Thursday, April 19, 2012

less than a month

Yup, that is all that stands in the way of Jon and I signing that paper, and that is all the stands in the way of us being parents to this little girl forever.. I am so over whelmed by so many emotions.. I have been typing up our adoption story the past week, and typing those words onto my little lap top, bring up so many emotions. Reliving the horrible events that took place in November, up to the wonderful, stress releiving moment when I witnessed the birth mother signing the relinquishment papers.. There was a period of time I didn't think we would ever get here. I have tried on several occasions to ask my husband about when we are sealed to Izze, or when we get to bless her. Or how even discussing future vacation plans was a touchy subject.. How would we enjoy a vacation without our daugher? I have cried almost every day the past week.. sometimes out of hurt for the things we went through, other times for feeling so blessed and loved.. Thankfully the spirit has been a constant companion to me.

I have however had the good fortune of several months ago deciding to follow this amazing blog, and facebook page of one the most chique and funny, infertilie/adoptive momma.. that I have ever had the good fortune of reading. I'll call her Mrs. R.. Little did I know, that I would need to read her blog now more than ever. She and her husband recently went through an adoption scam, of being approached by a young lady, who alledgedly was interested in placing a babygirl with said couple. Later they found out, it was a facade, and a scam. Not only that.. This young lady has scammed as of last count 11 others.. :( As I read her blog yesterday, the words rang so true to me on so many different levels. Looking back in retro spective.. All I can think is that our birth mother scammed us too. Although there was a child, and we did bring her home, and eventually were able to successfully have her placed with us.. We know that the birth mother promised another couple the same thing, and who knows if there are more or not. I would like to talk more about our situation, but feel that it is best to wait till May when I can release our adoption story.. which will take place in a series of post.. It's a long story.

I have so many emotions running through me.. I wanna be mad, thinking about what she has done to our family, the hurt, the mistrust.. The fact that we will not be able to have a relationship with her, and we fear that Izze may suffer in the future.. Don't get me wrong, I forgive our birth mother M, I am sad for her. Sad, that she felt that in some way we were the right family, and how she lied to us so many times, and made us feel hopeful.. Only later to find the truth, and her to have no remorse.

I read Mrs. R's blog, and I got birth mother envy-if there is such a thing.. I also got adoptive parent envy of Mrs.R.. She is amazing, and does the most wonderful things every month for her birth mothers.. I want so badly to have a relationship like that with our birth mother, but I fear to allow myself to trust that she will not be completely honest with us in the future. I don't even want to take the risk, and have it come back to bite me in the rump-cheek.. so to speak. We love our birth mother for what she has given us. Our daughter is truly a blessing to our lives. I love watching her learn, and giggle, and play. I just think to myself, CAN SHE GET ANY CUTER?! It breaks my heart to know that things could have been different, that our birth mother felt the need to lie to us so many times, and to drag this process out. We wanted nothing more than to have a wonderful relationship with her, and enjoy an open adoption, that our daughter could truly feel the love around all her.

We are faced with many uncertain things for our future.. Will we try to fix our relationship with our birth mother M? Will Izze want to know her, meet her? How do we go about telling Izze of our experience? I am so grateful for one thing.. I grew up in a single parent home, where my mother played both roles on a constant basis.. My mother never once spoke poorly of my father-she felt it was not her place to make our break that relationship.. I respect my mother, and appreciate that lesson. We will never speak poorly of M, we will let Izze make the decisions on what she wishes to pursue in that matter. But, we will educate her, and prepare her for things she may discover along the way. I am not perfect, I know.. But, I love my daughter, and I want her to know that although her birth mother made poor decisions in her life.. She still loves Izze too. I have to constantly remind myself of this.. Especially on the days when I feel angry about what we went through.

I am so grateful for the support, and to find others have been down this same path, and to find words that I can relate to. I am more than looking forward to our sealing in the next few months. I love this amazing little girl. I love what adoption has done for our family.

Please feel free to read Mrs. R's wonderful blog. There is a lot of information there on adoption, both for adoptive families, and birth parents. She is amazing! Check it our HERE.