Thursday, February 28, 2013
Mia
I know.. I know.. I am ashamed.. I haven't blogged in months.. Things are taking place in my life that I don't necessarily wanna share at the moment. However, please note that I will be starting a new blog, as this chapter of my life will be closing temporarily. Please be patient as I get it up and running. I will let you know all the juicy details as soon as I am capable! Love you all!! Thank you for the support!!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Ova-October
Just Well, I thought my title was catchy enough. We are now 8 days into October, and since my last post I can now provide a few updates.. yeah! I can proudly say I started this cycle all by myself. Following my post on cd 34 I started without the assistance of Progesterone. The cramps were not as bad, and I was just grateful that my body did something! I spent the first portion of my cycle, coming unglued.
I called my Dr's office the morning after starting my cycle, to inform them I needed my next round of clomid, and the progesterone suppository we had had previously talked about. I then spent the majority of the day in bed, as working graves has been sleeping all day. However I woke up around 5, and good thing I did, cause my Dr's office called me back..
"Hello?"
"Is this Sarah?"
"Yes."
"Sarah, I spoke with K.P. and she told me that she cannot prescribe the 150mg of clomid to you as she had originally agreed to do.."
"WHAT?!"
"I'm am so sorry, you might be able to call tomorrow, and see if you can get in to see one of the doctors before cd 3, other than that, there isn't much we can do.."
"So you're saying, I just have to take the 100mg, and hope it works?! We are basically walking into October just wasting a cycle!"
This is when I started crying, and the nurse began to ramble. I was so mad, and I seriously dragged myself around the rest of the night, just devastated. I had 2 days to try to get in to see one of the doctors, or it was going to be a wasted cycle. I tell you what, the next morning I jumped outta bed so fast and was on the phone by 8:05.. I wasn't messin' around. By 9.. so much for being up early.. I finally decided to leave a message as they had not even turned on their phones. By 10:30, when no one called back, I called them. This time the receptionist answered, I gave her the low down, and as much as I could be on my knees over the phone, begged her to find an appointment for me. She asked if I would hold, so she could go talk to K.P., and one of the doctors. longest 5 mins of my life. She finally gets back on the phone, and declares that the doctors will make an exception this one time-PHEW!!- but the want to see me later this month. I can do that! Just give the crazy lady her pills!
After that mayhem, I then had the worst time getting my progesterone suppository from the pharmacy, as it needed to be compounded. I am not gonna say which pharmacy it was, but I can tell you this much. I am never go back to the place. It was awful! And I got the run around, and ended up paying more than what I wanted to, or even should have.. *Shakes fist*
It was like everything was working against this month. between the doctors office, the pharmacy, I didn't think I was even gonna get a chance to take the stupid clomid! Isn't it enough that I am infertile? Do we really have to make it that much harder?
Anyway, we are now at cd 14 into my cycle, and I can happily say I have officially Ovulated.
So, this line isn't super impressive.. the camera didn't do it justice. But, Between the cervical mucus, and my cervix positioning, I think it's a safe bet. But cd 21 blood draw will be the deciding factor.. Here is hoping right?
As for the now sugar thing. It's going great! I have lost 12 lbs since I have started.. It was 14, but I had a little bit too much of the carbs variety the other days. So, I gotta do better about that. But, I feel really motivated to stick to this, and be healthy.. I can't wait!
Alright, I'll let ya get back to whatever you were doing, and I am gonna sit here, and twiddle my thumbs in my two week wait. Wish me luck!
I called my Dr's office the morning after starting my cycle, to inform them I needed my next round of clomid, and the progesterone suppository we had had previously talked about. I then spent the majority of the day in bed, as working graves has been sleeping all day. However I woke up around 5, and good thing I did, cause my Dr's office called me back..
"Hello?"
"Is this Sarah?"
"Yes."
"Sarah, I spoke with K.P. and she told me that she cannot prescribe the 150mg of clomid to you as she had originally agreed to do.."
"WHAT?!"
"I'm am so sorry, you might be able to call tomorrow, and see if you can get in to see one of the doctors before cd 3, other than that, there isn't much we can do.."
"So you're saying, I just have to take the 100mg, and hope it works?! We are basically walking into October just wasting a cycle!"
This is when I started crying, and the nurse began to ramble. I was so mad, and I seriously dragged myself around the rest of the night, just devastated. I had 2 days to try to get in to see one of the doctors, or it was going to be a wasted cycle. I tell you what, the next morning I jumped outta bed so fast and was on the phone by 8:05.. I wasn't messin' around. By 9.. so much for being up early.. I finally decided to leave a message as they had not even turned on their phones. By 10:30, when no one called back, I called them. This time the receptionist answered, I gave her the low down, and as much as I could be on my knees over the phone, begged her to find an appointment for me. She asked if I would hold, so she could go talk to K.P., and one of the doctors. longest 5 mins of my life. She finally gets back on the phone, and declares that the doctors will make an exception this one time-PHEW!!- but the want to see me later this month. I can do that! Just give the crazy lady her pills!
After that mayhem, I then had the worst time getting my progesterone suppository from the pharmacy, as it needed to be compounded. I am not gonna say which pharmacy it was, but I can tell you this much. I am never go back to the place. It was awful! And I got the run around, and ended up paying more than what I wanted to, or even should have.. *Shakes fist*
It was like everything was working against this month. between the doctors office, the pharmacy, I didn't think I was even gonna get a chance to take the stupid clomid! Isn't it enough that I am infertile? Do we really have to make it that much harder?
Anyway, we are now at cd 14 into my cycle, and I can happily say I have officially Ovulated.
 |
| *THIS IS NOT A PREGNANCY TEST!!!! IT'S AN OVULATION TEST!!! * |
As for the now sugar thing. It's going great! I have lost 12 lbs since I have started.. It was 14, but I had a little bit too much of the carbs variety the other days. So, I gotta do better about that. But, I feel really motivated to stick to this, and be healthy.. I can't wait!
Alright, I'll let ya get back to whatever you were doing, and I am gonna sit here, and twiddle my thumbs in my two week wait. Wish me luck!
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Cd:32, and October plans..
Well as of two days ago, the pregnancy test was still negative.. I am pretty sure this cycle was another cycle my body is protesting getting pregnant. But, I wasn't expecting miracles. Well, I take that back.. the fact my body even got above a 1.0 on my progesterone blood draw, that is a miracle. I will tell you this.. I no longer trust opk's, my cervical mucus, or my cervix positioning.. really.. I feel like it changes every month.. And we tried the whole temping thing.. my husband wasn't very committed. lol. So, thank goodness for the blood draw, and then just being intimate every other day works for me. A lot less stress.. Alright coming back from my strayed conversation.
I plan on calling the dr office Monday, and asking for a progesterone suppository. I fear that with my progesterone being so low, that even if I did get pregnant my body would supply enough to sustain the pregnancy. So step one.
-Insure your body has enough progesterone all the time, to insure pain inducing death cramps..
Also, for the month of October, besides extensive hot flashes, and moods swing.. I have decided to stop eating bad sugar.. You know the kind from my coveted Diet Coke, *sniff* and my much needed grave yard shift energy drink *sniff, sniff*, and all the other really bad junk for your body. I have been doing a ton of reading, and I realized my body thrives off of bad sugars! It's true, I can be doing so well on a diet, and then my brain goes "Oh Brownie! You can have JUST one"-Fail. What most people fail to realize, like I was.. That brownie starts one nasty vicious cycle, and later on your body is craving it again.. So, I am gonna be committed. If you see me, and I happen to be holding a delicious maple bar donut, slap it outta my hand! So on to number two.
-Make sure you hate everyone by going through, caffine, and sugar withdrawals for the first week of clomid 150mg. -Great..
Sometimes I question my sanity. But, I now it's gonna be worth it. I have to change something.
Recently a few months back, maybe I told you.. I was diagnosed with Klippel-Feil Syndrome.. which you can read about HERE. I am pretty sure that this condition, along with my unicornuate uterus, play a role in one another existence. Basically, in a nutshell.. My spine is no bueno.. and I need to not be so dang fat, to improve my chances of being able to walk for the remainder of my life..Not to self: Don't go reading crap about syndrome during blog posting it just freaks ya out.
