Ova-October

Just Well, I thought my title was catchy enough. We are now 8 days into October, and since my last post I can now provide a few updates.. yeah! I can proudly say I started this cycle all by myself. Following my post on cd 34 I started without the assistance of Progesterone. The cramps were not as bad, and I was just grateful that my body did something! I spent the first portion of my cycle, coming unglued.

I called my Dr's office the morning after starting my cycle, to inform them I needed my next round of clomid, and the progesterone suppository we had had previously talked about. I then spent the majority of the day in bed, as working graves has been sleeping all day. However I woke up around 5, and good thing I did, cause my Dr's office called me back..

"Hello?"

"Is this Sarah?"

"Yes."

"Sarah, I spoke with K.P. and she told me that she cannot prescribe the 150mg of clomid to you as she had originally agreed to do.."

"WHAT?!"

"I'm am so sorry, you might be able to call tomorrow, and see if you can get in to see one of the doctors before cd 3, other than that, there isn't much we can do.."

"So you're saying, I just have to take the 100mg, and hope it works?! We are basically walking into October just wasting a cycle!"

This is when I started crying, and the nurse began to ramble. I was so mad, and I seriously dragged myself around the rest of the night, just devastated. I had 2 days to try to get in to see one of the doctors, or it was going to be a wasted cycle. I tell you what, the next morning I jumped outta bed so fast and was on the phone by 8:05.. I wasn't messin' around. By 9.. so much for being up early.. I finally decided to leave a message as they had not even turned on their phones. By 10:30, when no one called back, I called them. This time the receptionist answered, I gave her the low down, and as much as I could be on my knees over the phone, begged her to find an appointment for me. She asked if I would hold, so she could go talk to K.P., and one of the doctors. longest 5 mins of my life. She finally gets back on the phone, and declares that the doctors will make an exception this one time-PHEW!!- but the want to see me later this month. I can do that! Just give the crazy lady her pills!

After that mayhem, I then had the worst time getting my progesterone suppository from the pharmacy, as it needed to be compounded. I am not gonna say which pharmacy it was, but I can tell you this much. I am never go back to the place. It was awful! And I got the run around, and ended up paying more than what I wanted to, or even should have.. *Shakes fist*

It was like everything was working against this month. between the doctors office, the pharmacy, I didn't think I was even gonna get a chance to take the stupid clomid! Isn't it enough that I am infertile? Do we really have to make it that much harder?

Anyway, we are now at cd 14 into my cycle, and I can happily say I have officially Ovulated.

*THIS IS NOT A PREGNANCY TEST!!!! IT'S AN OVULATION TEST!!! *

So, this line isn't super impressive.. the camera didn't do it justice. But, Between the cervical mucus, and my cervix positioning, I think it's a safe bet. But cd 21 blood draw will be the deciding factor.. Here is hoping right?

As for the now sugar thing. It's going great! I have lost 12 lbs since I have started.. It was 14, but I had a little bit too much of the carbs variety the other days. So, I gotta do better about that. But, I feel really motivated to stick to this, and be healthy.. I can't wait!

Alright, I'll let ya get back to whatever you were doing, and I am gonna sit here, and twiddle my thumbs in my two week wait. Wish me luck!

Cd:32, and October plans..

Well as of two days ago, the pregnancy test was still negative.. I am pretty sure this cycle was another cycle my body is protesting getting pregnant. But, I wasn't expecting miracles. Well, I take that back.. the fact my body even got above a 1.0 on my progesterone blood draw, that is a miracle. I will tell you this.. I no longer trust opk's, my cervical mucus, or my cervix positioning.. really.. I feel like it changes every month.. And we tried the whole temping thing.. my husband wasn't very committed. lol. So, thank goodness for the blood draw, and then just being intimate every other day works for me. A lot less stress.. Alright coming back from my strayed conversation.

