Cd:32, and October plans..

Well as of two days ago, the pregnancy test was still negative.. I am pretty sure this cycle was another cycle my body is protesting getting pregnant. But, I wasn't expecting miracles. Well, I take that back.. the fact my body even got above a 1.0 on my progesterone blood draw, that is a miracle. I will tell you this.. I no longer trust opk's, my cervical mucus, or my cervix positioning.. really.. I feel like it changes every month.. And we tried the whole temping thing.. my husband wasn't very committed. lol. So, thank goodness for the blood draw, and then just being intimate every other day works for me. A lot less stress.. Alright coming back from my strayed conversation.

I plan on calling the dr office Monday, and asking for a progesterone suppository. I fear that with my progesterone being so low, that even if I did get pregnant my body would supply enough to sustain the pregnancy. So step one.

-Insure your body has enough progesterone all the time, to insure pain inducing death cramps..

Also, for the month of October, besides extensive hot flashes, and moods swing.. I have decided to stop eating bad sugar.. You know the kind from my coveted Diet Coke, *sniff* and my much needed grave yard shift energy drink *sniff, sniff*, and all the other really bad junk for your body. I have been doing a ton of reading, and I realized my body thrives off of bad sugars! It's true, I can be doing so well on a diet, and then my brain goes "Oh Brownie! You can have JUST one"-Fail. What most people fail to realize, like I was.. That brownie starts one nasty vicious cycle, and later on your body is craving it again.. So, I am gonna be committed. If you see me, and I happen to be holding a delicious maple bar donut, slap it outta my hand! So on to number two.

-Make sure you hate everyone by going through, caffine, and sugar withdrawals for the first week of clomid 150mg. -Great..

Sometimes I question my sanity. But, I now it's gonna be worth it. I have to change something.

Recently a few months back, maybe I told you.. I was diagnosed with Klippel-Feil Syndrome.. which you can read about HERE. I am pretty sure that this condition, along with my unicornuate uterus, play a role in one another existence. Basically, in a nutshell.. My spine is no bueno.. and I need to not be so dang fat, to improve my chances of being able to walk for the remainder of my life..Not to self: Don't go reading crap about syndrome during blog posting it just freaks ya out.

Alright, so here is to really changing how I eat, and getting knocked up in October.. I could totally handle another summer baby! Okay lover faces, hope this motivates you to eat less sugar. Or eat more, either way. I mean you could eat an extra cookie on my behalf, just saying..

my summer in a nutshell

So, recently I have greatly avoided blogging about myself. Especially my infertility journey, mostly because my journey had more or less hit a bump in the road, and there were pieces laying strewn about the ground that desperately needed to be picked up, and I had no idea where to begin.  As the dust has settled, and I am climbing back up to stand on my feet. I am anxious for this new journey. Especially since I now feel I am much more capable hands, compared to the last time we attempted anything in regards to our infertility.

Well the last time I left you with any details, we were just getting ready to do an un-medicated cycle. Which by the way, they drew my blood on cd:21.. my progesterone was a .2.. That's right. My body didn't even think about ovulating.. I only cried for a half hour. Put on my big girl panties.. waited 14 more days took a hpt to rule out a pregnancy-Waste of money. Then started progesterone.. which gives me the period from hell, including death cramps. The next cycle, so July. We started out with 50mg of clomid cd 3-5. Which, I wasn't anticipating any miracles with 50mg as I never even got a positive opk the last time I tried the 50mg.. but Kellie, wanted to start out slow.. STORY OF MY LIFE! Well.. cd:21.. progesterone. A whole whoppin' .8.. That's it.. my body barely nudged. I cried a bit longer that time.. waited another 14 days, took another hpt- more wasted money. Started progesterone, and my period promptly arrived the next day. Side Note: after informing the nurse of how quickly my period started after only one day of progesterone. She informed me, that means I was going to start on my own, and that the progesterone did absolutely nothing to help.. Okay so that was a little bit of good news.

Well, on to August, with 100mg of clomid. Have you noticed, both times I have taken clomid just happened to be in the two hottest months of the year.. I highly recommend you take clomid, or another other hot flash inducing medication during the winter.. So cd:21 rolled around on the 12th of Sept, so just about a week ago.. My progesterone.. drum roll please?! 5.6!!!!!! That's right! Not only did my body respond, it was a huge jump from the last month!! So, as my spidey Internet senses tell me... anything above a 5 on or around cd 21.. usually means you are currently ovulating.. Don't take my word for it, as almost every site I read on it, seemed to have a different answer. However, a late ovulation, is much better than no ovulation. Phew!

