How do you?

How do you keep fighting, when all of your energy is gone? How do you see through all the clouds, and the never ending rain?

I seriously don't even know what to say, what to think.. I can feel this thick sheet over whelming my life, I don't know if I can try anymore..

I agreed to do one more cycle of clomid, but after that, I don't think I am willing to fight. I've lost my will, and my heart can't take much more.

I don't think I ovulated, my period is almost a week late, several confirmed NEGATIVE hpt, including a urine test at my clinic, and my body hates me.

that being said, pretty sure, I hate my body...

Raising the White Flag on the Clomid...

So Counting days, I am on cd 26, with a couple of used HPT, I am thinking I am NOT pregnant... *sigh* which only comes with more great disappointment, and a few other grains of salt to rub in my wounds. In the past two days, I have found out that one of my girlfriends is pregnant, she is not sure how far along she is, but non the less, she is.. I have another girlfriend who just recently started trying, at the end of May, I text her yesterday morning, and asked her if she had tested, since she had been further along in her cycle, and her tww, was well over, I got a "yep!" reply, followed by a pic... She got a BFP....

A great feeling of conflict came to me, where on one hand I was beyond THRILLED for my friend, since it had taken some time to even convince her husband to start trying for a family. But, on the other hand, I was pushed that much further towards, my bottomless pit of depression... I was standing on the edge looking in.

I spent the majority of my day, curled up on the couch, my face once again puffy, and red. I was at a point where all I wanted was someone to hold me, so I sent an email to my mother, hoping for words of comfort, in my time of need.. What I got was not something I expected. My mother, expressed how much she loved me, no matter what, even if I was broken, and I never had children, I still meant something to her. She then went on to tell me that perhaps I would never have my own children, and that adoption may be the only choice we have. I felt even more betrayed, I thought mothers were suppose to give unconditional love, and support? Although, I've always known my mother to be a negative-ninny. I felt at that moment, I truly wanted to prove her wrong.

Jon took me for a drive, and bought me a cola, and spent a great deal of the evening listening to him talk, since I was a little down in the mouth.

Later my friend Brittany came over, whom I have a ton of respect for her, especially considering that I would have never had met Brittany had I not attending the infertility support group. Truly a blessing, and something that I can be grateful for. Talking with someone about my issues, who truly understands what I am going through, was so rewarding, and a lot LESS depressing.

I am about to call this first round of Clomid, my opponent close to being crowned the winner. I have a bigger bucket of strength for the pending second cycle, and I truly believe the Clomid will EVENTUALLY work. Which is an improvement of emotions, since we started the Clomid process.

Here is looking toward to future, and the next couple of months.

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to..

I had one of those days.. You know, the kind where you want to get upset over the simplest matters, just so you can yell about something... Yeah, I have one of those days. I had been feeling a little down, and depression was starting to show it's ugly face, and I kept running the "What ifs" through my head. I kept trying to put these thoughts out of my mind, and not willing to acknowledge the fact that I was feeling so down.

Jon and I got in an argument about the dishes, and then Jon brought up how I seemed to be acting funny, and that I seemed depressed. I of course, told him to finish the dishes, and I shouted as I stormed towards the bedroom, I would finish dinner when I felt like it. I then went and laid on our bed for a few minutes, and got up and striped the bed, and started folding laundry.. I didn't want to admit that the infertility was making me depressed, and I really didn't want to admit this to my husband..

Jon came in a few short minutes later, to apologize and to talk.. this is where I burst into tears, and told him I felt worthless, and that my body was retarded and I wasn't any good, due to the fact that I couldn't do something as simple as making a baby!

We sat on the floor, for a good hour, me crying, and Jon attempting to comfort me. I expressed that I didn't know if I had enough faith to believe that getting pregnant could actually happen for us. I know, it's foolish, and I should probably have my hand slapped for thinking such thoughts.

Jon reassured me that he believed, and that I shouldn't beat myself up so much. But, why stop if that's the only thing I seem to be good at?

So we sat some more, and I cried... some more.. Then Jon offered to give me a blessing, that the clomid would work, and that I would find comfort. I can honestly say it is moments like this where I am so grateful for the priesthood. After wards, we sat some more, then Jon told me he loved me, and after a few more minutes of last minute crying. I composed myself and made dinner.

