I'm paying you for what?

So, Jon and I got the "wonderful" opportunity to meet with yet another doctor today. Although this one was slightly different then the others, it wasn't any less eventful.. Seriously it was the worst hour I have ever wasted at a doctors appointment, period. Well next to the terrible HSG procedure.

The only pain I was in today was trying to decided whether or not to stab my eyeballs out. We were 15 minds early. But the doctor didn't even come get us til 10 mins after our appointment was suppose to start, so we spent almost a half hour in the waiting room.

We get back to his office, give him the run down of things, like Jon's seamen analysis, and my hsg and the clomid results, and yada, yada, yada.. The doctor then turns around picks up a book, and starts looking through it. The fertility "specialist", had never even heard of a unicornuate uterus before, and even tried correcting me when I said it.. *rolls eyes*

He then proceeds to tell us, that his partner would have a better idea for what we would be able to do from this point. IVF, surrogacy, or adoption.. Oh and then the best part, he tells us that because he referred us, we can get the consultation from this other doctor for a discounted price.. So an over the phone consultation, with the "real" doctor in California, is only going to cost us a meer $225...

Look, why can't you just tell me, "Yeah, you can totally carry a baby in that small uterus of yours". That's all I want to hear. Better yet, because I did the research I know that other women with my condition, can and do have healthy babies. I know I have risk, and I get that.. But seriously, I don't need a phone consultaion from a doctor, who I don't even get to see, to tell me what I should and or shouldn't do.

If in the end we get pregnant, and we are only able to have one child, then fine. I will love the crap out of that baby!!!

It wasn't any help. Needless to say we are very frustrated, and at this point are just so stinkin' tired of doctors visits. We will be taking a break after this cycle, and now we just need to find another doctor who is willing to give me drugs to help with ovulating..

Chapter 2 of HSG test...

Wow, that's all I can say.. I was talking to my friend earlier this evening, and I expressed to her, that knowing more about my fertility was like a breath of fresh air, after holding my lungs for so long.

We had our follow-up appointment today, I was way anxious to hear what the doctor had to say about everything, and nervous that they were going to tell me more than I wanted to hear.

But, he came into the room, and started asking how it went. I shared with him, that the pain was terrible, they should do more to offer comfort to their patients, and that the doctor who performed the test was an out right jerk! He was actually glad to hear my feed back, and informed me that in the future he would offer pain medication to patients who would be undertaking the procedure, that way they wouldn't have as much discomfort as I did.

He then proceeded to ask me if they had told me anything about how the procedure went. I then shared with him that they had only told me I had a unicornuate uterus, and one attached fallopian tube. He then asked the nurse to google a term that was in the report, and I proceeded to share all of the information that I had researched. He had this look of shock on his face, that I had done so much research. He then, told me, everything I knew, was what he knew. My fallopian tube can catch eggs, it's very possible for it to still do so. He also told me that many women get pregnant with one fallopian tube all the time. The only thing that came into question was the size of my uterus.

We meet with our fertility specialist on Thursday, who has more experience with things like this, and he will be able to tell us if my uterus is a factor. I know we would most likely be high risk, and that I would not carry to full-term. But as long as we are able to have babies and they can get to us healthy, and strong. I will take them no matter what.

Our regular doctor was pleased with the results, and glad that I was feeling so positive about things. He shared that we would keep doing whatever was necessary in order to help us accomplish a pregnancy, we just want the feed back from the other doctor, with the go ahead to keep doing what we are doing.

I am eager for the next step, I am so excited. I know it sounds weird, but I have so much comfort in my life right now. If we don't get pregnant after this round of clomid, that's fine, we will still be taking a break, and we will do things. I will lose the weight, make love with my husband without thinking about tilting my hips, or counting days. We will take adventures, make some memories, and just love being with each other.. Lol Jon doesn't read this blog, and I think he might be a little embarrassed if he knew I told they world we were going to make love. But I don't care, I love this guy. We are gonna make beautiful babies together. Eventually.

Thank you everyone for all of the support you have been giving us, and keeping us in your prayers. We wouldn't have made it this far without the support of everyone around us cheering us on.

thank you for hearing me

That's all I can manage to think, and or say, when those in my life, don't know what to say when I talk about my infertility. I've realized that sometimes I can make people uncomfortable, and that sometimes I can be a little insensitive to those I inter act with on a daily bases, and sometimes, there are people who just don't really know how to take me.

Take me this way, take me though I'm broken, take me though I'm often sad, and force a small across my face. Take me, because I am me. I am not fancy, and I don't shine. But, I still can love. I may be broken, but I am still whole, I am not an old sweater you've forgotten about that is hiding in the back of your closet. I'm standing here, on my soap box, in the middle of a crowd, but no one seems to see me.

