Spoonful of humble?

I have been avoiding blogging for a while now, mainly because I have felt a little down in the mouth. Not just about the whole infertility thing, but also just another series of events taking place in our life right now. I am still currently now working, and am feeling the strain from Jon working almost every night, and sleeping every day. It has also come to my attention that my resentment towards others, mainly the cute little round women that I see every where... Thank you Utah!

I have started to feel that little bug climb back on my shoulder, and start begging for attention. Don't worry, unlike before, I am actually acknowledging this little disturbance. Thankfully, I have some wonderful friends, and other bloggers who ironically were all blogging about the same thing recently. I was kinda of caught off guard when I was catching up on my reading, due to the lack of blogging the past couple of weeks.

The theme that echoed through all of the blogs, was merely recognizing that God sends us trials, and that everything happens for a reason, and I need to have faith that everything will work out the way it's suppose to.

It was what I needed to read, I needed to be reminded, that I need to have patience, and I need to retain my strength, in the event that I have to potentially face the fact that we may end up adopting. That is fine, I am comfortable with our decision to wait, and then adopt. I just need to find the strength to endure.

I know this is probably a lot of rambling, but it's something that I needed to acknowledge and hopefully those individuals who blogs I read, will read this and know I appreciate their words.

Cycle 3 done, now what?

So, we aren't pregnant. Once again it's back to the drawing board. But, this time it's different cause, we put the drawing board away... I raised my little white flag, and now we are sitting here facing the next few months thinking, "what do we do now?"

I was happy to find out that after we told the doctor we wanted to take a break, and we asked if, and when we were ready to come back and start trying again, if he would prescribe us more clomid. Of course by this point in the conversation, I was already crying, and wanting to crawl into a hole, so when he responded that he would be pleased to do whatever he could, we were thrilled.

It's kind of nice to know that we have people behind us supporting us during our infertility journey. It's hard to feel alone, and sometimes forgotten. When the rest of the world is still moving forward, and having babies, and expanding families, it's hard to sit on the side, and keep a smile on your face. I am just glad that I finally get to do something different for once, perhaps take up a yoga class, or painting. I don't know, at least something that I can have some fun with, and no babies are involved.

Don't get me wrong, I love babies, they are drawn to me, we were just sitting in TGIF, waiting for our table, and this little boy about 13 months old, was standing on the bench next to me. Since I am so short, he was eye level with me, and I think he rather enjoyed this. He leaned over as far as he could while his dad was trying to hang onto him, and tapped me on my shoulder to get my attention. I turned and he had this huge grin across his face. I loved it! It became a game, and he did it a couple of more time til his father pulled him away, cause I am a creepy stranger like that.

I know I won't be able to stop blogging, because I know I am going to have days where the women at the grocery store who is barely 18 and has 2 kids and is clearly pregnant again, will more than likely piss me off, and I will need a place to vent. Ugh, here is to hoping that in 6 months, I can lose some weight, learn some yoga, and have some much needed fun with my husband!!!

This Nurse is an idiot

So, we went to our appointment, as scheduled.. We were ten minutes early, and anxious to get it done and over with. We waited for nearly 15 mins, the nurses are in charge of checking to see if they have any charts, and this stupid nurse failed to check. People who came in after us, to see the other doctor, were walked back into their rooms within 5 mins of getting there... HELLO??

We finally get back there, and she ask us what we were there to see the doctor for? Well obviously to follow up on the clomid, and to talk about the appointment, we had with the "specialist". She gave us this deer in the head lights look, and asked again, so you want to talk to the doctor about the appointment?.... Um.... Yes...

I then explained that we are intending to post pone any more cycles of clomid, and go on a break. She typed a few more sentences on the screen.. Then replied, and asked why we wanted to take a break? Is that really any of you business? I then shared that we wanted to live stress free for the next few months, not tracking anything, or planning when to make love. We wanted to just do something with our selves over the next little while...

