Thursday, November 11, 2010

fear, and rationalizing...

Today, I am afraid.. I am afraid that my biggest fear, may soon be realized. That the length span I have allowed between waiting and adopting will quickly dissolve, and two years will have instantly passed, and I am facing adoption. I am not so much afraid of adopting, I am just afraid of everything involved. Like waiting, or not being choosen, or being choosen and then later deciding not. But, I am also afraid that I won't be able to love an adopted child as much as, my biological children, or that the child could not love me back.

I know these are things, that many people will try to push from my mind, or bring me some sort of comfort, but for right now, and I am sure for a while. I am afraid, afraid of never being a mother, by my own means, or by adoption. My greatest fear, is never being a mother...



Comes quicker than you think. And yeah, it's terrifying. But you realize when it comes that you're strangly grateful for the trial (when you can stop being angry long enough to feel grateful) and that things are going to be alright. And you realize it's not adoption that upsets you, it's infertility. Just remember no matter what happens, it'll be okay. And also, if there's one thing we DO have on our side at this point, it's time. Can't get much younger than us and be consciously trying for a family. :)