But, this explains so much! I really wish that I had made my previous doctor do blood work, instead of just assuming the 100mg was sufficient. We intend on doing another round or two of clomid bumping it up to 150mg next month. Which I am not thrilled about, but it makes me hopeful that we could potentially be successful on a higher dose. Although, at this point.. Lets be honest.. When you go this long trying to get pregnant, you laugh at the thought of it actually happening..

Alright, well I guess we wait and see what the next few days brings us.. hoping my cycle start all on it's own and I don't have to take the awful period inducing progesterone.. Alright, I am gettin' outta here, and goin' to watch my bestie deliver a baby! You should be jealous! Night ya'll

one more thing... side note

I have also decided not to post our adoption story on this blog.. it is very public, and it's a rather personal story that I would like to keep from judgemental eyes.. If you would like to read my private family blog, please feel free to leave a comment with your email address. All comments are private and come straight to me and I will not publish the comments, that way no one else will have your email. Or feel free to text me or email me any other way you see fit..

Sorry to those that swing by, and don't really wanna take the time to follow the other blog.. We have been hurt considerably by our birth mothers actions and do not want to give her the opportunity to find more ways to peer into our lives..

Thank you

She is beautiful

You know what the best smell in the entire world is?

New baby smell..

No joke. Serisouly my favorite smell in the entire world. I love nothing more than feeling this small warm little wonder, against your chest. It is truly amazing.

Today..

I got to smell the most wonderful smell.

My best friend, along with her husband. Welcomed their precious little miracle into the world this afternoon..

She is beautiful.

I was there.  

It's true, there is nothing more beautiful, more peaceful, than witnessing the birth of a new baby.

It was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life, I was so honored to photograph the whole process.

It's hard to believe just over 8 months ago my little girl was the bundle of blankets pressed against me.. Now she is almost walking, and attempting to talk, and be as grown-up as possible for a little girl..

Such a wonderful experience.

Walking through the hall-way of the Mothers unit, and seeing the tiny infants in the nursery as I practically press my face against the glass. It brings back a flood of emotions. From my infertility, to this whole adoption process.

It's nice to feel at peace.

for once.

I feel so blessed. I know my life isn't perfect-no ones is.. But for a few hours this afternoon. It was perfect.

Congratulations to my best friend. I love you so much. You more than deserve this.

REALLY?!

So, the other day, I decided to write another post... I know, go me! Well, Blogger was being such a stink about things... I couldn't even freakin tittle my post!! So, I decided to post it anyway... Well apparently it didn't even put it up! Super annoyed. Not that the blog was special or anything.. it was just about making goals.

Thanks to my best friend J, who so kindly left a comment on my blank post.. *rolling eyes* I am kinda bent about the whole situation, especially because it was a very moving, and inspiring blog post.. I mean, it's the kinda stuff that makes ya cry! Alright not reallly, it wasn't even that close to making anyone cry.. in fact, after I typed it, and read through it.. I thought it was kinda boring.. Maybe Blogger realized how dang boring the post was, and refused to post it, out of consideration to me... Yeah, I am reaching for the bottom of the barrel here... lol.

Alright, that being said- set goals, reach high, have a great day.. lol..

side note, with good juju!!

See this? This terrible photo.. taken with my cheap phone.. Yeah that right there are minus signs right next to the numbers...

I am now down almost 7 inches and 6.5 lbs. and I haven't even taken my before photos!! I gotta get on that! But, I just want to brag about this because I am super proud of myself!

I hope this give ya some motivation, I have only been working on this for almost two weeks, with hardly any effort(Seriously, I have done almost nothing, just watching what I eat mainly.) Alright I am for the weekend, going to take some before photos, and get them posted on her Monday afternoon, stay tuned!!

side note

Remember a couple of weeks ago, when I had terrible insomnia... I think it's starting again. I even took a sleeping pill, and alas, I am not asleep.. I hate this.

on a better note, the traffic coming into my blog has increased significantly, even on the days when I am not even posting, that makes me feel so special!! Like teacher put a gold star on your vocab test special. Yep!

Although I am convinced it has a lot to do with this secret I am carrying around in my pocket. I know a lot of you are still biting your nails at what it might be.. Well.. Stick around because who knows, in a few weeks this could get really interesting!

Charity never failith

As I started typing this blog, I had another one of those moments, where it turned into something completely different, and I felt that the original post would not do any justice.

Today, in church, we learned that charity is equivalent to love, and not just love, but the pure love of Christ. To provide Charity is not just giving clothing, food, or money to those in need. It is looking upon another, and seeing the face of Christ and being able to love them for who they are, and not for what expectations you expect of them..