Alright, so here is to really changing how I eat, and getting knocked up in October.. I could totally handle another summer baby! Okay lover faces, hope this motivates you to eat less sugar. Or eat more, either way. I mean you could eat an extra cookie on my behalf, just saying..
I plan on calling the dr office Monday, and asking for a progesterone suppository. I fear that with my progesterone being so low, that even if I did get pregnant my body would supply enough to sustain the pregnancy. So step one.
-Insure your body has enough progesterone all the time, to insure pain inducing death cramps..
Also, for the month of October, besides extensive hot flashes, and moods swing.. I have decided to stop eating bad sugar.. You know the kind from my coveted Diet Coke, *sniff* and my much needed grave yard shift energy drink *sniff, sniff*, and all the other really bad junk for your body. I have been doing a ton of reading, and I realized my body thrives off of bad sugars! It's true, I can be doing so well on a diet, and then my brain goes "Oh Brownie! You can have JUST one"-Fail. What most people fail to realize, like I was.. That brownie starts one nasty vicious cycle, and later on your body is craving it again.. So, I am gonna be committed. If you see me, and I happen to be holding a delicious maple bar donut, slap it outta my hand! So on to number two.
-Make sure you hate everyone by going through, caffine, and sugar withdrawals for the first week of clomid 150mg. -Great..
Sometimes I question my sanity. But, I now it's gonna be worth it. I have to change something.
Recently a few months back, maybe I told you.. I was diagnosed with Klippel-Feil Syndrome.. which you can read about HERE. I am pretty sure that this condition, along with my unicornuate uterus, play a role in one another existence. Basically, in a nutshell.. My spine is no bueno.. and I need to not be so dang fat, to improve my chances of being able to walk for the remainder of my life..Not to self: Don't go reading crap about syndrome during blog posting it just freaks ya out.
Alright, so here is to really changing how I eat, and getting knocked up in October.. I could totally handle another summer baby! Okay lover faces, hope this motivates you to eat less sugar. Or eat more, either way. I mean you could eat an extra cookie on my behalf, just saying..
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
my summer in a nutshell
So, recently I have greatly avoided blogging about myself. Especially my infertility journey, mostly because my journey had more or less hit a bump in the road, and there were pieces laying strewn about the ground that desperately needed to be picked up, and I had no idea where to begin. As the dust has settled, and I am climbing back up to stand on my feet. I am anxious for this new journey. Especially since I now feel I am much more capable hands, compared to the last time we attempted anything in regards to our infertility.
Well the last time I left you with any details, we were just getting ready to do an un-medicated cycle. Which by the way, they drew my blood on cd:21.. my progesterone was a .2.. That's right. My body didn't even think about ovulating.. I only cried for a half hour. Put on my big girl panties.. waited 14 more days took a hpt to rule out a pregnancy-Waste of money. Then started progesterone.. which gives me the period from hell, including death cramps. The next cycle, so July. We started out with 50mg of clomid cd 3-5. Which, I wasn't anticipating any miracles with 50mg as I never even got a positive opk the last time I tried the 50mg.. but Kellie, wanted to start out slow.. STORY OF MY LIFE! Well.. cd:21.. progesterone. A whole whoppin' .8.. That's it.. my body barely nudged. I cried a bit longer that time.. waited another 14 days, took another hpt- more wasted money. Started progesterone, and my period promptly arrived the next day. Side Note: after informing the nurse of how quickly my period started after only one day of progesterone. She informed me, that means I was going to start on my own, and that the progesterone did absolutely nothing to help.. Okay so that was a little bit of good news.
Well, on to August, with 100mg of clomid. Have you noticed, both times I have taken clomid just happened to be in the two hottest months of the year.. I highly recommend you take clomid, or another other hot flash inducing medication during the winter.. So cd:21 rolled around on the 12th of Sept, so just about a week ago.. My progesterone.. drum roll please?! 5.6!!!!!! That's right! Not only did my body respond, it was a huge jump from the last month!! So, as my spidey Internet senses tell me... anything above a 5 on or around cd 21.. usually means you are currently ovulating.. Don't take my word for it, as almost every site I read on it, seemed to have a different answer. However, a late ovulation, is much better than no ovulation. Phew!
But, this explains so much! I really wish that I had made my previous doctor do blood work, instead of just assuming the 100mg was sufficient. We intend on doing another round or two of clomid bumping it up to 150mg next month. Which I am not thrilled about, but it makes me hopeful that we could potentially be successful on a higher dose. Although, at this point.. Lets be honest.. When you go this long trying to get pregnant, you laugh at the thought of it actually happening..
Alright, well I guess we wait and see what the next few days brings us.. hoping my cycle start all on it's own and I don't have to take the awful period inducing progesterone.. Alright, I am gettin' outta here, and goin' to watch my bestie deliver a baby! You should be jealous! Night ya'll
Well the last time I left you with any details, we were just getting ready to do an un-medicated cycle. Which by the way, they drew my blood on cd:21.. my progesterone was a .2.. That's right. My body didn't even think about ovulating.. I only cried for a half hour. Put on my big girl panties.. waited 14 more days took a hpt to rule out a pregnancy-Waste of money. Then started progesterone.. which gives me the period from hell, including death cramps. The next cycle, so July. We started out with 50mg of clomid cd 3-5. Which, I wasn't anticipating any miracles with 50mg as I never even got a positive opk the last time I tried the 50mg.. but Kellie, wanted to start out slow.. STORY OF MY LIFE! Well.. cd:21.. progesterone. A whole whoppin' .8.. That's it.. my body barely nudged. I cried a bit longer that time.. waited another 14 days, took another hpt- more wasted money. Started progesterone, and my period promptly arrived the next day. Side Note: after informing the nurse of how quickly my period started after only one day of progesterone. She informed me, that means I was going to start on my own, and that the progesterone did absolutely nothing to help.. Okay so that was a little bit of good news.
Well, on to August, with 100mg of clomid. Have you noticed, both times I have taken clomid just happened to be in the two hottest months of the year.. I highly recommend you take clomid, or another other hot flash inducing medication during the winter.. So cd:21 rolled around on the 12th of Sept, so just about a week ago.. My progesterone.. drum roll please?! 5.6!!!!!! That's right! Not only did my body respond, it was a huge jump from the last month!! So, as my spidey Internet senses tell me... anything above a 5 on or around cd 21.. usually means you are currently ovulating.. Don't take my word for it, as almost every site I read on it, seemed to have a different answer. However, a late ovulation, is much better than no ovulation. Phew!
But, this explains so much! I really wish that I had made my previous doctor do blood work, instead of just assuming the 100mg was sufficient. We intend on doing another round or two of clomid bumping it up to 150mg next month. Which I am not thrilled about, but it makes me hopeful that we could potentially be successful on a higher dose. Although, at this point.. Lets be honest.. When you go this long trying to get pregnant, you laugh at the thought of it actually happening..
Alright, well I guess we wait and see what the next few days brings us.. hoping my cycle start all on it's own and I don't have to take the awful period inducing progesterone.. Alright, I am gettin' outta here, and goin' to watch my bestie deliver a baby! You should be jealous! Night ya'll
Thursday, September 13, 2012
What to know, before you go!: infertility journey
Recently, I have been busy with a few things, especially regarding my infertility, and as I approach the near end of this year. I am confronted with the thought, I have been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years now.. 3 years of my life dedicated to getting knocked up, do you know how much sex that is?! Really I am sure that my husband isn't really complaining too much. But, we have hit a lot of bumps in the road, and I just know, that there are things that I wish I had known then, that I know now.. That could have saved me so much hassle.
I had a dear friend of mine, send me a message the other day, asking if I could give her some tips and suggestions as she and her husband start their process. That's when it dawned on me.. Everyone should know. I am pretty sure as your browse the Internet-FYI MOMENT: Most infertile are great at browsing the Internet. Seriously, I have some wicked skills. I know how to type in something just right to get the answer I am looking for. Any way, as I was saying. As you browse the Internet, you are bound to find a ton of suggestions and different ways to improve your journey, but this right here. This is a post with a great list, from different contributing infertiles such as myself.
