Lots of NEW things

So, I have been spending a lot of time contimplating how I want to kick off my New Year, I have already decided that starting things off by counting one thing every day that I am thankful for. I also have deicded to really get on top of my weight. It's bee a huge issue, and since finding out almost a year ago that I have PCOS, it doesn't exaclty help.

I decided to really start working on my weight issue this month. Since starting in January seems to put way to much pressure on resolutions, it made it easier to convince myself.

I'm particularly excited on what methods I have choosen to help acheive my weight goals. I decided on the Jillian Micheals 30 day shred program, just to get things started, and I also have decided to take up Zumba, and since we already have a gym membership, I have 3 things on my side to help, and keep things interesting. It's hard when you have a short attention span, not seeing results, and doing the same thing over and over again.

For instance if I took up running, I would have to do outside running, that way I could look at everything.. the whole inside thing doesn't work for me. I'm kind of demanding when it comes to working out.

So, This is good, I will be able to keep tabs on myself, using this as a way to answer for myself, and what I am doing with my time, and also kicking my year off with gratitude. Needless to say, if you can't tell, i'm pretty excited. Also since I have already lost 6lbs thus far, I am feeling pretty dang good!

So, my end goal, I want to be able to walk into any store pick up a peice of clothing, and know that it will fit me. I want to be healthier, and have more energy, and really feel good about myself.

I hope this goal thing keeps happening cause it feels good to make them, and actually start a pathway to keep the ball rolling.

Baby, all I want for Christmas is you!

That is probably one of my favortie Christmas songs of all time. Mariah Carey, although I am sure that we have different meanings to this is song. I translate it it, that I litterally want a baby for Christmas.

This is not the second Christmas I have spent with my husband, and although we couldn't be happier, it kinda plan sucks, when someone ask you want you want for Christams, and secretly in the back of your mind all you can think is "I don't think they sale new uterus at Wal-mart" Okay so a little graffic on my part. But really, I don't think you could get much happier at least in my position.

I wish I could share more of the inter workings of my life at this current moment. There are things in the works that could drastically change our lives forever. (No worries, I'm not pregnant.) But, there is just so much happening, and it's hard to be excited when it's still hanging by a thread. All I guess I can really say, is please keep us in your prayers.

There is a song by an artist, If you have never heard of him, you should, Micheal McLean, I love his music. I've always love this particular song, and even though I heard it for the first time when I was about 14 years old. This song has made a huge impact on my life, and it just relates so much how I feel every year at this time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM7pXboXXv4

Okay... So I looked every where on the internet for this song, and this is the only thing I could find... Sorry, you have to listen to the first part, or skip through it a little... Don't hate me. It's not even the prettiest version of this song. The song is titled, Mary let me hold her baby. If you get a chance you should look it up. The CD is called the Forgotten Carols. Seriously good stuff!

now for kicks and giggles.

Merry Christmas!!!

I gotta find...something.

So, I have been thinking the past few days that I have been kind of a negative ninnie, and yes I love that title, and no, I don't care what you think about it. lol

What I was thinking is that I need to start my year off being more thankful, so I think starting the first day in January, I am going to shoot for 30 days of thankfulness, and optimism... sigh. I had do something like this for a class I had last year. For two weeks, we needed to find 5 things a day we were thankful for. I felt like I was scrapping the bottom of the barrel, but in retrospective, everything I was thankful for, I really was thankful for.

I am eager to get this ball rolling, and hope that I can stick with it. Oh man, that means I gotta blog every day, blah!

I don't feel overly confident in my blogging sometimes, I mean, heck reading other people blogs, after I am done, I feel like that person is 10 times funnier than me, and there is not way I could keep things entertaining.. So if you aren't sleepig yet, then I guess it's a good thing.

My goal with this, I want to increase my blog followers, and I think that means my blog needs a make over. Oh Brit, Brit, gonna need your help with that! I guess this means, I gotta better learn how to navigate the Blogger Website. You'd think by now I would have gotten it down.

Okay girlies, get ready for the new year! Oh also if you got any suggestions on my new year en devour.. Yeah, advice will gladly be welcomed!

reality... or something like it.

I spent this past Friday helping my mother with a classroom party at my little brothers school. Since it's Christmas time, we decided to kick Christmas vacation off with a bang.

During our little party, we did a craft, the kids got to make ornaments. Super cute, and the kids seemed to enjoy them. But, while they were putting them together I was up at the front of the class room, cutting some papers for my mom, I over heard a group of little 6th grade girls talking.

I only heard a few quick lines, but it was enough for me to drop my jaw, and ask "really?" The one little girl I heard, proudly shouted, " Well, when I have a baby, I am going to name her..." and then she was drowned out by the yelling and screaming of the other children.

