it's just the beginning.. finally..

 We made it.. I don't think I have ever been so excited for any one day in my life-well minus my wedding day, but lets face it.. this one had a rather large build up.. We finalized our adoption today. After a long battle to get here, and with many ups and down, and multiple delays. We are finally, OFFICIALLY a family.. I only mean official by legal standards.. I already knew we were a family otherwise.

We were up bright and early getting ready.. I knew Izze would need a bath so I went in and distrubed her slumber..

As you can clearly tell.. she wasn't one bit upset about getting up so early. I think she could feel the excitement.. It's not everyday mom gets her up this early AND lets her take a bath! Needless to say we were ready like twenty mins before we even needed to leave. She was wearing the most adoarble blue dress. It looked amazing on her. And her hair peice matched. Oh too perfect.

Here is Izze with the Judge finalizing the adoption and making it official. Izze loved this part. Mainly because she got to play with the pen, quickly followed by the judge letting her play with the gavel.

During the whole ordeal, I was a little anxious, nervous that some other hiccups would pop up, even as the judge spoke, and acknowledge that as difficult as it was back in November to give Izze back to her birth mother, the judge was only following the law. The judge, then proceeded to tell us, that making that decision was not easy, that she could see how emotionally devastated we were when she made the ruling.. But, she said she will never forget what the court clearks told her the day we got Izze back.. The clerks had informed the judge that Izze's face lit up when the dcfs worker came around the corner and she saw me for the first time in almost 48 hours. Of course I cried even more.

I feel so over whelmed with emotions today, and cannot believe that we are finally done. That things are official, and our little Izze is finally a Mathie..

This was such an amazing experience. I feel so blessed to have been given this opportunity, and that my friends and family could be there to support us today. There was so much love in that courtroom. Compared to the one time when we sat so grief striking as the judge told us we had to return Izze.. The Lord truly works miracles. I have never seen the Lords hand more powerfully than in other time in my life.

I want to share one more thing and then I will leave my computer behind for the day and go snuggle my girl.

A few days after we lost Izze, and then she was so quickly returned to us. I was filling out her baby book we have, and I realized I had never looked up the mean of Izze's name.. Believe me, when I say how shocked I was to discover the meaning of her name was: God's Promise..

As I read those words I knew the Lord had intended for this little girl to be part of our family. Why else would he allow for so many trials, followed by so many blessings.

We love you Izzebel.

I am so happy to be your mommy, now, and always.

temple blessings

*WARNING* This is a post dedicated to my religion- the LDS faith. Here within are personal views, pictures, and other personally important items regarding the LDS church. If you do not agree with and or appose these beliefs I would ask that you not read it, and would also ask that any negative comments be kept to your self. Thank you.



I recently had a reader bring to my attention that they knew little of the mormon faith, and that more information would be appreciated.. I guess that was bad on my part to assume that the moajority of my readers were either LDS or at least familar with the LDS faith.. So, for those of you who are interested, here is my post on my faith, Mormonism.

I was born in 1987, (don't worry this will probably be a long post, but I will try to make it as interesting as possible..) As I was saying, 1987. My parents had been married over 7 years at this point and had already given birth to 4 children, although only 2 were living. My mother was raised Catholic, and my father was raised LDS. My mother would tell me years later, when she and my father married that she had told him in the beginning she refused to convert to the Mormon church.. less than 6 years after marrying him she would be baptized into the faith, and a year later they would go through the San Diego Temple..

My mother later discribed her experience to me, sharing that she was convinced she had joined a cult.. Alright, probably not the best statement to share. Since a lot of people already believe we are in fact a cult.. But, it's the truth. Not the cult part, but how my mother felt. It was more of confusion, and not that she was scared. But, as the years have passed and my mother has been able to return to the temple, these feelings have become that of faith, and love.

The purpose of the temple, is to seal on earth as in heaven. Marriages take place here, baptism for the dead takes place here, and those entering the temple can enter after being proved worthy, to receive their endowments so that they may obtain the blessings and promises set forth by the Lord so that we may return to heaven.