She stood up, and with a half hearted smile on, said "Well I guess you don't need an exam today if you aren't going to do another cycle, but lets get a urine test to make sure" No, I don't think you understand, it's a little to early to test in my cycle. This shut her up, and she then proceeded to tell me then doctor would make the decision.. But she returned only to say the doctor said I didn't need to test!

Ha, stupid nurse... I hate this nurse, we get her seriously almost every time we go in, and she is just dumber than a door nail. Ugh, lucky the nurse our Doctor brings into the room with him, is awesome, and witty, so it makes up for the crappy service we receive before they enter the room.

We are still in limbo, and waiting for the last of this cycle to finish up, and we can finally begin to think about different things. Instead of a baby, I will be thinking about which apartment is better, or I will be thinking about what I want to do when I am finished with school next May... Oh the choices to make.

Hope you are as excited as I am, I know that making the decision to keep my blog going is a hard one, and I have not yet decided on this.. I guess if I keep it going, I need to do a blog make over, and make it look a little more awesome!

Tap out!

So, we are nearing the end of our third cycle of clomid, my what a ride this has been. We have gone through so much in the past 3 months, let alone the past year. I can't believe that we could finally be a cross point, where I finally get to live a "normal" life. Not having to worry about counting days, and whether or not aunt flow is coming.

We find out this week if we are pregnant or not, and considering we haven't deviated from the pattern yet, I am betting we are yet once again, not pregnant. This being said, it comes at a moment of relief, of no more doctors visits, no more test, or taking pills, or being asked a million questions... I am just looking forward to relaxing, enjoying life. Perhaps plan a vacation, or move out of my in-laws. Not that I don't love them, I just think perhaps we should grow up. At least, sooner or later.

It's kinda sad to see this chapter end, but I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be healthy, and I want to work on myself. I want to prepare my body to potentially one day carry a baby.. I want to know that I have lowered my risk of miscarriage, or gestational diabetes, or preclampsia<< if that's how you spell that.

We find out more on our appointment on Wednesday, this is our regular doctor, you know, not the nut case who is the "specialist". It'll be weird to tell him to not fill my clomid prescription again... kind of disheartening... But I guess when you think infertility all the time, it feels like you are giving up, even if you have said it a million times. We are only taking a break. I hope I don't give into temptations, and I don't feel the urge to test if I am ovulating, so on and so forth.

Ugh, Wish me luck!! I guess pending the results of next week, we could be going on vacation with this blog... sigh.. that is even more depressing..

I'm paying you for what?

So, Jon and I got the "wonderful" opportunity to meet with yet another doctor today. Although this one was slightly different then the others, it wasn't any less eventful.. Seriously it was the worst hour I have ever wasted at a doctors appointment, period. Well next to the terrible HSG procedure.

The only pain I was in today was trying to decided whether or not to stab my eyeballs out. We were 15 minds early. But the doctor didn't even come get us til 10 mins after our appointment was suppose to start, so we spent almost a half hour in the waiting room.

We get back to his office, give him the run down of things, like Jon's seamen analysis, and my hsg and the clomid results, and yada, yada, yada.. The doctor then turns around picks up a book, and starts looking through it. The fertility "specialist", had never even heard of a unicornuate uterus before, and even tried correcting me when I said it.. *rolls eyes*

He then proceeds to tell us, that his partner would have a better idea for what we would be able to do from this point. IVF, surrogacy, or adoption.. Oh and then the best part, he tells us that because he referred us, we can get the consultation from this other doctor for a discounted price.. So an over the phone consultation, with the "real" doctor in California, is only going to cost us a meer $225...

Look, why can't you just tell me, "Yeah, you can totally carry a baby in that small uterus of yours". That's all I want to hear. Better yet, because I did the research I know that other women with my condition, can and do have healthy babies. I know I have risk, and I get that.. But seriously, I don't need a phone consultaion from a doctor, who I don't even get to see, to tell me what I should and or shouldn't do.

If in the end we get pregnant, and we are only able to have one child, then fine. I will love the crap out of that baby!!!

