What to know, before you go!: infertility journey

Recently, I have been busy with a few things, especially regarding my infertility, and as I approach the near end of this year. I am confronted with the thought, I have been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years now.. 3 years of my life dedicated to getting knocked up, do you know how much sex that is?! Really I am sure that my husband isn't really complaining too much. But, we have hit a lot of bumps in the road, and I just know, that there are things that I wish I had known then, that I know now.. That could have saved me so much hassle.

I had a dear friend of mine, send me a message the other day, asking if I could give her some tips and suggestions as she and her husband start their process. That's when it dawned on me.. Everyone should know. I am pretty sure as your browse the Internet-FYI MOMENT: Most infertile are great at browsing the Internet. Seriously, I have some wicked skills. I know how to type in something just right to get the answer I am looking for. Any way, as I was saying. As you browse the Internet, you are bound to find a ton of suggestions and different ways to improve your journey, but this right here. This is a post with a great list, from different contributing infertiles such as myself.

1. Don't waste your time: True story, time is not always your friend. If you have been trying to conceive for a year or more without a pregnancy. GO GET CHECKED!!! If you are over 35 and have been trying for 6 months, GO GET CHECKED!!! Allowing more time, or thinking that you haven't given it enough time, is a recipe for more heart ache later on.

2. It is okay to grieve. Infertility is a real loss. It's a loss of your dreams, your wants for the future. When you hear those words your worlds come crashing in, and it is okay to scream, punch a pillow, and eat lots of ice cream.

3. Before you start with just any old physician.. Make sure you check their knowledge on infertility, if you have questions they can't answer, leave! I know not everyone is ready to jump into the Reproductive Doctors Office. So look into options. If you are seeking to just run some test, check your levels, or basic ultrasounds. A good OB can do that for you. They can even prescribe clomid- FYI MOMENT: If your Dr is willing to write you a prescription for clomid, but won't do a blood test to check for ovulation later in your cycle. NOT THE DR FOR YOU!!! I promise this will save you lots of time, and money if you can find an OB that is willing to do that. By the time you walk into an Re's office, you will have plenty of records and proof that you were running test, and hopefully have found out your issues, before you shell out the big bucks.

4. Research different ways of checking for ovulation, and for improving your chances of conception. Believe it or not, there are different things you can do. Ovulation Prediction Kits, Cervical Mucus, Temperature.. Timing sex just right, etc. Don't just assume that have sex will get you pregnant-Before you say anything, just having sex CAN get you pregnant, I mean thousands of people do it every year.. But you may need some more help..

5. Know the differences between a regular doctor, your OB, and an RE;Reproductive Endocrinologist. Just because your doctor has a medical degree from fancy college.. does not make him a specialist on infertility.

6. Know what kind of test SHOULD be performed in order to rule certain issues out. You can find info HERE and HERE. Remember knowledge is power, and lets face it. Some of the time, your will have more knowledge about your body, then your doctor.

7. Remember, it's okay to release your inner bitch! Becoming your own advocate will get you so far with infertility. Some doctors want to drag their feet.. Don't let them. Or find a different doctor. I wast 6 months with a doctor only to find out later, biggest waste of time and money!

8. Infertility is hard enough as it is, but if you can't become your own voice, and stand up for your needs. You will not be doing yourself any good. It is okay to be selfish in these time. If you need to skip a baby shower, or skipping out a family dinner cause your cousin is pregnant, again, for the 3rd time. Then do it. Your family, and your friends may not support you, and call you out on it. Who cares. You DESERVE HAPPINESS, and until you can cope with infertility, you are completely allowed to skip certain events.

9. Don't assume everyone will be compassionate about your pain. Some people might say they understand, or they are sorry. People will say THE DUMBEST things to you, assuming it will help. Let it roll off your back. There are support groups throughout the country, and support groups online. There will always be SOMEONE you understands. Don't be afraid to reach out.

10. Infertility takes a toll on everything.. Your marriage, your health, your relationships, your finances, It can at times become a complete obsession. Find different was of rekindling your romance, or different ways to celebrate small triumphs.

11. Having a baby, doesn't fix your sorrows and real pain of infertility. Adopting a baby, or conceiving one doesn't erase the pain you went through to get to that point. Your reality of infertility is just that, REALITY.

12. You can never do enough research. Seriously. Research EVERYTHING!!! The meds, the doctors, everything under the sun!! I have looked up countless things on the Internet attempting to gain some knowledge, and it has really helped. If you can't find it, don't be afraid to call you doctor, or find another infertile, and hit her up!

13. Always remember.. Infertility does not define you as a person. Although it has, and will create a huge impact on your life.. It doesn't mean you are that person. Break free from that mold. Become an advocate for infertility. It is a real disease, thousands and thousands of people are suffering from it. Don't be afraid to stand up and speak out. Someone else could be suffering in silence, and you could be their saving grace.

I wish I could hug you, and tell you that everything is going to be alright. But I can't make that promise. You are the maker of your life, and you can control the path you take. Knowledge is power. Don't lose hope, don't let infertility consume you. You are better than this, and some stupid condition isn't going to rule your life.