1. Don't waste your time: True story, time is not always your friend. If you have been trying to conceive for a year or more without a pregnancy. GO GET CHECKED!!! If you are over 35 and have been trying for 6 months, GO GET CHECKED!!! Allowing more time, or thinking that you haven't given it enough time, is a recipe for more heart ache later on.
2. It is okay to grieve. Infertility is a real loss. It's a loss of your dreams, your wants for the future. When you hear those words your worlds come crashing in, and it is okay to scream, punch a pillow, and eat lots of ice cream.
3. Before you start with just any old physician.. Make sure you check their knowledge on infertility, if you have questions they can't answer, leave! I know not everyone is ready to jump into the Reproductive Doctors Office. So look into options. If you are seeking to just run some test, check your levels, or basic ultrasounds. A good OB can do that for you. They can even prescribe clomid- FYI MOMENT: If your Dr is willing to write you a prescription for clomid, but won't do a blood test to check for ovulation later in your cycle. NOT THE DR FOR YOU!!! I promise this will save you lots of time, and money if you can find an OB that is willing to do that. By the time you walk into an Re's office, you will have plenty of records and proof that you were running test, and hopefully have found out your issues, before you shell out the big bucks.
4. Research different ways of checking for ovulation, and for improving your chances of conception. Believe it or not, there are different things you can do. Ovulation Prediction Kits, Cervical Mucus, Temperature.. Timing sex just right, etc. Don't just assume that have sex will get you pregnant-Before you say anything, just having sex CAN get you pregnant, I mean thousands of people do it every year.. But you may need some more help..
5. Know the differences between a regular doctor, your OB, and an RE;Reproductive Endocrinologist. Just because your doctor has a medical degree from fancy college.. does not make him a specialist on infertility.
6. Know what kind of test SHOULD be performed in order to rule certain issues out. You can find info HERE and HERE. Remember knowledge is power, and lets face it. Some of the time, your will have more knowledge about your body, then your doctor.
7. Remember, it's okay to release your inner bitch! Becoming your own advocate will get you so far with infertility. Some doctors want to drag their feet.. Don't let them. Or find a different doctor. I wast 6 months with a doctor only to find out later, biggest waste of time and money!
8. Infertility is hard enough as it is, but if you can't become your own voice, and stand up for your needs. You will not be doing yourself any good. It is okay to be selfish in these time. If you need to skip a baby shower, or skipping out a family dinner cause your cousin is pregnant, again, for the 3rd time. Then do it. Your family, and your friends may not support you, and call you out on it. Who cares. You DESERVE HAPPINESS, and until you can cope with infertility, you are completely allowed to skip certain events.
9. Don't assume everyone will be compassionate about your pain. Some people might say they understand, or they are sorry. People will say THE DUMBEST things to you, assuming it will help. Let it roll off your back. There are support groups throughout the country, and support groups online. There will always be SOMEONE you understands. Don't be afraid to reach out.
10. Infertility takes a toll on everything.. Your marriage, your health, your relationships, your finances, It can at times become a complete obsession. Find different was of rekindling your romance, or different ways to celebrate small triumphs.
11. Having a baby, doesn't fix your sorrows and real pain of infertility. Adopting a baby, or conceiving one doesn't erase the pain you went through to get to that point. Your reality of infertility is just that, REALITY.
12. You can never do enough research. Seriously. Research EVERYTHING!!! The meds, the doctors, everything under the sun!! I have looked up countless things on the Internet attempting to gain some knowledge, and it has really helped. If you can't find it, don't be afraid to call you doctor, or find another infertile, and hit her up!
13. Always remember.. Infertility does not define you as a person. Although it has, and will create a huge impact on your life.. It doesn't mean you are that person. Break free from that mold. Become an advocate for infertility. It is a real disease, thousands and thousands of people are suffering from it. Don't be afraid to stand up and speak out. Someone else could be suffering in silence, and you could be their saving grace.
I wish I could hug you, and tell you that everything is going to be alright. But I can't make that promise. You are the maker of your life, and you can control the path you take. Knowledge is power. Don't lose hope, don't let infertility consume you. You are better than this, and some stupid condition isn't going to rule your life.
I hope this has helped. It was wonderful to be able to get some insight from the other ladies in my life that have, and or are in the same shoes as myself. Be brave in your journey, regardless of where it takes you.
I had a dear friend of mine, send me a message the other day, asking if I could give her some tips and suggestions as she and her husband start their process. That's when it dawned on me.. Everyone should know. I am pretty sure as your browse the Internet-FYI MOMENT: Most infertile are great at browsing the Internet. Seriously, I have some wicked skills. I know how to type in something just right to get the answer I am looking for. Any way, as I was saying. As you browse the Internet, you are bound to find a ton of suggestions and different ways to improve your journey, but this right here. This is a post with a great list, from different contributing infertiles such as myself.
1. Don't waste your time: True story, time is not always your friend. If you have been trying to conceive for a year or more without a pregnancy. GO GET CHECKED!!! If you are over 35 and have been trying for 6 months, GO GET CHECKED!!! Allowing more time, or thinking that you haven't given it enough time, is a recipe for more heart ache later on.
2. It is okay to grieve. Infertility is a real loss. It's a loss of your dreams, your wants for the future. When you hear those words your worlds come crashing in, and it is okay to scream, punch a pillow, and eat lots of ice cream.
3. Before you start with just any old physician.. Make sure you check their knowledge on infertility, if you have questions they can't answer, leave! I know not everyone is ready to jump into the Reproductive Doctors Office. So look into options. If you are seeking to just run some test, check your levels, or basic ultrasounds. A good OB can do that for you. They can even prescribe clomid- FYI MOMENT: If your Dr is willing to write you a prescription for clomid, but won't do a blood test to check for ovulation later in your cycle. NOT THE DR FOR YOU!!! I promise this will save you lots of time, and money if you can find an OB that is willing to do that. By the time you walk into an Re's office, you will have plenty of records and proof that you were running test, and hopefully have found out your issues, before you shell out the big bucks.
4. Research different ways of checking for ovulation, and for improving your chances of conception. Believe it or not, there are different things you can do. Ovulation Prediction Kits, Cervical Mucus, Temperature.. Timing sex just right, etc. Don't just assume that have sex will get you pregnant-Before you say anything, just having sex CAN get you pregnant, I mean thousands of people do it every year.. But you may need some more help..
5. Know the differences between a regular doctor, your OB, and an RE;Reproductive Endocrinologist. Just because your doctor has a medical degree from fancy college.. does not make him a specialist on infertility.
6. Know what kind of test SHOULD be performed in order to rule certain issues out. You can find info HERE and HERE. Remember knowledge is power, and lets face it. Some of the time, your will have more knowledge about your body, then your doctor.
7. Remember, it's okay to release your inner bitch! Becoming your own advocate will get you so far with infertility. Some doctors want to drag their feet.. Don't let them. Or find a different doctor. I wast 6 months with a doctor only to find out later, biggest waste of time and money!
8. Infertility is hard enough as it is, but if you can't become your own voice, and stand up for your needs. You will not be doing yourself any good. It is okay to be selfish in these time. If you need to skip a baby shower, or skipping out a family dinner cause your cousin is pregnant, again, for the 3rd time. Then do it. Your family, and your friends may not support you, and call you out on it. Who cares. You DESERVE HAPPINESS, and until you can cope with infertility, you are completely allowed to skip certain events.
9. Don't assume everyone will be compassionate about your pain. Some people might say they understand, or they are sorry. People will say THE DUMBEST things to you, assuming it will help. Let it roll off your back. There are support groups throughout the country, and support groups online. There will always be SOMEONE you understands. Don't be afraid to reach out.
10. Infertility takes a toll on everything.. Your marriage, your health, your relationships, your finances, It can at times become a complete obsession. Find different was of rekindling your romance, or different ways to celebrate small triumphs.
11. Having a baby, doesn't fix your sorrows and real pain of infertility. Adopting a baby, or conceiving one doesn't erase the pain you went through to get to that point. Your reality of infertility is just that, REALITY.
