Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Spoonful of humble?

I have been avoiding blogging for a while now, mainly because I have felt a little down in the mouth. Not just about the whole infertility thing, but also just another series of events taking place in our life right now. I am still currently now working, and am feeling the strain from Jon working almost every night, and sleeping every day. It has also come to my attention that my resentment towards others, mainly the cute little round women that I see every where... Thank you Utah!

I have started to feel that little bug climb back on my shoulder, and start begging for attention. Don't worry, unlike before, I am actually acknowledging this little disturbance. Thankfully, I have some wonderful friends, and other bloggers who ironically were all blogging about the same thing recently. I was kinda of caught off guard when I was catching up on my reading, due to the lack of blogging the past couple of weeks.

The theme that echoed through all of the blogs, was merely recognizing that God sends us trials, and that everything happens for a reason, and I need to have faith that everything will work out the way it's suppose to.

It was what I needed to read, I needed to be reminded, that I need to have patience, and I need to retain my strength, in the event that I have to potentially face the fact that we may end up adopting. That is fine, I am comfortable with our decision to wait, and then adopt. I just need to find the strength to endure.

I know this is probably a lot of rambling, but it's something that I needed to acknowledge and hopefully those individuals who blogs I read, will read this and know I appreciate their words.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Cycle 3 done, now what?

So, we aren't pregnant. Once again it's back to the drawing board. But, this time it's different cause, we put the drawing board away... I raised my little white flag, and now we are sitting here facing the next few months thinking, "what do we do now?"

I was happy to find out that after we told the doctor we wanted to take a break, and we asked if, and when we were ready to come back and start trying again, if he would prescribe us more clomid. Of course by this point in the conversation, I was already crying, and wanting to crawl into a hole, so when he responded that he would be pleased to do whatever he could, we were thrilled.

It's kind of nice to know that we have people behind us supporting us during our infertility journey. It's hard to feel alone, and sometimes forgotten. When the rest of the world is still moving forward, and having babies, and expanding families, it's hard to sit on the side, and keep a smile on your face. I am just glad that I finally get to do something different for once, perhaps take up a yoga class, or painting. I don't know, at least something that I can have some fun with, and no babies are involved.

Don't get me wrong, I love babies, they are drawn to me, we were just sitting in TGIF, waiting for our table, and this little boy about 13 months old, was standing on the bench next to me. Since I am so short, he was eye level with me, and I think he rather enjoyed this. He leaned over as far as he could while his dad was trying to hang onto him, and tapped me on my shoulder to get my attention. I turned and he had this huge grin across his face. I loved it! It became a game, and he did it a couple of more time til his father pulled him away, cause I am a creepy stranger like that.

I know I won't be able to stop blogging, because I know I am going to have days where the women at the grocery store who is barely 18 and has 2 kids and is clearly pregnant again, will more than likely piss me off, and I will need a place to vent. Ugh, here is to hoping that in 6 months, I can lose some weight, learn some yoga, and have some much needed fun with my husband!!!

Friday, October 8, 2010

This Nurse is an idiot

So, we went to our appointment, as scheduled.. We were ten minutes early, and anxious to get it done and over with. We waited for nearly 15 mins, the nurses are in charge of checking to see if they have any charts, and this stupid nurse failed to check. People who came in after us, to see the other doctor, were walked back into their rooms within 5 mins of getting there... HELLO??

We finally get back there, and she ask us what we were there to see the doctor for? Well obviously to follow up on the clomid, and to talk about the appointment, we had with the "specialist". She gave us this deer in the head lights look, and asked again, so you want to talk to the doctor about the appointment?.... Um.... Yes...

I then explained that we are intending to post pone any more cycles of clomid, and go on a break. She typed a few more sentences on the screen.. Then replied, and asked why we wanted to take a break? Is that really any of you business? I then shared that we wanted to live stress free for the next few months, not tracking anything, or planning when to make love. We wanted to just do something with our selves over the next little while...

She stood up, and with a half hearted smile on, said "Well I guess you don't need an exam today if you aren't going to do another cycle, but lets get a urine test to make sure" No, I don't think you understand, it's a little to early to test in my cycle. This shut her up, and she then proceeded to tell me then doctor would make the decision.. But she returned only to say the doctor said I didn't need to test!

Ha, stupid nurse... I hate this nurse, we get her seriously almost every time we go in, and she is just dumber than a door nail. Ugh, lucky the nurse our Doctor brings into the room with him, is awesome, and witty, so it makes up for the crappy service we receive before they enter the room.

We are still in limbo, and waiting for the last of this cycle to finish up, and we can finally begin to think about different things. Instead of a baby, I will be thinking about which apartment is better, or I will be thinking about what I want to do when I am finished with school next May... Oh the choices to make.

Hope you are as excited as I am, I know that making the decision to keep my blog going is a hard one, and I have not yet decided on this.. I guess if I keep it going, I need to do a blog make over, and make it look a little more awesome!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Tap out!

So, we are nearing the end of our third cycle of clomid, my what a ride this has been. We have gone through so much in the past 3 months, let alone the past year. I can't believe that we could finally be a cross point, where I finally get to live a "normal" life. Not having to worry about counting days, and whether or not aunt flow is coming.

We find out this week if we are pregnant or not, and considering we haven't deviated from the pattern yet, I am betting we are yet once again, not pregnant. This being said, it comes at a moment of relief, of no more doctors visits, no more test, or taking pills, or being asked a million questions... I am just looking forward to relaxing, enjoying life. Perhaps plan a vacation, or move out of my in-laws. Not that I don't love them, I just think perhaps we should grow up. At least, sooner or later.

It's kinda sad to see this chapter end, but I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be healthy, and I want to work on myself. I want to prepare my body to potentially one day carry a baby.. I want to know that I have lowered my risk of miscarriage, or gestational diabetes, or preclampsia<< if that's how you spell that.

We find out more on our appointment on Wednesday, this is our regular doctor, you know, not the nut case who is the "specialist". It'll be weird to tell him to not fill my clomid prescription again... kind of disheartening... But I guess when you think infertility all the time, it feels like you are giving up, even if you have said it a million times. We are only taking a break. I hope I don't give into temptations, and I don't feel the urge to test if I am ovulating, so on and so forth.

Ugh, Wish me luck!! I guess pending the results of next week, we could be going on vacation with this blog... sigh.. that is even more depressing..