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Saturday, July 24, 2010

Raising the White Flag on the Clomid...

So Counting days, I am on cd 26, with a couple of used HPT, I am thinking I am NOT pregnant... *sigh* which only comes with more great disappointment, and a few other grains of salt to rub in my wounds. In the past two days, I have found out that one of my girlfriends is pregnant, she is not sure how far along she is, but non the less, she is.. I have another girlfriend who just recently started trying, at the end of May, I text her yesterday morning, and asked her if she had tested, since she had been further along in her cycle, and her tww, was well over, I got a "yep!" reply, followed by a pic... She got a BFP....

A great feeling of conflict came to me, where on one hand I was beyond THRILLED for my friend, since it had taken some time to even convince her husband to start trying for a family. But, on the other hand, I was pushed that much further towards, my bottomless pit of depression... I was standing on the edge looking in.

I spent the majority of my day, curled up on the couch, my face once again puffy, and red. I was at a point where all I wanted was someone to hold me, so I sent an email to my mother, hoping for words of comfort, in my time of need.. What I got was not something I expected. My mother, expressed how much she loved me, no matter what, even if I was broken, and I never had children, I still meant something to her. She then went on to tell me that perhaps I would never have my own children, and that adoption may be the only choice we have. I felt even more betrayed, I thought mothers were suppose to give unconditional love, and support? Although, I've always known my mother to be a negative-ninny. I felt at that moment, I truly wanted to prove her wrong.

Jon took me for a drive, and bought me a cola, and spent a great deal of the evening listening to him talk, since I was a little down in the mouth.

Later my friend Brittany came over, whom I have a ton of respect for her, especially considering that I would have never had met Brittany had I not attending the infertility support group. Truly a blessing, and something that I can be grateful for. Talking with someone about my issues, who truly understands what I am going through, was so rewarding, and a lot LESS depressing.

I am about to call this first round of Clomid, my opponent close to being crowned the winner. I have a bigger bucket of strength for the pending second cycle, and I truly believe the Clomid will EVENTUALLY work. Which is an improvement of emotions, since we started the Clomid process.

Here is looking toward to future, and the next couple of months.

3 comments:

Lindzee

:( I know how you feel. Just found out that another one of my sis-in-laws is pregnant. Cried for an hour after finding out. Better luck next month. Just remember...even if you get to the end of the baby making road, there's a whole world of adoption out there. :) It takes a LOT of getting used to the idea, and infertility still sucks, but just remember, the end will end with you having a baby one way or another.

Sarah

Thanks Lindzee, I know that process is always an option for us, and something that I truly want to consider if we are not pregnant by our second anniversary. I think trying for two years is a good take on it! Thank you for your encouragement, and your wonderful example. If anything has made me want to adopt, it has been you. You are making me realize anything is possible.

John & Jayna Jensen

First, I feel you're pain. I just finished my 1st round of clomid too, as you know, and I have yet to have a visit from AF. But 2 you make me laugh with all your acronyms (tww & BFP?) those are 2 I'm not sure what mean. But anyway. I love you. You have my support, and I'm just a phone call away if you ever need to talk.

I hope next month is better for both of us!