No excuses!

Alright, alright.. I know.. I am bad..
I went almost the entire summer without blogging once.. and I bet you are all wondering what the heck I have been up to, or maybe even wondering if I was still alive.. No worries, I am still kickin'.

We have had such an amazing summer, and cannot believe it is almost over! We finalized our adoption.. Hurray! We celebrated Izzebel's first birthday.. We got to visit with family that we haven't seen in ages.. and last but not least.. we got to take our sweet baby girl to the temple and be sealed to her..
It was truly amazing.. I cried the whole time.. Like I do in everything else.. What can I say.. I am a big ol' cry baby!-ask my husband..

We also, went to the water park, one too many times, Izzebel took her first swimming lessons, her first steps, and started saying a few words. We adore her, and cannot imagine life without her. I will post a few pictures in the next few days of everything we got to do this summer!

Also, this summer.. I started a new job working graves, it's hard getting use to staying up all night, but I am liking it so far. We also started looking into regulating my cycle and getting my body to ovulate.. I am still taking my metformin, and I am currently on my second cycle of clomid.. I do however have to say, that journey is a whole other post just because there is so much to tell, that just breezing over it right now, just wouldn't be fair..

I am loving life right now. I have a wacky little family, and we aren't perfect by any means.. But I love them like crazy. I am so glad that we are finally over with our long ordeal, and that for the first time in a long time, I feel normal. Now I am wrapped up in looking forward to Holidays, snow, baking, making memories with my sweet little family. I love adoption, and I love what it has done for our family, and I am so grateful for this whole experience.

Thank you for reading, and for being patient with me, as I slowly get back into the swing of things. There will be more post, more FREQUENT post.. and lots of good things to come..


I can't wait..

My heart is healing..

We are just weeks away from being Sealed to Izzebel.. I called the temple, and have scheduled the event. We also have a couple of weeks under our belts of Izze officially being ours. It's been an amazing couple of weeks. We celebrated Izze's first birthday, which we will have an official celebration at the end of July following our sealing.. We also got Izze's ears pierced, and she did amazing. The gal who did it, was so impressed, Izze barely even cried.. So proud!

It's interesting how in the past year I have worked around what other people want or don't want in regards to Izzebel.. I no longer have to make arrangements for court ordered visitations, or make sure we don't do a single thing with out someones permission. We can do things with out asking a soul.. Just the way it should be. And now.. we are crossing the last thresh hold of being restrained.. I have avoided for a long time letting my personal life become public out of fear of retaliation from our birth mother, and also of fear of harassment. It is something that has plagued the back of my mind for weeks. Days following the birth mother relinquishment I feared picking up my phone, that the birth mother would text demanding to see Izzebel. Although I would not have obliged those request, it still is unsettling to get them..

This afternoon, I got an impression that I needed to search the Salt Lake County Jail records for our birth mother.. I had been doing it on almost a weekly basis the first few following weeks.. But that had dwindled after nothing came to fruition.. Upon discovering that the birth mother was not incarcerated in the SLC county jail, I decided to search for her in obituaries, in the off chance that heaven forbid she had passed.. When I googled her name.. and lo and behold.. the first result.. Her booking in the SLC jail, on June 5th.. I nearly fell over myself running to show my husband the words on the screen.. I finally felt vindicated..

For so long, I felt that the birth mother put on a facade and convinced everyone, that she could do no wrong.. I continually felt that no matter what I said, no matter what proof I had.. No one would believe me.. I finally feel for the first time, that she has no influence in our lives anymore.. I had attempted on several occasions to write about how I felt about our birth mother, and I just never felt like I could get those feelings across properly, especially since I still feared retaliation.. But now. I can breath, and acknowledge that this small piece I was holding on to.. it's gone. I could cry. I am so glad that there is finally relief, and now I can feel that I can truly forgive her, and have pity for her..

Everything has a time, and a season, and now, I can completely love my family, and no longer let her rent a space in my mind..