12. You can never do enough research. Seriously. Research EVERYTHING!!! The meds, the doctors, everything under the sun!! I have looked up countless things on the Internet attempting to gain some knowledge, and it has really helped. If you can't find it, don't be afraid to call you doctor, or find another infertile, and hit her up!
13. Always remember.. Infertility does not define you as a person. Although it has, and will create a huge impact on your life.. It doesn't mean you are that person. Break free from that mold. Become an advocate for infertility. It is a real disease, thousands and thousands of people are suffering from it. Don't be afraid to stand up and speak out. Someone else could be suffering in silence, and you could be their saving grace.
I wish I could hug you, and tell you that everything is going to be alright. But I can't make that promise. You are the maker of your life, and you can control the path you take. Knowledge is power. Don't lose hope, don't let infertility consume you. You are better than this, and some stupid condition isn't going to rule your life.
I hope this has helped. It was wonderful to be able to get some insight from the other ladies in my life that have, and or are in the same shoes as myself. Be brave in your journey, regardless of where it takes you.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
No excuses!
Alright, alright.. I know.. I am bad..
I went almost the entire summer without blogging once.. and I bet you are all wondering what the heck I have been up to, or maybe even wondering if I was still alive.. No worries, I am still kickin'.
We have had such an amazing summer, and cannot believe it is almost over! We finalized our adoption.. Hurray! We celebrated Izzebel's first birthday.. We got to visit with family that we haven't seen in ages.. and last but not least.. we got to take our sweet baby girl to the temple and be sealed to her..
It was truly amazing.. I cried the whole time.. Like I do in everything else.. What can I say.. I am a big ol' cry baby!-ask my husband..
We also, went to the water park, one too many times, Izzebel took her first swimming lessons, her first steps, and started saying a few words. We adore her, and cannot imagine life without her. I will post a few pictures in the next few days of everything we got to do this summer!
Also, this summer.. I started a new job working graves, it's hard getting use to staying up all night, but I am liking it so far. We also started looking into regulating my cycle and getting my body to ovulate.. I am still taking my metformin, and I am currently on my second cycle of clomid.. I do however have to say, that journey is a whole other post just because there is so much to tell, that just breezing over it right now, just wouldn't be fair..
I am loving life right now. I have a wacky little family, and we aren't perfect by any means.. But I love them like crazy. I am so glad that we are finally over with our long ordeal, and that for the first time in a long time, I feel normal. Now I am wrapped up in looking forward to Holidays, snow, baking, making memories with my sweet little family. I love adoption, and I love what it has done for our family, and I am so grateful for this whole experience.
Thank you for reading, and for being patient with me, as I slowly get back into the swing of things. There will be more post, more FREQUENT post.. and lots of good things to come..
I can't wait..
I went almost the entire summer without blogging once.. and I bet you are all wondering what the heck I have been up to, or maybe even wondering if I was still alive.. No worries, I am still kickin'.
We have had such an amazing summer, and cannot believe it is almost over! We finalized our adoption.. Hurray! We celebrated Izzebel's first birthday.. We got to visit with family that we haven't seen in ages.. and last but not least.. we got to take our sweet baby girl to the temple and be sealed to her..
It was truly amazing.. I cried the whole time.. Like I do in everything else.. What can I say.. I am a big ol' cry baby!-ask my husband..
We also, went to the water park, one too many times, Izzebel took her first swimming lessons, her first steps, and started saying a few words. We adore her, and cannot imagine life without her. I will post a few pictures in the next few days of everything we got to do this summer!
Also, this summer.. I started a new job working graves, it's hard getting use to staying up all night, but I am liking it so far. We also started looking into regulating my cycle and getting my body to ovulate.. I am still taking my metformin, and I am currently on my second cycle of clomid.. I do however have to say, that journey is a whole other post just because there is so much to tell, that just breezing over it right now, just wouldn't be fair..
I am loving life right now. I have a wacky little family, and we aren't perfect by any means.. But I love them like crazy. I am so glad that we are finally over with our long ordeal, and that for the first time in a long time, I feel normal. Now I am wrapped up in looking forward to Holidays, snow, baking, making memories with my sweet little family. I love adoption, and I love what it has done for our family, and I am so grateful for this whole experience.
Thank you for reading, and for being patient with me, as I slowly get back into the swing of things. There will be more post, more FREQUENT post.. and lots of good things to come..
I can't wait..
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Envious..
First off.. I have to explain my title.. I am having birth mother envy.. I see and read all the cute other posting on Facebook, and blogs about adoptive families, with amazing Birthmoms.. and I really wish that Izze's birth mom had been that awesome.. It makes me sad, to think that over a year ago, we had made so many plans, wanted to include her in so many things, and now.. all we have are broken hearts over the relationship we will never have.. I am just hopeful, and have learned so much for the future. The things we want for our children, and the relationships with their birth mothers are key.. We have definately made a list of things we want for the future and how we can better our relationships with birthmoms.. and always, always know that honesty is key.
Alright, on to more eventful things, now that I have gotten that off my chest. My husband and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary yesterday.. Needless to say it makes me one proud wifey to think I made it so far with my sweet husband!
He is my best friend, my gaming buddy, my sidekick, and the best person to take on adventures.. He keeps me grounded when I get a little out of hand, and I am so glad he takes me the way I am..
I love you baby with all my heart.
In other news, we have postponed baby making for now. We have both just come to a cross roads, and feel that having our own biological children will not be a possibility. Which I know for some people is disheartening to hear, espeically since we are still young. But, tomorrow is another day. Right? I am however working on regualting my cycle, and losing weight. If I can't have babies I might as well be fit and sexy right?
Here is to another year baby, of long talks, holidays with our daughter, and enjoying each other. To finishing school, starting our dreams, and improving who we are. So that way when 4 years comes around, we can look back and be proud of what we have accomplished.
Friday, June 22, 2012
My heart is healing..
We are just weeks away from being Sealed to Izzebel.. I called the temple, and have scheduled the event. We also have a couple of weeks under our belts of Izze officially being ours. It's been an amazing couple of weeks. We celebrated Izze's first birthday, which we will have an official celebration at the end of July following our sealing.. We also got Izze's ears pierced, and she did amazing. The gal who did it, was so impressed, Izze barely even cried.. So proud!
It's interesting how in the past year I have worked around what other people want or don't want in regards to Izzebel.. I no longer have to make arrangements for court ordered visitations, or make sure we don't do a single thing with out someones permission. We can do things with out asking a soul.. Just the way it should be. And now.. we are crossing the last thresh hold of being restrained.. I have avoided for a long time letting my personal life become public out of fear of retaliation from our birth mother, and also of fear of harassment. It is something that has plagued the back of my mind for weeks. Days following the birth mother relinquishment I feared picking up my phone, that the birth mother would text demanding to see Izzebel. Although I would not have obliged those request, it still is unsettling to get them..
This afternoon, I got an impression that I needed to search the Salt Lake County Jail records for our birth mother.. I had been doing it on almost a weekly basis the first few following weeks.. But that had dwindled after nothing came to fruition.. Upon discovering that the birth mother was not incarcerated in the SLC county jail, I decided to search for her in obituaries, in the off chance that heaven forbid she had passed.. When I googled her name.. and lo and behold.. the first result.. Her booking in the SLC jail, on June 5th.. I nearly fell over myself running to show my husband the words on the screen.. I finally felt vindicated..
For so long, I felt that the birth mother put on a facade and convinced everyone, that she could do no wrong.. I continually felt that no matter what I said, no matter what proof I had.. No one would believe me.. I finally feel for the first time, that she has no influence in our lives anymore.. I had attempted on several occasions to write about how I felt about our birth mother, and I just never felt like I could get those feelings across properly, especially since I still feared retaliation.. But now. I can breath, and acknowledge that this small piece I was holding on to.. it's gone. I could cry. I am so glad that there is finally relief, and now I can feel that I can truly forgive her, and have pity for her..
Everything has a time, and a season, and now, I can completely love my family, and no longer let her rent a space in my mind..
