Wednesday, March 7, 2012

She poked me!

First of all, I just have to share in the past two days I have had 3 different people compliment me for a few different things, and it has seriously made me feel amazing. Espeically after recent events in my life. Also, sorry this is kind of a long post..

Recently I been experiencing some irregular bleeding, and pain so I decided to give my obgyn, on the urging of my good friend B. Upon calling and bleeding my case to the nurse, and expressing my concern of a potential ectopic pregnancy, especially since I only gots the one tube-wouldn't that just be my luck that I get pregnant and the little champ decides to take a pit stop and start growing in my fallopian tube. Seesh!

Anyway, the nurse requested that I promptly go over to the hospital and have my blood drawn so they could get the results back right away.Ugh... fine...

I run over, spend 25 mins waiting for registration and then waiting to have my blood drawn. The lady of course only take two mins to draw my blood... Have I told you how much I freakin' hate having my blood drawn. I hate needles, and I am not good at it. I revert to a child, and half wanting to throw myself on the ground and have a good tempertantrum! But alas-deep breath- big girl panties...
I forget about it for a few hours, and decide it's time to call the doctors office and get the results... Of course I have to wait for the nurse to call me back.. I have pray inside that she doesn't call... sigh.. five minutes later.

"Hi this is the nurse from *** obgyn, we have your results back" yes... "The results were negative.. if nothing changes with your bleeding please call us back next week" Alright... thank you..

Alright, first of all.. I knew it was gonna be negative.. But, like always I fell back into infertility trap, and believed that for a moment it might be possible... This is like the worst thing ever.. it's like telling a kid you're going to get him a bike, take him to the store, have him pick it out, buy it, take it home, and throw it in the garbage!

Really that's what it's like every time my period is a day late, or the times I decide to take a pregnancy test, and while I am waiting for the time to end so I can stare at my big fat negative... I get lost for just a moment in my own thoughts and start thinking of  the names I will have choosen out, or how holding my baby for the first time will be amazing... and then it's negative, and those thoughts are once again pushed to the back of my mind.

It's hard, I'll be honest, this part sucks. I hate feeling in limbo on whether or not I will ever be a mother, but I will say, that yesterday at wal-mart a woman and her daughter stopped me to make baby faces at Iz. Of course Iz was all smiles, and the lady asked if she was always this happy. I responded and told her yes, and that considering how she started her life withdrawling, and spending a lot of time crying and screaming, her being happy now, is wonderful. This woman looked at me, and told me thank you. She thanked me for being willing to love a child with such hardships, and giving her a better life.. Yes, I got choked up. I had never once thought of it like that, I had only ever thought of it like that. I just knew that I loved Iz the first time I laid eyes on her, and I knew that she was mine regardless of how she got here.

It's that right there that makes this all worth it. I love that little girl, and I know that the other children we will be blessed with, I will love just as much.. I just hate not having any control, or insight to this aspect of my life.

Thank you to those individuals who have sent me messages, and to those who have left comments, I cannot begin to tell you how much they help me. I will keep you posted on the whole doctor follow-up I am calling tomorrow to set up an appointment for Monday.. We will see.