I have feelings, I hurt, and I am human. I want to reach out to you, I want to lift you up, but is it to hard for once to just hold out your hand, and offer me a lift?

I'm not along in my battle, there are thousands of women, living with infertility, just like me. I bet you know one, I bet there is someone close to you, whom you have no idea they are just trying to live, and make it day to day..

Take a step outside yourself, look at life, look at the things happening around you, don't go through the motions, don't just get by, LIVE!

Be more kind, smile more, love more freely. Open your eyes to service, open your heart for opportunity.

I am learning, everyday to live more harmoniously with my infertility. I am not sweeping it under the rug, I would shout it from the roof top! That my infertility, and others infertility, it's not going away, we need help, support, love. We need to be heard.

I know one day I will be a mother one way or another. I have faith in this promise.

Chapter 1 of HSG test..

So, I spent the entire weekend being nervous for the procedure, in fact I was so worked up, I managed to make myself sick..

So this morning, after I had tossed and turned all night. I got up, and Jon and I got ready, we headed out the door, and we were sitting in the waiting room by 9:40 this morning. Our appointment was at 10 and they asked we arrive early, which in doing so, they took us back early, had me change into a a gown, and some scrubs. That way I wasn't walking around all exposed, and thankfully they let me keep my undershirt, and bra on, under the gown.. Yikes..

This is me, before the procedure, little did I know, this feeling would not last..


They laid me down, and put my legs up, and moved this huge machine over my body.. I have a small pelvis, and the needless to say I have always hated exam's just because the whole business of getting my va'jayjay to work, doesn't always go over very well.

From the beginning of the procedure, it was terrible. I was in pain because of the speculum, which had to be twisted so the doctor could get to my cervix. Then, he inserted the catheter in, and filled the balloon, is what he called it. Oh man, I was terribly uncomfortable at this point. Then he proceeded to inject the dye. I won't lie, it sucked. Who ever said it was a walk in the park to have an hsg, was LYING! Well, at least for me, it was terrible. But, I have a feeling there is a reason...

So, the doctor, was studying the screen, and blurted out "how fascinating" two things. 1. Who says that to a patient during something like this, and 2. What the 'H' does that mean? Then between the x-ray tech, and the doctor, and the nurse. Everyone started whispering, and saying things I didn't really understand, and then the next thing I knew, the catheter had been removed, and the doctor was leaving the room, to see how my previous ultrasounds had gone.

At this point, tears streaming down my face, I looked at Jon, as I could tell panic was painted clearly across both of our faces. It took forever for the doctor to come back, and he walked in the room, and stated that my ultra sounds had said nothing about it. He then proceeded to tell me, what had caused the frenzy..

I have what's called a unicornuate uterus, a what? a unicornuate uterus. Yeah try saying that five times fast.. Only later after coming home would I discover that this condition only affect 1 in 4000 women, and that is basically means, I have half a uterus, and only one attached fallopian tube. The doctor was kind of a jerk, and brief on the information.

We also discovered, that the one fallopian tube that was connected, the fallopian tube stretches all the way up by my liver, and my ovary is hanging out there too. But that doesn't affect anything, so that was good news, and the tube was not blocked, I don't know about being damaged or not, the doctor didn't really say anything. But I figured had there been a problem he would have said something. He was more amused by the uterus..

I cried the whole way home, half from the pain, and half from what we had been told. I hadn't been told terrible things, but it was great.. I bled pretty bad after the procedure, and am still cramping as I type this. It's kind of strange actually because I can feel how my uterus and my tube are exactly feeling great right now, and it goes to my right hip and then up my right side. So we know, that my business is all to the right. Which we already knew I had a tilted uterus, so that wasn't new news.

I got home, and got straight to work on researching my condition, but since it's so rare, there wasn't a lot of information on it. But I did feel better after reading my findings. Women with my condition can and do have children, they don't always carry to full term, but can. Babies are generally smaller, it's believed that is caused by the confined space they have during developing. Some women, spend a good portion of their pregnancy on bed rest, and these women also have a higher chance for c-section. Most cases I read, the women had delivered via c-section.

So, like I said, it's not great, but it's not bad. I have an appointment next week, to get the actually results, next week. I am anxious to hear what he has to say, and what our chances are of conception. I am thinking conception is achievable, it's just more of the waiting game, and more prayers. I feel good thought, they performed the test twice, and the first time I didn't see the fallopian tube that clearly, and the second time I could see it great. So even if there was something there, it's not anymore. So that right there could have improved our chances.

We have an appointment this Friday to meet with our fertility specialist, and then my appointment with my regular physician is on Monday, and we will get the results from him.. Oh the joys of endless doctors appointments..

