Enjoy... This is gonna be awesome. Oh also those that emailed me about partipating in our picture series I will email you later this week. Thank you everyone!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
In 2009 The World Health Organization officially recognized infertility as a diesease. A diesease which is defined by a couple having unprotected sex for 12 months without protection, and fail to accomplish a pregnany. I know, that for most infertiles, if you are as deep into the water of infertility as I am, this is not news to you. In fact, I attended The Utah Infertility Awareness Event last Saturday, and the thing that made me kinda a giggle, was that almost every represenative that I listen to speak, seem to be repeating the same things that I have heard over the past few years.. I guess, I am still waiting for new things to educate me on our little journey.
When we are little girls, we played house, and dolls. We dress them up, and carry them around, and whisper the same sweet little things our mothers did to us when we were still little. I catch myself sometimes looking at a group of girls, and saying to myself "one in three of you will be infertile". I think if my 5 year old self could see me now.. I'd like to she'd kick my butt for not believing that I will be a mom. But, lets be honest picking up a cabbage patch doll isn't gonna fix things, infact I am sure if I carried around a doll.. people might question my sanity.
I divorced my first husband in 2008. After 2 years of being married, I learned, I had irregular period and a tilted uterus. At this point I felt discouraged about my tilted uterus, especially when I read in books and online that it can cause issues getting pregnant.. I think back now, and laugh-Gee, if that was the ONLY issue I had.
In 2009, I married my best friend, I was thrilled. We already knew that a previous marriage had not given me any children, so we started with the doctors visits early. I was diagnosed with PCOS in October of 2009, and given Metformin. By our 1st anniversary, I still was pregnant. We sought assitance from a fertility specialist, and he referred us to an OBGYN, who could help us, and save cost before we went straight to the top. Between June and September of 2010, I would try 3 rounds of Clomid.. Good news! I ovulate.. bad news. not pregnant. In Late September, I would under go the procedure I like to call the death procedure.. an HSG test- or Hystrosalpingogram.. Yes, I know how to say this, given that I refer to it frequently, I'm a pro. Seriously. WORST. TEST. EVER!!! I am promptly diagnosed with a Unicornuate Uterus.. Ugh. Bad news- affect 1 in 4,000 woman.. Good news. Majority of woman didn't even know they had this issue til they went to have babies, and ended up having c-sections revealing said issue. By the end of October, I am one sad, depressed invidual.. I need to heal..
By the beginning of January 2011, I am starting to come to terms with the potential of being infertile.. I start to embrace my destiny. At this point, I stop taking Metformin, I stop counting days, or peeing on a stick every other day. I just live, and enjoy my life with my husband. Untill.. March 2011.. We get a phone call. My sister called to inform me she had a friend who was interested in placing her baby for adoption, and that wants to know if we would like to meet her... Between March and June, we meet our birth mother, fall in love with her, and on June 12th 2011, I hold my little girl for the first time.
In 2009 when infertility was finally being recognized as a diesease. I was just starting to wade myself into these waters. I felt like that although I had let the water rolls up onto the beach and over my toes.. I backed away, and then ran and leaped into the water, as deep as I could go. I didn't know where to go, or how to start. I felt so over whelmed.
Now in 2012, I am about the celebrate my 3rd wedding anniversary, I will watch my little girl distroy her 1st birthcake. I will kneel across the altar from my sweet husband and we will be sealed to our daughter for eternity. At the end of 2012, I will be grateful. I feel so blessed. I know that my life is still young, and I have so much more that I want to do, and accomplish. I know in my heart that I am a mother, regardless of how my children come to me. My infertility is just a diesease, it is something my body is failing to do. But, my body will never fail me of being able to love, and parent a child. Even if they are not biologically mine.
They are still mine...
Now, once again, I stand on the waters edge.. my toes rubbed down into the sand as the water rolls over my toes.. But this time, I notice something different.. the smell of salt breeze against my face, and the warmth of the sun against my skin. I no longer look at the endless possibilities of my infertility, and I now longer allow it to intimidate me, or make me feel weak. I no longer need a life jacket, because I found the life I was looking for all along.
Infertility is the worst things I have ever had to face. I wouldn't wish this pain upon my worst enemy, no one should ever have to hear those words. Infertile. For many of us, we have been on this journey for years. for others we are just starting out. But regardless, if you need a life jacket, if you feel over whelmed, please ask for assistance, find the support, and don't let your troubles weigh you down..
To the fertiles, infertiles, to everyone who reads my blog. I send you a big hug, and encourage you to hug an infertile this week. They need it. Thank you for the support.
Friday, April 20, 2012
've decided to no longer post about our adoption until our adoption is finalized.. I am have also decided to stop my count down. It has come to my attention that our birth mother has been looking for my blog, and attempting to find the date of our adoption. I wish we were on better terms, and that we could invite her to celebrate with us..
Not, that this is a bad thing... We would just like to enjoy our day of celebration when the time comes without any unnecessary drama. Thank you
Thursday, April 19, 2012
I have however had the good fortune of several months ago deciding to follow this amazing blog, and facebook page of one the most chique and funny, infertilie/adoptive momma.. that I have ever had the good fortune of reading. I'll call her Mrs. R.. Little did I know, that I would need to read her blog now more than ever. She and her husband recently went through an adoption scam, of being approached by a young lady, who alledgedly was interested in placing a babygirl with said couple. Later they found out, it was a facade, and a scam. Not only that.. This young lady has scammed as of last count 11 others.. :( As I read her blog yesterday, the words rang so true to me on so many different levels. Looking back in retro spective.. All I can think is that our birth mother scammed us too. Although there was a child, and we did bring her home, and eventually were able to successfully have her placed with us.. We know that the birth mother promised another couple the same thing, and who knows if there are more or not. I would like to talk more about our situation, but feel that it is best to wait till May when I can release our adoption story.. which will take place in a series of post.. It's a long story.
