Friday, June 22, 2012

My heart is healing..

We are just weeks away from being Sealed to Izzebel.. I called the temple, and have scheduled the event. We also have a couple of weeks under our belts of Izze officially being ours. It's been an amazing couple of weeks. We celebrated Izze's first birthday, which we will have an official celebration at the end of July following our sealing.. We also got Izze's ears pierced, and she did amazing. The gal who did it, was so impressed, Izze barely even cried.. So proud!

It's interesting how in the past year I have worked around what other people want or don't want in regards to Izzebel.. I no longer have to make arrangements for court ordered visitations, or make sure we don't do a single thing with out someones permission. We can do things with out asking a soul.. Just the way it should be. And now.. we are crossing the last thresh hold of being restrained.. I have avoided for a long time letting my personal life become public out of fear of retaliation from our birth mother, and also of fear of harassment. It is something that has plagued the back of my mind for weeks. Days following the birth mother relinquishment I feared picking up my phone, that the birth mother would text demanding to see Izzebel. Although I would not have obliged those request, it still is unsettling to get them..

This afternoon, I got an impression that I needed to search the Salt Lake County Jail records for our birth mother.. I had been doing it on almost a weekly basis the first few following weeks.. But that had dwindled after nothing came to fruition.. Upon discovering that the birth mother was not incarcerated in the SLC county jail, I decided to search for her in obituaries, in the off chance that heaven forbid she had passed.. When I googled her name.. and lo and behold.. the first result.. Her booking in the SLC jail, on June 5th.. I nearly fell over myself running to show my husband the words on the screen.. I finally felt vindicated..

For so long, I felt that the birth mother put on a facade and convinced everyone, that she could do no wrong.. I continually felt that no matter what I said, no matter what proof I had.. No one would believe me.. I finally feel for the first time, that she has no influence in our lives anymore.. I had attempted on several occasions to write about how I felt about our birth mother, and I just never felt like I could get those feelings across properly, especially since I still feared retaliation.. But now. I can breath, and acknowledge that this small piece I was holding on to.. it's gone. I could cry. I am so glad that there is finally relief, and now I can feel that I can truly forgive her, and have pity for her..

Everything has a time, and a season, and now, I can completely love my family, and no longer let her rent a space in my mind..

To our birth mother,

If you ever read this, which I am sure in time you may.. You continually fooled many people, including us. You strung us along, lying, and plotting in hopes to get what you want. DCFS gave you a power, where you felt that you would be victorious-shame on you. This is a little girl, a person. A human being! How dare you use her against us, how dare you toy with our emotions, and how dare you expect immediate forgiveness, for the real pain, and heart ache, you not only cause us.. but another family. You should be ashamed of yourself. Don't you ever blame us for YOUR unhappiness.

We offered you the world, even after you hurt us, and lied to us. We wanted to make it work, and you lied to us. To our faces. In our home! Have no worries about the things we will say about you in the future. We will not allow you to take up space in our minds, or energy into our words. When Izze ask, we will say you loved her. That will be that.. I will never lower myself to speak poorly on your behalf.

You were selfish, you hurt so many people, and I am so glad that I am finally done with you, and can officially wash my hands of you. I will say one last pray for you. To find happiness, to over come your addiction, and for you to have the best life you could possibly have.. and that day we walk into the Temple, and we are sealed to Izzebel.. I will never utter your name again..

The only way, you will ever feel forgiveness from me.. is when you can apologize with a truly humble heart, and identify that the things that took place in this past year, were a result of your actions.

and now.. I feel peace.



Wow good letter to her, now never think of her again and love every moment with your daughter that will never have to question how much you and Jon love her. Love you guys