I plan on calling the dr office Monday, and asking for a progesterone suppository. I fear that with my progesterone being so low, that even if I did get pregnant my body would supply enough to sustain the pregnancy. So step one.

-Insure your body has enough progesterone all the time, to insure pain inducing death cramps..

Also, for the month of October, besides extensive hot flashes, and moods swing.. I have decided to stop eating bad sugar.. You know the kind from my coveted Diet Coke, *sniff* and my much needed grave yard shift energy drink *sniff, sniff*, and all the other really bad junk for your body. I have been doing a ton of reading, and I realized my body thrives off of bad sugars! It's true, I can be doing so well on a diet, and then my brain goes "Oh Brownie! You can have JUST one"-Fail. What most people fail to realize, like I was.. That brownie starts one nasty vicious cycle, and later on your body is craving it again.. So, I am gonna be committed. If you see me, and I happen to be holding a delicious maple bar donut, slap it outta my hand! So on to number two.

-Make sure you hate everyone by going through, caffine, and sugar withdrawals for the first week of clomid 150mg. -Great..

Sometimes I question my sanity. But, I now it's gonna be worth it. I have to change something.

Recently a few months back, maybe I told you.. I was diagnosed with Klippel-Feil Syndrome.. which you can read about HERE. I am pretty sure that this condition, along with my unicornuate uterus, play a role in one another existence. Basically, in a nutshell.. My spine is no bueno.. and I need to not be so dang fat, to improve my chances of being able to walk for the remainder of my life..Not to self: Don't go reading crap about syndrome during blog posting it just freaks ya out.

Alright, so here is to really changing how I eat, and getting knocked up in October.. I could totally handle another summer baby! Okay lover faces, hope this motivates you to eat less sugar. Or eat more, either way. I mean you could eat an extra cookie on my behalf, just saying..

my summer in a nutshell

So, recently I have greatly avoided blogging about myself. Especially my infertility journey, mostly because my journey had more or less hit a bump in the road, and there were pieces laying strewn about the ground that desperately needed to be picked up, and I had no idea where to begin.  As the dust has settled, and I am climbing back up to stand on my feet. I am anxious for this new journey. Especially since I now feel I am much more capable hands, compared to the last time we attempted anything in regards to our infertility.

Well the last time I left you with any details, we were just getting ready to do an un-medicated cycle. Which by the way, they drew my blood on cd:21.. my progesterone was a .2.. That's right. My body didn't even think about ovulating.. I only cried for a half hour. Put on my big girl panties.. waited 14 more days took a hpt to rule out a pregnancy-Waste of money. Then started progesterone.. which gives me the period from hell, including death cramps. The next cycle, so July. We started out with 50mg of clomid cd 3-5. Which, I wasn't anticipating any miracles with 50mg as I never even got a positive opk the last time I tried the 50mg.. but Kellie, wanted to start out slow.. STORY OF MY LIFE! Well.. cd:21.. progesterone. A whole whoppin' .8.. That's it.. my body barely nudged. I cried a bit longer that time.. waited another 14 days, took another hpt- more wasted money. Started progesterone, and my period promptly arrived the next day. Side Note: after informing the nurse of how quickly my period started after only one day of progesterone. She informed me, that means I was going to start on my own, and that the progesterone did absolutely nothing to help.. Okay so that was a little bit of good news.

Well, on to August, with 100mg of clomid. Have you noticed, both times I have taken clomid just happened to be in the two hottest months of the year.. I highly recommend you take clomid, or another other hot flash inducing medication during the winter.. So cd:21 rolled around on the 12th of Sept, so just about a week ago.. My progesterone.. drum roll please?! 5.6!!!!!! That's right! Not only did my body respond, it was a huge jump from the last month!! So, as my spidey Internet senses tell me... anything above a 5 on or around cd 21.. usually means you are currently ovulating.. Don't take my word for it, as almost every site I read on it, seemed to have a different answer. However, a late ovulation, is much better than no ovulation. Phew!