I hope this has helped. It was wonderful to be able to get some insight from the other ladies in my life that have, and or are in the same shoes as myself. Be brave in your journey, regardless of where it takes you.

just a year..

It's just a year... that's all. But, a year from today seems like a life time.. But to say a year ago today, goes by in the blink of an eye.. Just over a year ago, I was counting down to a special surprise.. What you may now know as days before my little girl was born. In less than a week, that little girl will celebrate her first birthday. I cannot believe that a year has come and gone, and we are on the doorsteps of a new year. So many things have happen. I have experienced pure joy, such as the first time I held Izze, and I have experienced the worst heart break of my life.. The moment we handed Izze to our attorney and he walked away with her.. and then I have experienced the Lords hand in my life in one sweet tender mercy, and miracle. The moment I discovered Izze had been removed from the birthmothers custody, just two days later, and they placed her back in my arms.

My step father was smart enough, the day we lost Izze in November, he took photos. I had not seen these photos, until a few weeks ago.. To see the sorrow on all my families faces, I couldn't even make it through all of the photographs without crying. I know this story ended happily, but at the time, I was convinced I would never see her again, and those emotions come back. I realize more than ever how completely blessed we have been, and how much the Lord intended for Izze to be a part of our eternal family.

Lately, I have been blessed again, by seeing how much this year has truly affected my family around me. I continuelly hear the words " We didn't think it would happen, but that little girl was meant to be in our family".. I know this, I knew this the moment I laid eyes on her, the moment I held her against my chest, even the day we lost her, and I walked away from the court house empty handed, convinced I would never see her again. The very next morning, I looked at Jon, I said "I don't know how, but she will be back in our home within the week" I could never imagine, it would happen less than 48 hours after we had lost her.

Over a year ago, I was concerened with the thought that our family may not be able to love an adopted child.. Would she be excepted? Today, I look at that little girl, and I don't see an adopted child, I don't see a little girl who is not biologically related to me.. I see my daughter. I see my miracle. Sometimes I even forget she is adopted.. That is by far my favorite part.

To my friends and my family, your testamonies of faith and love have truly overwhelmed me. I cannot begin to tell you the gratitude I feel in my heart to have your example in my life. I feel like this year has gone by so quickly, though at the time, it felt like it was dragging. It's gone. the termoil, the stress.. All we have now is the rest of our lives. There were many nights I felt isolated, and alone, but now as the darkness is clearing, I can finally see that I was not alone. There was an army of people behind me. Praying, and fasting with us. Living in this moment with us. I am speechless, I know that the prayers of many move mountains..

We are now, moving forward with our plans to bless Izze, and to have her sealed to our family. I just finished her blessing gown.. I cried a little as I looked at what I had done.. I cannot believe in just a few months she will wear this, and then I will FINALLY feel like this is over.. that the year and some change we waited.. will be over.. We can finally begin our happily ever after..

It's just a year.. just one.

what would you be willing to experience, to go through, to reach your happily ever after?

one more thing... side note

I have also decided not to post our adoption story on this blog.. it is very public, and it's a rather personal story that I would like to keep from judgemental eyes.. If you would like to read my private family blog, please feel free to leave a comment with your email address. All comments are private and come straight to me and I will not publish the comments, that way no one else will have your email. Or feel free to text me or email me any other way you see fit..

Sorry to those that swing by, and don't really wanna take the time to follow the other blog.. We have been hurt considerably by our birth mothers actions and do not want to give her the opportunity to find more ways to peer into our lives..

Thank you

I need a life jacket..

There are certain laws in every state where there are body of waters that regulate that children of a certain age must always wear a life jacket, and there must be a life jacket available for every person on board. What happens when you don't have a life jacket? What happens when you're alone with no one to rescue you? This week we celebrate and stand as we honor those suffering from infertility, and prepare to pave the road for those yet to come.

In 2009 The World Health Organization officially recognized infertility as a diesease. A diesease which is defined by a couple having unprotected sex for 12 months without protection, and fail to accomplish a pregnany. I know, that for most infertiles, if you are as deep into the water of infertility as I am, this is not news to you. In fact, I attended The Utah Infertility Awareness Event last Saturday, and the thing that made me kinda a giggle, was that almost every represenative that I listen to speak, seem to be repeating the same things that I have heard over the past few years.. I guess, I am still waiting for new things to educate me on our little journey.

When we are little girls, we played house, and dolls. We dress them up, and carry them around, and whisper the same sweet little things our mothers did to us when we were still little. I catch myself sometimes looking at a group of girls, and saying to myself "one in three of you will be infertile". I think if my 5 year old self could see me now.. I'd like to she'd kick my butt for not believing that I will be a mom. But, lets be honest picking up a cabbage patch doll isn't gonna fix things, infact I am sure if I carried around a doll.. people might question my sanity.

I divorced my first husband in 2008. After 2 years of being married, I learned, I had irregular period and a tilted uterus. At this point I felt discouraged about my tilted uterus, especially when I read in books and online that it can cause issues getting pregnant.. I think back now, and laugh-Gee, if that was the ONLY issue I had.