I have so many emotions running through me.. I wanna be mad, thinking about what she has done to our family, the hurt, the mistrust.. The fact that we will not be able to have a relationship with her, and we fear that Izze may suffer in the future.. Don't get me wrong, I forgive our birth mother M, I am sad for her. Sad, that she felt that in some way we were the right family, and how she lied to us so many times, and made us feel hopeful.. Only later to find the truth, and her to have no remorse.
I read Mrs. R's blog, and I got birth mother envy-if there is such a thing.. I also got adoptive parent envy of Mrs.R.. She is amazing, and does the most wonderful things every month for her birth mothers.. I want so badly to have a relationship like that with our birth mother, but I fear to allow myself to trust that she will not be completely honest with us in the future. I don't even want to take the risk, and have it come back to bite me in the rump-cheek.. so to speak. We love our birth mother for what she has given us. Our daughter is truly a blessing to our lives. I love watching her learn, and giggle, and play. I just think to myself, CAN SHE GET ANY CUTER?! It breaks my heart to know that things could have been different, that our birth mother felt the need to lie to us so many times, and to drag this process out. We wanted nothing more than to have a wonderful relationship with her, and enjoy an open adoption, that our daughter could truly feel the love around all her.
We are faced with many uncertain things for our future.. Will we try to fix our relationship with our birth mother M? Will Izze want to know her, meet her? How do we go about telling Izze of our experience? I am so grateful for one thing.. I grew up in a single parent home, where my mother played both roles on a constant basis.. My mother never once spoke poorly of my father-she felt it was not her place to make our break that relationship.. I respect my mother, and appreciate that lesson. We will never speak poorly of M, we will let Izze make the decisions on what she wishes to pursue in that matter. But, we will educate her, and prepare her for things she may discover along the way. I am not perfect, I know.. But, I love my daughter, and I want her to know that although her birth mother made poor decisions in her life.. She still loves Izze too. I have to constantly remind myself of this.. Especially on the days when I feel angry about what we went through.
I am so grateful for the support, and to find others have been down this same path, and to find words that I can relate to. I am more than looking forward to our sealing in the next few months. I love this amazing little girl. I love what adoption has done for our family.
Please feel free to read Mrs. R's wonderful blog. There is a lot of information there on adoption, both for adoptive families, and birth parents. She is amazing! Check it our HERE.
Friday, April 13, 2012
I recently had a reader bring to my attention that they knew little of the mormon faith, and that more information would be appreciated.. I guess that was bad on my part to assume that the moajority of my readers were either LDS or at least familar with the LDS faith.. So, for those of you who are interested, here is my post on my faith, Mormonism.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Every time I picture Jon and I kneeling across the alter from one another, and them bringing Izze to us, I get a little choked up.. I know when that day comes, I will be a mess. Thank goodness I have already invested in waterproof mascara..
I have had so many plans sitting on the back burner for so long, that I can hardly believe that they will soon be put into motion. The fabric I have waiting to sewn into her blessing/sealing dress. that I have been hiding in a drawer out of fear of it being a wasted purchase.. I can finally sit down to put some thread through it, and complete my vision.. My little girl will be walking by then. No tiny infant to swaddle in dad's arms as he blesses her.. But, it doesn't matter. Regardless of how old she is, in the end we will be an eternal family.
And yes, that will be on paper too. To everyone I have seemed to ignored these past few months.. I apologize. I haven't been the best friend that I could be, and I have slacked in a lot of places. But, forgive me, there were things on my mind, burdens on my shoulders, and now I am free of the shackles that bound my wrist, and my heart.
I love this new journey that we are about to start. I know I am Izze's momma in my heart, and now it feels all brand new again, because I can look at her and say. I AM your momma, FOREVER!!! I love this little girl, and I love how complete she makes our family. I cannot imagine my life without her. I love how much my husband loves her, and what a wonderful father he is. I know in the beginning he was so scared of messing something up. He is the youngest of 3 boys and had no experience when it came to babies. But, I promised him that Izze was too young to know the difference.. that and she didn't really have anything to compare his parenting style to.. lol. He would roll his eye, and then I would reassure him, his mother and I would be there the entire time to hold his hand. He has done better than I think he ever anticipated, and I am pretty sure he has no idea how much I enjoy watching him love, and teach our little girl, and how every time my heart swells with love.
Again thank you everyone for your support, and above all I wish to share my love and gratitude for the Lord and his hand that he played in our journey along the way. I have been humbled, and blessed, and my testimony has grown with the things I have witnessed and experienced.
With eager hearts and goals in site.. I am eager to share the next few months with you, and to bring you up to date in May. Thank you for your patience.
As many of you already know... It finally happened!!!!! No, I'm not pregnant... But we do have some good news in regards to our daughter... Our birth mother finally relinquished her rights. The battle is over we no longer have to fight. Sigh... Relief. We will be looking to finalize our adoption by May.. Then in July we will finally take our sweet baby girl to the temple and we will be sealed for eternity as a family... I cannot believe we are that close. It has been a long hard journey filled with so many ups and downs.. I will finally be able to blog about our amazing story starting in May so look for those post. Thank you for the support the love and the never ending prayers. We love each and everyone of you and are thrilled to be abke to share this news with you. Thank you again.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Out of all the things I watched, and heard today... This is the one thing that just made me cry. The spirit was so over whelming. Everyone could benefit from watching this video..