But, this explains so much! I really wish that I had made my previous doctor do blood work, instead of just assuming the 100mg was sufficient. We intend on doing another round or two of clomid bumping it up to 150mg next month. Which I am not thrilled about, but it makes me hopeful that we could potentially be successful on a higher dose. Although, at this point.. Lets be honest.. When you go this long trying to get pregnant, you laugh at the thought of it actually happening..

Alright, well I guess we wait and see what the next few days brings us.. hoping my cycle start all on it's own and I don't have to take the awful period inducing progesterone.. Alright, I am gettin' outta here, and goin' to watch my bestie deliver a baby! You should be jealous! Night ya'll

What to know, before you go!: infertility journey

Recently, I have been busy with a few things, especially regarding my infertility, and as I approach the near end of this year. I am confronted with the thought, I have been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years now.. 3 years of my life dedicated to getting knocked up, do you know how much sex that is?! Really I am sure that my husband isn't really complaining too much. But, we have hit a lot of bumps in the road, and I just know, that there are things that I wish I had known then, that I know now.. That could have saved me so much hassle.

I had a dear friend of mine, send me a message the other day, asking if I could give her some tips and suggestions as she and her husband start their process. That's when it dawned on me.. Everyone should know. I am pretty sure as your browse the Internet-FYI MOMENT: Most infertile are great at browsing the Internet. Seriously, I have some wicked skills. I know how to type in something just right to get the answer I am looking for. Any way, as I was saying. As you browse the Internet, you are bound to find a ton of suggestions and different ways to improve your journey, but this right here. This is a post with a great list, from different contributing infertiles such as myself.

1. Don't waste your time: True story, time is not always your friend. If you have been trying to conceive for a year or more without a pregnancy. GO GET CHECKED!!! If you are over 35 and have been trying for 6 months, GO GET CHECKED!!! Allowing more time, or thinking that you haven't given it enough time, is a recipe for more heart ache later on.

2. It is okay to grieve. Infertility is a real loss. It's a loss of your dreams, your wants for the future. When you hear those words your worlds come crashing in, and it is okay to scream, punch a pillow, and eat lots of ice cream.

3. Before you start with just any old physician.. Make sure you check their knowledge on infertility, if you have questions they can't answer, leave! I know not everyone is ready to jump into the Reproductive Doctors Office. So look into options. If you are seeking to just run some test, check your levels, or basic ultrasounds. A good OB can do that for you. They can even prescribe clomid- FYI MOMENT: If your Dr is willing to write you a prescription for clomid, but won't do a blood test to check for ovulation later in your cycle. NOT THE DR FOR YOU!!! I promise this will save you lots of time, and money if you can find an OB that is willing to do that. By the time you walk into an Re's office, you will have plenty of records and proof that you were running test, and hopefully have found out your issues, before you shell out the big bucks.

4. Research different ways of checking for ovulation, and for improving your chances of conception. Believe it or not, there are different things you can do. Ovulation Prediction Kits, Cervical Mucus, Temperature.. Timing sex just right, etc. Don't just assume that have sex will get you pregnant-Before you say anything, just having sex CAN get you pregnant, I mean thousands of people do it every year.. But you may need some more help..

5. Know the differences between a regular doctor, your OB, and an RE;Reproductive Endocrinologist. Just because your doctor has a medical degree from fancy college.. does not make him a specialist on infertility.

6. Know what kind of test SHOULD be performed in order to rule certain issues out. You can find info HERE and HERE. Remember knowledge is power, and lets face it. Some of the time, your will have more knowledge about your body, then your doctor.

7. Remember, it's okay to release your inner bitch! Becoming your own advocate will get you so far with infertility. Some doctors want to drag their feet.. Don't let them. Or find a different doctor. I wast 6 months with a doctor only to find out later, biggest waste of time and money!