To our birth mother,
If you ever read this, which I am sure in time you may.. You continually fooled many people, including us. You strung us along, lying, and plotting in hopes to get what you want. DCFS gave you a power, where you felt that you would be victorious-shame on you. This is a little girl, a person. A human being! How dare you use her against us, how dare you toy with our emotions, and how dare you expect immediate forgiveness, for the real pain, and heart ache, you not only cause us.. but another family. You should be ashamed of yourself. Don't you ever blame us for YOUR unhappiness.
We offered you the world, even after you hurt us, and lied to us. We wanted to make it work, and you lied to us. To our faces. In our home! Have no worries about the things we will say about you in the future. We will not allow you to take up space in our minds, or energy into our words. When Izze ask, we will say you loved her. That will be that.. I will never lower myself to speak poorly on your behalf.
You were selfish, you hurt so many people, and I am so glad that I am finally done with you, and can officially wash my hands of you. I will say one last pray for you. To find happiness, to over come your addiction, and for you to have the best life you could possibly have.. and that day we walk into the Temple, and we are sealed to Izzebel.. I will never utter your name again..
The only way, you will ever feel forgiveness from me.. is when you can apologize with a truly humble heart, and identify that the things that took place in this past year, were a result of your actions.
and now.. I feel peace.
It's interesting how in the past year I have worked around what other people want or don't want in regards to Izzebel.. I no longer have to make arrangements for court ordered visitations, or make sure we don't do a single thing with out someones permission. We can do things with out asking a soul.. Just the way it should be. And now.. we are crossing the last thresh hold of being restrained.. I have avoided for a long time letting my personal life become public out of fear of retaliation from our birth mother, and also of fear of harassment. It is something that has plagued the back of my mind for weeks. Days following the birth mother relinquishment I feared picking up my phone, that the birth mother would text demanding to see Izzebel. Although I would not have obliged those request, it still is unsettling to get them..
This afternoon, I got an impression that I needed to search the Salt Lake County Jail records for our birth mother.. I had been doing it on almost a weekly basis the first few following weeks.. But that had dwindled after nothing came to fruition.. Upon discovering that the birth mother was not incarcerated in the SLC county jail, I decided to search for her in obituaries, in the off chance that heaven forbid she had passed.. When I googled her name.. and lo and behold.. the first result.. Her booking in the SLC jail, on June 5th.. I nearly fell over myself running to show my husband the words on the screen.. I finally felt vindicated..
For so long, I felt that the birth mother put on a facade and convinced everyone, that she could do no wrong.. I continually felt that no matter what I said, no matter what proof I had.. No one would believe me.. I finally feel for the first time, that she has no influence in our lives anymore.. I had attempted on several occasions to write about how I felt about our birth mother, and I just never felt like I could get those feelings across properly, especially since I still feared retaliation.. But now. I can breath, and acknowledge that this small piece I was holding on to.. it's gone. I could cry. I am so glad that there is finally relief, and now I can feel that I can truly forgive her, and have pity for her..
Everything has a time, and a season, and now, I can completely love my family, and no longer let her rent a space in my mind..
To our birth mother,
If you ever read this, which I am sure in time you may.. You continually fooled many people, including us. You strung us along, lying, and plotting in hopes to get what you want. DCFS gave you a power, where you felt that you would be victorious-shame on you. This is a little girl, a person. A human being! How dare you use her against us, how dare you toy with our emotions, and how dare you expect immediate forgiveness, for the real pain, and heart ache, you not only cause us.. but another family. You should be ashamed of yourself. Don't you ever blame us for YOUR unhappiness.
We offered you the world, even after you hurt us, and lied to us. We wanted to make it work, and you lied to us. To our faces. In our home! Have no worries about the things we will say about you in the future. We will not allow you to take up space in our minds, or energy into our words. When Izze ask, we will say you loved her. That will be that.. I will never lower myself to speak poorly on your behalf.
You were selfish, you hurt so many people, and I am so glad that I am finally done with you, and can officially wash my hands of you. I will say one last pray for you. To find happiness, to over come your addiction, and for you to have the best life you could possibly have.. and that day we walk into the Temple, and we are sealed to Izzebel.. I will never utter your name again..
The only way, you will ever feel forgiveness from me.. is when you can apologize with a truly humble heart, and identify that the things that took place in this past year, were a result of your actions.
and now.. I feel peace.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
just a year..
It's just a year... that's all. But, a year from today seems like a life time.. But to say a year ago today, goes by in the blink of an eye.. Just over a year ago, I was counting down to a special surprise.. What you may now know as days before my little girl was born. In less than a week, that little girl will celebrate her first birthday. I cannot believe that a year has come and gone, and we are on the doorsteps of a new year. So many things have happen. I have experienced pure joy, such as the first time I held Izze, and I have experienced the worst heart break of my life.. The moment we handed Izze to our attorney and he walked away with her.. and then I have experienced the Lords hand in my life in one sweet tender mercy, and miracle. The moment I discovered Izze had been removed from the birthmothers custody, just two days later, and they placed her back in my arms.
My step father was smart enough, the day we lost Izze in November, he took photos. I had not seen these photos, until a few weeks ago.. To see the sorrow on all my families faces, I couldn't even make it through all of the photographs without crying. I know this story ended happily, but at the time, I was convinced I would never see her again, and those emotions come back. I realize more than ever how completely blessed we have been, and how much the Lord intended for Izze to be a part of our eternal family.
Lately, I have been blessed again, by seeing how much this year has truly affected my family around me. I continuelly hear the words " We didn't think it would happen, but that little girl was meant to be in our family".. I know this, I knew this the moment I laid eyes on her, the moment I held her against my chest, even the day we lost her, and I walked away from the court house empty handed, convinced I would never see her again. The very next morning, I looked at Jon, I said "I don't know how, but she will be back in our home within the week" I could never imagine, it would happen less than 48 hours after we had lost her.
Over a year ago, I was concerened with the thought that our family may not be able to love an adopted child.. Would she be excepted? Today, I look at that little girl, and I don't see an adopted child, I don't see a little girl who is not biologically related to me.. I see my daughter. I see my miracle. Sometimes I even forget she is adopted.. That is by far my favorite part.
To my friends and my family, your testamonies of faith and love have truly overwhelmed me. I cannot begin to tell you the gratitude I feel in my heart to have your example in my life. I feel like this year has gone by so quickly, though at the time, it felt like it was dragging. It's gone. the termoil, the stress.. All we have now is the rest of our lives. There were many nights I felt isolated, and alone, but now as the darkness is clearing, I can finally see that I was not alone. There was an army of people behind me. Praying, and fasting with us. Living in this moment with us. I am speechless, I know that the prayers of many move mountains..
My step father was smart enough, the day we lost Izze in November, he took photos. I had not seen these photos, until a few weeks ago.. To see the sorrow on all my families faces, I couldn't even make it through all of the photographs without crying. I know this story ended happily, but at the time, I was convinced I would never see her again, and those emotions come back. I realize more than ever how completely blessed we have been, and how much the Lord intended for Izze to be a part of our eternal family.
Lately, I have been blessed again, by seeing how much this year has truly affected my family around me. I continuelly hear the words " We didn't think it would happen, but that little girl was meant to be in our family".. I know this, I knew this the moment I laid eyes on her, the moment I held her against my chest, even the day we lost her, and I walked away from the court house empty handed, convinced I would never see her again. The very next morning, I looked at Jon, I said "I don't know how, but she will be back in our home within the week" I could never imagine, it would happen less than 48 hours after we had lost her.
Over a year ago, I was concerened with the thought that our family may not be able to love an adopted child.. Would she be excepted? Today, I look at that little girl, and I don't see an adopted child, I don't see a little girl who is not biologically related to me.. I see my daughter. I see my miracle. Sometimes I even forget she is adopted.. That is by far my favorite part.
To my friends and my family, your testamonies of faith and love have truly overwhelmed me. I cannot begin to tell you the gratitude I feel in my heart to have your example in my life. I feel like this year has gone by so quickly, though at the time, it felt like it was dragging. It's gone. the termoil, the stress.. All we have now is the rest of our lives. There were many nights I felt isolated, and alone, but now as the darkness is clearing, I can finally see that I was not alone. There was an army of people behind me. Praying, and fasting with us. Living in this moment with us. I am speechless, I know that the prayers of many move mountains..