To our birth mother,

If you ever read this, which I am sure in time you may.. You continually fooled many people, including us. You strung us along, lying, and plotting in hopes to get what you want. DCFS gave you a power, where you felt that you would be victorious-shame on you. This is a little girl, a person. A human being! How dare you use her against us, how dare you toy with our emotions, and how dare you expect immediate forgiveness, for the real pain, and heart ache, you not only cause us.. but another family. You should be ashamed of yourself. Don't you ever blame us for YOUR unhappiness.

We offered you the world, even after you hurt us, and lied to us. We wanted to make it work, and you lied to us. To our faces. In our home! Have no worries about the things we will say about you in the future. We will not allow you to take up space in our minds, or energy into our words. When Izze ask, we will say you loved her. That will be that.. I will never lower myself to speak poorly on your behalf.

You were selfish, you hurt so many people, and I am so glad that I am finally done with you, and can officially wash my hands of you. I will say one last pray for you. To find happiness, to over come your addiction, and for you to have the best life you could possibly have.. and that day we walk into the Temple, and we are sealed to Izzebel.. I will never utter your name again..

The only way, you will ever feel forgiveness from me.. is when you can apologize with a truly humble heart, and identify that the things that took place in this past year, were a result of your actions.

and now.. I feel peace.

just a year..

It's just a year... that's all. But, a year from today seems like a life time.. But to say a year ago today, goes by in the blink of an eye.. Just over a year ago, I was counting down to a special surprise.. What you may now know as days before my little girl was born. In less than a week, that little girl will celebrate her first birthday. I cannot believe that a year has come and gone, and we are on the doorsteps of a new year. So many things have happen. I have experienced pure joy, such as the first time I held Izze, and I have experienced the worst heart break of my life.. The moment we handed Izze to our attorney and he walked away with her.. and then I have experienced the Lords hand in my life in one sweet tender mercy, and miracle. The moment I discovered Izze had been removed from the birthmothers custody, just two days later, and they placed her back in my arms.

My step father was smart enough, the day we lost Izze in November, he took photos. I had not seen these photos, until a few weeks ago.. To see the sorrow on all my families faces, I couldn't even make it through all of the photographs without crying. I know this story ended happily, but at the time, I was convinced I would never see her again, and those emotions come back. I realize more than ever how completely blessed we have been, and how much the Lord intended for Izze to be a part of our eternal family.

Lately, I have been blessed again, by seeing how much this year has truly affected my family around me. I continuelly hear the words " We didn't think it would happen, but that little girl was meant to be in our family".. I know this, I knew this the moment I laid eyes on her, the moment I held her against my chest, even the day we lost her, and I walked away from the court house empty handed, convinced I would never see her again. The very next morning, I looked at Jon, I said "I don't know how, but she will be back in our home within the week" I could never imagine, it would happen less than 48 hours after we had lost her.

Over a year ago, I was concerened with the thought that our family may not be able to love an adopted child.. Would she be excepted? Today, I look at that little girl, and I don't see an adopted child, I don't see a little girl who is not biologically related to me.. I see my daughter. I see my miracle. Sometimes I even forget she is adopted.. That is by far my favorite part.

To my friends and my family, your testamonies of faith and love have truly overwhelmed me. I cannot begin to tell you the gratitude I feel in my heart to have your example in my life. I feel like this year has gone by so quickly, though at the time, it felt like it was dragging. It's gone. the termoil, the stress.. All we have now is the rest of our lives. There were many nights I felt isolated, and alone, but now as the darkness is clearing, I can finally see that I was not alone. There was an army of people behind me. Praying, and fasting with us. Living in this moment with us. I am speechless, I know that the prayers of many move mountains..

We are now, moving forward with our plans to bless Izze, and to have her sealed to our family. I just finished her blessing gown.. I cried a little as I looked at what I had done.. I cannot believe in just a few months she will wear this, and then I will FINALLY feel like this is over.. that the year and some change we waited.. will be over.. We can finally begin our happily ever after..

It's just a year.. just one.

what would you be willing to experience, to go through, to reach your happily ever after?

it's just the beginning.. finally..