It wasn't any help. Needless to say we are very frustrated, and at this point are just so stinkin' tired of doctors visits. We will be taking a break after this cycle, and now we just need to find another doctor who is willing to give me drugs to help with ovulating..

Chapter 2 of HSG test...

Wow, that's all I can say.. I was talking to my friend earlier this evening, and I expressed to her, that knowing more about my fertility was like a breath of fresh air, after holding my lungs for so long.

We had our follow-up appointment today, I was way anxious to hear what the doctor had to say about everything, and nervous that they were going to tell me more than I wanted to hear.

But, he came into the room, and started asking how it went. I shared with him, that the pain was terrible, they should do more to offer comfort to their patients, and that the doctor who performed the test was an out right jerk! He was actually glad to hear my feed back, and informed me that in the future he would offer pain medication to patients who would be undertaking the procedure, that way they wouldn't have as much discomfort as I did.

He then proceeded to ask me if they had told me anything about how the procedure went. I then shared with him that they had only told me I had a unicornuate uterus, and one attached fallopian tube. He then asked the nurse to google a term that was in the report, and I proceeded to share all of the information that I had researched. He had this look of shock on his face, that I had done so much research. He then, told me, everything I knew, was what he knew. My fallopian tube can catch eggs, it's very possible for it to still do so. He also told me that many women get pregnant with one fallopian tube all the time. The only thing that came into question was the size of my uterus.

We meet with our fertility specialist on Thursday, who has more experience with things like this, and he will be able to tell us if my uterus is a factor. I know we would most likely be high risk, and that I would not carry to full-term. But as long as we are able to have babies and they can get to us healthy, and strong. I will take them no matter what.

Our regular doctor was pleased with the results, and glad that I was feeling so positive about things. He shared that we would keep doing whatever was necessary in order to help us accomplish a pregnancy, we just want the feed back from the other doctor, with the go ahead to keep doing what we are doing.

I am eager for the next step, I am so excited. I know it sounds weird, but I have so much comfort in my life right now. If we don't get pregnant after this round of clomid, that's fine, we will still be taking a break, and we will do things. I will lose the weight, make love with my husband without thinking about tilting my hips, or counting days. We will take adventures, make some memories, and just love being with each other.. Lol Jon doesn't read this blog, and I think he might be a little embarrassed if he knew I told they world we were going to make love. But I don't care, I love this guy. We are gonna make beautiful babies together. Eventually.

Thank you everyone for all of the support you have been giving us, and keeping us in your prayers. We wouldn't have made it this far without the support of everyone around us cheering us on.

thank you for hearing me

That's all I can manage to think, and or say, when those in my life, don't know what to say when I talk about my infertility. I've realized that sometimes I can make people uncomfortable, and that sometimes I can be a little insensitive to those I inter act with on a daily bases, and sometimes, there are people who just don't really know how to take me.

Take me this way, take me though I'm broken, take me though I'm often sad, and force a small across my face. Take me, because I am me. I am not fancy, and I don't shine. But, I still can love. I may be broken, but I am still whole, I am not an old sweater you've forgotten about that is hiding in the back of your closet. I'm standing here, on my soap box, in the middle of a crowd, but no one seems to see me.

I have feelings, I hurt, and I am human. I want to reach out to you, I want to lift you up, but is it to hard for once to just hold out your hand, and offer me a lift?

I'm not along in my battle, there are thousands of women, living with infertility, just like me. I bet you know one, I bet there is someone close to you, whom you have no idea they are just trying to live, and make it day to day..

Take a step outside yourself, look at life, look at the things happening around you, don't go through the motions, don't just get by, LIVE!

Be more kind, smile more, love more freely. Open your eyes to service, open your heart for opportunity.

I am learning, everyday to live more harmoniously with my infertility. I am not sweeping it under the rug, I would shout it from the roof top! That my infertility, and others infertility, it's not going away, we need help, support, love. We need to be heard.

I know one day I will be a mother one way or another. I have faith in this promise.