We are now, moving forward with our plans to bless Izze, and to have her sealed to our family. I just finished her blessing gown.. I cried a little as I looked at what I had done.. I cannot believe in just a few months she will wear this, and then I will FINALLY feel like this is over.. that the year and some change we waited.. will be over.. We can finally begin our happily ever after..
It's just a year.. just one.
what would you be willing to experience, to go through, to reach your happily ever after?
Friday, June 1, 2012
Kiss my Lime-Dressing
Alright, so I know everyone kinda has a spin-off version of cilantro dressing.. just like the kind at the covetted Cafe Rio.. But, I have been using this recipe for years, and it has been okay.. But today I decided to do something a little different, and I couldn't believe how amazing it was!! We served it at the family dinner and it got mad reviews!!
Ingredients
1 pack (1oz) Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing Mix
Just the packet, no need to worry about the directions on the back..
1 C mayo
1/2 C milk1 lime-Or Lime juice.. which is was I use..
2 cloves garlic, roughly chopped
1/2 C roughly chopped cilantro*
1/4 C green salsa
hot sauce-to taste
*side note- I am not overly crazy about cilantro.. I used barely any in my recipe, and I just did it to taste.
Alright, nothing too fancy.. I will however say that I have used different green salsa before but the
La Costena was by far the best I have used when it comes to this recipe!!
Alright, pull out your blender, or your bullet.. and empty your ranch packet in.. I know this sounds crazy but trust me.. I did it this way and it made the world of difference..
Add your milk, and blend until the ranch and milk look well blended and the milk has some bubbles.. or looks frothy.. if that's a worth... add your mayo, and your green salsa... and of course blend.. Now ad the garlic..
add lime and hot sauce to taste..
I tasted it after almost every ingredient.. I wanted that perfect blend.. Also, start with a little cilantro.. like not even one Tbs.. it's easier to add than to take away right?
Super easy, and always a favorite. Make sure you make it a couple of hours ahead so you can put it in the fridge to thicken..
Enjoy
For a stellar recipe for Pork Barbacoa to go with your dressing check out this blog HERE.
You can find the blog I got this recipe from HERE.. Mind you I did mine slighty different.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
one more thing... side note
I have also decided not to post our adoption story on this blog.. it is very public, and it's a rather personal story that I would like to keep from judgemental eyes.. If you would like to read my private family blog, please feel free to leave a comment with your email address. All comments are private and come straight to me and I will not publish the comments, that way no one else will have your email. Or feel free to text me or email me any other way you see fit..
Sorry to those that swing by, and don't really wanna take the time to follow the other blog.. We have been hurt considerably by our birth mothers actions and do not want to give her the opportunity to find more ways to peer into our lives..
Thank you
Sorry to those that swing by, and don't really wanna take the time to follow the other blog.. We have been hurt considerably by our birth mothers actions and do not want to give her the opportunity to find more ways to peer into our lives..
Thank you
it's just the beginning.. finally..
We made it.. I don't think I have ever been so excited for any one day in my life-well minus my wedding day, but lets face it.. this one had a rather large build up.. We finalized our adoption today. After a long battle to get here, and with many ups and down, and multiple delays. We are finally, OFFICIALLY a family.. I only mean official by legal standards.. I already knew we were a family otherwise.
We were up bright and early getting ready.. I knew Izze would need a bath so I went in and distrubed her slumber..
As you can clearly tell.. she wasn't one bit upset about getting up so early. I think she could feel the excitement.. It's not everyday mom gets her up this early AND lets her take a bath! Needless to say we were ready like twenty mins before we even needed to leave. She was wearing the most adoarble blue dress. It looked amazing on her. And her hair peice matched. Oh too perfect.
Here is Izze with the Judge finalizing the adoption and making it official. Izze loved this part. Mainly because she got to play with the pen, quickly followed by the judge letting her play with the gavel.
During the whole ordeal, I was a little anxious, nervous that some other hiccups would pop up, even as the judge spoke, and acknowledge that as difficult as it was back in November to give Izze back to her birth mother, the judge was only following the law. The judge, then proceeded to tell us, that making that decision was not easy, that she could see how emotionally devastated we were when she made the ruling.. But, she said she will never forget what the court clearks told her the day we got Izze back.. The clerks had informed the judge that Izze's face lit up when the dcfs worker came around the corner and she saw me for the first time in almost 48 hours. Of course I cried even more.
I feel so over whelmed with emotions today, and cannot believe that we are finally done. That things are official, and our little Izze is finally a Mathie..
This was such an amazing experience. I feel so blessed to have been given this opportunity, and that my friends and family could be there to support us today. There was so much love in that courtroom. Compared to the one time when we sat so grief striking as the judge told us we had to return Izze.. The Lord truly works miracles. I have never seen the Lords hand more powerfully than in other time in my life.
I want to share one more thing and then I will leave my computer behind for the day and go snuggle my girl.
A few days after we lost Izze, and then she was so quickly returned to us. I was filling out her baby book we have, and I realized I had never looked up the mean of Izze's name.. Believe me, when I say how shocked I was to discover the meaning of her name was: God's Promise..
As I read those words I knew the Lord had intended for this little girl to be part of our family. Why else would he allow for so many trials, followed by so many blessings.
We love you Izzebel.
I am so happy to be your mommy, now, and always.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
twiddling my thumbs...
Alright, so I haven't been on here for a while.. I have been taking my time, convincing myself I had something to write about.. Well, I do, I just can't write about it yet... But, we are still waiting to finalize our adoption, we are eager and excited with anticipation. I can't believe we are so close...
Other than that things are just as busy as every around here. We are having lots of fun and exciting things happening, and we cannot wait for summer to get here. We even enrolled Izze in swim lessons. this little girl loves water so much, I just know she is going to love being in the pool.
In fact I spoke with the swim instructor on the phone the other day, and the gal asked me if Izze took naps during the day so we could cordinate a swim time.. I laughed and told her no matter what time it is, no matter how cold the water is.. This little girl will be the first one in the pool, and the last one out. Serioulsy we set the pool up the other day, and my best friend B and her little girl came over.. The water was freezing, and there was a slight breeze, so it didn't make things any better.. Izze was so instant in getting in the pool, and even after her little teeth started to chatter, she didn't want to get out.. It was adorable.
Thankfully we purchased those pass of all passes- if you aren't from Utah these things are amazing. You buy one pass, and you get into free at all sorts of places, sports games, fun centers, a local water park, the works. It had already paid for it's self.. well we bought ours on sale for $10.. so yes, it already paid for it's self, but we will be able to go to the water park as often as we want, and I am positive Izze will love it!
Okay, please keep checking back for updates, and happenings. I promise I will be posting our adoption story as soon as I can!
Also, a quick thank you to everyone who came out to our party. Thank you for your support! We love you guys!
Other than that things are just as busy as every around here. We are having lots of fun and exciting things happening, and we cannot wait for summer to get here. We even enrolled Izze in swim lessons. this little girl loves water so much, I just know she is going to love being in the pool.
In fact I spoke with the swim instructor on the phone the other day, and the gal asked me if Izze took naps during the day so we could cordinate a swim time.. I laughed and told her no matter what time it is, no matter how cold the water is.. This little girl will be the first one in the pool, and the last one out. Serioulsy we set the pool up the other day, and my best friend B and her little girl came over.. The water was freezing, and there was a slight breeze, so it didn't make things any better.. Izze was so instant in getting in the pool, and even after her little teeth started to chatter, she didn't want to get out.. It was adorable.
Thankfully we purchased those pass of all passes- if you aren't from Utah these things are amazing. You buy one pass, and you get into free at all sorts of places, sports games, fun centers, a local water park, the works. It had already paid for it's self.. well we bought ours on sale for $10.. so yes, it already paid for it's self, but we will be able to go to the water park as often as we want, and I am positive Izze will love it!
Okay, please keep checking back for updates, and happenings. I promise I will be posting our adoption story as soon as I can!
Also, a quick thank you to everyone who came out to our party. Thank you for your support! We love you guys!
Monday, May 7, 2012
I spoke too soon!
