Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Today, I want a baby..

Do you ever have one of those days where you just really want a baby? I am having one of those days. I get on Facebook, and there is nothing but pregnant woman, that yes, are friends of mine, talking about their pregnancies. I go grocery shopping, I chat with my sister. Everyone, is getting pregnant, having their babies, and here I sit feeling about as big as a mouse. I feel like it's this movie that is playing and I am just walking through the scenes.

I felt good a couple of days ago, when I attended my support group. It was nice to feel like I wasn't the only one going through this. Even though I saw the woman sitting there, looking, and probably feeling the as much despair as I am. It's still isn't that comforting to me. It's like a slap in the face, making me acknowledge the fact that the rest of my life may be spent in support groups, and infertility forums.

I know one thing, that this whole infertility thing would really suck if I didn't have such a supportive husband. He even came to the support group with me. He was the only guy, go Jon! He even offered to give me a blessing yesterday, something that I know I truly needed it. Feeling over whelmed by my pending doctors appointment. I know, I know. I probably sound like a broken record, but I am so so so scared. I cannot not shake these feelings. It's like, I am setting myself up for failure. That I am building the climax, to the appointment where my doctor tells me, that we are infertile.

I think the most frustrating part is not knowing. Like, if we were told that we can, and will get pregnant. I could relax. But I still feel like it's in Limbo, and I don't know if it's good news for us, or bad news. Really, can't I just get a sign? Can't I just have a smack in the face that says " Sarah, Shut up! Relax, it is going to happen for you." I know any person could walk up to me, and tell me that. But, it's different when your doctor tells you.

I truly hope we get there. One way or another, I want nothing more then that. Is that to much to ask?