In 2009, I married my best friend, I was thrilled. We already knew that a previous marriage had not given me any children, so we started with the doctors visits early. I was diagnosed with PCOS in October of 2009, and given Metformin. By our 1st anniversary, I still was pregnant. We sought assitance from a fertility specialist, and he referred us to an OBGYN, who could help us, and save cost before we went straight to the top. Between June and September of 2010, I would try 3 rounds of Clomid.. Good news! I ovulate.. bad news. not pregnant. In Late September, I would under go the procedure I like to call the death procedure.. an HSG test- or Hystrosalpingogram.. Yes, I know how to say this, given that I refer to it frequently, I'm a pro. Seriously. WORST. TEST. EVER!!! I am promptly diagnosed with a Unicornuate Uterus.. Ugh. Bad news- affect 1 in 4,000 woman.. Good news. Majority of woman didn't even know they had this issue til they went to have babies, and ended up having c-sections revealing said issue. By the end of October, I am one sad, depressed invidual.. I need to heal..

By the beginning of January 2011, I am starting to come to terms with the potential of being infertile.. I start to embrace my destiny. At this point, I stop taking Metformin, I stop counting days, or peeing on a stick every other day. I just live, and enjoy my life with my husband. Untill.. March 2011.. We get a phone call. My sister called to inform me she had a friend who was interested in placing her baby for adoption, and that wants to know if we would like to meet her... Between March and June, we meet our birth mother, fall in love with her, and on June 12th 2011, I hold my little girl for the first time.

In 2009 when infertility was finally being recognized as a diesease. I was just starting to wade myself into these waters. I felt like that although I had let the water rolls up onto the beach and over my toes.. I backed away, and then ran and leaped into the water, as deep as I could go. I didn't know where to go, or how to start. I felt so over whelmed.

Now in 2012, I am about the celebrate my 3rd wedding anniversary, I will watch my little girl distroy her 1st birthcake. I will kneel across the altar from my sweet husband and we will be sealed to our daughter for eternity. At the end of 2012, I will be grateful. I feel so blessed. I know that my life is still young, and I have so much more that I want to do, and accomplish. I know in my heart that I am a mother, regardless of how my children come to me. My infertility is just a diesease, it is something my body is failing to do. But, my body will never fail me of being able to love, and parent a child. Even if they are not biologically mine.

They are still mine...

Now, once again, I stand on the waters edge.. my toes rubbed down into the sand as the water rolls over my toes.. But this time, I notice something different.. the smell of salt breeze against my face, and the warmth of the sun against my skin. I no longer look at the endless possibilities of my infertility, and I now longer allow it to intimidate me, or make me feel weak. I no longer need a life jacket, because I found the life I was looking for all along.

Infertility is the worst things I have ever had to face. I wouldn't wish this pain upon my worst enemy, no one should ever have to hear those words. Infertile. For many of us, we have been on this journey for years. for others we are just starting out. But regardless, if you need a life jacket, if you feel over whelmed, please ask for assistance, find the support, and don't let your troubles weigh you down..

To the fertiles, infertiles, to everyone who reads my blog. I send you a big hug, and encourage you to hug an infertile this week. They need it. Thank you for the support.

less than a month

Yup, that is all that stands in the way of Jon and I signing that paper, and that is all the stands in the way of us being parents to this little girl forever.. I am so over whelmed by so many emotions.. I have been typing up our adoption story the past week, and typing those words onto my little lap top, bring up so many emotions. Reliving the horrible events that took place in November, up to the wonderful, stress releiving moment when I witnessed the birth mother signing the relinquishment papers.. There was a period of time I didn't think we would ever get here. I have tried on several occasions to ask my husband about when we are sealed to Izze, or when we get to bless her. Or how even discussing future vacation plans was a touchy subject.. How would we enjoy a vacation without our daugher? I have cried almost every day the past week.. sometimes out of hurt for the things we went through, other times for feeling so blessed and loved.. Thankfully the spirit has been a constant companion to me.

I have however had the good fortune of several months ago deciding to follow this amazing blog, and facebook page of one the most chique and funny, infertilie/adoptive momma.. that I have ever had the good fortune of reading. I'll call her Mrs. R.. Little did I know, that I would need to read her blog now more than ever. She and her husband recently went through an adoption scam, of being approached by a young lady, who alledgedly was interested in placing a babygirl with said couple. Later they found out, it was a facade, and a scam. Not only that.. This young lady has scammed as of last count 11 others.. :( As I read her blog yesterday, the words rang so true to me on so many different levels. Looking back in retro spective.. All I can think is that our birth mother scammed us too. Although there was a child, and we did bring her home, and eventually were able to successfully have her placed with us.. We know that the birth mother promised another couple the same thing, and who knows if there are more or not. I would like to talk more about our situation, but feel that it is best to wait till May when I can release our adoption story.. which will take place in a series of post.. It's a long story.

I have so many emotions running through me.. I wanna be mad, thinking about what she has done to our family, the hurt, the mistrust.. The fact that we will not be able to have a relationship with her, and we fear that Izze may suffer in the future.. Don't get me wrong, I forgive our birth mother M, I am sad for her. Sad, that she felt that in some way we were the right family, and how she lied to us so many times, and made us feel hopeful.. Only later to find the truth, and her to have no remorse.

