reality... or something like it.

I spent this past Friday helping my mother with a classroom party at my little brothers school. Since it's Christmas time, we decided to kick Christmas vacation off with a bang.

During our little party, we did a craft, the kids got to make ornaments. Super cute, and the kids seemed to enjoy them. But, while they were putting them together I was up at the front of the class room, cutting some papers for my mom, I over heard a group of little 6th grade girls talking.

I only heard a few quick lines, but it was enough for me to drop my jaw, and ask "really?" The one little girl I heard, proudly shouted, " Well, when I have a baby, I am going to name her..." and then she was drowned out by the yelling and screaming of the other children.

Now, I know that girls have a stronger desire towards parenting, but really, does it start that soon? and honestly all I could think was, yeah that's what you think now, til you grow up and you find out your uterus isn't any good...

Man talk about being the Scrooge of fertility. I am even considering bashing the dreams of a 12 year old.

But let's face it, as another Christmas comes to an end, and the months continue to move by, I am growing accept the idea, that perhaps I am not meant to cut it as a parent.. I honestly have this thought going over and over again in my head, attempting to convince myself that I don't really like kids. That perhaps I am just meant to adopt a few small dogs, love them, let them love me, and live my life.

I know, I know, not really the most motivational speech to oneself.. But I think I deserve to vent for a minute, and bitch just a little bit, about my bitterness. You spend so much time putting on a face for the world, being happy. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for those in my life that are given such a great opportunity to become parents, but lets face it, we are still a little bitter about the whole thing.

I won' ever get to know that feeling of my baby kicking me from the inside, I may never even get the feeling of holding my own child. But, at least at one point in my life, when I was 12 I still believed that I was going to be a mom. Heck, I may have even been that little girl in the my sixth grade class talking about what name to give my babies... That's the crappy part of reality, it smashes your dreams, faster than it took us to imagine them.

what I saw, what I've seen..

So, shortly after my last post, I had a dream. I dreamt that my husband and I had decided to adopt. In my dream I was very pleased about our decision, and excited for the new adventure.

In my dream, it played out quickly, but is still so vivid in my mind that if I close my eyes. I can see everything, and imagine how I was feeling at that moment. Shortly, after we made the decision to adopt, something happened. We were picked, and not just picked, I mean like it was fast. I wasn't even prepared for a baby, in my dream I was freaking out because I didn't have any diapers to even change the baby's bottom. A friend of mine, came with me and we picked up my new infant son, Erick.. I don't know how the name Erick came up, I have only ever known one, and that was from elementary school.

So, in my dream, I am buckling my baby into his cart seat in the back of my car, and we smiled at me. I could see his beautiful blue eyes, and his gorgeous smile. I even remember thinking "wow, everyone was right, they still end up looking like you". The next thing I knew we were driving around, and I was freaking oout, because the baby had a poopie diaper, and I didn't have diapers, and I kept thinking. I am a terrible mother, I don't even have anything to change his diaper with.

I woke up shortly after I turned around in my seat, to stare at his cart seat in the back of the car. I rememeber thinking, I love this baby, and it's gonna be okay..

I feel kind of foolish after having this dream. It's true the Lord really knows how to comfort. I needed this dream, no tiny whisper of hope was enough. I needed my own personal movie played out for me.

I am just glad it came when it did, a day after aunt flow graced me with her presence, and I was feeling a little down in the mouth. But, I awoke that morning feeling more peace, and hope about my infertility, than I have in a long time.

fear, and rationalizing...

Today, I am afraid.. I am afraid that my biggest fear, may soon be realized. That the length span I have allowed between waiting and adopting will quickly dissolve, and two years will have instantly passed, and I am facing adoption. I am not so much afraid of adopting, I am just afraid of everything involved. Like waiting, or not being choosen, or being choosen and then later deciding not. But, I am also afraid that I won't be able to love an adopted child as much as, my biological children, or that the child could not love me back.

I know these are things, that many people will try to push from my mind, or bring me some sort of comfort, but for right now, and I am sure for a while. I am afraid, afraid of never being a mother, by my own means, or by adoption. My greatest fear, is never being a mother...

Spoonful of humble?

I have been avoiding blogging for a while now, mainly because I have felt a little down in the mouth. Not just about the whole infertility thing, but also just another series of events taking place in our life right now. I am still currently now working, and am feeling the strain from Jon working almost every night, and sleeping every day. It has also come to my attention that my resentment towards others, mainly the cute little round women that I see every where... Thank you Utah!

I have started to feel that little bug climb back on my shoulder, and start begging for attention. Don't worry, unlike before, I am actually acknowledging this little disturbance. Thankfully, I have some wonderful friends, and other bloggers who ironically were all blogging about the same thing recently. I was kinda of caught off guard when I was catching up on my reading, due to the lack of blogging the past couple of weeks.

The theme that echoed through all of the blogs, was merely recognizing that God sends us trials, and that everything happens for a reason, and I need to have faith that everything will work out the way it's suppose to.

It was what I needed to read, I needed to be reminded, that I need to have patience, and I need to retain my strength, in the event that I have to potentially face the fact that we may end up adopting. That is fine, I am comfortable with our decision to wait, and then adopt. I just need to find the strength to endure.

