No excuses!

Alright, alright.. I know.. I am bad..
I went almost the entire summer without blogging once.. and I bet you are all wondering what the heck I have been up to, or maybe even wondering if I was still alive.. No worries, I am still kickin'.

We have had such an amazing summer, and cannot believe it is almost over! We finalized our adoption.. Hurray! We celebrated Izzebel's first birthday.. We got to visit with family that we haven't seen in ages.. and last but not least.. we got to take our sweet baby girl to the temple and be sealed to her..
It was truly amazing.. I cried the whole time.. Like I do in everything else.. What can I say.. I am a big ol' cry baby!-ask my husband..

We also, went to the water park, one too many times, Izzebel took her first swimming lessons, her first steps, and started saying a few words. We adore her, and cannot imagine life without her. I will post a few pictures in the next few days of everything we got to do this summer!

Also, this summer.. I started a new job working graves, it's hard getting use to staying up all night, but I am liking it so far. We also started looking into regulating my cycle and getting my body to ovulate.. I am still taking my metformin, and I am currently on my second cycle of clomid.. I do however have to say, that journey is a whole other post just because there is so much to tell, that just breezing over it right now, just wouldn't be fair..

I am loving life right now. I have a wacky little family, and we aren't perfect by any means.. But I love them like crazy. I am so glad that we are finally over with our long ordeal, and that for the first time in a long time, I feel normal. Now I am wrapped up in looking forward to Holidays, snow, baking, making memories with my sweet little family. I love adoption, and I love what it has done for our family, and I am so grateful for this whole experience.

Thank you for reading, and for being patient with me, as I slowly get back into the swing of things. There will be more post, more FREQUENT post.. and lots of good things to come..


I can't wait..

just a year..

It's just a year... that's all. But, a year from today seems like a life time.. But to say a year ago today, goes by in the blink of an eye.. Just over a year ago, I was counting down to a special surprise.. What you may now know as days before my little girl was born. In less than a week, that little girl will celebrate her first birthday. I cannot believe that a year has come and gone, and we are on the doorsteps of a new year. So many things have happen. I have experienced pure joy, such as the first time I held Izze, and I have experienced the worst heart break of my life.. The moment we handed Izze to our attorney and he walked away with her.. and then I have experienced the Lords hand in my life in one sweet tender mercy, and miracle. The moment I discovered Izze had been removed from the birthmothers custody, just two days later, and they placed her back in my arms.

My step father was smart enough, the day we lost Izze in November, he took photos. I had not seen these photos, until a few weeks ago.. To see the sorrow on all my families faces, I couldn't even make it through all of the photographs without crying. I know this story ended happily, but at the time, I was convinced I would never see her again, and those emotions come back. I realize more than ever how completely blessed we have been, and how much the Lord intended for Izze to be a part of our eternal family.

Lately, I have been blessed again, by seeing how much this year has truly affected my family around me. I continuelly hear the words " We didn't think it would happen, but that little girl was meant to be in our family".. I know this, I knew this the moment I laid eyes on her, the moment I held her against my chest, even the day we lost her, and I walked away from the court house empty handed, convinced I would never see her again. The very next morning, I looked at Jon, I said "I don't know how, but she will be back in our home within the week" I could never imagine, it would happen less than 48 hours after we had lost her.

Over a year ago, I was concerened with the thought that our family may not be able to love an adopted child.. Would she be excepted? Today, I look at that little girl, and I don't see an adopted child, I don't see a little girl who is not biologically related to me.. I see my daughter. I see my miracle. Sometimes I even forget she is adopted.. That is by far my favorite part.

To my friends and my family, your testamonies of faith and love have truly overwhelmed me. I cannot begin to tell you the gratitude I feel in my heart to have your example in my life. I feel like this year has gone by so quickly, though at the time, it felt like it was dragging. It's gone. the termoil, the stress.. All we have now is the rest of our lives. There were many nights I felt isolated, and alone, but now as the darkness is clearing, I can finally see that I was not alone. There was an army of people behind me. Praying, and fasting with us. Living in this moment with us. I am speechless, I know that the prayers of many move mountains..

