less than a month

Yup, that is all that stands in the way of Jon and I signing that paper, and that is all the stands in the way of us being parents to this little girl forever.. I am so over whelmed by so many emotions.. I have been typing up our adoption story the past week, and typing those words onto my little lap top, bring up so many emotions. Reliving the horrible events that took place in November, up to the wonderful, stress releiving moment when I witnessed the birth mother signing the relinquishment papers.. There was a period of time I didn't think we would ever get here. I have tried on several occasions to ask my husband about when we are sealed to Izze, or when we get to bless her. Or how even discussing future vacation plans was a touchy subject.. How would we enjoy a vacation without our daugher? I have cried almost every day the past week.. sometimes out of hurt for the things we went through, other times for feeling so blessed and loved.. Thankfully the spirit has been a constant companion to me.

I have however had the good fortune of several months ago deciding to follow this amazing blog, and facebook page of one the most chique and funny, infertilie/adoptive momma.. that I have ever had the good fortune of reading. I'll call her Mrs. R.. Little did I know, that I would need to read her blog now more than ever. She and her husband recently went through an adoption scam, of being approached by a young lady, who alledgedly was interested in placing a babygirl with said couple. Later they found out, it was a facade, and a scam. Not only that.. This young lady has scammed as of last count 11 others.. :( As I read her blog yesterday, the words rang so true to me on so many different levels. Looking back in retro spective.. All I can think is that our birth mother scammed us too. Although there was a child, and we did bring her home, and eventually were able to successfully have her placed with us.. We know that the birth mother promised another couple the same thing, and who knows if there are more or not. I would like to talk more about our situation, but feel that it is best to wait till May when I can release our adoption story.. which will take place in a series of post.. It's a long story.

I have so many emotions running through me.. I wanna be mad, thinking about what she has done to our family, the hurt, the mistrust.. The fact that we will not be able to have a relationship with her, and we fear that Izze may suffer in the future.. Don't get me wrong, I forgive our birth mother M, I am sad for her. Sad, that she felt that in some way we were the right family, and how she lied to us so many times, and made us feel hopeful.. Only later to find the truth, and her to have no remorse.

I read Mrs. R's blog, and I got birth mother envy-if there is such a thing.. I also got adoptive parent envy of Mrs.R.. She is amazing, and does the most wonderful things every month for her birth mothers.. I want so badly to have a relationship like that with our birth mother, but I fear to allow myself to trust that she will not be completely honest with us in the future. I don't even want to take the risk, and have it come back to bite me in the rump-cheek.. so to speak. We love our birth mother for what she has given us. Our daughter is truly a blessing to our lives. I love watching her learn, and giggle, and play. I just think to myself, CAN SHE GET ANY CUTER?! It breaks my heart to know that things could have been different, that our birth mother felt the need to lie to us so many times, and to drag this process out. We wanted nothing more than to have a wonderful relationship with her, and enjoy an open adoption, that our daughter could truly feel the love around all her.

We are faced with many uncertain things for our future.. Will we try to fix our relationship with our birth mother M? Will Izze want to know her, meet her? How do we go about telling Izze of our experience? I am so grateful for one thing.. I grew up in a single parent home, where my mother played both roles on a constant basis.. My mother never once spoke poorly of my father-she felt it was not her place to make our break that relationship.. I respect my mother, and appreciate that lesson. We will never speak poorly of M, we will let Izze make the decisions on what she wishes to pursue in that matter. But, we will educate her, and prepare her for things she may discover along the way. I am not perfect, I know.. But, I love my daughter, and I want her to know that although her birth mother made poor decisions in her life.. She still loves Izze too. I have to constantly remind myself of this.. Especially on the days when I feel angry about what we went through.

I am so grateful for the support, and to find others have been down this same path, and to find words that I can relate to. I am more than looking forward to our sealing in the next few months. I love this amazing little girl. I love what adoption has done for our family.