I read Mrs. R's blog, and I got birth mother envy-if there is such a thing.. I also got adoptive parent envy of Mrs.R.. She is amazing, and does the most wonderful things every month for her birth mothers.. I want so badly to have a relationship like that with our birth mother, but I fear to allow myself to trust that she will not be completely honest with us in the future. I don't even want to take the risk, and have it come back to bite me in the rump-cheek.. so to speak. We love our birth mother for what she has given us. Our daughter is truly a blessing to our lives. I love watching her learn, and giggle, and play. I just think to myself, CAN SHE GET ANY CUTER?! It breaks my heart to know that things could have been different, that our birth mother felt the need to lie to us so many times, and to drag this process out. We wanted nothing more than to have a wonderful relationship with her, and enjoy an open adoption, that our daughter could truly feel the love around all her.

We are faced with many uncertain things for our future.. Will we try to fix our relationship with our birth mother M? Will Izze want to know her, meet her? How do we go about telling Izze of our experience? I am so grateful for one thing.. I grew up in a single parent home, where my mother played both roles on a constant basis.. My mother never once spoke poorly of my father-she felt it was not her place to make our break that relationship.. I respect my mother, and appreciate that lesson. We will never speak poorly of M, we will let Izze make the decisions on what she wishes to pursue in that matter. But, we will educate her, and prepare her for things she may discover along the way. I am not perfect, I know.. But, I love my daughter, and I want her to know that although her birth mother made poor decisions in her life.. She still loves Izze too. I have to constantly remind myself of this.. Especially on the days when I feel angry about what we went through.

I am so grateful for the support, and to find others have been down this same path, and to find words that I can relate to. I am more than looking forward to our sealing in the next few months. I love this amazing little girl. I love what adoption has done for our family.

Please feel free to read Mrs. R's wonderful blog. There is a lot of information there on adoption, both for adoptive families, and birth parents. She is amazing! Check it our HERE.

temple blessings

*WARNING* This is a post dedicated to my religion- the LDS faith. Here within are personal views, pictures, and other personally important items regarding the LDS church. If you do not agree with and or appose these beliefs I would ask that you not read it, and would also ask that any negative comments be kept to your self. Thank you.



I recently had a reader bring to my attention that they knew little of the mormon faith, and that more information would be appreciated.. I guess that was bad on my part to assume that the moajority of my readers were either LDS or at least familar with the LDS faith.. So, for those of you who are interested, here is my post on my faith, Mormonism.

I was born in 1987, (don't worry this will probably be a long post, but I will try to make it as interesting as possible..) As I was saying, 1987. My parents had been married over 7 years at this point and had already given birth to 4 children, although only 2 were living. My mother was raised Catholic, and my father was raised LDS. My mother would tell me years later, when she and my father married that she had told him in the beginning she refused to convert to the Mormon church.. less than 6 years after marrying him she would be baptized into the faith, and a year later they would go through the San Diego Temple..

My mother later discribed her experience to me, sharing that she was convinced she had joined a cult.. Alright, probably not the best statement to share. Since a lot of people already believe we are in fact a cult.. But, it's the truth. Not the cult part, but how my mother felt. It was more of confusion, and not that she was scared. But, as the years have passed and my mother has been able to return to the temple, these feelings have become that of faith, and love.

The purpose of the temple, is to seal on earth as in heaven. Marriages take place here, baptism for the dead takes place here, and those entering the temple can enter after being proved worthy, to receive their endowments so that they may obtain the blessings and promises set forth by the Lord so that we may return to heaven.

Although, returning to live in the precense of our Savior is not restricted to attending the temple.. It insures you receive those blessing you have been promised.

The purpose of the temple is for us to go and be close to the Lord. Our own little heaven on earth. We go to make and keep sacred covenants, and to receive powerful blessings. It is the one place I can go and feel complete peace, and feel even closer to the Lord, that perhaps he might hear my prayers better.. Although that last statement is just a personal feeling, the Lord can hear your prayers regardless of where you are. The temple plays an essential role in our lives, in God's plan and in our eternal happiness.

Almost 3 years ago, I attended the temple with my husband. With our close family and friends, we entered into the sealing room. We knelt across the altar, and took one anothers hand. We were then sealed for time and eternity.

   

                   

Now, if we were normal people.. lol, if my body would do normal things. If we were to have our own biological children, our children would be born under the covenant. Meaning they would already be fortunate enough to receive some of the blessing of the temple, because they were already part of an eternal family. However, Izze is not our biological child, but that doesn't matter. Because in a few short months we will go back to the temple.. We will kneel across the altar from one another, and take each others hand once more, and then Izze will be placed on the altar next to us. We will then be sealed as an eternal family. What is bound on earth is also in heaven.

This is truly such an amazing experience. The temple blessings are real, and I can testify of the love I feel every time I enter. Either for myself, or to do the work for those that are deceased. It is an amazing place. I would implore that anyone who has never been to find a temple open house near you, and walk through before the temple is dedicated. It is not a secret what takes place in the temple.. but because what takes place is sacred..

