Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Bring on the Clomid!

So it's been kind of crazy around here for a few days.. We were anticipating going to the doctors, which was yesterday as I type this. Within the time leading up to the doctors however.. I took it upon myself to pee-on-a-stick.. I'm officially an addict. But, as I did this my attempts seemed to not be in vain. I had taken 4 or 5 test within a three day period, and they were all POSITIVE! I was beyond thrilled..

It didn't last that long..

When we arrived at the doctors office, we had to fill out a ton of paper work, I was so anxious I could hardly contain myself. When we finally got back to the exam room, they asked what we were being seen for, I stated we had been referred by our fertility specialist so we could start clomid, and so my husband could have an SA done. Then, I proceeded to tell the nurse about my 5 positive pregnancy test, and the immediately pushed me into the bathroom, and instructed I once again, pee into a cup. I was more than happy to oblige.

The doctor came in, and I actually had known him while I was growing up. Though it had been many years since I had seen him. We told him why were there, and about the pregnancy test, and that they were performing a urine test as we spoke. Moments later the nurse brought in a hot pink posted note, and handed it to the other nurse sitting in the room, who sat it on the counter. I hate having good eyes- because before the doctor could even tell us the results I could read it. NEG -, that's all it said. But I let the doctor finish what he was saying, and then he picked up the posted note, and puzzling looked at me, with the response I already knew.

He said he wasn't convinced, especially since I had so many test say positive. So they decided to draw my blood. The doctor said we should be prepared anyhow, and wrote out a prescription for my clomid, and for Jon's SA. He then instructed us pending the blood test results we could either put in the prescriptions, or we have the privilege to rip the prescriptions up..

Well here I sit, Wednesday morning, rather sure I'm in fact NOT pregnant. I have started spotting a little, and although I have gone online and researched that early spotting in pregnancy is normal, and that a lot of women go to the doctor after receiving a positive HPT, and the doctors test is negative, but the blood test is positive. I am pretty much expecting the worst.

You try for so long, that you just kinda get use to being the failure every single time. I explained it like this to Jon, it's like standing in line with a ticket number, but instead of a number it just says the word "NEXT". And I'm just standing and waiting, while women behind me step up to the line, and their number is instantly called. It's just never ending, and never achieving cycle.

I am not thrilled about my pending cycle of clomid, the hormone swings, not to mention I will be doing this cycle in July, when it's super hot. Blah! It pretty much sucks, I was that close, or so I thought, and now I am 4 steps back from where I was.

Here is looking up. Jon, and I are going to be having a BBQ at the end of the month, I am looking forward to that! Here is to July, to Clomid, and to hopefully future pregnancies!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Day Dreams, and Aunt Flow..

So today while I was at work, standing at the counter, being bored out my mind.. I started to day dream, but it wasn't really a day dream, it was a random thought that came to me, something that was forced into my thinking. After said day dream, I came to the conclusion it was more of inspiration, verses day dreaming.

As my mind wondered, I was taking back to a memory I had of a few months ago, when I had a cyst rupture and I was taken in for an ultra sound. As this played in my head it switched from the dark room we were in while during our procedure, and to a bright room, with my husband sitting next to me. Also in the room I could see the doctor, whom I didn't recognize. I was laying on an exam table, holding Jon's hand, while the doctor placed the monitor on my lower stomach, then in my vision, it echoed.. I heard my baby's heart beat. I heard it.

I blinked and the vision was gone, I was bluntly pushed back into my reality, but I could still feel the pure joy of that moment. I know it will be real. I could feel it in the very pit of my stomach.I know that it may not be tomorrow, and it may not be next month, or next year.. But, I know I'll get there.

This only reminds me, that I am a few days away from Aunt Flow gracing me with her presence. Here's to hoping that this is the last or close to. I hope the Clomid works for us!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Pitty Party, Table for 1

So I have decided that I am going to move away, where there isn't a Facebook, or family, or friends, or anyone for that matter who will remind me that they can get pregnant and I can't. It gets going good, you know, where you haven't had a birth announcement, or an expecting declaration. But today it was the straw that broke the camel back. The one girl, whom one have guessed would wait 5 years after being married to have kids.. Yep, you guess it, even she's pregnant. She just shared the joyous news via Facebook.

Is this joke? Am I really the only person, I know, that can't get pregnant. It's like other women sneeze, and POOF! their pregnant.

I'm thinking about having a burning party, for those of you who have no idea what this is. You basically sit down, get a pen and paper, and start writing down everything that makes you mad, upset, sad, or any other jumble of feelings, in list format. Then, being responsible, lite a fire. Make sure nothing around you can catch on fire, or it might end very badly. Then rip up your list, throw it in the fire, and you can cry and get it all out, just as long as you let your emotions go. There you have it, one way to visibly see that your problems are nothing, and you can get over it.

Yeah, I wish it were that simple too.

Well, I'm done ranting. I just needed to get it off my chest.

*P.S. Not responsible from injury, or damaged sustained during 'burning party'*

Today, I want a baby..

Do you ever have one of those days where you just really want a baby? I am having one of those days. I get on Facebook, and there is nothing but pregnant woman, that yes, are friends of mine, talking about their pregnancies. I go grocery shopping, I chat with my sister. Everyone, is getting pregnant, having their babies, and here I sit feeling about as big as a mouse. I feel like it's this movie that is playing and I am just walking through the scenes.

I felt good a couple of days ago, when I attended my support group. It was nice to feel like I wasn't the only one going through this. Even though I saw the woman sitting there, looking, and probably feeling the as much despair as I am. It's still isn't that comforting to me. It's like a slap in the face, making me acknowledge the fact that the rest of my life may be spent in support groups, and infertility forums.