8. Infertility is hard enough as it is, but if you can't become your own voice, and stand up for your needs. You will not be doing yourself any good. It is okay to be selfish in these time. If you need to skip a baby shower, or skipping out a family dinner cause your cousin is pregnant, again, for the 3rd time. Then do it. Your family, and your friends may not support you, and call you out on it. Who cares. You DESERVE HAPPINESS, and until you can cope with infertility, you are completely allowed to skip certain events.

9. Don't assume everyone will be compassionate about your pain. Some people might say they understand, or they are sorry. People will say THE DUMBEST things to you, assuming it will help. Let it roll off your back. There are support groups throughout the country, and support groups online. There will always be SOMEONE you understands. Don't be afraid to reach out.

10. Infertility takes a toll on everything.. Your marriage, your health, your relationships, your finances, It can at times become a complete obsession. Find different was of rekindling your romance, or different ways to celebrate small triumphs.

11. Having a baby, doesn't fix your sorrows and real pain of infertility. Adopting a baby, or conceiving one doesn't erase the pain you went through to get to that point. Your reality of infertility is just that, REALITY.

12. You can never do enough research. Seriously. Research EVERYTHING!!! The meds, the doctors, everything under the sun!! I have looked up countless things on the Internet attempting to gain some knowledge, and it has really helped. If you can't find it, don't be afraid to call you doctor, or find another infertile, and hit her up!

13. Always remember.. Infertility does not define you as a person. Although it has, and will create a huge impact on your life.. It doesn't mean you are that person. Break free from that mold. Become an advocate for infertility. It is a real disease, thousands and thousands of people are suffering from it. Don't be afraid to stand up and speak out. Someone else could be suffering in silence, and you could be their saving grace.

I wish I could hug you, and tell you that everything is going to be alright. But I can't make that promise. You are the maker of your life, and you can control the path you take. Knowledge is power. Don't lose hope, don't let infertility consume you. You are better than this, and some stupid condition isn't going to rule your life.

I hope this has helped. It was wonderful to be able to get some insight from the other ladies in my life that have, and or are in the same shoes as myself. Be brave in your journey, regardless of where it takes you.

No excuses!

Alright, alright.. I know.. I am bad..
I went almost the entire summer without blogging once.. and I bet you are all wondering what the heck I have been up to, or maybe even wondering if I was still alive.. No worries, I am still kickin'.

We have had such an amazing summer, and cannot believe it is almost over! We finalized our adoption.. Hurray! We celebrated Izzebel's first birthday.. We got to visit with family that we haven't seen in ages.. and last but not least.. we got to take our sweet baby girl to the temple and be sealed to her..
It was truly amazing.. I cried the whole time.. Like I do in everything else.. What can I say.. I am a big ol' cry baby!-ask my husband..

We also, went to the water park, one too many times, Izzebel took her first swimming lessons, her first steps, and started saying a few words. We adore her, and cannot imagine life without her. I will post a few pictures in the next few days of everything we got to do this summer!

Also, this summer.. I started a new job working graves, it's hard getting use to staying up all night, but I am liking it so far. We also started looking into regulating my cycle and getting my body to ovulate.. I am still taking my metformin, and I am currently on my second cycle of clomid.. I do however have to say, that journey is a whole other post just because there is so much to tell, that just breezing over it right now, just wouldn't be fair..

I am loving life right now. I have a wacky little family, and we aren't perfect by any means.. But I love them like crazy. I am so glad that we are finally over with our long ordeal, and that for the first time in a long time, I feel normal. Now I am wrapped up in looking forward to Holidays, snow, baking, making memories with my sweet little family. I love adoption, and I love what it has done for our family, and I am so grateful for this whole experience.

Thank you for reading, and for being patient with me, as I slowly get back into the swing of things. There will be more post, more FREQUENT post.. and lots of good things to come..


I can't wait..

I spoke too soon!