If you wish to learn more about the LDS church you can do so HERE.

I can breath....

As many of you already know... It finally happened!!!!! No, I'm not pregnant... But we do have some good news in regards to our daughter... Our birth mother finally relinquished her rights. The battle is over we no longer have to fight. Sigh... Relief. We will be looking to finalize our adoption by May.. Then in July we will finally take our sweet baby girl to the temple and we will be sealed for eternity as a family... I cannot believe we are that close. It has been a long hard journey filled with so many ups and downs.. I will finally be able to blog about our amazing story starting in May so look for those post. Thank you for the support the love and the never ending prayers. We love each and everyone of you and are thrilled to be abke to share this news with you. Thank you again.

ah, I work-out

Alright, it's Monday, beginning of the week... I know. Everyone dislikes Mondays, but today. This Monday... is gonna be a good day for me. Well and for the hubs as well. We started a new diet.. EEEK!!!

Alright, now that is out of my system.. I hate diets, I'll be honest, it's a lot more work to be skinny.. lol, or those who work at it, and keep the weight off.. you're me hero, you make it look so easy! I know, you are probably scolding me as you sit there and read this, so I will shut up, and just say kudo's you earned it..

To the res to of us, who genetics have not been so kind to us.. I have constantly battled being over weight my entire life.. as long as I can remember. Even in sixth grade I was, or well I thought I was fat and gross-thank you pubirty...

I look back now, and see the photos from when I was 12 and think, wow.. You looked great... I wish someone would have told me how beautiful I looked then.

Now, I am 24 and have lots to love.. everywhere on me.. But, I decided it was time to really change that.. I have this theory. If I can't be fat, and pregnant.. I might as well be skinny/healthy and infertile. I earned that much. Plus, it would be nice to be able to walk into any freakin' store and see something cute, and know that I will fit in it.

So, this is how this is gonna work.. My inlaws recently did/are still currently doing. This awesome diet. The best part is, no guessing. Grocery shopping list, for the whole week we will eat the same thing every day.. and now for some people they might think 'I couldn't eat the same thing every day'. Well, that's the genius of the system... because you eat the same thing every day, you get to make all the bulk things Sunday- Rice, chicken etc... dish it out.. put it in the fridge. Ready for the whole week.. GENIUS!

So for the next 12 weeks, I am gonna eat, and work it like no other.. I am gonna lose 30 lbs by the end of June!! Gulp.. I can do this...right?

I started my morning out with this tastey banana shake.. with oats. Yummy! I aslo have an egg burrito with salsa.. :)

So far.. so good. I figure if I can get through the first week, I can do this! Wish me luck.. Maybe at the end of 12 weeks I will post my before and after photos!! Which lets pray there is a difference in 12 weeks 'cause the before photos are just gross...

 Okay wish me luck.. Happy Monday everyone!

Oh and if you're wondering, the diet plan is called ' Live the Life' You can check them out HERE.



That was amazing..

This Weekend was General Conference... for those of you that are LDS, this comes as no surprise, but for those of you who are not, I will give ya a quick run down... All the Mormons, either attend the conference in person, in Salt Lake City, Utah.. Or they watch from home. Millions of people world wide tune in every 6 months to enjoy uplifting talks, and messages provided from our leaders. It was just what I needed today. Really. I can't remember the last time I watched all 4 sessions, really watched, and listened.. and felt the spirit. It was fantastic.


Out of all the things I watched, and heard today... This is the one thing that just made me cry. The spirit was so over whelming. Everyone could benefit from watching this video..

That being said, I moved forward with my day feeling good about things, and once again.. Facebook called my name... I answered.. I know bad on a Sunday and everything.. Story of my life.

But, today.. I think it had a good turn out. I follow several little infertility groups and what not, and I referred to an adorable blog, Called 'The Happiest Sad' You can read about this wonderful BirthMom HERE.

It is probably the most moving blog I have ever had the good fortune of reading. Perhaps mainly because I wish with all my heart, that our BirthMom could have been this wonderful, that things hadn't gone down the road they did... Reading this womans blog makes me love her. I may never meet her, but I love her. I could never imagine the fear, loss, and over whelming strength it would take to place your baby for adoption...

I know, I may never even have my own children, but I will know the joy of parenthood, through adoption.

Alright, putting down the tissue and walking away from the computer.. *sniff sniff*

3rd annual Infertility Awareness

I won't lie.. I am super excited about this event.. I have never attended, but I am going this year a long with my good friend M, and hopefully my little sis. It is an amazing event from what I hear, and read. People really find the support, and comfort that only comes from talking to someone who has "been there". Or as one blogger put it-It's fantasitc to be with your species... It's so true. Most fertile people look at me awkardly when they start talking about thier pregnancies, and then I chime in, oh yea.. Well, I used ovulation kits, pillows under my butt, clomid, and painful test... only discover that my body is broke... Wanna talk about my dead dog now?

No?

My bad- any way, back to the event. If you live in Utah, I hope that you take advantage of this opportunity, and really awesome once you find there are others, every one deserves a voice, no one chooses to be infertile..

You can check out more information HERE You can check out the line up for the speakers, and I hope to see you there..