Although, returning to live in the precense of our Savior is not restricted to attending the temple.. It insures you receive those blessing you have been promised.

The purpose of the temple is for us to go and be close to the Lord. Our own little heaven on earth. We go to make and keep sacred covenants, and to receive powerful blessings. It is the one place I can go and feel complete peace, and feel even closer to the Lord, that perhaps he might hear my prayers better.. Although that last statement is just a personal feeling, the Lord can hear your prayers regardless of where you are. The temple plays an essential role in our lives, in God's plan and in our eternal happiness.

Almost 3 years ago, I attended the temple with my husband. With our close family and friends, we entered into the sealing room. We knelt across the altar, and took one anothers hand. We were then sealed for time and eternity.

   

                   

Now, if we were normal people.. lol, if my body would do normal things. If we were to have our own biological children, our children would be born under the covenant. Meaning they would already be fortunate enough to receive some of the blessing of the temple, because they were already part of an eternal family. However, Izze is not our biological child, but that doesn't matter. Because in a few short months we will go back to the temple.. We will kneel across the altar from one another, and take each others hand once more, and then Izze will be placed on the altar next to us. We will then be sealed as an eternal family. What is bound on earth is also in heaven.

This is truly such an amazing experience. The temple blessings are real, and I can testify of the love I feel every time I enter. Either for myself, or to do the work for those that are deceased. It is an amazing place. I would implore that anyone who has never been to find a temple open house near you, and walk through before the temple is dedicated. It is not a secret what takes place in the temple.. but because what takes place is sacred..

If you wish to learn more about the LDS church you can do so HERE.

Anticipation..

We have less than a month before we go before a judge and sign the papers.. Less than a month till the state of Utah will recognize Jon and I as Izze's parents- Legally!! It will be legit! This feeling that I have in my heart, will be perminant, and on paper!! Is it sad that, I am already planning her 'gotcha' party, and I am already planning her blessing day, her birthday, and the day we intend to be sealed to her...

Every time I picture Jon and I kneeling across the alter from one another, and them bringing Izze to us, I get a little choked up.. I know when that day comes, I will be a mess. Thank goodness I have already invested in waterproof mascara..

I have had so many plans sitting on the back burner for so long, that I can hardly believe that they will soon be put into motion. The fabric I have waiting to sewn into her blessing/sealing dress. that I have been hiding in a drawer out of fear of it being a wasted purchase.. I can finally sit down to put some thread through it, and complete my vision.. My little girl will be walking by then. No tiny infant to swaddle in dad's arms as he blesses her.. But, it doesn't matter. Regardless of how old she is, in the end we will be an eternal family.

And yes, that will be on paper too. To everyone I have seemed to ignored these past few months.. I apologize. I haven't been the best friend that I could be, and I have slacked in a lot of places. But, forgive me, there were things on my mind, burdens on my shoulders, and now I am free of the shackles that bound my wrist, and my heart.

I love this new journey that we are about to start. I know I am Izze's momma in my heart, and now it feels all brand new again, because I can look at her and say. I AM your momma, FOREVER!!! I love this little girl, and I love how complete she makes our family. I cannot imagine my life without her. I love how much my husband loves her, and what a wonderful father he is. I know in the beginning he was so scared of messing something up. He is the youngest of 3 boys and had no experience when it came to babies. But, I promised him that Izze was too young to know the difference.. that and she didn't really have anything to compare his parenting style to.. lol. He would roll his eye, and then I would reassure him, his mother and I would be there the entire time to hold his hand. He has done better than I think he ever anticipated, and I am pretty sure he has no idea how much I enjoy watching him love, and teach our little girl, and how every time my heart swells with love.

Again thank you everyone for your support, and above all I wish to share my love and gratitude for the Lord and his hand that he played in our journey along the way. I have been humbled, and blessed, and my testimony has grown with the things I have witnessed and experienced.