I got an unexpected call from my Gyno office today. Apparently my wonderful nurse practitioner changed her mind on plans we had made last week during my session of phone calls to the office asking about clomid. I was just suppose to call on the first day of my next cycle, have them write me a pretty prescription for hot-flash inducing clomid. But, we have decided to skip this cycle. We are going to test my progesterone levels on day 21 of my next cycle.. Ugh more waiting?!

I hate this part of infertility.. not so much the fact that I can't get pregnant by sneezing.. It's the fact I gotta wait to get pregnant. Or even test to see if I am ovulating..  This totally reminds me.

My sister just celebrated her birthday over the weekend and at the birthday party we played a game called 'What If?' You take a peice of paper and a pen, and write down a what if question. You then fold the paper, and place it in a hat, bowl, whatever. After everyone places their paper in the the bowl, you then devide the papers, hoping you down get the one you put in. If it happens just trade with someone. You then read the new question on your paper, and write down an answer. After everyone has written down their answer, the game really starts.

So say, I read my question. The person to my right read their answer. Sometimes it doesn't make any sense, other times it's hilarious. Any way, back to my story.

So, one of the questions someone wrote down was, 'What if it only took 9 days to have a baby and not 9 months?'. Could you imagine? lol, it would take out all of the waiting.. lol. The only down side is, thinking of how many periods you would have a year?! YIKES!

Alright off to go wait for af to visit me! I hope everyone had a great weekend, and as sad as I am that we will not be finalizing our adoption this week. We are excited to finalize by the end of the month, and hopefully be able to have even more good news! Woot!

I should know better...

Ugh, You would think I would have learned my lesson the first time around.. but noo... I am once again finding myself counting days, and anticipating every movement my cycle makes.. Which as of late is getting harder and harder to do.. It never does anything it's suppose to do.. Shame on you cycle!

Sigh, anyway... This morning, I finally broke down and called to ask the nurse about possibly being proscribed clomid.. Something I am dreading greatly, especially since last time we did this, it was fruitless efforts. I am not looking forward to the next 4 months of possible hot flashes, mood swings-my poor husband, and the potential failure. Although this time, we have a plan. We know what we want to accomplish by the end of the year, and if those things do not happen, we will most likely shut down our efforts to conceive naturally.. At least at this time, since doing ivf, is not a possibility right now. We will most likely continue to journey down our road of adoption, and foster care. Which I am fine with. I know that our chances are slim, but I am willing to give it one last shot!

Alright, here is my kick off to May, more infertility happenings and what not. I know you are just so excited about this. I can tell. I will keep ya posted, since I will most likely start clomid in the next week or two.. Gulp.. not excited...

birth control..

If you're wondering why on earth would an infertile talk about birth control on her blog... Well lets face it.. I haven't used birth control since highschool, to regulate my cycles... When I got married I throw out my little pink case, and said good bye to anything that would prevent me from conceiving.. 2 marriages later, and years of research, heart ache, and zero pregnancies... Birth control might be the only answer. Lately with my irregular cycle, I was starting to fear that the only solution would be birth control.. I finally made an appointment last week, and this morning I met with my nurse practictioner-Kelli Parker. Basically the coolest lady ever!

We went over the whole irregular cycle issue, and the fact that I had been into the hospital to get a pregnancy test, and all that good stuff. I then told her the words I had been treading to udder... gulp. Birth control.. Ugh. I almost whispered it. Like I was back in 7th grade and struggling to say the word sex.. without giggling. But, I swallowed the words as quickly as the left my lips.

-Rational moment- the words birth countrol, were quickly followed by the resonable person insdie me.. We have been trying for almost 3 years to get pregnant, what is a few months sacrificed to help my body.. Yeah, think what you will.. It made me feel a lot better.

Thankfully, Kelli listened to my plight, and recommended a course of action over the next 5-6 months to help me get knocked up. Starting with my Metformin, then if that doesn't regulate my cycles, birth control.. But, if my cycle does better with the Metformin, I can go in for a progesterone test, to see if I am ovulating on my own.. If I am not.. Ugh.. then a couple of rounds of clomid... If helps then I get to include a progesterone v.suppository.. You know a whole list of special procedure to help conception  and the possibility of sustaining said pregnancy...