PS. If you happen to go, and you see me... don't be like the creepy stalker lady at the hospital.. you know who you are!! lol. I am a nice person and it won't weird me out that you know my name,  or my whole life story.. promise.

Help us make a stand

Alright folks, I am calling on everyone to help with this. They are trying to pass a bill to mandate that states cover for testing and infertility treatments. We are far from reaching our goal of the needed signatures in order for this bill to move forward!! Please follow this link HERE. Tell your friends, your family, everyone who will listen.

You may not need this coverage, but thousands and thousands of individuals are suffering with infertility, and many will never find peace, or joy of being a parent even through adoption. You're helping dreams come true.

Please, blog this, post it on Facebook, email everyone. Help us make a stand, if not for you, for the person in your life who is suffering in silence, help give us a voice!!

Thank you for all of the support and love.

She poked me!

First of all, I just have to share in the past two days I have had 3 different people compliment me for a few different things, and it has seriously made me feel amazing. Espeically after recent events in my life. Also, sorry this is kind of a long post..

Recently I been experiencing some irregular bleeding, and pain so I decided to give my obgyn, on the urging of my good friend B. Upon calling and bleeding my case to the nurse, and expressing my concern of a potential ectopic pregnancy, especially since I only gots the one tube-wouldn't that just be my luck that I get pregnant and the little champ decides to take a pit stop and start growing in my fallopian tube. Seesh!

Anyway, the nurse requested that I promptly go over to the hospital and have my blood drawn so they could get the results back right away.Ugh... fine...

I run over, spend 25 mins waiting for registration and then waiting to have my blood drawn. The lady of course only take two mins to draw my blood... Have I told you how much I freakin' hate having my blood drawn. I hate needles, and I am not good at it. I revert to a child, and half wanting to throw myself on the ground and have a good tempertantrum! But alas-deep breath- big girl panties...
I forget about it for a few hours, and decide it's time to call the doctors office and get the results... Of course I have to wait for the nurse to call me back.. I have pray inside that she doesn't call... sigh.. five minutes later.

"Hi this is the nurse from *** obgyn, we have your results back" yes... "The results were negative.. if nothing changes with your bleeding please call us back next week" Alright... thank you..

Alright, first of all.. I knew it was gonna be negative.. But, like always I fell back into infertility trap, and believed that for a moment it might be possible... This is like the worst thing ever.. it's like telling a kid you're going to get him a bike, take him to the store, have him pick it out, buy it, take it home, and throw it in the garbage!

Really that's what it's like every time my period is a day late, or the times I decide to take a pregnancy test, and while I am waiting for the time to end so I can stare at my big fat negative... I get lost for just a moment in my own thoughts and start thinking of  the names I will have choosen out, or how holding my baby for the first time will be amazing... and then it's negative, and those thoughts are once again pushed to the back of my mind.

It's hard, I'll be honest, this part sucks. I hate feeling in limbo on whether or not I will ever be a mother, but I will say, that yesterday at wal-mart a woman and her daughter stopped me to make baby faces at Iz. Of course Iz was all smiles, and the lady asked if she was always this happy. I responded and told her yes, and that considering how she started her life withdrawling, and spending a lot of time crying and screaming, her being happy now, is wonderful. This woman looked at me, and told me thank you. She thanked me for being willing to love a child with such hardships, and giving her a better life.. Yes, I got choked up. I had never once thought of it like that, I had only ever thought of it like that. I just knew that I loved Iz the first time I laid eyes on her, and I knew that she was mine regardless of how she got here.

It's that right there that makes this all worth it. I love that little girl, and I know that the other children we will be blessed with, I will love just as much.. I just hate not having any control, or insight to this aspect of my life.

Thank you to those individuals who have sent me messages, and to those who have left comments, I cannot begin to tell you how much they help me. I will keep you posted on the whole doctor follow-up I am calling tomorrow to set up an appointment for Monday.. We will see.

Guess what I did!!!

I became a consultant for PureRomance!!

You can check out my website HERE,

It's serisouly a great company, and lets face it.. if you know me personally, you know that talking about sex, is like the easiest thing for me.. Sorry if I am making you blush. But really, I love this company!

Take a peek, and don't be shy.. No one will know you looked, and the best part is.. You can get free product, by hosting a party!!

Oh also, come Like my facebook page!!

You can do that HERE!

Alright, enjoy your day, and thanks for all your support!!



I didn't realize that.

So, today I was talking a good friend of mine, who is going through her own infertility process. She has been blessed with a beautiful little boy. But, like more woman in our situation. When you know the pain of infertility, having a baby in your arms never changes the fact that you know additional children may be a challange.

As I was attempting to comfort her, I started to think about our journey through this whole process. The things that I have learned and experienced, and of course the heart break that followed every time.

But since we started this journey almost 3 years ago, things have changed. I went through somethings that I never have could have imagined. I witnessed things that should never have occuried. This changed how I saw the world, and how I chose to deal with my inferility.. I knew I had felt this way, but it wasn't till today when I typed these words on the screen of my computer, that I finally realized that I am okay with my infertility.