I got an unexpected call from my Gyno office today. Apparently my wonderful nurse practitioner changed her mind on plans we had made last week during my session of phone calls to the office asking about clomid. I was just suppose to call on the first day of my next cycle, have them write me a pretty prescription for hot-flash inducing clomid. But, we have decided to skip this cycle. We are going to test my progesterone levels on day 21 of my next cycle.. Ugh more waiting?!
I hate this part of infertility.. not so much the fact that I can't get pregnant by sneezing.. It's the fact I gotta wait to get pregnant. Or even test to see if I am ovulating.. This totally reminds me.
My sister just celebrated her birthday over the weekend and at the birthday party we played a game called 'What If?' You take a peice of paper and a pen, and write down a what if question. You then fold the paper, and place it in a hat, bowl, whatever. After everyone places their paper in the the bowl, you then devide the papers, hoping you down get the one you put in. If it happens just trade with someone. You then read the new question on your paper, and write down an answer. After everyone has written down their answer, the game really starts.
So say, I read my question. The person to my right read their answer. Sometimes it doesn't make any sense, other times it's hilarious. Any way, back to my story.
So, one of the questions someone wrote down was, 'What if it only took 9 days to have a baby and not 9 months?'. Could you imagine? lol, it would take out all of the waiting.. lol. The only down side is, thinking of how many periods you would have a year?! YIKES!
Alright off to go wait for af to visit me! I hope everyone had a great weekend, and as sad as I am that we will not be finalizing our adoption this week. We are excited to finalize by the end of the month, and hopefully be able to have even more good news! Woot!
I hate this part of infertility.. not so much the fact that I can't get pregnant by sneezing.. It's the fact I gotta wait to get pregnant. Or even test to see if I am ovulating.. This totally reminds me.
My sister just celebrated her birthday over the weekend and at the birthday party we played a game called 'What If?' You take a peice of paper and a pen, and write down a what if question. You then fold the paper, and place it in a hat, bowl, whatever. After everyone places their paper in the the bowl, you then devide the papers, hoping you down get the one you put in. If it happens just trade with someone. You then read the new question on your paper, and write down an answer. After everyone has written down their answer, the game really starts.
So say, I read my question. The person to my right read their answer. Sometimes it doesn't make any sense, other times it's hilarious. Any way, back to my story.
So, one of the questions someone wrote down was, 'What if it only took 9 days to have a baby and not 9 months?'. Could you imagine? lol, it would take out all of the waiting.. lol. The only down side is, thinking of how many periods you would have a year?! YIKES!
Alright off to go wait for af to visit me! I hope everyone had a great weekend, and as sad as I am that we will not be finalizing our adoption this week. We are excited to finalize by the end of the month, and hopefully be able to have even more good news! Woot!
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
I should know better...
Ugh, You would think I would have learned my lesson the first time around.. but noo... I am once again finding myself counting days, and anticipating every movement my cycle makes.. Which as of late is getting harder and harder to do.. It never does anything it's suppose to do.. Shame on you cycle!
Sigh, anyway... This morning, I finally broke down and called to ask the nurse about possibly being proscribed clomid.. Something I am dreading greatly, especially since last time we did this, it was fruitless efforts. I am not looking forward to the next 4 months of possible hot flashes, mood swings-my poor husband, and the potential failure. Although this time, we have a plan. We know what we want to accomplish by the end of the year, and if those things do not happen, we will most likely shut down our efforts to conceive naturally.. At least at this time, since doing ivf, is not a possibility right now. We will most likely continue to journey down our road of adoption, and foster care. Which I am fine with. I know that our chances are slim, but I am willing to give it one last shot!
Alright, here is my kick off to May, more infertility happenings and what not. I know you are just so excited about this. I can tell. I will keep ya posted, since I will most likely start clomid in the next week or two.. Gulp.. not excited...
Sigh, anyway... This morning, I finally broke down and called to ask the nurse about possibly being proscribed clomid.. Something I am dreading greatly, especially since last time we did this, it was fruitless efforts. I am not looking forward to the next 4 months of possible hot flashes, mood swings-my poor husband, and the potential failure. Although this time, we have a plan. We know what we want to accomplish by the end of the year, and if those things do not happen, we will most likely shut down our efforts to conceive naturally.. At least at this time, since doing ivf, is not a possibility right now. We will most likely continue to journey down our road of adoption, and foster care. Which I am fine with. I know that our chances are slim, but I am willing to give it one last shot!
Alright, here is my kick off to May, more infertility happenings and what not. I know you are just so excited about this. I can tell. I will keep ya posted, since I will most likely start clomid in the next week or two.. Gulp.. not excited...
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Once again...
Things have come to a screetching halt.. Our adoption has been pushed back.. We are unsure of when it will take place.. To those who received invites.. They are still good. I will let you know more as soon as I can.. Thank you.
Monday, April 30, 2012
People of the blog
Enjoy... This is gonna be awesome. Oh also those that emailed me about partipating in our picture series I will email you later this week. Thank you everyone!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Picture this (Utah Readers should read this!)
So, I've been doing my little brain storming thing that I love to do.. and I've decided it would be way awesome and wonderful to do an infertility awareness photos series. I would love to find at least a dozen or two couples throughout Utah, and even in Idaho, since I will be traveling there in the next few months, or even California, since I will be there in June. We are also extending this offer to those located in the Houston Texas, as we have a local photographer there willing to volunteer her services! Thanks Bridget!!
We are looking couples who are living with infertility, or have dealt with it at least one point through their relationship. It doesn't matter what the issue was, it doesn't matter if you have children or not, it doesn't matter if said children are biological or not.. I would also like to add, we will offer this to couple who have experienced child loss.
I will be working with my best friend B on this, we hope to finish photographing our series by October.
Please note that we will strive to capture photos that represent your story, and helps others to realize that infertility is real. There are real people experiencing this heart ache, and living with this reality every day.
*We will have model realease forms, and want to remind you that these photos will not be used for profit.* Aslo, this a free to those that are interested. There is no charge what so ever!*
For those of you willing to participate. As our thank you, we would like to offer you couple/family photos. Or you may save this gift for a later time to do something such as a pregnancy/adoption announcement, or even maternity photos. We can also do a version of "adoption maternity" photos. The ideas are endless.
Thank you for your time, and consideration in this task.
If you're interested in helping with this process, please leave a comment here with your email. I have changed the comment setting so that comments need to be approved before seen by everyone. So your email will remain private.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I need a life jacket..
There are certain laws in every state where there are body of waters that regulate that children of a certain age must always wear a life jacket, and there must be a life jacket available for every person on board. What happens when you don't have a life jacket? What happens when you're alone with no one to rescue you? This week we celebrate and stand as we honor those suffering from infertility, and prepare to pave the road for those yet to come.
In 2009 The World Health Organization officially recognized infertility as a diesease. A diesease which is defined by a couple having unprotected sex for 12 months without protection, and fail to accomplish a pregnany. I know, that for most infertiles, if you are as deep into the water of infertility as I am, this is not news to you. In fact, I attended The Utah Infertility Awareness Event last Saturday, and the thing that made me kinda a giggle, was that almost every represenative that I listen to speak, seem to be repeating the same things that I have heard over the past few years.. I guess, I am still waiting for new things to educate me on our little journey.
When we are little girls, we played house, and dolls. We dress them up, and carry them around, and whisper the same sweet little things our mothers did to us when we were still little. I catch myself sometimes looking at a group of girls, and saying to myself "one in three of you will be infertile". I think if my 5 year old self could see me now.. I'd like to she'd kick my butt for not believing that I will be a mom. But, lets be honest picking up a cabbage patch doll isn't gonna fix things, infact I am sure if I carried around a doll.. people might question my sanity.
I divorced my first husband in 2008. After 2 years of being married, I learned, I had irregular period and a tilted uterus. At this point I felt discouraged about my tilted uterus, especially when I read in books and online that it can cause issues getting pregnant.. I think back now, and laugh-Gee, if that was the ONLY issue I had.