Please feel free to read Mrs. R's wonderful blog. There is a lot of information there on adoption, both for adoptive families, and birth parents. She is amazing! Check it our HERE.

temple blessings

*WARNING* This is a post dedicated to my religion- the LDS faith. Here within are personal views, pictures, and other personally important items regarding the LDS church. If you do not agree with and or appose these beliefs I would ask that you not read it, and would also ask that any negative comments be kept to your self. Thank you.



I recently had a reader bring to my attention that they knew little of the mormon faith, and that more information would be appreciated.. I guess that was bad on my part to assume that the moajority of my readers were either LDS or at least familar with the LDS faith.. So, for those of you who are interested, here is my post on my faith, Mormonism.

I was born in 1987, (don't worry this will probably be a long post, but I will try to make it as interesting as possible..) As I was saying, 1987. My parents had been married over 7 years at this point and had already given birth to 4 children, although only 2 were living. My mother was raised Catholic, and my father was raised LDS. My mother would tell me years later, when she and my father married that she had told him in the beginning she refused to convert to the Mormon church.. less than 6 years after marrying him she would be baptized into the faith, and a year later they would go through the San Diego Temple..

My mother later discribed her experience to me, sharing that she was convinced she had joined a cult.. Alright, probably not the best statement to share. Since a lot of people already believe we are in fact a cult.. But, it's the truth. Not the cult part, but how my mother felt. It was more of confusion, and not that she was scared. But, as the years have passed and my mother has been able to return to the temple, these feelings have become that of faith, and love.

The purpose of the temple, is to seal on earth as in heaven. Marriages take place here, baptism for the dead takes place here, and those entering the temple can enter after being proved worthy, to receive their endowments so that they may obtain the blessings and promises set forth by the Lord so that we may return to heaven.

Although, returning to live in the precense of our Savior is not restricted to attending the temple.. It insures you receive those blessing you have been promised.

The purpose of the temple is for us to go and be close to the Lord. Our own little heaven on earth. We go to make and keep sacred covenants, and to receive powerful blessings. It is the one place I can go and feel complete peace, and feel even closer to the Lord, that perhaps he might hear my prayers better.. Although that last statement is just a personal feeling, the Lord can hear your prayers regardless of where you are. The temple plays an essential role in our lives, in God's plan and in our eternal happiness.

Almost 3 years ago, I attended the temple with my husband. With our close family and friends, we entered into the sealing room. We knelt across the altar, and took one anothers hand. We were then sealed for time and eternity.

   

                   

Now, if we were normal people.. lol, if my body would do normal things. If we were to have our own biological children, our children would be born under the covenant. Meaning they would already be fortunate enough to receive some of the blessing of the temple, because they were already part of an eternal family. However, Izze is not our biological child, but that doesn't matter. Because in a few short months we will go back to the temple.. We will kneel across the altar from one another, and take each others hand once more, and then Izze will be placed on the altar next to us. We will then be sealed as an eternal family. What is bound on earth is also in heaven.

This is truly such an amazing experience. The temple blessings are real, and I can testify of the love I feel every time I enter. Either for myself, or to do the work for those that are deceased. It is an amazing place. I would implore that anyone who has never been to find a temple open house near you, and walk through before the temple is dedicated. It is not a secret what takes place in the temple.. but because what takes place is sacred..

If you wish to learn more about the LDS church you can do so HERE.

Anticipation..

We have less than a month before we go before a judge and sign the papers.. Less than a month till the state of Utah will recognize Jon and I as Izze's parents- Legally!! It will be legit! This feeling that I have in my heart, will be perminant, and on paper!! Is it sad that, I am already planning her 'gotcha' party, and I am already planning her blessing day, her birthday, and the day we intend to be sealed to her...

Every time I picture Jon and I kneeling across the alter from one another, and them bringing Izze to us, I get a little choked up.. I know when that day comes, I will be a mess. Thank goodness I have already invested in waterproof mascara..

I have had so many plans sitting on the back burner for so long, that I can hardly believe that they will soon be put into motion. The fabric I have waiting to sewn into her blessing/sealing dress. that I have been hiding in a drawer out of fear of it being a wasted purchase.. I can finally sit down to put some thread through it, and complete my vision.. My little girl will be walking by then. No tiny infant to swaddle in dad's arms as he blesses her.. But, it doesn't matter. Regardless of how old she is, in the end we will be an eternal family.

