Envious..

First off.. I have to explain my title.. I am having birth mother envy.. I see and read all the cute other posting on Facebook, and blogs about adoptive families, with amazing Birthmoms.. and I really wish that Izze's birth mom had been that awesome.. It makes me sad, to think that over a year ago, we had made so many plans, wanted to include her in so many things, and now.. all we have are broken hearts over the relationship we will never have.. I am just hopeful, and have learned so much for the future. The things we want for our children, and the relationships with their birth mothers are key.. We have definately made a list of things we want for the future and how we can better our relationships with birthmoms.. and always, always know that honesty is key.

Alright, on to more eventful things, now that I have gotten that off my chest. My husband and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary yesterday.. Needless to say it makes me one proud wifey to think I made it so far with my sweet husband!

He is my best friend, my gaming buddy, my sidekick, and the best person to take on adventures.. He keeps me grounded when I get a little out of hand, and I am so glad he takes me the way I am..

I love you baby with all my heart.

In other news, we have postponed baby making for now. We have both just come to a cross roads, and feel that having our own biological children will not be a possibility. Which I know for some people is disheartening to hear, espeically since we are still young. But, tomorrow is another day. Right? I am however working on regualting my cycle, and losing weight. If I can't have babies I might as well be fit and sexy right?

Here is to another year baby, of long talks, holidays with our daughter, and enjoying each other. To finishing school, starting our dreams, and improving who we are. So that way when 4 years comes around, we can look back and be proud of what we have accomplished.

My heart is healing..

We are just weeks away from being Sealed to Izzebel.. I called the temple, and have scheduled the event. We also have a couple of weeks under our belts of Izze officially being ours. It's been an amazing couple of weeks. We celebrated Izze's first birthday, which we will have an official celebration at the end of July following our sealing.. We also got Izze's ears pierced, and she did amazing. The gal who did it, was so impressed, Izze barely even cried.. So proud!

It's interesting how in the past year I have worked around what other people want or don't want in regards to Izzebel.. I no longer have to make arrangements for court ordered visitations, or make sure we don't do a single thing with out someones permission. We can do things with out asking a soul.. Just the way it should be. And now.. we are crossing the last thresh hold of being restrained.. I have avoided for a long time letting my personal life become public out of fear of retaliation from our birth mother, and also of fear of harassment. It is something that has plagued the back of my mind for weeks. Days following the birth mother relinquishment I feared picking up my phone, that the birth mother would text demanding to see Izzebel. Although I would not have obliged those request, it still is unsettling to get them..

This afternoon, I got an impression that I needed to search the Salt Lake County Jail records for our birth mother.. I had been doing it on almost a weekly basis the first few following weeks.. But that had dwindled after nothing came to fruition.. Upon discovering that the birth mother was not incarcerated in the SLC county jail, I decided to search for her in obituaries, in the off chance that heaven forbid she had passed.. When I googled her name.. and lo and behold.. the first result.. Her booking in the SLC jail, on June 5th.. I nearly fell over myself running to show my husband the words on the screen.. I finally felt vindicated..

For so long, I felt that the birth mother put on a facade and convinced everyone, that she could do no wrong.. I continually felt that no matter what I said, no matter what proof I had.. No one would believe me.. I finally feel for the first time, that she has no influence in our lives anymore.. I had attempted on several occasions to write about how I felt about our birth mother, and I just never felt like I could get those feelings across properly, especially since I still feared retaliation.. But now. I can breath, and acknowledge that this small piece I was holding on to.. it's gone. I could cry. I am so glad that there is finally relief, and now I can feel that I can truly forgive her, and have pity for her..

Everything has a time, and a season, and now, I can completely love my family, and no longer let her rent a space in my mind..

To our birth mother,

If you ever read this, which I am sure in time you may.. You continually fooled many people, including us. You strung us along, lying, and plotting in hopes to get what you want. DCFS gave you a power, where you felt that you would be victorious-shame on you. This is a little girl, a person. A human being! How dare you use her against us, how dare you toy with our emotions, and how dare you expect immediate forgiveness, for the real pain, and heart ache, you not only cause us.. but another family. You should be ashamed of yourself. Don't you ever blame us for YOUR unhappiness.

We offered you the world, even after you hurt us, and lied to us. We wanted to make it work, and you lied to us. To our faces. In our home! Have no worries about the things we will say about you in the future. We will not allow you to take up space in our minds, or energy into our words. When Izze ask, we will say you loved her. That will be that.. I will never lower myself to speak poorly on your behalf.

You were selfish, you hurt so many people, and I am so glad that I am finally done with you, and can officially wash my hands of you. I will say one last pray for you. To find happiness, to over come your addiction, and for you to have the best life you could possibly have.. and that day we walk into the Temple, and we are sealed to Izzebel.. I will never utter your name again..

