She is beautiful

You know what the best smell in the entire world is?

New baby smell..

No joke. Serisouly my favorite smell in the entire world. I love nothing more than feeling this small warm little wonder, against your chest. It is truly amazing.

Today..

I got to smell the most wonderful smell.

My best friend, along with her husband. Welcomed their precious little miracle into the world this afternoon..

She is beautiful.

I was there.  

It's true, there is nothing more beautiful, more peaceful, than witnessing the birth of a new baby.

It was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life, I was so honored to photograph the whole process.

It's hard to believe just over 8 months ago my little girl was the bundle of blankets pressed against me.. Now she is almost walking, and attempting to talk, and be as grown-up as possible for a little girl..

Such a wonderful experience.

Walking through the hall-way of the Mothers unit, and seeing the tiny infants in the nursery as I practically press my face against the glass. It brings back a flood of emotions. From my infertility, to this whole adoption process.

It's nice to feel at peace.

for once.

I feel so blessed. I know my life isn't perfect-no ones is.. But for a few hours this afternoon. It was perfect.

Congratulations to my best friend. I love you so much. You more than deserve this.

Let them..er.. eat cake?

Alright, it happened... something I just couldn't even believe till I saw it with my own eyes.. My sister and her husband celebrated their first wedding anniversary just a few weeks ago. Well, my mother was kind enough to save their cake top for them, and called to remind them that the cake top was still in her freezer in case they wanted it... Or well-at least my mother thought she had saved my sisters wedding cake top, in her freezer..

Upon arriving and investigating the cake, I got a phone call from my sister asking if by chance it was mine and my husbands cake top, that she wouldn't really tell, and needed some help figuring it out. I asked a few questions, and decided it was best she brought it to me..

After peeling back the tin foil.. the 4 layers of saran wrap.. and realizing that the cake was in fact covered with foundant and not butter cream frosting... it was discovered that it was in fact my wedding cake toppper... from my first wedding. Over 5 years ago... Don't get me wrong. I am sure the cake was wonderful.. and at one point tasted wonderful. But I was not about to eat it.

We had a good laugh.. contimplated about what to do with the cake top that weighed like 25 lbs-no lie. It was rock solid!! But, we decided to just throw it away..

It's crazy how things like that can just sneak-up on ya.. and although I am sure my ex-husband is living a wonderful life, my life is so different in the place that I am now.. I couldn't be happier. I love my current husband. More than should legally be allowed.. lol. And the best part is, I know this time it's perfect. I don't even need any cake to make me happy..

Just in case you were wondering.. We didn't even save our cake top.. In fact, after we left the reception on our wedding day.. We hadn't had anything to eat, or any of our cake besides when we cut and shared it with one another.

Perhaps I'll make a little cake for our next wedding anniversary. The one we will be spending with our daughter.. 

Infertility Bug..

It showed it's ugly head once again.. For the past few days it has really been snubbing it in my face.. You know that pregnancy cycle.. Where like every few months another group of ladies gets pregnant... Well it's that time again, and it just so happens to be the same time where it's practically every single friend on facebook... :( Don't get me wrong, I am so thrilled for all of my friends... but lets face it..

...it still sucks..

I hate this feeling more than anything, and I know that a lot of my friends went through infertility as well.. The only difference, they have all been able to get pregnant. I hope all my infertile friends reading this don't take this the wrong way, and I hope you don't think I am mad at you. I'm not. I am just having a pity party..:( it just came a little early this year.

We are fast approaching our 3rd year anniversary, and I fear that it may be the 3rd of many many annisersaries that we will once again not bare our own children. I know I am a mom, I know Miss Izz, is my little girl, but even that hangs in the balance.

I guess more than anything it feels like we have been pushed into the corner with few options, and that it doesn't seem to be getting any better...

I know with everything that is going on in my life, school, work, fostercare.. having more children should probably be the last thing on my mind. lol.. But, all I want is to be a mom, and to have more children, and nothing is more frustrating that not knowing if you will ever have your own family.

I've come along way since we started this journey.. I can actually go without having to test if my period is a day late.. in fact, I have a pregnancy test sitting in my bathroom that has been there for like 2 months now! lol. That probably seems like the dumbest thing ever.. but for me, it's a big deal! And if you know another infertile, or are one yourself, you know what kinda deal this is!

Alright, getting up and walking away from Face book, and the preggers..:( unless a pregnant woman wants to come sneeze on me in the hope of concieving.. I am just sayin'!



REALLY?!

So, the other day, I decided to write another post... I know, go me! Well, Blogger was being such a stink about things... I couldn't even freakin tittle my post!! So, I decided to post it anyway... Well apparently it didn't even put it up! Super annoyed. Not that the blog was special or anything.. it was just about making goals.