And yes, that will be on paper too. To everyone I have seemed to ignored these past few months.. I apologize. I haven't been the best friend that I could be, and I have slacked in a lot of places. But, forgive me, there were things on my mind, burdens on my shoulders, and now I am free of the shackles that bound my wrist, and my heart.

I love this new journey that we are about to start. I know I am Izze's momma in my heart, and now it feels all brand new again, because I can look at her and say. I AM your momma, FOREVER!!! I love this little girl, and I love how complete she makes our family. I cannot imagine my life without her. I love how much my husband loves her, and what a wonderful father he is. I know in the beginning he was so scared of messing something up. He is the youngest of 3 boys and had no experience when it came to babies. But, I promised him that Izze was too young to know the difference.. that and she didn't really have anything to compare his parenting style to.. lol. He would roll his eye, and then I would reassure him, his mother and I would be there the entire time to hold his hand. He has done better than I think he ever anticipated, and I am pretty sure he has no idea how much I enjoy watching him love, and teach our little girl, and how every time my heart swells with love.

Again thank you everyone for your support, and above all I wish to share my love and gratitude for the Lord and his hand that he played in our journey along the way. I have been humbled, and blessed, and my testimony has grown with the things I have witnessed and experienced.

With eager hearts and goals in site.. I am eager to share the next few months with you, and to bring you up to date in May. Thank you for your patience.

I can breath....

As many of you already know... It finally happened!!!!! No, I'm not pregnant... But we do have some good news in regards to our daughter... Our birth mother finally relinquished her rights. The battle is over we no longer have to fight. Sigh... Relief. We will be looking to finalize our adoption by May.. Then in July we will finally take our sweet baby girl to the temple and we will be sealed for eternity as a family... I cannot believe we are that close. It has been a long hard journey filled with so many ups and downs.. I will finally be able to blog about our amazing story starting in May so look for those post. Thank you for the support the love and the never ending prayers. We love each and everyone of you and are thrilled to be abke to share this news with you. Thank you again.

My biggest fear...

Gulp...

Needles..

That's right.. I hate them.. I mean if you have been reading my blog thus far, you should know from the numerous blood draws and what not... I loath it... I swear, my veins roll even just thinking about it. I have a set of the worst veins ever to boot. Due to several poo iv's put in whie I was a baby, that distroyed my arms veins... they are so small. When I went to donate plasma... the guy laughed at me-true story.

I have a point to this I promise.. Today, I faced me fear.. or well, more so called upon my big girls panties once again.

I went and did my first round of acupuncture for my infertility...

I'll me honest, I was so nervous, I am pretty sure my feet were sweating. I know, gross. But, I was super nervous, cut a girl some slack.. Upon arriving the acupuncturist-Will call him Dan, cause that's his name. He had me fill out a form, I had to say if I was experiencing any pain.. Beside my caffine headache, I can't really conci... wait what was I saying..

Oh, and then he took me back into a room, asked me to remove my flip flops, and roll up my pants.. Just FYI, I did warn him, in advance that my legs were pasty, dry, and probably lacking from being shaven in like 3 days.. I laid down, and then he started swabbing my forehead my hands and parts of my legs, and my feet with a cotton ball.. I figured it was part of the ritual of acupuncture, I didn't wanna questions since it was my first time. I shortly realized it had rubbing alcohol on it, and it was for the needles.. I am not firing on all cylinders today folks!

First off, if someone ever tells you it's painless. They are liars! The first needle he stuck in my fore head, that was painful.. The good news is the following needles didn't hurt, and infact I thought he was just poking my legs, and as quickly as he was done, he told me to relax, sleep, whatever I wanted and he would be back shortly. Oh side note- having ADD, and being told to relax/meditate.. not happening. After almost forty mins, he came in checked on me.. this was the cool part-he flicked the needles in my legs. It was the coolest sensation ever!! In fact after he told me a few more minutes and left the room, I sat up and did it a couple of times myself.

All in all it was a good experience. I am anxious to see how the next few weeks pan out, and I would highly recommend acupuncture to anyone!!