I know one thing, that this whole infertility thing would really suck if I didn't have such a supportive husband. He even came to the support group with me. He was the only guy, go Jon! He even offered to give me a blessing yesterday, something that I know I truly needed it. Feeling over whelmed by my pending doctors appointment. I know, I know. I probably sound like a broken record, but I am so so so scared. I cannot not shake these feelings. It's like, I am setting myself up for failure. That I am building the climax, to the appointment where my doctor tells me, that we are infertile.

I think the most frustrating part is not knowing. Like, if we were told that we can, and will get pregnant. I could relax. But I still feel like it's in Limbo, and I don't know if it's good news for us, or bad news. Really, can't I just get a sign? Can't I just have a smack in the face that says " Sarah, Shut up! Relax, it is going to happen for you." I know any person could walk up to me, and tell me that. But, it's different when your doctor tells you.

I truly hope we get there. One way or another, I want nothing more then that. Is that to much to ask?

Friday, June 18, 2010

I Would Die For That

This is a video a friend of mine shared with me some time ago. I loved this Video, and I hope that who ever happens to come across my blog, enjoys it too.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Facebook status:

So I really believe that I am the only person on this planet that has friends on Face book, that either are pregnant, have a newborn, or have multiple children. Mind you, I'll be 23 this year, and this are people my age.. I am almost starting to loath Face book, due to the fact that every time I get on, I find out someone is pregnant, or they are complaining about pregnancy pain, sickness, or how their due date isn't close enough..

I know I should be happy for them, but I mean seriously even the single gal who isn't in a relationship, who grew up in an LDS home, is pregnant. Here I sit, still emotionally empty, and feeling barren. I know I need to be more grateful, but every now and than, am I allowed to throw a temper tantrum?

I'd like to get on Face book one day, update my status: is not particularly happy with the fact that everyone else is pregnant.. All you pregnant people shut up, and leave me alone.. If only it were that easy.

I would however, like to get on there and share that every month that aunt flow shows her ugly face, I cry, I lay in bed all day and dread the fact that I am that much further from being a mother.

I know deep inside that I cannot wait to have my first pregnancy Face book status, I only hope it comes sooner rather than later.

Friday, June 11, 2010

I'm so addicted!

So ever since we were diagnosed with PCOS and finding out that the possibility of having children naturally, or on our own was going to be near impossible.. I have become addicted to everything infertility... I might be a little excessive. I spend hours on the Internet finding support groups, awesome websites that share a ton of information on everything from dealing with negative pregnancy test each month, to dealing with people who have no idea how to approach infertile people such as myself.

Ironic that there is a ton of information on what to NOT say to infertile people, but the only people who read it, are the ones dealing with infertility?

I find myself keeping myself in check as I spend the day attempting to find anyone that will listen to me how important this topic is, and we HAVE to talk about it. I have been successful in some of my en devours. I will be fortune enough, time and time again, to find another young lady, such as myself who is going through the exact same thing. I have felt such a reward as these ladies explain to me the pain that they too have been going through, and what a relief it finally is to be able to find someone who understands the pain. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't wish this hurt upon anyone, but the joy that comes from being able to offer support is unremarkable. I love every single woman that graces me with her presence, and allows me into a small fraction of her personal life, to finally share some of her grief.

I think it's something that needs to be done, if you don't share this pain, it will only get worst. I cannot tell you for how long I kept it inside, hoping that in time it would solve it's self. Or just go away.. Of course neither of those things happen, and only a few short months later, here I am writing a blog about my infertility journey. I hope one day that as I continue to document my steps, that the procedures will work, the medications, the test will go well, and that one day I will be able to get on here and type with tears in my eyes, 'that we are finally pregnant!'

I don't know how long this journey will be, I can only tell you that I truly hope it is worth it, and that I find enough strength to carry me through.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Starting with me..

So, here I am.. 22, second marriage, and feeling empty.. I suffer from PCOS, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Which keeps my body from processing insulin correctly therefore, I cannot lose weight, so I am overweight, childless, and facing the impact of infertility. My Husband Jon and I have been married a year this month, and even though I knew we were going to face difficulties conceiving, I had no idea it would be this catastrophic.Several times throughout our marriage I have broken down completely, crying so hard that my skin hurt..

We started our process with our family physician, being proscribed Metformin, to deal with my insulin levels, and to aid with the cyst on my ovaries.. I somehow foolishly thought that this would solve all my problems, that some how within a few months I would magically be pregnant. No, it hasn't worked out that way, in fact I think it has had the opposite effect on me, and it's actually working for everyone else. I go longer without getting pregnant, and the rest of the entire world gets to be parents.

I have a group of friends that my Husband and I on occasion hang out with, two couples of this particular group are pregnant. One of my girlfriends is reaching the end of her journey of pregnancy, while another is just at the beginning. Then just the other day, the third couple shared with me, that yes, they too are going to start trying for a family. Like really is there a huge magnet attached to my body that say "Everyone who can get pregnant, come into my life, and flaunt it in my face.." I know that they don't "Flaunt" Their awesome baby making skills in my face on purpose, it just happens.. I feel the sharp sting, every time I hear them talk about the baby moving, or hearing their child's heart beat. I sit over here twiddling my thumbs, putting on a smile.. all the while, I cry inside.

The sad thing is I think I am becoming use to the idea, or forcing myself to realize that I may never be a parent, and that I will have to watch this every single day of my life. I don't want to feel anything, anymore. I would love nothing to wrap my heart up and lock away, just so I never feel anything ever again... I hate feeling lost.