Wednesday, July 21, 2010

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to..

I had one of those days.. You know, the kind where you want to get upset over the simplest matters, just so you can yell about something... Yeah, I have one of those days. I had been feeling a little down, and depression was starting to show it's ugly face, and I kept running the "What ifs" through my head. I kept trying to put these thoughts out of my mind, and not willing to acknowledge the fact that I was feeling so down.

Jon and I got in an argument about the dishes, and then Jon brought up how I seemed to be acting funny, and that I seemed depressed. I of course, told him to finish the dishes, and I shouted as I stormed towards the bedroom, I would finish dinner when I felt like it. I then went and laid on our bed for a few minutes, and got up and striped the bed, and started folding laundry.. I didn't want to admit that the infertility was making me depressed, and I really didn't want to admit this to my husband..

Jon came in a few short minutes later, to apologize and to talk.. this is where I burst into tears, and told him I felt worthless, and that my body was retarded and I wasn't any good, due to the fact that I couldn't do something as simple as making a baby!

We sat on the floor, for a good hour, me crying, and Jon attempting to comfort me. I expressed that I didn't know if I had enough faith to believe that getting pregnant could actually happen for us. I know, it's foolish, and I should probably have my hand slapped for thinking such thoughts.

Jon reassured me that he believed, and that I shouldn't beat myself up so much. But, why stop if that's the only thing I seem to be good at?

So we sat some more, and I cried... some more.. Then Jon offered to give me a blessing, that the clomid would work, and that I would find comfort. I can honestly say it is moments like this where I am so grateful for the priesthood. After wards, we sat some more, then Jon told me he loved me, and after a few more minutes of last minute crying. I composed myself and made dinner.

So now a few hours later, I have puffy eyes, and a better feeling about things.. I am not sure really what lies ahead, I don't know if I will even get pregnant. I just know that I am at peace at the moment. What exactly that is, I am not sure. I just wish I knew that it would EVENTUALLY happen. That I really could get pregnant, and we weren't playing the guessing game.

I hope the clomid is worth it, the hot flashes, and the mood swings.. I just want to know that I can be normal like everyone else, and that I can be a mommy too.