I spoke too soon!

I got an unexpected call from my Gyno office today. Apparently my wonderful nurse practitioner changed her mind on plans we had made last week during my session of phone calls to the office asking about clomid. I was just suppose to call on the first day of my next cycle, have them write me a pretty prescription for hot-flash inducing clomid. But, we have decided to skip this cycle. We are going to test my progesterone levels on day 21 of my next cycle.. Ugh more waiting?!

I hate this part of infertility.. not so much the fact that I can't get pregnant by sneezing.. It's the fact I gotta wait to get pregnant. Or even test to see if I am ovulating..  This totally reminds me.

My sister just celebrated her birthday over the weekend and at the birthday party we played a game called 'What If?' You take a peice of paper and a pen, and write down a what if question. You then fold the paper, and place it in a hat, bowl, whatever. After everyone places their paper in the the bowl, you then devide the papers, hoping you down get the one you put in. If it happens just trade with someone. You then read the new question on your paper, and write down an answer. After everyone has written down their answer, the game really starts.

So say, I read my question. The person to my right read their answer. Sometimes it doesn't make any sense, other times it's hilarious. Any way, back to my story.

So, one of the questions someone wrote down was, 'What if it only took 9 days to have a baby and not 9 months?'. Could you imagine? lol, it would take out all of the waiting.. lol. The only down side is, thinking of how many periods you would have a year?! YIKES!

Alright off to go wait for af to visit me! I hope everyone had a great weekend, and as sad as I am that we will not be finalizing our adoption this week. We are excited to finalize by the end of the month, and hopefully be able to have even more good news! Woot!

I should know better...

Ugh, You would think I would have learned my lesson the first time around.. but noo... I am once again finding myself counting days, and anticipating every movement my cycle makes.. Which as of late is getting harder and harder to do.. It never does anything it's suppose to do.. Shame on you cycle!

Sigh, anyway... This morning, I finally broke down and called to ask the nurse about possibly being proscribed clomid.. Something I am dreading greatly, especially since last time we did this, it was fruitless efforts. I am not looking forward to the next 4 months of possible hot flashes, mood swings-my poor husband, and the potential failure. Although this time, we have a plan. We know what we want to accomplish by the end of the year, and if those things do not happen, we will most likely shut down our efforts to conceive naturally.. At least at this time, since doing ivf, is not a possibility right now. We will most likely continue to journey down our road of adoption, and foster care. Which I am fine with. I know that our chances are slim, but I am willing to give it one last shot!

Alright, here is my kick off to May, more infertility happenings and what not. I know you are just so excited about this. I can tell. I will keep ya posted, since I will most likely start clomid in the next week or two.. Gulp.. not excited...

Once again...

Things have come to a screetching halt.. Our adoption has been pushed back.. We are unsure of when it will take place.. To those who received invites.. They are still good. I will let you know more as soon as I can.. Thank you.

People of the blog

Enjoy... This is gonna be awesome. Oh also those that emailed me about partipating in our picture series I will email you later this week. Thank you everyone!

Picture this (Utah Readers should read this!)

So, I've been doing my little brain storming thing that I love to do.. and I've decided it would be way awesome and wonderful to do an infertility awareness photos series. I would love to find at least a dozen or two couples throughout Utah, and even in Idaho, since I will be traveling there in the next few months, or even California, since I will be there in June. We are also extending this offer to those located in the Houston Texas, as we have a local photographer there willing to volunteer her services! Thanks Bridget!!

We are looking couples who are living with infertility, or have dealt with it at least one point through their relationship. It doesn't matter what the issue was, it doesn't matter if you have children or not, it doesn't matter if said children are biological or not.. I would also like to add, we will offer this to couple who have experienced child loss.

I will be working with my best friend B on this, we hope to finish photographing our series by October.

Please note that we will strive to capture photos that represent your story, and helps others to realize that infertility is real. There are real people experiencing this heart ache, and living with this reality every day.

*We will have model realease forms, and want to remind you that these photos will not be used for profit.* Aslo, this a free to those that are interested. There is no charge what so ever!* 

For those of you willing to participate. As our thank you, we would like to offer you couple/family photos. Or you may save this gift for a later time to do something such as a pregnancy/adoption announcement, or even maternity photos. We can also do a version of "adoption maternity" photos. The ideas are endless.

Thank you for your time, and consideration in this task.

If you're interested in helping with this process, please leave a comment here with your email. I have changed the comment setting so that comments need to be approved before seen by everyone. So your email will remain private.

I need a life jacket..

There are certain laws in every state where there are body of waters that regulate that children of a certain age must always wear a life jacket, and there must be a life jacket available for every person on board. What happens when you don't have a life jacket? What happens when you're alone with no one to rescue you? This week we celebrate and stand as we honor those suffering from infertility, and prepare to pave the road for those yet to come.