Now, I know that girls have a stronger desire towards parenting, but really, does it start that soon? and honestly all I could think was, yeah that's what you think now, til you grow up and you find out your uterus isn't any good...

Man talk about being the Scrooge of fertility. I am even considering bashing the dreams of a 12 year old.

But let's face it, as another Christmas comes to an end, and the months continue to move by, I am growing accept the idea, that perhaps I am not meant to cut it as a parent.. I honestly have this thought going over and over again in my head, attempting to convince myself that I don't really like kids. That perhaps I am just meant to adopt a few small dogs, love them, let them love me, and live my life.

I know, I know, not really the most motivational speech to oneself.. But I think I deserve to vent for a minute, and bitch just a little bit, about my bitterness. You spend so much time putting on a face for the world, being happy. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for those in my life that are given such a great opportunity to become parents, but lets face it, we are still a little bitter about the whole thing.

I won' ever get to know that feeling of my baby kicking me from the inside, I may never even get the feeling of holding my own child. But, at least at one point in my life, when I was 12 I still believed that I was going to be a mom. Heck, I may have even been that little girl in the my sixth grade class talking about what name to give my babies... That's the crappy part of reality, it smashes your dreams, faster than it took us to imagine them.

what I saw, what I've seen..

So, shortly after my last post, I had a dream. I dreamt that my husband and I had decided to adopt. In my dream I was very pleased about our decision, and excited for the new adventure.

In my dream, it played out quickly, but is still so vivid in my mind that if I close my eyes. I can see everything, and imagine how I was feeling at that moment. Shortly, after we made the decision to adopt, something happened. We were picked, and not just picked, I mean like it was fast. I wasn't even prepared for a baby, in my dream I was freaking out because I didn't have any diapers to even change the baby's bottom. A friend of mine, came with me and we picked up my new infant son, Erick.. I don't know how the name Erick came up, I have only ever known one, and that was from elementary school.

So, in my dream, I am buckling my baby into his cart seat in the back of my car, and we smiled at me. I could see his beautiful blue eyes, and his gorgeous smile. I even remember thinking "wow, everyone was right, they still end up looking like you". The next thing I knew we were driving around, and I was freaking oout, because the baby had a poopie diaper, and I didn't have diapers, and I kept thinking. I am a terrible mother, I don't even have anything to change his diaper with.

I woke up shortly after I turned around in my seat, to stare at his cart seat in the back of the car. I rememeber thinking, I love this baby, and it's gonna be okay..

I feel kind of foolish after having this dream. It's true the Lord really knows how to comfort. I needed this dream, no tiny whisper of hope was enough. I needed my own personal movie played out for me.

I am just glad it came when it did, a day after aunt flow graced me with her presence, and I was feeling a little down in the mouth. But, I awoke that morning feeling more peace, and hope about my infertility, than I have in a long time.

fear, and rationalizing...

Today, I am afraid.. I am afraid that my biggest fear, may soon be realized. That the length span I have allowed between waiting and adopting will quickly dissolve, and two years will have instantly passed, and I am facing adoption. I am not so much afraid of adopting, I am just afraid of everything involved. Like waiting, or not being choosen, or being choosen and then later deciding not. But, I am also afraid that I won't be able to love an adopted child as much as, my biological children, or that the child could not love me back.

I know these are things, that many people will try to push from my mind, or bring me some sort of comfort, but for right now, and I am sure for a while. I am afraid, afraid of never being a mother, by my own means, or by adoption. My greatest fear, is never being a mother...

Spoonful of humble?

I have been avoiding blogging for a while now, mainly because I have felt a little down in the mouth. Not just about the whole infertility thing, but also just another series of events taking place in our life right now. I am still currently now working, and am feeling the strain from Jon working almost every night, and sleeping every day. It has also come to my attention that my resentment towards others, mainly the cute little round women that I see every where... Thank you Utah!

I have started to feel that little bug climb back on my shoulder, and start begging for attention. Don't worry, unlike before, I am actually acknowledging this little disturbance. Thankfully, I have some wonderful friends, and other bloggers who ironically were all blogging about the same thing recently. I was kinda of caught off guard when I was catching up on my reading, due to the lack of blogging the past couple of weeks.

The theme that echoed through all of the blogs, was merely recognizing that God sends us trials, and that everything happens for a reason, and I need to have faith that everything will work out the way it's suppose to.

It was what I needed to read, I needed to be reminded, that I need to have patience, and I need to retain my strength, in the event that I have to potentially face the fact that we may end up adopting. That is fine, I am comfortable with our decision to wait, and then adopt. I just need to find the strength to endure.

I know this is probably a lot of rambling, but it's something that I needed to acknowledge and hopefully those individuals who blogs I read, will read this and know I appreciate their words.