"There is a reason you cannot have children. The Lord has other plans. But if your heart is open, the children that are meant to be in your family will come to you. Everyones journey has a reason, and sometimes the journey your children take to get to you may not always be the one you had planned. But, regardless they are yours and love you just as much. An eternal family is made up of people who love each other, not if they are biologically related"

A huge impact has been made on me. I embrace my infertility, and take pity on it.. I count every blessing that adoption brings into my life, and I know that there are more children who are waiting to come to our family. I know that the power of the priesthood, and through temple sealings, we are an eternal family. I am so very blessed to know this.

Everyone has a different journey, and story that is waiting to be written. Coming to terms with your trials is something that must be done in your own time. Don't force it, and beautiful things will happen when you can be healed.

I don't usually do this, and for those of you who want you're welcome to skip this part-

But, I want to bare my testimony, I believe in the Lords plan, and although sometimes I am weak, and I get frustrated with the things in my life that I feel are unfair.. I have the understanding in my heart that the Lord gave me this trial for a reason. I am capable of loving any child. This I know. I also know that the Lord always keeps his promises, we must be patient enough to receive them. I am so grateful for my family, regardless of how it's made.

We may be imperfect, our family may be patched together, and have different people and faces. But we are beautiful, and we love each other.

I hope the things in your life that you feel are missing, you can find peace for the reason. Or lack of reason.

She is beautiful

You know what the best smell in the entire world is?

New baby smell..

No joke. Serisouly my favorite smell in the entire world. I love nothing more than feeling this small warm little wonder, against your chest. It is truly amazing.

Today..

I got to smell the most wonderful smell.

My best friend, along with her husband. Welcomed their precious little miracle into the world this afternoon..

She is beautiful.

I was there.  

It's true, there is nothing more beautiful, more peaceful, than witnessing the birth of a new baby.

It was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life, I was so honored to photograph the whole process.

It's hard to believe just over 8 months ago my little girl was the bundle of blankets pressed against me.. Now she is almost walking, and attempting to talk, and be as grown-up as possible for a little girl..

Such a wonderful experience.

Walking through the hall-way of the Mothers unit, and seeing the tiny infants in the nursery as I practically press my face against the glass. It brings back a flood of emotions. From my infertility, to this whole adoption process.

It's nice to feel at peace.

for once.

I feel so blessed. I know my life isn't perfect-no ones is.. But for a few hours this afternoon. It was perfect.

Congratulations to my best friend. I love you so much. You more than deserve this.

REALLY?!

So, the other day, I decided to write another post... I know, go me! Well, Blogger was being such a stink about things... I couldn't even freakin tittle my post!! So, I decided to post it anyway... Well apparently it didn't even put it up! Super annoyed. Not that the blog was special or anything.. it was just about making goals.

Thanks to my best friend J, who so kindly left a comment on my blank post.. *rolling eyes* I am kinda bent about the whole situation, especially because it was a very moving, and inspiring blog post.. I mean, it's the kinda stuff that makes ya cry! Alright not reallly, it wasn't even that close to making anyone cry.. in fact, after I typed it, and read through it.. I thought it was kinda boring.. Maybe Blogger realized how dang boring the post was, and refused to post it, out of consideration to me... Yeah, I am reaching for the bottom of the barrel here... lol.

Alright, that being said- set goals, reach high, have a great day.. lol..

you wanna buy a sun dial?

Alright, not the best title to a blog.. But, When you see the last photo I have posted.. You'll totally get it, and have a good laugh. Just so you know. this is really hard for me.. I know you are probably thinking to yourself- What on earth could be so difficult? Well. For starters. It is probably the first time in a very very long time I have intentionally taken a photo of my whole body. For Secondly, I am putting said photos of my body up on my blog for all the critics of the world.. So, Yes. This is hard for me. But, honest to my word, and for my modivation, and more or less having someone to answer to. This is more or less setting my self up for success... or failure... Here is hoping to success!!

Pictures from all the terrible angles included... My best friend B, was so kind as to take this photos for me.. I can honestly I am very much looking forward to the 'after' photos..

At this moment.. I am not gonna be posting my weight.. Although I am sure you were on the edge of your seat waiting for those precious numbers... Perhaps later I will feel more confident in doing so. But, as of today, January 28th I am down 7 lbs from my start weight. Here is to hoping to more motivation, and to more weight loss. I am gonna go have a glass of water, and head to bed!!

So, wanna buy a Sun Dial?lol.

Thanks B

Hallelujah!!!

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!! you're not gonna believe it!!! I got my precious laptop up and running again.. for the second time.. I know, I know. I had issue with  the whole computer charger cord thingy, and thankfully that has all been resolved thanks to my in-laws. Love them!

On to other things.
*This part may be TMI, just sayin' you may wanna scroll all the way down to the bottom of the post. *

I finally decided to put on my big girl panties, and go in and have an annual done. Oh the joys of having your heels in stirrups, and a light shined at your crotch.. Thankfully this time, my best friend B recommended her nurse practitioner, Kellie, and I have to say. I really like having a female OB. I got a chance to sit down and talk with her before we decided to strip me naked. I got to express my concerns with my irregular cycles, and with my pcos, and potentially my thyroid. I had a whole list of concerns, and althought 8 weeks ago I was greatly considering using birth control to regulate my cycle. As of Monday this week, I had convinced myself to not do the birth control. We also talked about my diet, and losing weight, and managing my health issues to improve my chances of conception.