The only way, you will ever feel forgiveness from me.. is when you can apologize with a truly humble heart, and identify that the things that took place in this past year, were a result of your actions.

and now.. I feel peace.

just a year..

It's just a year... that's all. But, a year from today seems like a life time.. But to say a year ago today, goes by in the blink of an eye.. Just over a year ago, I was counting down to a special surprise.. What you may now know as days before my little girl was born. In less than a week, that little girl will celebrate her first birthday. I cannot believe that a year has come and gone, and we are on the doorsteps of a new year. So many things have happen. I have experienced pure joy, such as the first time I held Izze, and I have experienced the worst heart break of my life.. The moment we handed Izze to our attorney and he walked away with her.. and then I have experienced the Lords hand in my life in one sweet tender mercy, and miracle. The moment I discovered Izze had been removed from the birthmothers custody, just two days later, and they placed her back in my arms.

My step father was smart enough, the day we lost Izze in November, he took photos. I had not seen these photos, until a few weeks ago.. To see the sorrow on all my families faces, I couldn't even make it through all of the photographs without crying. I know this story ended happily, but at the time, I was convinced I would never see her again, and those emotions come back. I realize more than ever how completely blessed we have been, and how much the Lord intended for Izze to be a part of our eternal family.

Lately, I have been blessed again, by seeing how much this year has truly affected my family around me. I continuelly hear the words " We didn't think it would happen, but that little girl was meant to be in our family".. I know this, I knew this the moment I laid eyes on her, the moment I held her against my chest, even the day we lost her, and I walked away from the court house empty handed, convinced I would never see her again. The very next morning, I looked at Jon, I said "I don't know how, but she will be back in our home within the week" I could never imagine, it would happen less than 48 hours after we had lost her.

Over a year ago, I was concerened with the thought that our family may not be able to love an adopted child.. Would she be excepted? Today, I look at that little girl, and I don't see an adopted child, I don't see a little girl who is not biologically related to me.. I see my daughter. I see my miracle. Sometimes I even forget she is adopted.. That is by far my favorite part.

To my friends and my family, your testamonies of faith and love have truly overwhelmed me. I cannot begin to tell you the gratitude I feel in my heart to have your example in my life. I feel like this year has gone by so quickly, though at the time, it felt like it was dragging. It's gone. the termoil, the stress.. All we have now is the rest of our lives. There were many nights I felt isolated, and alone, but now as the darkness is clearing, I can finally see that I was not alone. There was an army of people behind me. Praying, and fasting with us. Living in this moment with us. I am speechless, I know that the prayers of many move mountains..

We are now, moving forward with our plans to bless Izze, and to have her sealed to our family. I just finished her blessing gown.. I cried a little as I looked at what I had done.. I cannot believe in just a few months she will wear this, and then I will FINALLY feel like this is over.. that the year and some change we waited.. will be over.. We can finally begin our happily ever after..

It's just a year.. just one.

what would you be willing to experience, to go through, to reach your happily ever after?

Kiss my Lime-Dressing

Alright, so I know everyone kinda has a spin-off version of cilantro dressing.. just like the kind at the covetted Cafe Rio.. But, I have been using this recipe for years, and it has been okay.. But today I decided to do something a little different, and I couldn't believe how amazing it was!! We served it at the family dinner and it got mad reviews!!

Ingredients

1 pack (1oz) Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing Mix

Just the packet, no need to worry about the directions on the back..

1 C mayo

1/2 C milk
1 lime-Or Lime juice.. which is was I use..
2 cloves garlic, roughly chopped
1/2 C roughly chopped cilantro*
1/4 C green salsa
hot sauce-to taste

*side note- I am not overly crazy about cilantro.. I used barely any in my recipe, and I just did it to taste.

Alright, nothing too fancy.. I will however say that I have used different green salsa before but the

La Costena was by far the best I have used when it comes to this recipe!!

Alright, pull out your blender, or your bullet.. and empty your ranch packet in.. I know this sounds crazy but trust me.. I did it this way and it made the world of difference..

Add your milk, and blend until the ranch and milk look well blended and the milk has some bubbles.. or looks frothy.. if that's a worth... add your mayo, and your green salsa... and of course blend.. Now ad the garlic..

add lime and hot sauce to taste..

I tasted it after almost every ingredient.. I wanted that perfect blend.. Also, start with a little cilantro.. like not even one Tbs.. it's easier to add than to take away right?

Super easy, and always a favorite. Make sure you make it a couple of hours ahead so you can put it in the fridge to thicken..

Enjoy

For a stellar recipe for Pork Barbacoa to go with your dressing check out this blog HERE.

You can find the blog I got this recipe from HERE.. Mind you I did mine slighty different.