 We made it.. I don't think I have ever been so excited for any one day in my life-well minus my wedding day, but lets face it.. this one had a rather large build up.. We finalized our adoption today. After a long battle to get here, and with many ups and down, and multiple delays. We are finally, OFFICIALLY a family.. I only mean official by legal standards.. I already knew we were a family otherwise.

We were up bright and early getting ready.. I knew Izze would need a bath so I went in and distrubed her slumber..

As you can clearly tell.. she wasn't one bit upset about getting up so early. I think she could feel the excitement.. It's not everyday mom gets her up this early AND lets her take a bath! Needless to say we were ready like twenty mins before we even needed to leave. She was wearing the most adoarble blue dress. It looked amazing on her. And her hair peice matched. Oh too perfect.

Here is Izze with the Judge finalizing the adoption and making it official. Izze loved this part. Mainly because she got to play with the pen, quickly followed by the judge letting her play with the gavel.

During the whole ordeal, I was a little anxious, nervous that some other hiccups would pop up, even as the judge spoke, and acknowledge that as difficult as it was back in November to give Izze back to her birth mother, the judge was only following the law. The judge, then proceeded to tell us, that making that decision was not easy, that she could see how emotionally devastated we were when she made the ruling.. But, she said she will never forget what the court clearks told her the day we got Izze back.. The clerks had informed the judge that Izze's face lit up when the dcfs worker came around the corner and she saw me for the first time in almost 48 hours. Of course I cried even more.

I feel so over whelmed with emotions today, and cannot believe that we are finally done. That things are official, and our little Izze is finally a Mathie..

This was such an amazing experience. I feel so blessed to have been given this opportunity, and that my friends and family could be there to support us today. There was so much love in that courtroom. Compared to the one time when we sat so grief striking as the judge told us we had to return Izze.. The Lord truly works miracles. I have never seen the Lords hand more powerfully than in other time in my life.

I want to share one more thing and then I will leave my computer behind for the day and go snuggle my girl.

A few days after we lost Izze, and then she was so quickly returned to us. I was filling out her baby book we have, and I realized I had never looked up the mean of Izze's name.. Believe me, when I say how shocked I was to discover the meaning of her name was: God's Promise..

As I read those words I knew the Lord had intended for this little girl to be part of our family. Why else would he allow for so many trials, followed by so many blessings.

We love you Izzebel.

I am so happy to be your mommy, now, and always.

twiddling my thumbs...

Alright, so I haven't been on here for a while.. I have been taking my time, convincing myself I had something to write about.. Well, I do, I just can't write about it yet... But, we are still waiting to finalize our adoption, we are eager and excited with anticipation. I can't believe we are so close...

Other than that things are just as busy as every around here. We are having lots of fun and exciting things happening, and we cannot wait for summer to get here. We even enrolled Izze in swim lessons. this little girl loves water so much, I just know she is going to love being in the pool.

In fact I spoke with the swim instructor on the phone the other day, and the gal asked me if Izze took naps during the day so we could cordinate a swim time.. I laughed and told her no matter what time it is, no matter how cold the water is.. This little girl will be the first one in the pool, and the last one out. Serioulsy we set the pool up the other day, and my best friend B and her little girl came over.. The water was freezing, and there was a slight breeze, so it didn't make things any better.. Izze was so instant in getting in the pool, and even after her little teeth started to chatter, she didn't want to get out.. It was adorable.

Thankfully we purchased those pass of all passes- if you aren't from Utah these things are amazing. You buy one pass, and you get into free at all sorts of places, sports games, fun centers, a local water park, the works. It had already paid for it's self.. well we bought ours on sale for $10.. so yes, it already paid for it's self, but we will be able to go to the water park as often as we want, and I am positive Izze will love it!

Okay, please keep checking back for updates, and happenings. I promise I will be posting our adoption story as soon as I can!