With eager hearts and goals in site.. I am eager to share the next few months with you, and to bring you up to date in May. Thank you for your patience.

I can breath....

As many of you already know... It finally happened!!!!! No, I'm not pregnant... But we do have some good news in regards to our daughter... Our birth mother finally relinquished her rights. The battle is over we no longer have to fight. Sigh... Relief. We will be looking to finalize our adoption by May.. Then in July we will finally take our sweet baby girl to the temple and we will be sealed for eternity as a family... I cannot believe we are that close. It has been a long hard journey filled with so many ups and downs.. I will finally be able to blog about our amazing story starting in May so look for those post. Thank you for the support the love and the never ending prayers. We love each and everyone of you and are thrilled to be abke to share this news with you. Thank you again.

birth control..

If you're wondering why on earth would an infertile talk about birth control on her blog... Well lets face it.. I haven't used birth control since highschool, to regulate my cycles... When I got married I throw out my little pink case, and said good bye to anything that would prevent me from conceiving.. 2 marriages later, and years of research, heart ache, and zero pregnancies... Birth control might be the only answer. Lately with my irregular cycle, I was starting to fear that the only solution would be birth control.. I finally made an appointment last week, and this morning I met with my nurse practictioner-Kelli Parker. Basically the coolest lady ever!

We went over the whole irregular cycle issue, and the fact that I had been into the hospital to get a pregnancy test, and all that good stuff. I then told her the words I had been treading to udder... gulp. Birth control.. Ugh. I almost whispered it. Like I was back in 7th grade and struggling to say the word sex.. without giggling. But, I swallowed the words as quickly as the left my lips.

-Rational moment- the words birth countrol, were quickly followed by the resonable person insdie me.. We have been trying for almost 3 years to get pregnant, what is a few months sacrificed to help my body.. Yeah, think what you will.. It made me feel a lot better.

Thankfully, Kelli listened to my plight, and recommended a course of action over the next 5-6 months to help me get knocked up. Starting with my Metformin, then if that doesn't regulate my cycles, birth control.. But, if my cycle does better with the Metformin, I can go in for a progesterone test, to see if I am ovulating on my own.. If I am not.. Ugh.. then a couple of rounds of clomid... If helps then I get to include a progesterone v.suppository.. You know a whole list of special procedure to help conception  and the possibility of sustaining said pregnancy...

This is the part that terrifies me... We have been here before.. But, this time, it's different. We have a different practitioner, someone who is more than willing to help us, and is sensitive to our situation. Which is reasurring... But, at the same time.. I am so scared.. I am scared of getting my hopes up, I am scared of failure.. and most of all I am scared of falling back into the dark place.. the place where my infertility took me the first time.. The nights I cried and carried on to my best friend B.. or the number of cycles of clomid I did and watched while everyone else got pregnant and I sat on the sidelines.. I would give anything to skip these next coming months. To be somebody else, and to not live that pain.. It likes be willing to jump off a cliff, only to land on the spears that are pointed up toward you... You know you're gonna die, that it will hurt. But for some reason you do it because this time it might work.. So, you don't give up. Because this could be it.

Here is to months of trying, to babydust, and lots of luck.. I only hope this time the Lord hears our prayers and we are blessed with more children.

I didn't realize that.

So, today I was talking a good friend of mine, who is going through her own infertility process. She has been blessed with a beautiful little boy. But, like more woman in our situation. When you know the pain of infertility, having a baby in your arms never changes the fact that you know additional children may be a challange.

As I was attempting to comfort her, I started to think about our journey through this whole process. The things that I have learned and experienced, and of course the heart break that followed every time.

But since we started this journey almost 3 years ago, things have changed. I went through somethings that I never have could have imagined. I witnessed things that should never have occuried. This changed how I saw the world, and how I chose to deal with my inferility.. I knew I had felt this way, but it wasn't till today when I typed these words on the screen of my computer, that I finally realized that I am okay with my infertility.