This is the part that terrifies me... We have been here before.. But, this time, it's different. We have a different practitioner, someone who is more than willing to help us, and is sensitive to our situation. Which is reasurring... But, at the same time.. I am so scared.. I am scared of getting my hopes up, I am scared of failure.. and most of all I am scared of falling back into the dark place.. the place where my infertility took me the first time.. The nights I cried and carried on to my best friend B.. or the number of cycles of clomid I did and watched while everyone else got pregnant and I sat on the sidelines.. I would give anything to skip these next coming months. To be somebody else, and to not live that pain.. It likes be willing to jump off a cliff, only to land on the spears that are pointed up toward you... You know you're gonna die, that it will hurt. But for some reason you do it because this time it might work.. So, you don't give up. Because this could be it.

Here is to months of trying, to babydust, and lots of luck.. I only hope this time the Lord hears our prayers and we are blessed with more children.

Cycle 3 done, now what?

So, we aren't pregnant. Once again it's back to the drawing board. But, this time it's different cause, we put the drawing board away... I raised my little white flag, and now we are sitting here facing the next few months thinking, "what do we do now?"

I was happy to find out that after we told the doctor we wanted to take a break, and we asked if, and when we were ready to come back and start trying again, if he would prescribe us more clomid. Of course by this point in the conversation, I was already crying, and wanting to crawl into a hole, so when he responded that he would be pleased to do whatever he could, we were thrilled.

It's kind of nice to know that we have people behind us supporting us during our infertility journey. It's hard to feel alone, and sometimes forgotten. When the rest of the world is still moving forward, and having babies, and expanding families, it's hard to sit on the side, and keep a smile on your face. I am just glad that I finally get to do something different for once, perhaps take up a yoga class, or painting. I don't know, at least something that I can have some fun with, and no babies are involved.

Don't get me wrong, I love babies, they are drawn to me, we were just sitting in TGIF, waiting for our table, and this little boy about 13 months old, was standing on the bench next to me. Since I am so short, he was eye level with me, and I think he rather enjoyed this. He leaned over as far as he could while his dad was trying to hang onto him, and tapped me on my shoulder to get my attention. I turned and he had this huge grin across his face. I loved it! It became a game, and he did it a couple of more time til his father pulled him away, cause I am a creepy stranger like that.

I know I won't be able to stop blogging, because I know I am going to have days where the women at the grocery store who is barely 18 and has 2 kids and is clearly pregnant again, will more than likely piss me off, and I will need a place to vent. Ugh, here is to hoping that in 6 months, I can lose some weight, learn some yoga, and have some much needed fun with my husband!!!

Tap out!

So, we are nearing the end of our third cycle of clomid, my what a ride this has been. We have gone through so much in the past 3 months, let alone the past year. I can't believe that we could finally be a cross point, where I finally get to live a "normal" life. Not having to worry about counting days, and whether or not aunt flow is coming.

We find out this week if we are pregnant or not, and considering we haven't deviated from the pattern yet, I am betting we are yet once again, not pregnant. This being said, it comes at a moment of relief, of no more doctors visits, no more test, or taking pills, or being asked a million questions... I am just looking forward to relaxing, enjoying life. Perhaps plan a vacation, or move out of my in-laws. Not that I don't love them, I just think perhaps we should grow up. At least, sooner or later.

It's kinda sad to see this chapter end, but I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be healthy, and I want to work on myself. I want to prepare my body to potentially one day carry a baby.. I want to know that I have lowered my risk of miscarriage, or gestational diabetes, or preclampsia<< if that's how you spell that.