Also, a quick thank you to everyone who came out to our party. Thank you for your support! We love you guys!

less than a month

Yup, that is all that stands in the way of Jon and I signing that paper, and that is all the stands in the way of us being parents to this little girl forever.. I am so over whelmed by so many emotions.. I have been typing up our adoption story the past week, and typing those words onto my little lap top, bring up so many emotions. Reliving the horrible events that took place in November, up to the wonderful, stress releiving moment when I witnessed the birth mother signing the relinquishment papers.. There was a period of time I didn't think we would ever get here. I have tried on several occasions to ask my husband about when we are sealed to Izze, or when we get to bless her. Or how even discussing future vacation plans was a touchy subject.. How would we enjoy a vacation without our daugher? I have cried almost every day the past week.. sometimes out of hurt for the things we went through, other times for feeling so blessed and loved.. Thankfully the spirit has been a constant companion to me.

I have however had the good fortune of several months ago deciding to follow this amazing blog, and facebook page of one the most chique and funny, infertilie/adoptive momma.. that I have ever had the good fortune of reading. I'll call her Mrs. R.. Little did I know, that I would need to read her blog now more than ever. She and her husband recently went through an adoption scam, of being approached by a young lady, who alledgedly was interested in placing a babygirl with said couple. Later they found out, it was a facade, and a scam. Not only that.. This young lady has scammed as of last count 11 others.. :( As I read her blog yesterday, the words rang so true to me on so many different levels. Looking back in retro spective.. All I can think is that our birth mother scammed us too. Although there was a child, and we did bring her home, and eventually were able to successfully have her placed with us.. We know that the birth mother promised another couple the same thing, and who knows if there are more or not. I would like to talk more about our situation, but feel that it is best to wait till May when I can release our adoption story.. which will take place in a series of post.. It's a long story.

I have so many emotions running through me.. I wanna be mad, thinking about what she has done to our family, the hurt, the mistrust.. The fact that we will not be able to have a relationship with her, and we fear that Izze may suffer in the future.. Don't get me wrong, I forgive our birth mother M, I am sad for her. Sad, that she felt that in some way we were the right family, and how she lied to us so many times, and made us feel hopeful.. Only later to find the truth, and her to have no remorse.

I read Mrs. R's blog, and I got birth mother envy-if there is such a thing.. I also got adoptive parent envy of Mrs.R.. She is amazing, and does the most wonderful things every month for her birth mothers.. I want so badly to have a relationship like that with our birth mother, but I fear to allow myself to trust that she will not be completely honest with us in the future. I don't even want to take the risk, and have it come back to bite me in the rump-cheek.. so to speak. We love our birth mother for what she has given us. Our daughter is truly a blessing to our lives. I love watching her learn, and giggle, and play. I just think to myself, CAN SHE GET ANY CUTER?! It breaks my heart to know that things could have been different, that our birth mother felt the need to lie to us so many times, and to drag this process out. We wanted nothing more than to have a wonderful relationship with her, and enjoy an open adoption, that our daughter could truly feel the love around all her.

We are faced with many uncertain things for our future.. Will we try to fix our relationship with our birth mother M? Will Izze want to know her, meet her? How do we go about telling Izze of our experience? I am so grateful for one thing.. I grew up in a single parent home, where my mother played both roles on a constant basis.. My mother never once spoke poorly of my father-she felt it was not her place to make our break that relationship.. I respect my mother, and appreciate that lesson. We will never speak poorly of M, we will let Izze make the decisions on what she wishes to pursue in that matter. But, we will educate her, and prepare her for things she may discover along the way. I am not perfect, I know.. But, I love my daughter, and I want her to know that although her birth mother made poor decisions in her life.. She still loves Izze too. I have to constantly remind myself of this.. Especially on the days when I feel angry about what we went through.

I am so grateful for the support, and to find others have been down this same path, and to find words that I can relate to. I am more than looking forward to our sealing in the next few months. I love this amazing little girl. I love what adoption has done for our family.

Please feel free to read Mrs. R's wonderful blog. There is a lot of information there on adoption, both for adoptive families, and birth parents. She is amazing! Check it our HERE.

Anticipation..

We have less than a month before we go before a judge and sign the papers.. Less than a month till the state of Utah will recognize Jon and I as Izze's parents- Legally!! It will be legit! This feeling that I have in my heart, will be perminant, and on paper!! Is it sad that, I am already planning her 'gotcha' party, and I am already planning her blessing day, her birthday, and the day we intend to be sealed to her...