In 2009 The World Health Organization officially recognized infertility as a diesease. A diesease which is defined by a couple having unprotected sex for 12 months without protection, and fail to accomplish a pregnany. I know, that for most infertiles, if you are as deep into the water of infertility as I am, this is not news to you. In fact, I attended The Utah Infertility Awareness Event last Saturday, and the thing that made me kinda a giggle, was that almost every represenative that I listen to speak, seem to be repeating the same things that I have heard over the past few years.. I guess, I am still waiting for new things to educate me on our little journey.

When we are little girls, we played house, and dolls. We dress them up, and carry them around, and whisper the same sweet little things our mothers did to us when we were still little. I catch myself sometimes looking at a group of girls, and saying to myself "one in three of you will be infertile". I think if my 5 year old self could see me now.. I'd like to she'd kick my butt for not believing that I will be a mom. But, lets be honest picking up a cabbage patch doll isn't gonna fix things, infact I am sure if I carried around a doll.. people might question my sanity.

I divorced my first husband in 2008. After 2 years of being married, I learned, I had irregular period and a tilted uterus. At this point I felt discouraged about my tilted uterus, especially when I read in books and online that it can cause issues getting pregnant.. I think back now, and laugh-Gee, if that was the ONLY issue I had.

In 2009, I married my best friend, I was thrilled. We already knew that a previous marriage had not given me any children, so we started with the doctors visits early. I was diagnosed with PCOS in October of 2009, and given Metformin. By our 1st anniversary, I still was pregnant. We sought assitance from a fertility specialist, and he referred us to an OBGYN, who could help us, and save cost before we went straight to the top. Between June and September of 2010, I would try 3 rounds of Clomid.. Good news! I ovulate.. bad news. not pregnant. In Late September, I would under go the procedure I like to call the death procedure.. an HSG test- or Hystrosalpingogram.. Yes, I know how to say this, given that I refer to it frequently, I'm a pro. Seriously. WORST. TEST. EVER!!! I am promptly diagnosed with a Unicornuate Uterus.. Ugh. Bad news- affect 1 in 4,000 woman.. Good news. Majority of woman didn't even know they had this issue til they went to have babies, and ended up having c-sections revealing said issue. By the end of October, I am one sad, depressed invidual.. I need to heal..

By the beginning of January 2011, I am starting to come to terms with the potential of being infertile.. I start to embrace my destiny. At this point, I stop taking Metformin, I stop counting days, or peeing on a stick every other day. I just live, and enjoy my life with my husband. Untill.. March 2011.. We get a phone call. My sister called to inform me she had a friend who was interested in placing her baby for adoption, and that wants to know if we would like to meet her... Between March and June, we meet our birth mother, fall in love with her, and on June 12th 2011, I hold my little girl for the first time.

In 2009 when infertility was finally being recognized as a diesease. I was just starting to wade myself into these waters. I felt like that although I had let the water rolls up onto the beach and over my toes.. I backed away, and then ran and leaped into the water, as deep as I could go. I didn't know where to go, or how to start. I felt so over whelmed.

Now in 2012, I am about the celebrate my 3rd wedding anniversary, I will watch my little girl distroy her 1st birthcake. I will kneel across the altar from my sweet husband and we will be sealed to our daughter for eternity. At the end of 2012, I will be grateful. I feel so blessed. I know that my life is still young, and I have so much more that I want to do, and accomplish. I know in my heart that I am a mother, regardless of how my children come to me. My infertility is just a diesease, it is something my body is failing to do. But, my body will never fail me of being able to love, and parent a child. Even if they are not biologically mine.

They are still mine...

Now, once again, I stand on the waters edge.. my toes rubbed down into the sand as the water rolls over my toes.. But this time, I notice something different.. the smell of salt breeze against my face, and the warmth of the sun against my skin. I no longer look at the endless possibilities of my infertility, and I now longer allow it to intimidate me, or make me feel weak. I no longer need a life jacket, because I found the life I was looking for all along.

Infertility is the worst things I have ever had to face. I wouldn't wish this pain upon my worst enemy, no one should ever have to hear those words. Infertile. For many of us, we have been on this journey for years. for others we are just starting out. But regardless, if you need a life jacket, if you feel over whelmed, please ask for assistance, find the support, and don't let your troubles weigh you down..

To the fertiles, infertiles, to everyone who reads my blog. I send you a big hug, and encourage you to hug an infertile this week. They need it. Thank you for the support.

to whom it may concern

I
've decided to no longer post about our adoption until our adoption is finalized.. I am have also decided to stop my count down. It has come to my attention that our birth mother has been looking for my blog, and attempting to find the date of our adoption. I wish we were on better terms, and that we could invite her to celebrate with us.. 
Not, that this is a bad thing... We would just like to enjoy our day of celebration when the time comes without any unnecessary drama. Thank you