We find out more on our appointment on Wednesday, this is our regular doctor, you know, not the nut case who is the "specialist". It'll be weird to tell him to not fill my clomid prescription again... kind of disheartening... But I guess when you think infertility all the time, it feels like you are giving up, even if you have said it a million times. We are only taking a break. I hope I don't give into temptations, and I don't feel the urge to test if I am ovulating, so on and so forth.

Ugh, Wish me luck!! I guess pending the results of next week, we could be going on vacation with this blog... sigh.. that is even more depressing..

Still counting days...

So here I am on cycle day 30, feeling a little anxious. Since I ovulated late in my cycle I am not expecting a period til this week, if she bothers to show at all.. I would really like the second part to happen. But only if it meant I were pregnant. I know that even if my period did start, then it means my body knows how to be normal.

It's hard thinking that in a few days my life could really change. Also please note, if I did end up pregnant, I would totally play it off as if I weren't just til we get out of the danger zone. Don't take it personal just want to make sure it's real before I start telling the whole world.

A lot is going on in the next week. My sister's missionary comes home next Monday, I have my doctors appointment on Tuesday, and I am re-enrolling in school... Oh wow. I just totally had a Deja vu moment. It was realyly kinda weird. I hope that's a good sign.

As for now, I am not really feeling anything, I have some pretty sore breast, and feeling a little bloated.. But other than that I feel pretty good!!

Here's to the next coming week, and good things happening!

Second round of Clomid, Successful!!!

Well thus far, I officially Ovulated!!! Talk about the best thing to be successful! I know it's rather boring and unimpressive to most people. But for the infertile gal over here, I'm rather impressed with myself!!

Now, if we could make this an even better round of clomid and conceive that would make my year!!!



Needless to say I am pretty beside myself with excitement. Months of depression are starting to look like agent history, and now, that we have gotten me to ovulate it's getting me knocked up that is our next challenge!

Wish us luck!!

P.S. I know this isn't the clear blue digital monitor I just purchased, but you know being a pee on a stick addict, I could help but using an ovulation test during the day.. lol

Moment to be proud of!

So with this cycle, I decided to use my new purchase, my clear blue digital fertility monitor. I was excited, and as instructed, I started testing every morning, and I started to stress by cycle day 12, only because my other phone app, told me that I should reach high fertility by that day.. Which I found another calculator online, that calculates with the clomid, and told me something completely different! But it was the right different, and I won't bore you with all those details.

Basically I am right on track, and this morning when I tested, my little monitor, moved from low fertility, to high fertility!! WOOT, WOOT!! I just wanted to share, that the clomid is working, and if all goes right, I will be ovulated by the end of week!!!! HURRAY!!! Finally!

Clomid one, Sarah none...

So, this morning, Jon and I made our way to our follow-up appointment for our first round of clomid me.. With this, I was told to pee in a cup, then undress from the waist down.. The doctor failed to tell us the last time we were there, that such under goings would happen, thankfully I showered, and was clean when I got there..

We talked about the clomid, and ultimately came to the conclusion that I had failed to ovulate, and that I was indeed not pregnant. It was a hit in the stomach, and rather depressing to hear the doctor say those words, when deep inside I already knew the answer.

I have yet to start my period, so the doctor was oh so kind enough to prescribe me some medication to get it going, and then he upped the dosage of clomid, to 100mg.

I am not happy about this. One because that means more hot flashes, and two because this means the side effects are going to be that much worse.

I am bummed that I have to go through this again, I feel like I am setting the stage for pending failure. Like I am getting ready to wrap it up in a nice shiny bow.

I hope it works this time, or I at least ovulate..

It might be a while before I write again, considering that all I feel when I write is more resentment towards my infertility.

Raising the White Flag on the Clomid...

So Counting days, I am on cd 26, with a couple of used HPT, I am thinking I am NOT pregnant... *sigh* which only comes with more great disappointment, and a few other grains of salt to rub in my wounds. In the past two days, I have found out that one of my girlfriends is pregnant, she is not sure how far along she is, but non the less, she is.. I have another girlfriend who just recently started trying, at the end of May, I text her yesterday morning, and asked her if she had tested, since she had been further along in her cycle, and her tww, was well over, I got a "yep!" reply, followed by a pic... She got a BFP....

