How do you?

How do you keep fighting, when all of your energy is gone? How do you see through all the clouds, and the never ending rain?

I seriously don't even know what to say, what to think.. I can feel this thick sheet over whelming my life, I don't know if I can try anymore..

I agreed to do one more cycle of clomid, but after that, I don't think I am willing to fight. I've lost my will, and my heart can't take much more.

I don't think I ovulated, my period is almost a week late, several confirmed NEGATIVE hpt, including a urine test at my clinic, and my body hates me.

that being said, pretty sure, I hate my body...

Raising the White Flag on the Clomid...

So Counting days, I am on cd 26, with a couple of used HPT, I am thinking I am NOT pregnant... *sigh* which only comes with more great disappointment, and a few other grains of salt to rub in my wounds. In the past two days, I have found out that one of my girlfriends is pregnant, she is not sure how far along she is, but non the less, she is.. I have another girlfriend who just recently started trying, at the end of May, I text her yesterday morning, and asked her if she had tested, since she had been further along in her cycle, and her tww, was well over, I got a "yep!" reply, followed by a pic... She got a BFP....

A great feeling of conflict came to me, where on one hand I was beyond THRILLED for my friend, since it had taken some time to even convince her husband to start trying for a family. But, on the other hand, I was pushed that much further towards, my bottomless pit of depression... I was standing on the edge looking in.

I spent the majority of my day, curled up on the couch, my face once again puffy, and red. I was at a point where all I wanted was someone to hold me, so I sent an email to my mother, hoping for words of comfort, in my time of need.. What I got was not something I expected. My mother, expressed how much she loved me, no matter what, even if I was broken, and I never had children, I still meant something to her. She then went on to tell me that perhaps I would never have my own children, and that adoption may be the only choice we have. I felt even more betrayed, I thought mothers were suppose to give unconditional love, and support? Although, I've always known my mother to be a negative-ninny. I felt at that moment, I truly wanted to prove her wrong.

Jon took me for a drive, and bought me a cola, and spent a great deal of the evening listening to him talk, since I was a little down in the mouth.

Later my friend Brittany came over, whom I have a ton of respect for her, especially considering that I would have never had met Brittany had I not attending the infertility support group. Truly a blessing, and something that I can be grateful for. Talking with someone about my issues, who truly understands what I am going through, was so rewarding, and a lot LESS depressing.

I am about to call this first round of Clomid, my opponent close to being crowned the winner. I have a bigger bucket of strength for the pending second cycle, and I truly believe the Clomid will EVENTUALLY work. Which is an improvement of emotions, since we started the Clomid process.

Here is looking toward to future, and the next couple of months.

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to..

I had one of those days.. You know, the kind where you want to get upset over the simplest matters, just so you can yell about something... Yeah, I have one of those days. I had been feeling a little down, and depression was starting to show it's ugly face, and I kept running the "What ifs" through my head. I kept trying to put these thoughts out of my mind, and not willing to acknowledge the fact that I was feeling so down.

Jon and I got in an argument about the dishes, and then Jon brought up how I seemed to be acting funny, and that I seemed depressed. I of course, told him to finish the dishes, and I shouted as I stormed towards the bedroom, I would finish dinner when I felt like it. I then went and laid on our bed for a few minutes, and got up and striped the bed, and started folding laundry.. I didn't want to admit that the infertility was making me depressed, and I really didn't want to admit this to my husband..

Jon came in a few short minutes later, to apologize and to talk.. this is where I burst into tears, and told him I felt worthless, and that my body was retarded and I wasn't any good, due to the fact that I couldn't do something as simple as making a baby!

We sat on the floor, for a good hour, me crying, and Jon attempting to comfort me. I expressed that I didn't know if I had enough faith to believe that getting pregnant could actually happen for us. I know, it's foolish, and I should probably have my hand slapped for thinking such thoughts.

Jon reassured me that he believed, and that I shouldn't beat myself up so much. But, why stop if that's the only thing I seem to be good at?

So we sat some more, and I cried... some more.. Then Jon offered to give me a blessing, that the clomid would work, and that I would find comfort. I can honestly say it is moments like this where I am so grateful for the priesthood. After wards, we sat some more, then Jon told me he loved me, and after a few more minutes of last minute crying. I composed myself and made dinner.

So now a few hours later, I have puffy eyes, and a better feeling about things.. I am not sure really what lies ahead, I don't know if I will even get pregnant. I just know that I am at peace at the moment. What exactly that is, I am not sure. I just wish I knew that it would EVENTUALLY happen. That I really could get pregnant, and we weren't playing the guessing game.

I hope the clomid is worth it, the hot flashes, and the mood swings.. I just want to know that I can be normal like everyone else, and that I can be a mommy too.

Waita minute Mr. Postman!

I am so excited! I won my second bid on Ebay, and I would like to announce that I am the proud owner of a Clearblue easy fertility monitor!!! YEAH!!! Don't worry, it's never been opened and it came with the plastic wrap still on it!

It came a couple of weeks ago, but not in time for me to use it this cycle. Which I will find out next week if the Clomid worked or not, and if I even have to use it!

Wouldn't that be the best thing ever, if I didn't have to use my fertility monitor, and the clomid worked! I freakin hope so!

So here I am just a few days shy of Dooms Day a.k.a. Aunt Flows pending arrival, and I would greatly much appreciate it if she would not show her ugly mug. Is it to late to send her a postcard. "Wish you were here...NOT"

I will keep you updated, as for now I am crossing my fingers!

to bring a dream to life....

I want this blog posting to be different. To the women who suffer in silence, with broken hearts, from difficulty conceiving, or having been able to conceive and miscarried.



To ALL of my friends who have had their life's changed, even if for a brief moment. I love you and care about you. I am so sorry that the sorrow, and burden you are carrying is one that I cannot fully relate.

I keep you in my prayers, and are mindful of your sorrows. I'm here if you ever need me.

Pick up foot, insert to mouth

So this is my opk from today. The one on the bottom, with the apparently darker line. Because of my PCOS, I get darker faint lines then other women. But, I can honestly say this is the darkest line I have ever gotten. I think it's time to do some BD-ing!!!

Oh honey cakes where are you??

Pending Worry

I have noticed over the past couple of days that I don't really feel like I am going to ovulate.. I noticed on the last day of Clomid that I was cramping really really bad, and I could feel the 'O' pain in both of my ovaries. Later that evening I even had break through bleeding, which I contributed to the 'O' process.

The thing about this is, that would have been way to soon for me to ovulate... isn't it? I mean I finished the Clomid on day 8 of my cycle.. I shouldn't ovulate til about tomorrow or so.. Which would be day 14 or so my cycle. I guess I am really confused. Between the OPK's and all my symptoms I don't think I am ovulating right now. Perhaps my body is just really responsive to the Clomid, and it worked right away..

Oh well, at least Jon and I BD every other day thus far, I hope that results in a pregnancy, or else I don't think I ovulated, and they will increase my Clomid Dosage.. Not looking forward to this.

On another note, I am starting to feel a little guilty. The gal, whom I told you about her blogging, and announcing her pregnancy. She just blogged that she is experiencing a threatened misscarriage. I feel a little bad, only because I was wishing it was me. I couldn't even imagine... *sigh* even having a misscarriage at this point would be comforting, it would mean that my tubes aren't blocked, and I really can get pregnant.

I think I am a little sick, and twisted...