Alright, now for the pictures. ignore the white flesh, you may wanna put on sun glasses.. Thank goodness for poor quality photos with cell phones so you can't see the hair on my legs.. :)

I promise there is one on my forehead.. the few people I sent this pic to didn't notice it at first... Ignore the strange look, I was trying not to make a lot of facial movements..

and just for kicks and giggles because this is all I could think about during the whole thing!!

ah, I work-out

Alright, it's Monday, beginning of the week... I know. Everyone dislikes Mondays, but today. This Monday... is gonna be a good day for me. Well and for the hubs as well. We started a new diet.. EEEK!!!

Alright, now that is out of my system.. I hate diets, I'll be honest, it's a lot more work to be skinny.. lol, or those who work at it, and keep the weight off.. you're me hero, you make it look so easy! I know, you are probably scolding me as you sit there and read this, so I will shut up, and just say kudo's you earned it..

To the res to of us, who genetics have not been so kind to us.. I have constantly battled being over weight my entire life.. as long as I can remember. Even in sixth grade I was, or well I thought I was fat and gross-thank you pubirty...

I look back now, and see the photos from when I was 12 and think, wow.. You looked great... I wish someone would have told me how beautiful I looked then.

Now, I am 24 and have lots to love.. everywhere on me.. But, I decided it was time to really change that.. I have this theory. If I can't be fat, and pregnant.. I might as well be skinny/healthy and infertile. I earned that much. Plus, it would be nice to be able to walk into any freakin' store and see something cute, and know that I will fit in it.

So, this is how this is gonna work.. My inlaws recently did/are still currently doing. This awesome diet. The best part is, no guessing. Grocery shopping list, for the whole week we will eat the same thing every day.. and now for some people they might think 'I couldn't eat the same thing every day'. Well, that's the genius of the system... because you eat the same thing every day, you get to make all the bulk things Sunday- Rice, chicken etc... dish it out.. put it in the fridge. Ready for the whole week.. GENIUS!

So for the next 12 weeks, I am gonna eat, and work it like no other.. I am gonna lose 30 lbs by the end of June!! Gulp.. I can do this...right?

I started my morning out with this tastey banana shake.. with oats. Yummy! I aslo have an egg burrito with salsa.. :)

So far.. so good. I figure if I can get through the first week, I can do this! Wish me luck.. Maybe at the end of 12 weeks I will post my before and after photos!! Which lets pray there is a difference in 12 weeks 'cause the before photos are just gross...

 Okay wish me luck.. Happy Monday everyone!

Oh and if you're wondering, the diet plan is called ' Live the Life' You can check them out HERE.



That was amazing..

This Weekend was General Conference... for those of you that are LDS, this comes as no surprise, but for those of you who are not, I will give ya a quick run down... All the Mormons, either attend the conference in person, in Salt Lake City, Utah.. Or they watch from home. Millions of people world wide tune in every 6 months to enjoy uplifting talks, and messages provided from our leaders. It was just what I needed today. Really. I can't remember the last time I watched all 4 sessions, really watched, and listened.. and felt the spirit. It was fantastic.


Out of all the things I watched, and heard today... This is the one thing that just made me cry. The spirit was so over whelming. Everyone could benefit from watching this video..

That being said, I moved forward with my day feeling good about things, and once again.. Facebook called my name... I answered.. I know bad on a Sunday and everything.. Story of my life.

But, today.. I think it had a good turn out. I follow several little infertility groups and what not, and I referred to an adorable blog, Called 'The Happiest Sad' You can read about this wonderful BirthMom HERE.

It is probably the most moving blog I have ever had the good fortune of reading. Perhaps mainly because I wish with all my heart, that our BirthMom could have been this wonderful, that things hadn't gone down the road they did... Reading this womans blog makes me love her. I may never meet her, but I love her. I could never imagine the fear, loss, and over whelming strength it would take to place your baby for adoption...

I know, I may never even have my own children, but I will know the joy of parenthood, through adoption.

Alright, putting down the tissue and walking away from the computer.. *sniff sniff*