A great feeling of conflict came to me, where on one hand I was beyond THRILLED for my friend, since it had taken some time to even convince her husband to start trying for a family. But, on the other hand, I was pushed that much further towards, my bottomless pit of depression... I was standing on the edge looking in.

I spent the majority of my day, curled up on the couch, my face once again puffy, and red. I was at a point where all I wanted was someone to hold me, so I sent an email to my mother, hoping for words of comfort, in my time of need.. What I got was not something I expected. My mother, expressed how much she loved me, no matter what, even if I was broken, and I never had children, I still meant something to her. She then went on to tell me that perhaps I would never have my own children, and that adoption may be the only choice we have. I felt even more betrayed, I thought mothers were suppose to give unconditional love, and support? Although, I've always known my mother to be a negative-ninny. I felt at that moment, I truly wanted to prove her wrong.

Jon took me for a drive, and bought me a cola, and spent a great deal of the evening listening to him talk, since I was a little down in the mouth.

Later my friend Brittany came over, whom I have a ton of respect for her, especially considering that I would have never had met Brittany had I not attending the infertility support group. Truly a blessing, and something that I can be grateful for. Talking with someone about my issues, who truly understands what I am going through, was so rewarding, and a lot LESS depressing.

I am about to call this first round of Clomid, my opponent close to being crowned the winner. I have a bigger bucket of strength for the pending second cycle, and I truly believe the Clomid will EVENTUALLY work. Which is an improvement of emotions, since we started the Clomid process.

Here is looking toward to future, and the next couple of months.

Pick up foot, insert to mouth

So this is my opk from today. The one on the bottom, with the apparently darker line. Because of my PCOS, I get darker faint lines then other women. But, I can honestly say this is the darkest line I have ever gotten. I think it's time to do some BD-ing!!!

Oh honey cakes where are you??

Pending Worry

I have noticed over the past couple of days that I don't really feel like I am going to ovulate.. I noticed on the last day of Clomid that I was cramping really really bad, and I could feel the 'O' pain in both of my ovaries. Later that evening I even had break through bleeding, which I contributed to the 'O' process.

The thing about this is, that would have been way to soon for me to ovulate... isn't it? I mean I finished the Clomid on day 8 of my cycle.. I shouldn't ovulate til about tomorrow or so.. Which would be day 14 or so my cycle. I guess I am really confused. Between the OPK's and all my symptoms I don't think I am ovulating right now. Perhaps my body is just really responsive to the Clomid, and it worked right away..

Oh well, at least Jon and I BD every other day thus far, I hope that results in a pregnancy, or else I don't think I ovulated, and they will increase my Clomid Dosage.. Not looking forward to this.

On another note, I am starting to feel a little guilty. The gal, whom I told you about her blogging, and announcing her pregnancy. She just blogged that she is experiencing a threatened misscarriage. I feel a little bad, only because I was wishing it was me. I couldn't even imagine... *sigh* even having a misscarriage at this point would be comforting, it would mean that my tubes aren't blocked, and I really can get pregnant.

I think I am a little sick, and twisted...

Hot Flashes, Already?

Day one of Clomid down, and already I am having hot flashes like it's not bodies business. Plus on top of it, I have terrible cotton mouth. I cannot remember the last time my mouth was this dry. Yuck.

I only have 4 more days of taking this stuff. I hope that the hot flashes aren't this bad the entire time.. thankfully I don't feel like I am having any mood swings or emotional issues. I know that for some women that can be an issue when taking Clomid. But, hopefully I can keep that in check

On a better note, my Clomid was actually $30 less then what I was expecting it to be, which was awesome!

So I guess I will keep you updated as I feel my body go through all the changes, and hopefully we have some positive results at the end of the month. Here is hoping right?