So now a few hours later, I have puffy eyes, and a better feeling about things.. I am not sure really what lies ahead, I don't know if I will even get pregnant. I just know that I am at peace at the moment. What exactly that is, I am not sure. I just wish I knew that it would EVENTUALLY happen. That I really could get pregnant, and we weren't playing the guessing game.

I hope the clomid is worth it, the hot flashes, and the mood swings.. I just want to know that I can be normal like everyone else, and that I can be a mommy too.

Waita minute Mr. Postman!

I am so excited! I won my second bid on Ebay, and I would like to announce that I am the proud owner of a Clearblue easy fertility monitor!!! YEAH!!! Don't worry, it's never been opened and it came with the plastic wrap still on it!

It came a couple of weeks ago, but not in time for me to use it this cycle. Which I will find out next week if the Clomid worked or not, and if I even have to use it!

Wouldn't that be the best thing ever, if I didn't have to use my fertility monitor, and the clomid worked! I freakin hope so!

So here I am just a few days shy of Dooms Day a.k.a. Aunt Flows pending arrival, and I would greatly much appreciate it if she would not show her ugly mug. Is it to late to send her a postcard. "Wish you were here...NOT"

I will keep you updated, as for now I am crossing my fingers!

to bring a dream to life....

I want this blog posting to be different. To the women who suffer in silence, with broken hearts, from difficulty conceiving, or having been able to conceive and miscarried.



To ALL of my friends who have had their life's changed, even if for a brief moment. I love you and care about you. I am so sorry that the sorrow, and burden you are carrying is one that I cannot fully relate.

I keep you in my prayers, and are mindful of your sorrows. I'm here if you ever need me.

Pick up foot, insert to mouth

So this is my opk from today. The one on the bottom, with the apparently darker line. Because of my PCOS, I get darker faint lines then other women. But, I can honestly say this is the darkest line I have ever gotten. I think it's time to do some BD-ing!!!

Oh honey cakes where are you??

Pending Worry

I have noticed over the past couple of days that I don't really feel like I am going to ovulate.. I noticed on the last day of Clomid that I was cramping really really bad, and I could feel the 'O' pain in both of my ovaries. Later that evening I even had break through bleeding, which I contributed to the 'O' process.

The thing about this is, that would have been way to soon for me to ovulate... isn't it? I mean I finished the Clomid on day 8 of my cycle.. I shouldn't ovulate til about tomorrow or so.. Which would be day 14 or so my cycle. I guess I am really confused. Between the OPK's and all my symptoms I don't think I am ovulating right now. Perhaps my body is just really responsive to the Clomid, and it worked right away..

Oh well, at least Jon and I BD every other day thus far, I hope that results in a pregnancy, or else I don't think I ovulated, and they will increase my Clomid Dosage.. Not looking forward to this.

On another note, I am starting to feel a little guilty. The gal, whom I told you about her blogging, and announcing her pregnancy. She just blogged that she is experiencing a threatened misscarriage. I feel a little bad, only because I was wishing it was me. I couldn't even imagine... *sigh* even having a misscarriage at this point would be comforting, it would mean that my tubes aren't blocked, and I really can get pregnant.

I think I am a little sick, and twisted...

BABY PANDEMONIUM!!!

That's right.. BABY PANDEMONIUM!!! I can't even escape the whole baby scene when I get on to blog.. Ugh. My list that I follow, the last person who recently updated is a gal that I know, and she just announced that she is only 9 weeks pregnant.... grrreeeaaat.

I want you all to know, I'm happy, I am happy for all my friends who are blessed to be parents.. I'm just slightly annoyed that I'm not a parent yet.. I am really starting to think that this Clomid better work, or I am not gonna be a happy camper.

On another note, I am having ovulation pain. I can feel it in my ovaries.. yuck, it hurts.

I hope this is worth it.

Enduring well

When I started typing this blog, it was one of those, cliche' pity me blogs. That allowed me to rant about how sad I was today. But, as I continued to type, it changed.

So this is what it turned into...