We are now, moving forward with our plans to bless Izze, and to have her sealed to our family. I just finished her blessing gown.. I cried a little as I looked at what I had done.. I cannot believe in just a few months she will wear this, and then I will FINALLY feel like this is over.. that the year and some change we waited.. will be over.. We can finally begin our happily ever after..

It's just a year.. just one.

what would you be willing to experience, to go through, to reach your happily ever after?

it's just the beginning.. finally..

 We made it.. I don't think I have ever been so excited for any one day in my life-well minus my wedding day, but lets face it.. this one had a rather large build up.. We finalized our adoption today. After a long battle to get here, and with many ups and down, and multiple delays. We are finally, OFFICIALLY a family.. I only mean official by legal standards.. I already knew we were a family otherwise.

We were up bright and early getting ready.. I knew Izze would need a bath so I went in and distrubed her slumber..

As you can clearly tell.. she wasn't one bit upset about getting up so early. I think she could feel the excitement.. It's not everyday mom gets her up this early AND lets her take a bath! Needless to say we were ready like twenty mins before we even needed to leave. She was wearing the most adoarble blue dress. It looked amazing on her. And her hair peice matched. Oh too perfect.

Here is Izze with the Judge finalizing the adoption and making it official. Izze loved this part. Mainly because she got to play with the pen, quickly followed by the judge letting her play with the gavel.

During the whole ordeal, I was a little anxious, nervous that some other hiccups would pop up, even as the judge spoke, and acknowledge that as difficult as it was back in November to give Izze back to her birth mother, the judge was only following the law. The judge, then proceeded to tell us, that making that decision was not easy, that she could see how emotionally devastated we were when she made the ruling.. But, she said she will never forget what the court clearks told her the day we got Izze back.. The clerks had informed the judge that Izze's face lit up when the dcfs worker came around the corner and she saw me for the first time in almost 48 hours. Of course I cried even more.

I feel so over whelmed with emotions today, and cannot believe that we are finally done. That things are official, and our little Izze is finally a Mathie..

This was such an amazing experience. I feel so blessed to have been given this opportunity, and that my friends and family could be there to support us today. There was so much love in that courtroom. Compared to the one time when we sat so grief striking as the judge told us we had to return Izze.. The Lord truly works miracles. I have never seen the Lords hand more powerfully than in other time in my life.

I want to share one more thing and then I will leave my computer behind for the day and go snuggle my girl.

A few days after we lost Izze, and then she was so quickly returned to us. I was filling out her baby book we have, and I realized I had never looked up the mean of Izze's name.. Believe me, when I say how shocked I was to discover the meaning of her name was: God's Promise..

As I read those words I knew the Lord had intended for this little girl to be part of our family. Why else would he allow for so many trials, followed by so many blessings.

We love you Izzebel.

I am so happy to be your mommy, now, and always.

with heavy hearts..

This morning was the worst morning I have ever had... I woke up to silence. The court failed to see that Izzebel would be in immediate danger if returned to the birth mother, and against all of the argurments we made, and how hard we fought for her. We unwillingly handed over our beautiful 5 month old daughter, and they placed her back in the arms of the birthmother. We are devastated. We waited so long to be blessed with a child, and when it finally happen I couldn't believe how blessed we were..and now.. I feel empty.

There is no worst feeling in the world, than feeling innadiquate to care for a child.. I know I shouldn't feel so low about things, but really?! I spent over two years praying for a child, and we get blessed through this adoption, and now we have nothing to show for our en deavours'... I have never felt so defeated in my life..

We have lost faith in our legal system, what we thought would work for us, and that we would prevail, we have been terribly disappointed. But, above this, we need to pray for Izze. We need to pray for her safety, that she may be kept from harm. We love her so much, and cannot even imagine the confusion that she is going through, or the hurt... We know she is young, but she knows who we are. Thank you for all of your prayers... Sorry for not keeping you updated, and that you are coming to find out that after all the months, we no longer have our sweet baby.