This starts by looking at yourself, and realizing that no one is perfect, you do not expect perfection from yourself, why would you expect this from anyone else? Or vice versa..

Where am I going with this? you ask.. Well.. In life there are so many moments where we are unsure of what events are about to unfold in our crazy life's. But, the one thing that I am so blessed to know, that remains consistent, is that the Savior is always there for me, not matter what. He loves me. Not even that, he love you too, and the only thing you need to do, is be open and willing to except this love. How great is that?!

How great is that, not matter what you do, or the choices you make in this life, the Lord will always find you in his favor.

I found a couple of videos on Youtube, that speak volume to the Lords love. We all could use a little perspective, and taking a step back from the world, and allowing ourselves to once look in the mirror, and for once seeing ourselves through the Lords eye's.

I know the videos are a little long.. But, totally worth it. I hope you all are having a wonderful Sunday!

Remember, all you need to know is that the Lord loves you unconditionally, and that planting your faith, however small, will blossom into something beautiful. Keep this in mind as we draw closer to Easter. We could all use a little more Christ in our lives.

side note

So, I have been super busy, and my blog has been suffering greatly for it. I have been enjoying my time lately babysitting, and taking care of little kids, oh, also, I just about finished with my dream board. I am liking how it is turning out thus far, and cannot wait to have it finished and up on my wall.

We are getting ready for March to be over, and I cannot believe how nice the weather is getting.I am thinking that for the month of April I will take a photo a day... I like blogging every day, and I know a few people liked reading my blog every day!! So, I am brain storming, and thinking. I am excited.

I have a few blogs that will be coming very shortly, and perhaps some good news. I excited!! This is started to shape up to be a very good year!

side note

So... Yeah... I have been absent. Don't judge me. I have big news.... I got a job. Yes, not just any job... I got hired at Hobby Lobby... Now before you start doing cartwheels and getting jealous... Stop. It has been awful.. They haven't even opened the store yet so they are busy trying to stock everything and get it all ready.. Needless to say, in 3 days I have gotten hardly any sleep, and worked nearly 30 hours. Now, to top that off... I am running a low grade fever, and feeling a little over whelmed. So, if I happen to say something in the next few post that don't quite make sense... I am delirious and this cannot be held against me.

I will however let you know, I have been busy crafting, and getting ready for my March creative month post.. I know, I am a little slow on the starting. So stay tuned and I will post in the next few hours!!!

side note

Do you ever have moments where you are sitting there, and all of the sudden you feel as though you may burst into tears. Not just any tears, like hysterical, choke back, red-faced kind of crying. Yeah, I had one of those moments today. I was just sitting there, minding my own business, when I felt like a good cry were about to happen. Mind you, there was nothing out of the ordinary happening, just a normal Friday... But, I wanted to cry.

I am unsure as to why I want to cry, but I feel the pending of a good cry building up..

It's going to be a long weekend at this rate..

side note

So before you read this post, I just want you to know, I am beyond happy for any of the friends I have in my life who are able to conceive, and who have been blessed after years of infertility to finally get to the point in their lives, where they throw their hands in the air and shout "hazaa, finally!"

I have spent the last few days feeling a little down in the mouth. I was shocked the other day as I logged onto Facebook, and a friend of mine, after years of trying, and even being approved for adoption, and waiting to be placed with a child... She was blessed with a miracle, and announced her pregnancy. I was thrilled for her and her husband. That is wonderful news, and they down right deserve it.

But, in the back of my mind all I could feel was loneliness. I know, that's a odd way to feel, but honestly. She was told the chance of conception for her and her hubby were around 1%, so literally this is a MIRACLE!! So you should be clapping right now.

I however am now realizing that every single infertile I have known... is now pregnant.. So I guess that means I am the cure for infertility, just become friends with me, or make my acquaintance, and ta-da. You will get knocked up. I am not bitter, I just want you to know this, I am just sad. Sad, that I am more or less the only person I know.. that isn't pregnant, or has children already, and darn it, I am sad. I want nothing more than to be a mother, to plan fun things for them for Christmas, or Easter, or dang it, even St. Patrick's day- favorite holiday, just in case you were wondering. I want to make cute little dresses for my daughters, or tickle them til they can't breath- not really.. what kind of mother would do that?!

I guess, I am just ready for it to be my turn, to announce that we are going to be parents, or that we are adopting, blah blah blah. You know all the mushy sappy things. I want them, and I want people to be happy for me. For once it would be nice to go to the baby shower and know that people are there to celebrate with ME!

Excuse me for ranting, this is however still my infertility blog, and I am still allowed to speak my mind. I have a ton of post that I need to get on, I have a few crafts I have made, a Valentine's date to post, and all sorts of good things commin'.