Every time I picture Jon and I kneeling across the alter from one another, and them bringing Izze to us, I get a little choked up.. I know when that day comes, I will be a mess. Thank goodness I have already invested in waterproof mascara..

I have had so many plans sitting on the back burner for so long, that I can hardly believe that they will soon be put into motion. The fabric I have waiting to sewn into her blessing/sealing dress. that I have been hiding in a drawer out of fear of it being a wasted purchase.. I can finally sit down to put some thread through it, and complete my vision.. My little girl will be walking by then. No tiny infant to swaddle in dad's arms as he blesses her.. But, it doesn't matter. Regardless of how old she is, in the end we will be an eternal family.

And yes, that will be on paper too. To everyone I have seemed to ignored these past few months.. I apologize. I haven't been the best friend that I could be, and I have slacked in a lot of places. But, forgive me, there were things on my mind, burdens on my shoulders, and now I am free of the shackles that bound my wrist, and my heart.

I love this new journey that we are about to start. I know I am Izze's momma in my heart, and now it feels all brand new again, because I can look at her and say. I AM your momma, FOREVER!!! I love this little girl, and I love how complete she makes our family. I cannot imagine my life without her. I love how much my husband loves her, and what a wonderful father he is. I know in the beginning he was so scared of messing something up. He is the youngest of 3 boys and had no experience when it came to babies. But, I promised him that Izze was too young to know the difference.. that and she didn't really have anything to compare his parenting style to.. lol. He would roll his eye, and then I would reassure him, his mother and I would be there the entire time to hold his hand. He has done better than I think he ever anticipated, and I am pretty sure he has no idea how much I enjoy watching him love, and teach our little girl, and how every time my heart swells with love.

Again thank you everyone for your support, and above all I wish to share my love and gratitude for the Lord and his hand that he played in our journey along the way. I have been humbled, and blessed, and my testimony has grown with the things I have witnessed and experienced.

With eager hearts and goals in site.. I am eager to share the next few months with you, and to bring you up to date in May. Thank you for your patience.

I can breath....

As many of you already know... It finally happened!!!!! No, I'm not pregnant... But we do have some good news in regards to our daughter... Our birth mother finally relinquished her rights. The battle is over we no longer have to fight. Sigh... Relief. We will be looking to finalize our adoption by May.. Then in July we will finally take our sweet baby girl to the temple and we will be sealed for eternity as a family... I cannot believe we are that close. It has been a long hard journey filled with so many ups and downs.. I will finally be able to blog about our amazing story starting in May so look for those post. Thank you for the support the love and the never ending prayers. We love each and everyone of you and are thrilled to be abke to share this news with you. Thank you again.

with heavy hearts..

This morning was the worst morning I have ever had... I woke up to silence. The court failed to see that Izzebel would be in immediate danger if returned to the birth mother, and against all of the argurments we made, and how hard we fought for her. We unwillingly handed over our beautiful 5 month old daughter, and they placed her back in the arms of the birthmother. We are devastated. We waited so long to be blessed with a child, and when it finally happen I couldn't believe how blessed we were..and now.. I feel empty.

There is no worst feeling in the world, than feeling innadiquate to care for a child.. I know I shouldn't feel so low about things, but really?! I spent over two years praying for a child, and we get blessed through this adoption, and now we have nothing to show for our en deavours'... I have never felt so defeated in my life..

We have lost faith in our legal system, what we thought would work for us, and that we would prevail, we have been terribly disappointed. But, above this, we need to pray for Izze. We need to pray for her safety, that she may be kept from harm. We love her so much, and cannot even imagine the confusion that she is going through, or the hurt... We know she is young, but she knows who we are. Thank you for all of your prayers... Sorry for not keeping you updated, and that you are coming to find out that after all the months, we no longer have our sweet baby.

We love you Izzebel, and we know we will see each other again...

You are probably wondering

I was just thinking to myself... You are all probably wondering about how we came to adopt Izzebel. I know I hadn't talked about it, or well I had mentioned in passing that we were open to it. Although there are many of you who read my blog, you probably still want to know.

