Tuesday, November 16, 2010

what I saw, what I've seen..

So, shortly after my last post, I had a dream. I dreamt that my husband and I had decided to adopt. In my dream I was very pleased about our decision, and excited for the new adventure.

In my dream, it played out quickly, but is still so vivid in my mind that if I close my eyes. I can see everything, and imagine how I was feeling at that moment. Shortly, after we made the decision to adopt, something happened. We were picked, and not just picked, I mean like it was fast. I wasn't even prepared for a baby, in my dream I was freaking out because I didn't have any diapers to even change the baby's bottom. A friend of mine, came with me and we picked up my new infant son, Erick.. I don't know how the name Erick came up, I have only ever known one, and that was from elementary school.

So, in my dream, I am buckling my baby into his cart seat in the back of my car, and we smiled at me. I could see his beautiful blue eyes, and his gorgeous smile. I even remember thinking "wow, everyone was right, they still end up looking like you". The next thing I knew we were driving around, and I was freaking oout, because the baby had a poopie diaper, and I didn't have diapers, and I kept thinking. I am a terrible mother, I don't even have anything to change his diaper with.

I woke up shortly after I turned around in my seat, to stare at his cart seat in the back of the car. I rememeber thinking, I love this baby, and it's gonna be okay..

I feel kind of foolish after having this dream. It's true the Lord really knows how to comfort. I needed this dream, no tiny whisper of hope was enough. I needed my own personal movie played out for me.

I am just glad it came when it did, a day after aunt flow graced me with her presence, and I was feeling a little down in the mouth. But, I awoke that morning feeling more peace, and hope about my infertility, than I have in a long time.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

fear, and rationalizing...

Today, I am afraid.. I am afraid that my biggest fear, may soon be realized. That the length span I have allowed between waiting and adopting will quickly dissolve, and two years will have instantly passed, and I am facing adoption. I am not so much afraid of adopting, I am just afraid of everything involved. Like waiting, or not being choosen, or being choosen and then later deciding not. But, I am also afraid that I won't be able to love an adopted child as much as, my biological children, or that the child could not love me back.

I know these are things, that many people will try to push from my mind, or bring me some sort of comfort, but for right now, and I am sure for a while. I am afraid, afraid of never being a mother, by my own means, or by adoption. My greatest fear, is never being a mother...