My recent trip to the doctors...

Well as wonderful, and excited as I was that the clomid, finally helped me ovulate, I am sad to say we did not get pregnant this cycle... :( But that is okay, because this morning things started to look a little brighter.

I went to the doctors office, as it is suppose to happen, so the doctor can check for cysts and make sure everything is okay. I was excited to tell him that I had indeed ovulated, and that I should be either getting my period soon, or be pregnant. Well, when I went into the bathroom to get my urine sample. I was spotting. So that right there was enough to say that this cycle wasn't successful.

So we sat down with the doctor, and we decided to ask some questions, like if I needed a blood draw to check my FSH levels. This would tell us if my eggs were good quality, and if I had any. But since I ovulated, we don't need that test. Then I asked him about getting an HSG, or a Hysterosalpingogram... Yeah try saying that word five times, fast.

The doctor kind puzzled asked why I think I would need that done, and I started to tell him what I had told my previous doctors.. But this time it was different because of his reaction kinda caught me off guard.

I shared with him, that when I was 18 months old that I got really sick with a viral and bacterial infection that when it escaped my body it left, right at my pubic bone, and left a moon shaped scare right above my labia major, and since he was performing a vaginal exam to check for cysts he took a gander at it.

He said "now that's interesting" and quickly turned to the nurse and said lets get her HSG scheduled, and when the nurse asked for the reasoning, he said for history of pelvic infection..

I didn't really listen to those words when he said them. But after we had left the doctors office, I kept hearing the words play over and over again in my head. I had never thought of it like that. Meerly because no other doctor had ever approached my history in such a way. Also due to the fact that infertility has not been an issue since now..

As I drove, I was thinking about the event that will take place in just a few days, how I would find out very shortly whether or not my fallopian tubes are blocked, if they are, then this could fix it. Or if they will tell us that I am damaged beyond repair. Then the healing process can begin.

I exited the freeway, and as I sat at the red light, it hit me. I have been spending the past few years thinking that the reason I wasn't conceiving was because I had done something wrong, that the Lord was punishing me because of something I did. But, because my illness took place when I was 18 months old, there was nothing I could have done to avoid it other wise.

It was kind of a huge relief, and a weight seemed to be lifted off my shoulders. I could breath again, and for once, I cried in joy over infertility. I have faith that what ever the problem is, it can be fixed. That through my faith, and the blessings I receive the Lord will not allow me to go through this life childless. Whether it's my own means or through the blessing of adoption. I will be a mother. I am so close to this promise, I can taste it.

Monday will be here soon, and I will have a ton of new knowledge in less than a week.
It's amazing to see how far we have come, and I am excited, and eager for the next steps we need to take.

I know that there is a small chance there may be something wrong, and I am fully prepared to hear the words that I am dreading most, it doesn't mean I would be sad, it just means that I will have closure on something that I have struggled with for a long time. I am excited to finally come up for air to be able to breath again.

Join Our Support Group

We are having another infertility support group this month! We are super excited and eager, considering this is our second meeting, and hopefully it will be lots more information, and a lot more going on! Hope you can make it!

Copy and paste the link below, and register! If you have any questions please feel free to ask!

http://www.ldsinfertility.org/forums/

I had to share!

I have this friend on Facebook, whom I actually met through a fertility forum, and I have loved getting to know her. She has just recently found out that she is pregnant, so it's kinda neat because she post the most amazing things sometimes. The best part, is she has the same parenting style that I do, and so in general I love her.

This evening when I got on Facebook, I noticed she had posted a video, I don't usually watch them since I think most of them are boring. But I couldn't resist merely because there was a baby in the freeze frame. So I watched it... Needless to say, it is now my all time favorite youtube video ever!

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gbke1GHsejQ&feature=player_embedded

copy and paste this link!

Still counting days...

So here I am on cycle day 30, feeling a little anxious. Since I ovulated late in my cycle I am not expecting a period til this week, if she bothers to show at all.. I would really like the second part to happen. But only if it meant I were pregnant. I know that even if my period did start, then it means my body knows how to be normal.

It's hard thinking that in a few days my life could really change. Also please note, if I did end up pregnant, I would totally play it off as if I weren't just til we get out of the danger zone. Don't take it personal just want to make sure it's real before I start telling the whole world.

A lot is going on in the next week. My sister's missionary comes home next Monday, I have my doctors appointment on Tuesday, and I am re-enrolling in school... Oh wow. I just totally had a Deja vu moment. It was realyly kinda weird. I hope that's a good sign.

As for now, I am not really feeling anything, I have some pretty sore breast, and feeling a little bloated.. But other than that I feel pretty good!!

Here's to the next coming week, and good things happening!