Back in March I received a phone call from my sister, telling me she had a friend who was interested in placing her baby for adoption, and wanted to know if we were interested, and if we would like to meet her. I didn't even hesitate, and I said yes. Two days later I met our birth-mom. I look back now, and think, people don't just get a phone call like that. We weren't even going through an agency, we had thought about starting the adoption process next summer, but hadn't really gone past that.

April came, I got to go to the doctors with our birth-mom, and I heard sweet Izze's heart beat. I cried a little, and I just felt so blessed. Back while we were waiting it seemed the days, and the weeks seemed to crawl by. We told friends, and family, merely so we could have the prayers and support. But, I felt I didn't want to risk actually putting it in writing at risk of it not being true.

It truly happened so quickly, and seemed to go off without a hitch, we found a lawyer, we had an in-home study done, we did the background checks, and seriously, one thing after the next fell into place for us. It really seemed to good to be true, things like this just don't happen to people like me.

Then June was here, and we were counting the days. She was due the 11th, and that afternoon we went with the birth-mom to the park and we walked around to encourage labor. I felt so beyond blessed, I felt like we had a good relationship with her, and that things we going to be great. The next morning, before anyone could even make it to the hospital. Izzebel entered the world in the backseat of a Saturn, in the hospital parking lot. I guess at that point she really wanted to be here. We got to be the first ones into the nursery, and I got to hold her, and feed her. I don't think I have ever cried so much out of joy. It truly was so emotional in so many ways.

These last 6 weeks of Izze's little life have been the most emotional, trying, and fearful weeks, days, moments of my life. The birth mother has changed her mind, more then once, and now we are left to fight for our family. To say we are hurt is an understatement. We truly felt that love and trust was both a mutual understanding and that Izze was going to grow up knowing everyone loved her.

We are now standing at a new door, preparing to knock, and about to step forward onto our new journey. We only pray that we are brave enough to fight, and strong enough to en dour.

Again, thank you for the prayers, the support, and above all, the love. We wouldn't be here with out it.

Our Birth Mother

*Before you read this- we want you to know, we in no way habor ill feelings toward our birth mother. True, our hearts our hurting, and we feel frustration, but please find it in your heart to feel peace, and to pray for our birth mother. She loves Izze, just as much as we do.*


Today was the court hearing for the birth mother to wave her parental rights. We were dreading this day, and looking forward to it. Hoping that only good news could come from this meeting. But alas, within a few minutes of walking through the door of the court house, we knew something was wrong. We hadn't fully expected the birth mother to show up, but she did, and when I went to acknowledge her, and say hello, she couldn't even look at me. We knew then, that it wasn't going to go as smooth as we had thought.

We got into the court room, and within a few minutes were seated at our tables. The judge came in, and after a few short comments he, turned to the birth mother and asked if she gave her consent, and she replied, she did not. It broke my heart to hear her say that. It was then followed by several accusations in regards to us lying to her, denying her visitation, ect. It was hard to sit there and listen to the things she had to say. Especially after I feel we have been more than fair to her during this whole procedure.

The judge then turned, and told us that we should petition for the parental rights to be revoked, and that we should do it as soon as possible. He then signed a court order stating that we would have temporary custody during the proceedings. My heart sank, as I sat and listened to the birth mother complain to her group of supportors. That she felt she had choosen the wrong family to adopt her child, or that she was sincerely bitter for what we had supposidly done to her.

We don't want to fight, we want these to be peaceful proceedings, and for everyone to be happy. It's hard to believe that less than 5 months ago, we didn't even have the intentions of having a child by the 4th of July. We could have never imagined that our lives would change with just a phone call.

I love our birth mother, I love what she has done for us, she brought us that much closer to being a family. She helped a part of our dream come true. Something that we had been struggling to do on our own for over two years, she gave to us. We love our little girl, and I cannot imagine her not being with us. We have so many hopes and dreams for the future, and want the birth mother to share those milestones with us.

We are currently asking for prayers, and for a participation to fast this Sunday. Not just for peaceful proceedings, but for the birth mother to find peace in her heart, and joy in her decision.

