birth control..

If you're wondering why on earth would an infertile talk about birth control on her blog... Well lets face it.. I haven't used birth control since highschool, to regulate my cycles... When I got married I throw out my little pink case, and said good bye to anything that would prevent me from conceiving.. 2 marriages later, and years of research, heart ache, and zero pregnancies... Birth control might be the only answer. Lately with my irregular cycle, I was starting to fear that the only solution would be birth control.. I finally made an appointment last week, and this morning I met with my nurse practictioner-Kelli Parker. Basically the coolest lady ever!

We went over the whole irregular cycle issue, and the fact that I had been into the hospital to get a pregnancy test, and all that good stuff. I then told her the words I had been treading to udder... gulp. Birth control.. Ugh. I almost whispered it. Like I was back in 7th grade and struggling to say the word sex.. without giggling. But, I swallowed the words as quickly as the left my lips.

-Rational moment- the words birth countrol, were quickly followed by the resonable person insdie me.. We have been trying for almost 3 years to get pregnant, what is a few months sacrificed to help my body.. Yeah, think what you will.. It made me feel a lot better.

Thankfully, Kelli listened to my plight, and recommended a course of action over the next 5-6 months to help me get knocked up. Starting with my Metformin, then if that doesn't regulate my cycles, birth control.. But, if my cycle does better with the Metformin, I can go in for a progesterone test, to see if I am ovulating on my own.. If I am not.. Ugh.. then a couple of rounds of clomid... If helps then I get to include a progesterone v.suppository.. You know a whole list of special procedure to help conception  and the possibility of sustaining said pregnancy...

This is the part that terrifies me... We have been here before.. But, this time, it's different. We have a different practitioner, someone who is more than willing to help us, and is sensitive to our situation. Which is reasurring... But, at the same time.. I am so scared.. I am scared of getting my hopes up, I am scared of failure.. and most of all I am scared of falling back into the dark place.. the place where my infertility took me the first time.. The nights I cried and carried on to my best friend B.. or the number of cycles of clomid I did and watched while everyone else got pregnant and I sat on the sidelines.. I would give anything to skip these next coming months. To be somebody else, and to not live that pain.. It likes be willing to jump off a cliff, only to land on the spears that are pointed up toward you... You know you're gonna die, that it will hurt. But for some reason you do it because this time it might work.. So, you don't give up. Because this could be it.

Here is to months of trying, to babydust, and lots of luck.. I only hope this time the Lord hears our prayers and we are blessed with more children.