Then came the part, where she walked me to a room, pointed to the little paper cover, "put that on", and the paper sheet, "put that over your lap". Can I just tell you, I've never had an issue strippin' down to my bare bottom. But, really, being alone, in a new doctors office, stripping butt naked, and wrapping some thin paper around you, and then having to sit for 15 mins waiting for someone to come back in. Not, my idea of a fun morning. I will tell you however, the exam table I was sitting on, heated baby. I didn't notice it till I laid on my back, and thought to myself, wow my butt warmed this puppy up big time. Even though I spoke this thought out aloud, Kellie didn't even bat an eye, and shared that the table was heated for the comfort of the patients. THANK YOU!! Obviously a woman thought of this little feature.

Well, 5 quick mins later, I was told, I had no cyst or polyps in my uterus, and it was once again confirmed I have a tilted uterus. Then I was instructed to start taking prenatal vitamins.(free samples? Well don't mind if I do!) Then it was across the hall, to the lab to draw 5 viles of blood-UGH!- Where it took the sweet little gal about 5 mins to find a good vain, but man she popped those bad boys out fast. The next thing I knew, there was a 5 viles starring up at me from the equipment table. Thankfully I didn't faint, and my arm didn't hurt one bit.. It's moments like this, where I say to myself, why aren't there lollipops in the OBGYN's office?! I'm a big girl *refer to beginning of blog* I wore my big girl panties and everything! I treated myself to some granny smith apples. yum.

Now we wait. It's been over a year since we have actively have done anything about my infertility. I know that chances for me conceiving are still slim. I know that the forces of negative infertility are fighting us every step of the way. But, I am okay with that. I have excepted my infertility, and regardless of the fact that currently I cannot bare any children, or well at least I have yet to do so. It doesn't define me. I will be a mom.

I am excited for this new adventure, to be healthy, to finally get my body balanced, and to lose weight. It's time for a change, and to be happy.

I taste soap in my mouth!

First of all. This post has nothin to with soap. I serisouly taste soap in my mouth. Maybe it's due to the fact that I am terribly ashamed for my lack of blogging, I am gonna sulk over here in the corner for a moment.. Ugh.

Sulking done. Oh did you by chance see our Christmas photos? Silly me.. probably not, especially since I haven't been on here, and I have failed to post any. I can only post one, due to legal reason, and foster care.. :( All you get to look at our mine and Jon's ugly faces..
*If you're afraid of going blind.. look away now!!

Alright.. It isn't awful.. But, I wish I could post more. Until I can, this is what ya get! So, why you may ask did I decide to sit down and blog? Well.. I am starting, I am gonna change. I have started to realize I want all of these amazing things for myself, and I am not doing myself any justice, by not living healthy, and being happy in the body I want. So, screw new years resolutions, give it up for February Conquest! So, on Monday the 30th, I will post before photos, and my goals for myself and such.

I know kinda boring, but the good news is, if I can lose weight, and be healthy, committing to try again to make some babies will be a lot easier.. mainly because when it doesn't happen, I won't beat myself up for being infertile and fat. Trying to stay positive here...

Alright, well, I will write a more detailed blog in the next couple of days, but I felt I had to jump on here and get this out there to stay more committed to being healthy.

Here is to healthy living, positive self image, and to looking slammin' in a swim suit this summer! Lol, and if it doesn't happen you are NOT getting any photos of that!! Then you will go blind! LOL

when faith is enough..

I was trying to think of what to name this post.. But, you can really name something that means so much. Many of you are aware of the current situation we are in. Especially in regards to our adoption, the emotional toll, and the finanacial one as well... I never imagined at the beginning of this year.. We would be here.

Many of us in the family have really been struggling with the whole commitment of faith, considering that there are so many things that are taking place at once, and the roller coaster we seem to be on everyday. It's hard, when someone ask what we think will happen, or our odds. Now, all I can do is look at them and say. 'it's in the Lords hands.'

There are moments in life, where lets face it. Life happens. In those moments where you think you have it all figured out, and someone decides to through a wrench in the works.

This past month has been the most spiritually rewarding time in our lives. I have never felt so blessed, and so surrounded by love... It really has been moments where we have been looking over the edge... ready to jump... This quote fits us perfectly.


This really has been our moments. I have felt isolated, hurt and betrayed.. Shortly followed by humility, gratitude, and love... I can honestly say the Lord has a plan, he knows what we need... We just need to listen..

I am writting this post because I know there are a lot of people who read and have followed with a watchfull eye of the happenings in our life. Your prayers have been felt, as well as your faith. I have countless family members who bring me strength. I want them to know... Although you may feel like your faith isn't enough... Showing me that your faith is still intact.. gives me strength to push forward.. You set an example for my family, and I love you all so much.

I've spent so many moments in quite prayer, in moments where I felt I had nothing left... all I really needed was my faith.