Thank you all for your support, and for your understanding, we have truly been blessed with love, and unconditional support from those around us, family, friends, and strangers united.

Welcome to the family Izzebel

I am so very proud today!! We took our newborn photos, with Izze, and although she didn't sleep at all, she was wide awake, and very well behaved. So cute!!

It has been such an emotional roller coaster, and I know that we are not done yet, we still have another six months before it's done and over, and but thus far, I am enjoying every minute of it, and I still cannot believe we have a daughter. I didn't realize that after such a short period of time, I already feel like she was meant to be here, and that she was missing from our lives this whole time. Mind you, I miss my sleep, doing my hair or makeup, or even cleaning my house.. But, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I feel so utterly blessed, I can't even see straight.

In the first two weeks of Izzebel's life, she has over come the hard part of her withdrawals, gained weight, left the hospital, met some of her cousins, aunts and uncles, her great grandparents, her grandparents, and even the two family dogs that only visit every now and then. I am so over whelmed by the out pour of support, and love that has been showen to us. I was truly worried that people would not be as excepting, but truly, I feel as if I physically had her, and that she was always meant to be with our family.

I cry a little inside when I think of what a blessing this has been in our lives, and we are so grateful to our birth mother for being so brave, and loving, and to allow us this amazing opportunity to adopt Izzebel. I cannot wait to watch her grow, and to walk, talk, or actually smile back at me, instead of sleepy smiles, or gas bubbles. But, she can stay little for now.

She is changing every day, I litterally see it right before my eyes. I am truly amazed. We love her, and know that this was truly a once in a life time opportunity. I cannot wait to be sealed to her in this next year, and to officialy know she is part of our eternal family.

Again, thank you for the prayers, thoughts, wellwishes, gifts, and the many many visits. We love and appreciate all of you!

We are adopting!!!!

I know you have been waiting anxiously....

Introducing...

Izzebel Cadence Mathie
Born June 12th at 830 am
18 1/2" long 6.5 lbs.




She is beautiful, and we love her already... So sorry that it has taken me so long to post, but truly this has been a very emotional week..

Izzebel is a methadone baby.. meaning, her birthmother made some not so good choices at the beginning of the pregnancy, but then started treatment for her drug abuse. Which means methadone.. I know you are probably going oh my gosh why whould she do that?! But, if she had not done methadone... Izzebel could have died... So, it was a good thing.. Unfortunately, poor Izze has been in the hospital over a week now, but we are hoping and praying that we will be able to bring her home Friday.

She truly is a fighter, and amazes me every day..

So, this has been a very trying week to say the least. A lot of up's and down's, and currently we are all asking that you please pray for us, Izzebel, and for the sweet birthmother. We want this to go smoothly, and would love nothing more then to bring Izze home.

Thank you for your support, prayers, and visits. We wouldn't have made it this far without the help of those around us. Especially our family. We love you guys.

I'm only human

So, on days like today, where time seems to move just a little bit slower, and it seems like there is really nothing to do.. I sit... and I day dream.

I just to think about what it would be like if you had a baby, or a child for that matter. I get excited about it, and then I think about my infertility, and then I get a little sad. But, as time goes by, I am slowly starting to think more positively towards the aspect of adoption. I like to think about adoption, I like to think about that dream I had a few months ago, obviously very vivid, and inspirational.

When I was growing up, I remember saying "I don't want to adopt, I'd rather have my own biological children".. Yeah, I think if I could travel through space, I'd kick myself, all things considered I never thought I would be one of those gals standing on the outside looking in. It sucks, yeah, but honestly, I feel like my attitude is improving about the whole situation, and I am just starting to understand, that although my plan for being a mother may have changed, the ultimate goal has not.

Tonight, while I was babysitting, and the little boy I tend to was sitting on my lap, we were watching Monsters Inc. Jon had attempted to get little D, to sit with him again like last week, and little D, was haven't none of that, and that's when I say the little ting of jealousy flash across my sweet hubby's face. I turned to Jon, and asked him if this made him wanted children, Jon blushed, and looked away, and held up his fingers telling me just a little bit. I think, this is truly one of the first times, since we have really put an effort to have children, that Jon has shown that much interest. I truly feel, he is ready to be a dad, and I had to joke back tears, like I am doing now.