In 2009, I married my best friend, I was thrilled. We already knew that a previous marriage had not given me any children, so we started with the doctors visits early. I was diagnosed with PCOS in October of 2009, and given Metformin. By our 1st anniversary, I still was pregnant. We sought assitance from a fertility specialist, and he referred us to an OBGYN, who could help us, and save cost before we went straight to the top. Between June and September of 2010, I would try 3 rounds of Clomid.. Good news! I ovulate.. bad news. not pregnant. In Late September, I would under go the procedure I like to call the death procedure.. an HSG test- or Hystrosalpingogram.. Yes, I know how to say this, given that I refer to it frequently, I'm a pro. Seriously. WORST. TEST. EVER!!! I am promptly diagnosed with a Unicornuate Uterus.. Ugh. Bad news- affect 1 in 4,000 woman.. Good news. Majority of woman didn't even know they had this issue til they went to have babies, and ended up having c-sections revealing said issue. By the end of October, I am one sad, depressed invidual.. I need to heal..
By the beginning of January 2011, I am starting to come to terms with the potential of being infertile.. I start to embrace my destiny. At this point, I stop taking Metformin, I stop counting days, or peeing on a stick every other day. I just live, and enjoy my life with my husband. Untill.. March 2011.. We get a phone call. My sister called to inform me she had a friend who was interested in placing her baby for adoption, and that wants to know if we would like to meet her... Between March and June, we meet our birth mother, fall in love with her, and on June 12th 2011, I hold my little girl for the first time.
In 2009 when infertility was finally being recognized as a diesease. I was just starting to wade myself into these waters. I felt like that although I had let the water rolls up onto the beach and over my toes.. I backed away, and then ran and leaped into the water, as deep as I could go. I didn't know where to go, or how to start. I felt so over whelmed.
Now in 2012, I am about the celebrate my 3rd wedding anniversary, I will watch my little girl distroy her 1st birthcake. I will kneel across the altar from my sweet husband and we will be sealed to our daughter for eternity. At the end of 2012, I will be grateful. I feel so blessed. I know that my life is still young, and I have so much more that I want to do, and accomplish. I know in my heart that I am a mother, regardless of how my children come to me. My infertility is just a diesease, it is something my body is failing to do. But, my body will never fail me of being able to love, and parent a child. Even if they are not biologically mine.
They are still mine...
Now, once again, I stand on the waters edge.. my toes rubbed down into the sand as the water rolls over my toes.. But this time, I notice something different.. the smell of salt breeze against my face, and the warmth of the sun against my skin. I no longer look at the endless possibilities of my infertility, and I now longer allow it to intimidate me, or make me feel weak. I no longer need a life jacket, because I found the life I was looking for all along.
Infertility is the worst things I have ever had to face. I wouldn't wish this pain upon my worst enemy, no one should ever have to hear those words. Infertile. For many of us, we have been on this journey for years. for others we are just starting out. But regardless, if you need a life jacket, if you feel over whelmed, please ask for assistance, find the support, and don't let your troubles weigh you down..
To the fertiles, infertiles, to everyone who reads my blog. I send you a big hug, and encourage you to hug an infertile this week. They need it. Thank you for the support.
In 2009 The World Health Organization officially recognized infertility as a diesease. A diesease which is defined by a couple having unprotected sex for 12 months without protection, and fail to accomplish a pregnany. I know, that for most infertiles, if you are as deep into the water of infertility as I am, this is not news to you. In fact, I attended The Utah Infertility Awareness Event last Saturday, and the thing that made me kinda a giggle, was that almost every represenative that I listen to speak, seem to be repeating the same things that I have heard over the past few years.. I guess, I am still waiting for new things to educate me on our little journey.
When we are little girls, we played house, and dolls. We dress them up, and carry them around, and whisper the same sweet little things our mothers did to us when we were still little. I catch myself sometimes looking at a group of girls, and saying to myself "one in three of you will be infertile". I think if my 5 year old self could see me now.. I'd like to she'd kick my butt for not believing that I will be a mom. But, lets be honest picking up a cabbage patch doll isn't gonna fix things, infact I am sure if I carried around a doll.. people might question my sanity.
I divorced my first husband in 2008. After 2 years of being married, I learned, I had irregular period and a tilted uterus. At this point I felt discouraged about my tilted uterus, especially when I read in books and online that it can cause issues getting pregnant.. I think back now, and laugh-Gee, if that was the ONLY issue I had.
In 2009, I married my best friend, I was thrilled. We already knew that a previous marriage had not given me any children, so we started with the doctors visits early. I was diagnosed with PCOS in October of 2009, and given Metformin. By our 1st anniversary, I still was pregnant. We sought assitance from a fertility specialist, and he referred us to an OBGYN, who could help us, and save cost before we went straight to the top. Between June and September of 2010, I would try 3 rounds of Clomid.. Good news! I ovulate.. bad news. not pregnant. In Late September, I would under go the procedure I like to call the death procedure.. an HSG test- or Hystrosalpingogram.. Yes, I know how to say this, given that I refer to it frequently, I'm a pro. Seriously. WORST. TEST. EVER!!! I am promptly diagnosed with a Unicornuate Uterus.. Ugh. Bad news- affect 1 in 4,000 woman.. Good news. Majority of woman didn't even know they had this issue til they went to have babies, and ended up having c-sections revealing said issue. By the end of October, I am one sad, depressed invidual.. I need to heal..
By the beginning of January 2011, I am starting to come to terms with the potential of being infertile.. I start to embrace my destiny. At this point, I stop taking Metformin, I stop counting days, or peeing on a stick every other day. I just live, and enjoy my life with my husband. Untill.. March 2011.. We get a phone call. My sister called to inform me she had a friend who was interested in placing her baby for adoption, and that wants to know if we would like to meet her... Between March and June, we meet our birth mother, fall in love with her, and on June 12th 2011, I hold my little girl for the first time.
In 2009 when infertility was finally being recognized as a diesease. I was just starting to wade myself into these waters. I felt like that although I had let the water rolls up onto the beach and over my toes.. I backed away, and then ran and leaped into the water, as deep as I could go. I didn't know where to go, or how to start. I felt so over whelmed.
Now in 2012, I am about the celebrate my 3rd wedding anniversary, I will watch my little girl distroy her 1st birthcake. I will kneel across the altar from my sweet husband and we will be sealed to our daughter for eternity. At the end of 2012, I will be grateful. I feel so blessed. I know that my life is still young, and I have so much more that I want to do, and accomplish. I know in my heart that I am a mother, regardless of how my children come to me. My infertility is just a diesease, it is something my body is failing to do. But, my body will never fail me of being able to love, and parent a child. Even if they are not biologically mine.
They are still mine...
Now, once again, I stand on the waters edge.. my toes rubbed down into the sand as the water rolls over my toes.. But this time, I notice something different.. the smell of salt breeze against my face, and the warmth of the sun against my skin. I no longer look at the endless possibilities of my infertility, and I now longer allow it to intimidate me, or make me feel weak. I no longer need a life jacket, because I found the life I was looking for all along.
Infertility is the worst things I have ever had to face. I wouldn't wish this pain upon my worst enemy, no one should ever have to hear those words. Infertile. For many of us, we have been on this journey for years. for others we are just starting out. But regardless, if you need a life jacket, if you feel over whelmed, please ask for assistance, find the support, and don't let your troubles weigh you down..
To the fertiles, infertiles, to everyone who reads my blog. I send you a big hug, and encourage you to hug an infertile this week. They need it. Thank you for the support.
Friday, April 20, 2012
to whom it may concern
I
've decided to no longer post about our adoption until our adoption is finalized.. I am have also decided to stop my count down. It has come to my attention that our birth mother has been looking for my blog, and attempting to find the date of our adoption. I wish we were on better terms, and that we could invite her to celebrate with us..
Not, that this is a bad thing... We would just like to enjoy our day of celebration when the time comes without any unnecessary drama. Thank you
've decided to no longer post about our adoption until our adoption is finalized.. I am have also decided to stop my count down. It has come to my attention that our birth mother has been looking for my blog, and attempting to find the date of our adoption. I wish we were on better terms, and that we could invite her to celebrate with us..
Not, that this is a bad thing... We would just like to enjoy our day of celebration when the time comes without any unnecessary drama. Thank you
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