Thursday, June 10, 2010

Starting with me..

So, here I am.. 22, second marriage, and feeling empty.. I suffer from PCOS, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Which keeps my body from processing insulin correctly therefore, I cannot lose weight, so I am overweight, childless, and facing the impact of infertility. My Husband Jon and I have been married a year this month, and even though I knew we were going to face difficulties conceiving, I had no idea it would be this catastrophic.Several times throughout our marriage I have broken down completely, crying so hard that my skin hurt..

We started our process with our family physician, being proscribed Metformin, to deal with my insulin levels, and to aid with the cyst on my ovaries.. I somehow foolishly thought that this would solve all my problems, that some how within a few months I would magically be pregnant. No, it hasn't worked out that way, in fact I think it has had the opposite effect on me, and it's actually working for everyone else. I go longer without getting pregnant, and the rest of the entire world gets to be parents.

I have a group of friends that my Husband and I on occasion hang out with, two couples of this particular group are pregnant. One of my girlfriends is reaching the end of her journey of pregnancy, while another is just at the beginning. Then just the other day, the third couple shared with me, that yes, they too are going to start trying for a family. Like really is there a huge magnet attached to my body that say "Everyone who can get pregnant, come into my life, and flaunt it in my face.." I know that they don't "Flaunt" Their awesome baby making skills in my face on purpose, it just happens.. I feel the sharp sting, every time I hear them talk about the baby moving, or hearing their child's heart beat. I sit over here twiddling my thumbs, putting on a smile.. all the while, I cry inside.

The sad thing is I think I am becoming use to the idea, or forcing myself to realize that I may never be a parent, and that I will have to watch this every single day of my life. I don't want to feel anything, anymore. I would love nothing to wrap my heart up and lock away, just so I never feel anything ever again... I hate feeling lost.