So, for today, I am grateful to be a "parent" I may not have any children right now, biological or not. But in small ways, every now and then, I get to show love to one of God's little spirits. Sitting on the ground, terribly uncomfortable, my back aching, but little D, was just enjoying himself, and rather loved sitting on my lap. I cannot wait for my children to just enjoy sitting on my lap, watching Monsters Inc. with Jon and me. I love them already, and they aren't even here, yet.

So, for every time you want to pull your hair our, cause the kids are driving you crazy, just remember there are so many women who would die for that. We are truly blessed, and I am reminded often that the Lord only gives us trials he knows we can handle, and sometimes open a window, to give a little glance of heaven.

It's about LOVE

So, I was surfing the web, get my blog-stalk on. I just recently started following this blog. Unfortunately before I could even get addicted, she posted a blog stating she was ending her blog.. I am kind of sad. But seriously if you want a good life, and a brief idea of how SOME Mormon women act, you should read her blog. You should know however, it is completely made up, and it's just a mock-blog, more or less.

Well, why I was browsing her blog, I noticed a few buttons. Family looking to adopt. I know I already was showing support for one gal-pal looking to adopt, but I thought, why not set up a page, and allow anyone who is looking to adopt the chance to have their button up. So, if you, or someone you know is looking to adopt, and they have a button, send them to my page, tell them to drop me a line, and I will get your button up.

I think it would be awesome to perhaps highlight an adopting couple every now and then, and want to really help get the word out.

I know one day, that my husband will be that couple, the oh-so cute blog, with our story, and our button. So, I figured if I want the love shared for us, I would to share the lovin' for everyone else!

what I saw, what I've seen..

So, shortly after my last post, I had a dream. I dreamt that my husband and I had decided to adopt. In my dream I was very pleased about our decision, and excited for the new adventure.

In my dream, it played out quickly, but is still so vivid in my mind that if I close my eyes. I can see everything, and imagine how I was feeling at that moment. Shortly, after we made the decision to adopt, something happened. We were picked, and not just picked, I mean like it was fast. I wasn't even prepared for a baby, in my dream I was freaking out because I didn't have any diapers to even change the baby's bottom. A friend of mine, came with me and we picked up my new infant son, Erick.. I don't know how the name Erick came up, I have only ever known one, and that was from elementary school.

So, in my dream, I am buckling my baby into his cart seat in the back of my car, and we smiled at me. I could see his beautiful blue eyes, and his gorgeous smile. I even remember thinking "wow, everyone was right, they still end up looking like you". The next thing I knew we were driving around, and I was freaking oout, because the baby had a poopie diaper, and I didn't have diapers, and I kept thinking. I am a terrible mother, I don't even have anything to change his diaper with.

I woke up shortly after I turned around in my seat, to stare at his cart seat in the back of the car. I rememeber thinking, I love this baby, and it's gonna be okay..

I feel kind of foolish after having this dream. It's true the Lord really knows how to comfort. I needed this dream, no tiny whisper of hope was enough. I needed my own personal movie played out for me.

I am just glad it came when it did, a day after aunt flow graced me with her presence, and I was feeling a little down in the mouth. But, I awoke that morning feeling more peace, and hope about my infertility, than I have in a long time.

fear, and rationalizing...

Today, I am afraid.. I am afraid that my biggest fear, may soon be realized. That the length span I have allowed between waiting and adopting will quickly dissolve, and two years will have instantly passed, and I am facing adoption. I am not so much afraid of adopting, I am just afraid of everything involved. Like waiting, or not being choosen, or being choosen and then later deciding not. But, I am also afraid that I won't be able to love an adopted child as much as, my biological children, or that the child could not love me back.

I know these are things, that many people will try to push from my mind, or bring me some sort of comfort, but for right now, and I am sure for a while. I am afraid, afraid of never being a mother, by my own means, or by adoption. My greatest fear, is never being a mother...