Learning to Endure well.

A few weeks ago, when AF graced me with her presence, I remember standing in the shower, feeling depressed, and thinking that I wasn't even going to start the Clomid, because I didn't want to even try. But later as I sat on the couch, all I could think was "That's Satan talking to you." I know by the Lord declaration that I am to be a mother, that Jon is to be a father, and we are to have an eternal family. It says so in both of our patriarchal blessings. It would be that easy for me to give up, to not try, to not endure.

I want to fight, I am not sure how much fight I have left in me, but I want too. I want to accomplish becoming a parent, I say accomplishment, because in all reality, becoming pregnant is pretty high on my list. I have other goals, and dreams, unfortunately they kind of involve having a family. But I have them.

I pray for strength, I pray for energy, and I pray for continuing comfort in my en devour. I know one day I will get the point where I am happy, I just don't know if that means with, or without children.

Only the Lord knows right? I wish he'd start sharing secrets!!!!

The results are in!

So after waiting three days to hear back from the doctor.. Jon and I just decided to get online and look up the results of the SA...


We are pleased to announce that Jon's "boys" are perfectly normal!!! Hurray, *grumble, grumble* That means we have absolutely no reason to worry about Jon and his capabilities to conceive a child.. Great.... Since it was what I pretty much figured from the beginning. It wasn't much of a shock to me, it is a sense of relief and a sense of disappointment. Now the problem we know, which we have known the entire time, is with me. But, at the same time it's comforting and a blessing.

With this we only have one challenge, not two. With this we know that we only need to concentrate on what is happening with my body, and we know that Jon is healthy.

A lot to digest, but the Clomid is kicking my butt, and giving me great hot flashes. I hope it finally works for us, and the secret fertility key that no one wants to share with us, will finally be ours.

Hot Flashes, Already?

Day one of Clomid down, and already I am having hot flashes like it's not bodies business. Plus on top of it, I have terrible cotton mouth. I cannot remember the last time my mouth was this dry. Yuck.

I only have 4 more days of taking this stuff. I hope that the hot flashes aren't this bad the entire time.. thankfully I don't feel like I am having any mood swings or emotional issues. I know that for some women that can be an issue when taking Clomid. But, hopefully I can keep that in check

On a better note, my Clomid was actually $30 less then what I was expecting it to be, which was awesome!

So I guess I will keep you updated as I feel my body go through all the changes, and hopefully we have some positive results at the end of the month. Here is hoping right?

Lost Labs, and Sterile cups..

So It's been only a few days, but it's been kinda hectic the past little while. Jon and I went down to the Lab in Provo Yesterday so we could get a sterile cup from them.. Plus it came with a whole bunch of other instructions including keeping it in the biohazard bag, getting it to them within 30 mins, and keeping it body tempeture. That meant the whole drive back to Provo this morning, I was keepin' Jon's boys (as he kept callin' them) warm. In fact, Jon kept shouting "Hang in their boys"!

We got there in time, then the receptionist informed us we still needed to check in and sit, just like all the other patients.. I know I'm not special or anything, but really? You want be to just sit here.. with my husbands "stuff" you guys were the ones who stressed about how quickly we get it back to you, and now, you want me to wait? Great...

Then to top it off, we had forgotten the prescription at home, in our rush, the prescription was the last thing on my mind.. But, thankfully we were able to fax the prescription to them.

On another note, I called the Doctors office wanting to know the results of my test.. You know the one that left a huge bruise on my hand, cause the failed to get it from my arm.. Yeah, that one.

So I called the doctors office, and after talking to two different people, the couldn't find where my labs had gone to.. Well after an hour or so, I finally got a call back.. The nurse politely, but matter of factly told me I was not pregnant.. I lost it. I cried in the car ride on the way home, and I laid in bed for about a half hour.. crying.. then I took a shower.. and cried. I was bummed to say the least.

So starting tomorrow, I start my Clomid. I don't really feel overly confident about this. I am getting to a point where I just want to throw away all of my TTC crap, and never think about having kids again.

I think I need a pick-me-up. I need something to give me new energy, new hope. I need something to help me keep going. I just don't know what that is yet.