3rd annual Infertility Awareness

I won't lie.. I am super excited about this event.. I have never attended, but I am going this year a long with my good friend M, and hopefully my little sis. It is an amazing event from what I hear, and read. People really find the support, and comfort that only comes from talking to someone who has "been there". Or as one blogger put it-It's fantasitc to be with your species... It's so true. Most fertile people look at me awkardly when they start talking about thier pregnancies, and then I chime in, oh yea.. Well, I used ovulation kits, pillows under my butt, clomid, and painful test... only discover that my body is broke... Wanna talk about my dead dog now?

No?

My bad- any way, back to the event. If you live in Utah, I hope that you take advantage of this opportunity, and really awesome once you find there are others, every one deserves a voice, no one chooses to be infertile..

You can check out more information HERE You can check out the line up for the speakers, and I hope to see you there..

PS. If you happen to go, and you see me... don't be like the creepy stalker lady at the hospital.. you know who you are!! lol. I am a nice person and it won't weird me out that you know my name,  or my whole life story.. promise.

Emergency Room Extravagenza

So, against my better judement.. I decided to go to the doctors yesterday.. Why you might ask? Well, I was under the impression that I cyst rupture, I was in a lot of pain, and really couldn't handle it any longer.. So off we went. We started at the insta care, cause lets face it. I hate the ER. Upon arriving at the insta care, we were told that they couldn't hep us because they didn't have an ultra sound machine, and it wouldn't do me any good to be seen by them... So, load back up in the car, cry because the thought of driving over ever curb and pot hole makes you cringe, and head over to the hospital.

Which, let me tell you.. My husband and I had already been having a bad day. You know the kind of day where you get poor customer service everywhere you go, people ar rude to you, and everyone seems to be driving the same speed, RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER!! So, that you cannot pass them. Yeah, it was already a bad day, spending the rest of my Saturday in the ER was not high on my list. We got there were only 2 other people in front of us.. So checking in, and getting my blood pressure and temp taken were relatively quick. Then, we were told that they were in the middle of cleaning rooms, and someone would come out and get us in just a min. Which we sat and waited for 30 min till someone came and got us. Upon which, 2 children came in with fevers. One little 18 month old came in wih a bump and cut on her fore head. One teenage boy came in for stiches, one little 12 year old came with a broken wrist-which we heard them setting like and hour later and the screams were so awful I made my husband shut the door to my room so I couldn't hear him.. It just broke my heart. Needless to say, the ER is a hopin' place on a Saturday night.

We got back to our room, the nurse asked me to put on a gown and undress from the waist up.. I asked twice to make sure I had heard right, since it sounded like a strange request.. Later I found out, that it wasn't needed.. The doctor came up, poked at me for a bit, and then decided to have some blood work done, an IV put in some pain meds given, and an ultra sound. So, 30 mins later, one painful IV inserted, and I'm being wheeled into the ultra sound room. Mind you at this point we thought it was going to take a lot longer so my husband decided to run an errand, so I had to go sit through an ultrasound all by myself.


 

Following the ultrasound and finding nothing to be concerned.. no cyst.. and obviously no pregnancy...:( Is it sad that the only ultra sounds that I have gotten in my life thu far have never involved a pregnancy.

After the ultrasound showed nothing, I then got a cat scan. Which they ordered after they started to suspect that it may be appendisitis. Oh just FYI, the medicine they inject to your iv during the scan, it really makes you feel like you've pee'd your pants. Oh, and you know who have a bad spine if the ER doctor brings it up and that isn't even the reason you came in...

This is me after a round of pain killers, and more poking and proding... I am glad you can't tell how badly I had been crying..

Well... I am glad to tel you that after hours and hours of laying around taking test, peeing cups, and what not... They discovered... absolutely nothing... They couldn't find what was wrong.. So, I called them this morning, and no one called me back so.. 5 hours later I finally called her back, and thankfully they answered... They weren't able to get me in today, which sucks cause my side is still killing me, and I hadn't eaten all day since I figured that is what they would need. The only opening they had was for tomorrow afternoon, so I get to spend the day starving waiting for a test that is going to take 2 hours... wonderful. All I know is I deserve a good dinner after that! Ugh. Alright, I need to go back to bed, I'll keep you posted on the test.. Oh and also to follow in the next couple of weeks my appointment with the Orthopethic Doctor about my spine that's messed up! :)

gettin' down with my bad self!