Thanks to my best friend J, who so kindly left a comment on my blank post.. *rolling eyes* I am kinda bent about the whole situation, especially because it was a very moving, and inspiring blog post.. I mean, it's the kinda stuff that makes ya cry! Alright not reallly, it wasn't even that close to making anyone cry.. in fact, after I typed it, and read through it.. I thought it was kinda boring.. Maybe Blogger realized how dang boring the post was, and refused to post it, out of consideration to me... Yeah, I am reaching for the bottom of the barrel here... lol.

Alright, that being said- set goals, reach high, have a great day.. lol..

you wanna buy a sun dial?

Alright, not the best title to a blog.. But, When you see the last photo I have posted.. You'll totally get it, and have a good laugh. Just so you know. this is really hard for me.. I know you are probably thinking to yourself- What on earth could be so difficult? Well. For starters. It is probably the first time in a very very long time I have intentionally taken a photo of my whole body. For Secondly, I am putting said photos of my body up on my blog for all the critics of the world.. So, Yes. This is hard for me. But, honest to my word, and for my modivation, and more or less having someone to answer to. This is more or less setting my self up for success... or failure... Here is hoping to success!!

Pictures from all the terrible angles included... My best friend B, was so kind as to take this photos for me.. I can honestly I am very much looking forward to the 'after' photos..

At this moment.. I am not gonna be posting my weight.. Although I am sure you were on the edge of your seat waiting for those precious numbers... Perhaps later I will feel more confident in doing so. But, as of today, January 28th I am down 7 lbs from my start weight. Here is to hoping to more motivation, and to more weight loss. I am gonna go have a glass of water, and head to bed!!

So, wanna buy a Sun Dial?lol.

Thanks B

side note, with good juju!!

See this? This terrible photo.. taken with my cheap phone.. Yeah that right there are minus signs right next to the numbers...

I am now down almost 7 inches and 6.5 lbs. and I haven't even taken my before photos!! I gotta get on that! But, I just want to brag about this because I am super proud of myself!

I hope this give ya some motivation, I have only been working on this for almost two weeks, with hardly any effort(Seriously, I have done almost nothing, just watching what I eat mainly.) Alright I am for the weekend, going to take some before photos, and get them posted on her Monday afternoon, stay tuned!!

Hallelujah!!!

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!! you're not gonna believe it!!! I got my precious laptop up and running again.. for the second time.. I know, I know. I had issue with  the whole computer charger cord thingy, and thankfully that has all been resolved thanks to my in-laws. Love them!

On to other things.
*This part may be TMI, just sayin' you may wanna scroll all the way down to the bottom of the post. *

I finally decided to put on my big girl panties, and go in and have an annual done. Oh the joys of having your heels in stirrups, and a light shined at your crotch.. Thankfully this time, my best friend B recommended her nurse practitioner, Kellie, and I have to say. I really like having a female OB. I got a chance to sit down and talk with her before we decided to strip me naked. I got to express my concerns with my irregular cycles, and with my pcos, and potentially my thyroid. I had a whole list of concerns, and althought 8 weeks ago I was greatly considering using birth control to regulate my cycle. As of Monday this week, I had convinced myself to not do the birth control. We also talked about my diet, and losing weight, and managing my health issues to improve my chances of conception.

Then came the part, where she walked me to a room, pointed to the little paper cover, "put that on", and the paper sheet, "put that over your lap". Can I just tell you, I've never had an issue strippin' down to my bare bottom. But, really, being alone, in a new doctors office, stripping butt naked, and wrapping some thin paper around you, and then having to sit for 15 mins waiting for someone to come back in. Not, my idea of a fun morning. I will tell you however, the exam table I was sitting on, heated baby. I didn't notice it till I laid on my back, and thought to myself, wow my butt warmed this puppy up big time. Even though I spoke this thought out aloud, Kellie didn't even bat an eye, and shared that the table was heated for the comfort of the patients. THANK YOU!! Obviously a woman thought of this little feature.

Well, 5 quick mins later, I was told, I had no cyst or polyps in my uterus, and it was once again confirmed I have a tilted uterus. Then I was instructed to start taking prenatal vitamins.(free samples? Well don't mind if I do!) Then it was across the hall, to the lab to draw 5 viles of blood-UGH!- Where it took the sweet little gal about 5 mins to find a good vain, but man she popped those bad boys out fast. The next thing I knew, there was a 5 viles starring up at me from the equipment table. Thankfully I didn't faint, and my arm didn't hurt one bit.. It's moments like this, where I say to myself, why aren't there lollipops in the OBGYN's office?! I'm a big girl *refer to beginning of blog* I wore my big girl panties and everything! I treated myself to some granny smith apples. yum.

Now we wait. It's been over a year since we have actively have done anything about my infertility. I know that chances for me conceiving are still slim. I know that the forces of negative infertility are fighting us every step of the way. But, I am okay with that. I have excepted my infertility, and regardless of the fact that currently I cannot bare any children, or well at least I have yet to do so. It doesn't define me. I will be a mom.

I am excited for this new adventure, to be healthy, to finally get my body balanced, and to lose weight. It's time for a change, and to be happy.