I know this is probably a lot of rambling, but it's something that I needed to acknowledge and hopefully those individuals who blogs I read, will read this and know I appreciate their words.

Cycle 3 done, now what?

So, we aren't pregnant. Once again it's back to the drawing board. But, this time it's different cause, we put the drawing board away... I raised my little white flag, and now we are sitting here facing the next few months thinking, "what do we do now?"

I was happy to find out that after we told the doctor we wanted to take a break, and we asked if, and when we were ready to come back and start trying again, if he would prescribe us more clomid. Of course by this point in the conversation, I was already crying, and wanting to crawl into a hole, so when he responded that he would be pleased to do whatever he could, we were thrilled.

It's kind of nice to know that we have people behind us supporting us during our infertility journey. It's hard to feel alone, and sometimes forgotten. When the rest of the world is still moving forward, and having babies, and expanding families, it's hard to sit on the side, and keep a smile on your face. I am just glad that I finally get to do something different for once, perhaps take up a yoga class, or painting. I don't know, at least something that I can have some fun with, and no babies are involved.

Don't get me wrong, I love babies, they are drawn to me, we were just sitting in TGIF, waiting for our table, and this little boy about 13 months old, was standing on the bench next to me. Since I am so short, he was eye level with me, and I think he rather enjoyed this. He leaned over as far as he could while his dad was trying to hang onto him, and tapped me on my shoulder to get my attention. I turned and he had this huge grin across his face. I loved it! It became a game, and he did it a couple of more time til his father pulled him away, cause I am a creepy stranger like that.

I know I won't be able to stop blogging, because I know I am going to have days where the women at the grocery store who is barely 18 and has 2 kids and is clearly pregnant again, will more than likely piss me off, and I will need a place to vent. Ugh, here is to hoping that in 6 months, I can lose some weight, learn some yoga, and have some much needed fun with my husband!!!

This Nurse is an idiot

So, we went to our appointment, as scheduled.. We were ten minutes early, and anxious to get it done and over with. We waited for nearly 15 mins, the nurses are in charge of checking to see if they have any charts, and this stupid nurse failed to check. People who came in after us, to see the other doctor, were walked back into their rooms within 5 mins of getting there... HELLO??

We finally get back there, and she ask us what we were there to see the doctor for? Well obviously to follow up on the clomid, and to talk about the appointment, we had with the "specialist". She gave us this deer in the head lights look, and asked again, so you want to talk to the doctor about the appointment?.... Um.... Yes...

I then explained that we are intending to post pone any more cycles of clomid, and go on a break. She typed a few more sentences on the screen.. Then replied, and asked why we wanted to take a break? Is that really any of you business? I then shared that we wanted to live stress free for the next few months, not tracking anything, or planning when to make love. We wanted to just do something with our selves over the next little while...

She stood up, and with a half hearted smile on, said "Well I guess you don't need an exam today if you aren't going to do another cycle, but lets get a urine test to make sure" No, I don't think you understand, it's a little to early to test in my cycle. This shut her up, and she then proceeded to tell me then doctor would make the decision.. But she returned only to say the doctor said I didn't need to test!

Ha, stupid nurse... I hate this nurse, we get her seriously almost every time we go in, and she is just dumber than a door nail. Ugh, lucky the nurse our Doctor brings into the room with him, is awesome, and witty, so it makes up for the crappy service we receive before they enter the room.

We are still in limbo, and waiting for the last of this cycle to finish up, and we can finally begin to think about different things. Instead of a baby, I will be thinking about which apartment is better, or I will be thinking about what I want to do when I am finished with school next May... Oh the choices to make.

Hope you are as excited as I am, I know that making the decision to keep my blog going is a hard one, and I have not yet decided on this.. I guess if I keep it going, I need to do a blog make over, and make it look a little more awesome!

Tap out!

So, we are nearing the end of our third cycle of clomid, my what a ride this has been. We have gone through so much in the past 3 months, let alone the past year. I can't believe that we could finally be a cross point, where I finally get to live a "normal" life. Not having to worry about counting days, and whether or not aunt flow is coming.

We find out this week if we are pregnant or not, and considering we haven't deviated from the pattern yet, I am betting we are yet once again, not pregnant. This being said, it comes at a moment of relief, of no more doctors visits, no more test, or taking pills, or being asked a million questions... I am just looking forward to relaxing, enjoying life. Perhaps plan a vacation, or move out of my in-laws. Not that I don't love them, I just think perhaps we should grow up. At least, sooner or later.

It's kinda sad to see this chapter end, but I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be healthy, and I want to work on myself. I want to prepare my body to potentially one day carry a baby.. I want to know that I have lowered my risk of miscarriage, or gestational diabetes, or preclampsia<< if that's how you spell that.

We find out more on our appointment on Wednesday, this is our regular doctor, you know, not the nut case who is the "specialist". It'll be weird to tell him to not fill my clomid prescription again... kind of disheartening... But I guess when you think infertility all the time, it feels like you are giving up, even if you have said it a million times. We are only taking a break. I hope I don't give into temptations, and I don't feel the urge to test if I am ovulating, so on and so forth.

Ugh, Wish me luck!! I guess pending the results of next week, we could be going on vacation with this blog... sigh.. that is even more depressing..