Those are the words I say when I ever I happen to make my white-girl-self, pretend to "back it up".. Or better known as my happy dance.. If you have been fortunate to witness my happy dance... I'm sorry. Wait, what?

No, but really. I have been happy dancing the past couple of days for a few reasons. The following is a list of said reasons...

1. I wanted to make a list today, and this is how I achieved my goal.
2. I can tell my Metformin is working.
3. I took an ovulation test, cause I got it in the mail, and I was anxious to see why my period of was late-which I am aware that you don't take an ov test to check for pregnancy... I was secretly hoping I was ovulating... Ovualtion test came up negative. See test below.

   4. I FINALLY started my period!!

I know which is super strange for me to even consider being excited about starting my period, usually I am curled up in the fetal position, with a box of tissues.. Or attempted not to float away from being so dang bloated.. But, alas. It happened. Lets talk about this for a moment, so I can prove to you that I am not crazy...

If you remember.. my obgyn is trying to get me pregnant.. assist my husband and myself to get knocked up.. Well, the things take time for the infertile people such as myself, and thus the need to my cycle to start, so that we can start keeping track of all the gross things that are needed to be looked after in order to insure ovulation is taking place.. Well a few days ago My husband and I started taking my BBT, ugh... at 5:30 every morning when my husband gets up to go work out... Thank goodness we started when we did or we would have missed day one.

So, now that my cycle has started, the metformin is in my system... Now, lets go back to the ov test. I wanna explain why I am so excited about it being negative... not only was it negative, it was COMPLETELY negative! Before you go saying 'DUH!' let me just tell you how much of a big deal this is for someone with PCOS... I cannot remember. EVER. In all my attempting to conceive years have I had an ov test this negative, usually the test line is still a little faded and that comes from the small levels of  LH-which is what the ov test detect- that are always in my body, thus making it hard for my body to ovulate regularly on it's own.. that means.. my body is being normal.. for once-Knock on wood.

This is great news to me as we start this journey once again. I feel more motivation, and I feel way more in-tune to my body, especially since we started doing the bbt, and I keep track of my cervical postitioning, and cervical mucus.. I told you, gross things that need to take place..

Alright, I am done with my rambling, I am gonna go pop a midol, and curl up with a heating pad! 

Help us make a stand

Alright folks, I am calling on everyone to help with this. They are trying to pass a bill to mandate that states cover for testing and infertility treatments. We are far from reaching our goal of the needed signatures in order for this bill to move forward!! Please follow this link HERE. Tell your friends, your family, everyone who will listen.

You may not need this coverage, but thousands and thousands of individuals are suffering with infertility, and many will never find peace, or joy of being a parent even through adoption. You're helping dreams come true.

Please, blog this, post it on Facebook, email everyone. Help us make a stand, if not for you, for the person in your life who is suffering in silence, help give us a voice!!

Thank you for all of the support and love.

birth control..

If you're wondering why on earth would an infertile talk about birth control on her blog... Well lets face it.. I haven't used birth control since highschool, to regulate my cycles... When I got married I throw out my little pink case, and said good bye to anything that would prevent me from conceiving.. 2 marriages later, and years of research, heart ache, and zero pregnancies... Birth control might be the only answer. Lately with my irregular cycle, I was starting to fear that the only solution would be birth control.. I finally made an appointment last week, and this morning I met with my nurse practictioner-Kelli Parker. Basically the coolest lady ever!

We went over the whole irregular cycle issue, and the fact that I had been into the hospital to get a pregnancy test, and all that good stuff. I then told her the words I had been treading to udder... gulp. Birth control.. Ugh. I almost whispered it. Like I was back in 7th grade and struggling to say the word sex.. without giggling. But, I swallowed the words as quickly as the left my lips.

-Rational moment- the words birth countrol, were quickly followed by the resonable person insdie me.. We have been trying for almost 3 years to get pregnant, what is a few months sacrificed to help my body.. Yeah, think what you will.. It made me feel a lot better.