"There is a reason you cannot have children. The Lord has other plans. But if your heart is open, the children that are meant to be in your family will come to you. Everyones journey has a reason, and sometimes the journey your children take to get to you may not always be the one you had planned. But, regardless they are yours and love you just as much. An eternal family is made up of people who love each other, not if they are biologically related"

A huge impact has been made on me. I embrace my infertility, and take pity on it.. I count every blessing that adoption brings into my life, and I know that there are more children who are waiting to come to our family. I know that the power of the priesthood, and through temple sealings, we are an eternal family. I am so very blessed to know this.

Everyone has a different journey, and story that is waiting to be written. Coming to terms with your trials is something that must be done in your own time. Don't force it, and beautiful things will happen when you can be healed.

I don't usually do this, and for those of you who want you're welcome to skip this part-

But, I want to bare my testimony, I believe in the Lords plan, and although sometimes I am weak, and I get frustrated with the things in my life that I feel are unfair.. I have the understanding in my heart that the Lord gave me this trial for a reason. I am capable of loving any child. This I know. I also know that the Lord always keeps his promises, we must be patient enough to receive them. I am so grateful for my family, regardless of how it's made.

We may be imperfect, our family may be patched together, and have different people and faces. But we are beautiful, and we love each other.

I hope the things in your life that you feel are missing, you can find peace for the reason. Or lack of reason.

She is beautiful

You know what the best smell in the entire world is?

New baby smell..

No joke. Serisouly my favorite smell in the entire world. I love nothing more than feeling this small warm little wonder, against your chest. It is truly amazing.

Today..

I got to smell the most wonderful smell.

My best friend, along with her husband. Welcomed their precious little miracle into the world this afternoon..

She is beautiful.

I was there.  

It's true, there is nothing more beautiful, more peaceful, than witnessing the birth of a new baby.

It was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life, I was so honored to photograph the whole process.

It's hard to believe just over 8 months ago my little girl was the bundle of blankets pressed against me.. Now she is almost walking, and attempting to talk, and be as grown-up as possible for a little girl..

Such a wonderful experience.

Walking through the hall-way of the Mothers unit, and seeing the tiny infants in the nursery as I practically press my face against the glass. It brings back a flood of emotions. From my infertility, to this whole adoption process.

It's nice to feel at peace.

for once.

I feel so blessed. I know my life isn't perfect-no ones is.. But for a few hours this afternoon. It was perfect.

Congratulations to my best friend. I love you so much. You more than deserve this.

when faith is enough..

I was trying to think of what to name this post.. But, you can really name something that means so much. Many of you are aware of the current situation we are in. Especially in regards to our adoption, the emotional toll, and the finanacial one as well... I never imagined at the beginning of this year.. We would be here.

Many of us in the family have really been struggling with the whole commitment of faith, considering that there are so many things that are taking place at once, and the roller coaster we seem to be on everyday. It's hard, when someone ask what we think will happen, or our odds. Now, all I can do is look at them and say. 'it's in the Lords hands.'

There are moments in life, where lets face it. Life happens. In those moments where you think you have it all figured out, and someone decides to through a wrench in the works.

This past month has been the most spiritually rewarding time in our lives. I have never felt so blessed, and so surrounded by love... It really has been moments where we have been looking over the edge... ready to jump... This quote fits us perfectly.


This really has been our moments. I have felt isolated, hurt and betrayed.. Shortly followed by humility, gratitude, and love... I can honestly say the Lord has a plan, he knows what we need... We just need to listen..

I am writting this post because I know there are a lot of people who read and have followed with a watchfull eye of the happenings in our life. Your prayers have been felt, as well as your faith. I have countless family members who bring me strength. I want them to know... Although you may feel like your faith isn't enough... Showing me that your faith is still intact.. gives me strength to push forward.. You set an example for my family, and I love you all so much.

I've spent so many moments in quite prayer, in moments where I felt I had nothing left... all I really needed was my faith.