We love you Izzebel, and we know we will see each other again...

You are probably wondering

I was just thinking to myself... You are all probably wondering about how we came to adopt Izzebel. I know I hadn't talked about it, or well I had mentioned in passing that we were open to it. Although there are many of you who read my blog, you probably still want to know.

Back in March I received a phone call from my sister, telling me she had a friend who was interested in placing her baby for adoption, and wanted to know if we were interested, and if we would like to meet her. I didn't even hesitate, and I said yes. Two days later I met our birth-mom. I look back now, and think, people don't just get a phone call like that. We weren't even going through an agency, we had thought about starting the adoption process next summer, but hadn't really gone past that.

April came, I got to go to the doctors with our birth-mom, and I heard sweet Izze's heart beat. I cried a little, and I just felt so blessed. Back while we were waiting it seemed the days, and the weeks seemed to crawl by. We told friends, and family, merely so we could have the prayers and support. But, I felt I didn't want to risk actually putting it in writing at risk of it not being true.

It truly happened so quickly, and seemed to go off without a hitch, we found a lawyer, we had an in-home study done, we did the background checks, and seriously, one thing after the next fell into place for us. It really seemed to good to be true, things like this just don't happen to people like me.

Then June was here, and we were counting the days. She was due the 11th, and that afternoon we went with the birth-mom to the park and we walked around to encourage labor. I felt so beyond blessed, I felt like we had a good relationship with her, and that things we going to be great. The next morning, before anyone could even make it to the hospital. Izzebel entered the world in the backseat of a Saturn, in the hospital parking lot. I guess at that point she really wanted to be here. We got to be the first ones into the nursery, and I got to hold her, and feed her. I don't think I have ever cried so much out of joy. It truly was so emotional in so many ways.

These last 6 weeks of Izze's little life have been the most emotional, trying, and fearful weeks, days, moments of my life. The birth mother has changed her mind, more then once, and now we are left to fight for our family. To say we are hurt is an understatement. We truly felt that love and trust was both a mutual understanding and that Izze was going to grow up knowing everyone loved her.

We are now standing at a new door, preparing to knock, and about to step forward onto our new journey. We only pray that we are brave enough to fight, and strong enough to en dour.

Again, thank you for the prayers, the support, and above all, the love. We wouldn't be here with out it.

Welcome to the family Izzebel

I am so very proud today!! We took our newborn photos, with Izze, and although she didn't sleep at all, she was wide awake, and very well behaved. So cute!!

It has been such an emotional roller coaster, and I know that we are not done yet, we still have another six months before it's done and over, and but thus far, I am enjoying every minute of it, and I still cannot believe we have a daughter. I didn't realize that after such a short period of time, I already feel like she was meant to be here, and that she was missing from our lives this whole time. Mind you, I miss my sleep, doing my hair or makeup, or even cleaning my house.. But, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I feel so utterly blessed, I can't even see straight.

In the first two weeks of Izzebel's life, she has over come the hard part of her withdrawals, gained weight, left the hospital, met some of her cousins, aunts and uncles, her great grandparents, her grandparents, and even the two family dogs that only visit every now and then. I am so over whelmed by the out pour of support, and love that has been showen to us. I was truly worried that people would not be as excepting, but truly, I feel as if I physically had her, and that she was always meant to be with our family.

I cry a little inside when I think of what a blessing this has been in our lives, and we are so grateful to our birth mother for being so brave, and loving, and to allow us this amazing opportunity to adopt Izzebel. I cannot wait to watch her grow, and to walk, talk, or actually smile back at me, instead of sleepy smiles, or gas bubbles. But, she can stay little for now.

She is changing every day, I litterally see it right before my eyes. I am truly amazed. We love her, and know that this was truly a once in a life time opportunity. I cannot wait to be sealed to her in this next year, and to officialy know she is part of our eternal family.

Again, thank you for the prayers, thoughts, wellwishes, gifts, and the many many visits. We love and appreciate all of you!