Thankfully, Kelli listened to my plight, and recommended a course of action over the next 5-6 months to help me get knocked up. Starting with my Metformin, then if that doesn't regulate my cycles, birth control.. But, if my cycle does better with the Metformin, I can go in for a progesterone test, to see if I am ovulating on my own.. If I am not.. Ugh.. then a couple of rounds of clomid... If helps then I get to include a progesterone v.suppository.. You know a whole list of special procedure to help conception  and the possibility of sustaining said pregnancy...

This is the part that terrifies me... We have been here before.. But, this time, it's different. We have a different practitioner, someone who is more than willing to help us, and is sensitive to our situation. Which is reasurring... But, at the same time.. I am so scared.. I am scared of getting my hopes up, I am scared of failure.. and most of all I am scared of falling back into the dark place.. the place where my infertility took me the first time.. The nights I cried and carried on to my best friend B.. or the number of cycles of clomid I did and watched while everyone else got pregnant and I sat on the sidelines.. I would give anything to skip these next coming months. To be somebody else, and to not live that pain.. It likes be willing to jump off a cliff, only to land on the spears that are pointed up toward you... You know you're gonna die, that it will hurt. But for some reason you do it because this time it might work.. So, you don't give up. Because this could be it.

Here is to months of trying, to babydust, and lots of luck.. I only hope this time the Lord hears our prayers and we are blessed with more children.

She poked me!

First of all, I just have to share in the past two days I have had 3 different people compliment me for a few different things, and it has seriously made me feel amazing. Espeically after recent events in my life. Also, sorry this is kind of a long post..

Recently I been experiencing some irregular bleeding, and pain so I decided to give my obgyn, on the urging of my good friend B. Upon calling and bleeding my case to the nurse, and expressing my concern of a potential ectopic pregnancy, especially since I only gots the one tube-wouldn't that just be my luck that I get pregnant and the little champ decides to take a pit stop and start growing in my fallopian tube. Seesh!

Anyway, the nurse requested that I promptly go over to the hospital and have my blood drawn so they could get the results back right away.Ugh... fine...

I run over, spend 25 mins waiting for registration and then waiting to have my blood drawn. The lady of course only take two mins to draw my blood... Have I told you how much I freakin' hate having my blood drawn. I hate needles, and I am not good at it. I revert to a child, and half wanting to throw myself on the ground and have a good tempertantrum! But alas-deep breath- big girl panties...
I forget about it for a few hours, and decide it's time to call the doctors office and get the results... Of course I have to wait for the nurse to call me back.. I have pray inside that she doesn't call... sigh.. five minutes later.

"Hi this is the nurse from *** obgyn, we have your results back" yes... "The results were negative.. if nothing changes with your bleeding please call us back next week" Alright... thank you..

Alright, first of all.. I knew it was gonna be negative.. But, like always I fell back into infertility trap, and believed that for a moment it might be possible... This is like the worst thing ever.. it's like telling a kid you're going to get him a bike, take him to the store, have him pick it out, buy it, take it home, and throw it in the garbage!

Really that's what it's like every time my period is a day late, or the times I decide to take a pregnancy test, and while I am waiting for the time to end so I can stare at my big fat negative... I get lost for just a moment in my own thoughts and start thinking of  the names I will have choosen out, or how holding my baby for the first time will be amazing... and then it's negative, and those thoughts are once again pushed to the back of my mind.

It's hard, I'll be honest, this part sucks. I hate feeling in limbo on whether or not I will ever be a mother, but I will say, that yesterday at wal-mart a woman and her daughter stopped me to make baby faces at Iz. Of course Iz was all smiles, and the lady asked if she was always this happy. I responded and told her yes, and that considering how she started her life withdrawling, and spending a lot of time crying and screaming, her being happy now, is wonderful. This woman looked at me, and told me thank you. She thanked me for being willing to love a child with such hardships, and giving her a better life.. Yes, I got choked up. I had never once thought of it like that, I had only ever thought of it like that. I just knew that I loved Iz the first time I laid eyes on her, and I knew that she was mine regardless of how she got here.

It's that right there that makes this all worth it. I love that little girl, and I know that the other children we will be blessed with, I will love just as much.. I just hate not having any control, or insight to this aspect of my life.

Thank you to those individuals who have sent me messages, and to those who have left comments, I cannot begin to tell you how much they help me. I will keep you posted on the whole doctor follow-up I am calling tomorrow to set up an appointment for Monday.. We will see.