Tuesday, September 7, 2010

My recent trip to the doctors...

Well as wonderful, and excited as I was that the clomid, finally helped me ovulate, I am sad to say we did not get pregnant this cycle... :( But that is okay, because this morning things started to look a little brighter.

I went to the doctors office, as it is suppose to happen, so the doctor can check for cysts and make sure everything is okay. I was excited to tell him that I had indeed ovulated, and that I should be either getting my period soon, or be pregnant. Well, when I went into the bathroom to get my urine sample. I was spotting. So that right there was enough to say that this cycle wasn't successful.

So we sat down with the doctor, and we decided to ask some questions, like if I needed a blood draw to check my FSH levels. This would tell us if my eggs were good quality, and if I had any. But since I ovulated, we don't need that test. Then I asked him about getting an HSG, or a Hysterosalpingogram... Yeah try saying that word five times, fast.

The doctor kind puzzled asked why I think I would need that done, and I started to tell him what I had told my previous doctors.. But this time it was different because of his reaction kinda caught me off guard.

I shared with him, that when I was 18 months old that I got really sick with a viral and bacterial infection that when it escaped my body it left, right at my pubic bone, and left a moon shaped scare right above my labia major, and since he was performing a vaginal exam to check for cysts he took a gander at it.

He said "now that's interesting" and quickly turned to the nurse and said lets get her HSG scheduled, and when the nurse asked for the reasoning, he said for history of pelvic infection..

I didn't really listen to those words when he said them. But after we had left the doctors office, I kept hearing the words play over and over again in my head. I had never thought of it like that. Meerly because no other doctor had ever approached my history in such a way. Also due to the fact that infertility has not been an issue since now..

As I drove, I was thinking about the event that will take place in just a few days, how I would find out very shortly whether or not my fallopian tubes are blocked, if they are, then this could fix it. Or if they will tell us that I am damaged beyond repair. Then the healing process can begin.

I exited the freeway, and as I sat at the red light, it hit me. I have been spending the past few years thinking that the reason I wasn't conceiving was because I had done something wrong, that the Lord was punishing me because of something I did. But, because my illness took place when I was 18 months old, there was nothing I could have done to avoid it other wise.

It was kind of a huge relief, and a weight seemed to be lifted off my shoulders. I could breath again, and for once, I cried in joy over infertility. I have faith that what ever the problem is, it can be fixed. That through my faith, and the blessings I receive the Lord will not allow me to go through this life childless. Whether it's my own means or through the blessing of adoption. I will be a mother. I am so close to this promise, I can taste it.

Monday will be here soon, and I will have a ton of new knowledge in less than a week.
It's amazing to see how far we have come, and I am excited, and eager for the next steps we need to take.

I know that there is a small chance there may be something wrong, and I am fully prepared to hear the words that I am dreading most, it doesn't mean I would be sad, it just means that I will have closure on something that I have struggled with for a long time. I am excited to finally come up for air to be able to breath again.