I hope you all had a great Valentine's and got some lovin'! Especially cause I am not particularly loving at this very moment. Allow me to pout, and I will be better in a few days..

side note

So, I just wanted you to all know, that although I am very sick. I managed to pull myself out of the house, with the help of my loving husband, and I bought the fabric for my family cloth. I was planning on working on my unpaper towels.. but no body at the fabric store knew what bridseye cotton was.. So now I am on a journey to find a substitute.

By the end of this week, I hope to have them cut out, and pinned ready to sew. I do however, also need to organize my second bedroom. I am planning on putting my genealogy into nice plastic containers instead of boxes made for produce. Then those need to go into the attic, and I can reclaim my second bedroom again, and get my head above water.

I am looking forward to getting things done, and I have an awesome date planned on Friday with my hubby, and a few family members. I am planning on attending a musical production that is being performed at the local high school.... wait for it... Phantom of the Opera. LOVE IT!!

Also, looking forward to valentines day, and gettin' my lovin' on. Woot! I will have some pictures up by the end of the week, on my fabric and what not, and hopefully my genealogy project. Yikes. Hopefully, I start feeling better.

I hope your hump day was a lot more productive than mine, and that you are looking forward to the weekend as much as I am.

side note

Oh man, have you been outside today? Here in Utah county, it's FREEZING!! Not to mention the wind factor only adds that much more to the chill.. Buuurrr!!! So, it's been kind a slow week, and along with the cold, there is a change in the air. I am greatly considering changing my degree. I am currently attending school for Criminal Justice, as many of you might know. Well... the more I think about it, the more I really want to do something else. As luck would have it, after talking to a few people, and deciding that

1. I LOVE math
2. I LOVE kids
3. I think there is nothing greater than watching a child learn

Drum roll........ if you haven't already guessed?

I wanna be a math teacher :)

So hopefully, I can get the ball rolling on that. I know that it may not excite a lot of people, ya know... changing my degree and all... but, I have a feeling I will like this career a lot more.. Don't be sad, I know the idea me dressed up in a uniform, and walking around with handcuffs and a gun really gets your gears goin'... but alas, I wanna be a math teacher.

Alright, well... I am really sick, and feeling a little out of it. Have a great evening/day, and Happy Hump day!

on a side note

Well, I managed to make it a few days without getting back on my blog. But, not without some people sending me hate text, and complaining about going through with-drawls. It made me feel special, you know like when the teacher compliments your pretty picture, and no one else. Yeah, that special. I have had a busy few couple of days, I spent some time helping my bestie J pack up more of her house, and get ready for her big move. I know I have shared in the past, about my bestie J, but something I want you all to know, I admire my best friend, and I truly love her.

This past year, my bestie experienced a true heart break, with the lose of her daughter due to stillbirth. But, Thursday night I felt the true impact of this heart ache, as I helped J pick up the room she had so tenderly prepared for a daughter she never even brought home. J felt it was important to fluff up the cute little room again, so she could take some photos of the room, she filled with dreams, only to have them heart broken. I hope J, doesn't mind me sharing this with you, so you can be jealous of the knowledge that I am best friends with my hero.

As we picked up the room, and rearranged the cute stuff animals, remade the crib, and straightened everything just right, I glanced up on the wall to see this.



For those of you who can't see past the glare... no worries I'm complaining to myself right now.

If ever there is tomorrow when
we're not together.. there is
something you must always
remember.. you are braver than
you believe, stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.. but the
most important thing is, even if we're
apart... I'll always be with you.
-Winnie the Pooh

Yeah can you say for cute. Honestly one of my greatest moments was helping J with this project, and helping her preserve her memories. Thanks J for allowing me into this small special place in your heart.

If you wish to read J's blog, dedicated to her daughter you can do so here.

on a side note

So, this isn't going to be the typical gratitude post of the day. Instead I wanted to highlight a blog that I read, and really needed to be shared. This gal touched on a topic, that I know many people feel strongly about, and I just want you all to know. I am indifferent on this subject, and feel that any choice you make, on how you ultimately have a baby, whether that's by natural means-you didn't need any help getting, and or making your baby. You choose IVf, or adoption.

This particular post, was that on adoption, and the defense against those who somehow think IVF is a better route, than adoption. you can read about that HERE. I know that one day, adoption may be our only adoption, and that is mainly for the fact that I doubt we may ever be able to afford IVF, or that my broken uterus would be able to even function with a pregnancy.

I know the journey to parenthood won't be easy for us, and I know many other couples suffering from infertility. We should all be a little more understanding of everyone situation, and know that there are others who may be hurting more than we are.