Ova-October

Just Well, I thought my title was catchy enough. We are now 8 days into October, and since my last post I can now provide a few updates.. yeah! I can proudly say I started this cycle all by myself. Following my post on cd 34 I started without the assistance of Progesterone. The cramps were not as bad, and I was just grateful that my body did something! I spent the first portion of my cycle, coming unglued.

I called my Dr's office the morning after starting my cycle, to inform them I needed my next round of clomid, and the progesterone suppository we had had previously talked about. I then spent the majority of the day in bed, as working graves has been sleeping all day. However I woke up around 5, and good thing I did, cause my Dr's office called me back..

"Hello?"

"Is this Sarah?"

"Yes."

"Sarah, I spoke with K.P. and she told me that she cannot prescribe the 150mg of clomid to you as she had originally agreed to do.."

"WHAT?!"

"I'm am so sorry, you might be able to call tomorrow, and see if you can get in to see one of the doctors before cd 3, other than that, there isn't much we can do.."

"So you're saying, I just have to take the 100mg, and hope it works?! We are basically walking into October just wasting a cycle!"

This is when I started crying, and the nurse began to ramble. I was so mad, and I seriously dragged myself around the rest of the night, just devastated. I had 2 days to try to get in to see one of the doctors, or it was going to be a wasted cycle. I tell you what, the next morning I jumped outta bed so fast and was on the phone by 8:05.. I wasn't messin' around. By 9.. so much for being up early.. I finally decided to leave a message as they had not even turned on their phones. By 10:30, when no one called back, I called them. This time the receptionist answered, I gave her the low down, and as much as I could be on my knees over the phone, begged her to find an appointment for me. She asked if I would hold, so she could go talk to K.P., and one of the doctors. longest 5 mins of my life. She finally gets back on the phone, and declares that the doctors will make an exception this one time-PHEW!!- but the want to see me later this month. I can do that! Just give the crazy lady her pills!

After that mayhem, I then had the worst time getting my progesterone suppository from the pharmacy, as it needed to be compounded. I am not gonna say which pharmacy it was, but I can tell you this much. I am never go back to the place. It was awful! And I got the run around, and ended up paying more than what I wanted to, or even should have.. *Shakes fist*

It was like everything was working against this month. between the doctors office, the pharmacy, I didn't think I was even gonna get a chance to take the stupid clomid! Isn't it enough that I am infertile? Do we really have to make it that much harder?

Anyway, we are now at cd 14 into my cycle, and I can happily say I have officially Ovulated.

*THIS IS NOT A PREGNANCY TEST!!!! IT'S AN OVULATION TEST!!! *

So, this line isn't super impressive.. the camera didn't do it justice. But, Between the cervical mucus, and my cervix positioning, I think it's a safe bet. But cd 21 blood draw will be the deciding factor.. Here is hoping right?

As for the now sugar thing. It's going great! I have lost 12 lbs since I have started.. It was 14, but I had a little bit too much of the carbs variety the other days. So, I gotta do better about that. But, I feel really motivated to stick to this, and be healthy.. I can't wait!

Alright, I'll let ya get back to whatever you were doing, and I am gonna sit here, and twiddle my thumbs in my two week wait. Wish me luck!

What to know, before you go!: infertility journey

Recently, I have been busy with a few things, especially regarding my infertility, and as I approach the near end of this year. I am confronted with the thought, I have been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years now.. 3 years of my life dedicated to getting knocked up, do you know how much sex that is?! Really I am sure that my husband isn't really complaining too much. But, we have hit a lot of bumps in the road, and I just know, that there are things that I wish I had known then, that I know now.. That could have saved me so much hassle.

I had a dear friend of mine, send me a message the other day, asking if I could give her some tips and suggestions as she and her husband start their process. That's when it dawned on me.. Everyone should know. I am pretty sure as your browse the Internet-FYI MOMENT: Most infertile are great at browsing the Internet. Seriously, I have some wicked skills. I know how to type in something just right to get the answer I am looking for. Any way, as I was saying. As you browse the Internet, you are bound to find a ton of suggestions and different ways to improve your journey, but this right here. This is a post with a great list, from different contributing infertiles such as myself.

1. Don't waste your time: True story, time is not always your friend. If you have been trying to conceive for a year or more without a pregnancy. GO GET CHECKED!!! If you are over 35 and have been trying for 6 months, GO GET CHECKED!!! Allowing more time, or thinking that you haven't given it enough time, is a recipe for more heart ache later on.

2. It is okay to grieve. Infertility is a real loss. It's a loss of your dreams, your wants for the future. When you hear those words your worlds come crashing in, and it is okay to scream, punch a pillow, and eat lots of ice cream.

3. Before you start with just any old physician.. Make sure you check their knowledge on infertility, if you have questions they can't answer, leave! I know not everyone is ready to jump into the Reproductive Doctors Office. So look into options. If you are seeking to just run some test, check your levels, or basic ultrasounds. A good OB can do that for you. They can even prescribe clomid- FYI MOMENT: If your Dr is willing to write you a prescription for clomid, but won't do a blood test to check for ovulation later in your cycle. NOT THE DR FOR YOU!!! I promise this will save you lots of time, and money if you can find an OB that is willing to do that. By the time you walk into an Re's office, you will have plenty of records and proof that you were running test, and hopefully have found out your issues, before you shell out the big bucks.

4. Research different ways of checking for ovulation, and for improving your chances of conception. Believe it or not, there are different things you can do. Ovulation Prediction Kits, Cervical Mucus, Temperature.. Timing sex just right, etc. Don't just assume that have sex will get you pregnant-Before you say anything, just having sex CAN get you pregnant, I mean thousands of people do it every year.. But you may need some more help..

5. Know the differences between a regular doctor, your OB, and an RE;Reproductive Endocrinologist. Just because your doctor has a medical degree from fancy college.. does not make him a specialist on infertility.

6. Know what kind of test SHOULD be performed in order to rule certain issues out. You can find info HERE and HERE. Remember knowledge is power, and lets face it. Some of the time, your will have more knowledge about your body, then your doctor.

7. Remember, it's okay to release your inner bitch! Becoming your own advocate will get you so far with infertility. Some doctors want to drag their feet.. Don't let them. Or find a different doctor. I wast 6 months with a doctor only to find out later, biggest waste of time and money!

8. Infertility is hard enough as it is, but if you can't become your own voice, and stand up for your needs. You will not be doing yourself any good. It is okay to be selfish in these time. If you need to skip a baby shower, or skipping out a family dinner cause your cousin is pregnant, again, for the 3rd time. Then do it. Your family, and your friends may not support you, and call you out on it. Who cares. You DESERVE HAPPINESS, and until you can cope with infertility, you are completely allowed to skip certain events.

9. Don't assume everyone will be compassionate about your pain. Some people might say they understand, or they are sorry. People will say THE DUMBEST things to you, assuming it will help. Let it roll off your back. There are support groups throughout the country, and support groups online. There will always be SOMEONE you understands. Don't be afraid to reach out.

10. Infertility takes a toll on everything.. Your marriage, your health, your relationships, your finances, It can at times become a complete obsession. Find different was of rekindling your romance, or different ways to celebrate small triumphs.

11. Having a baby, doesn't fix your sorrows and real pain of infertility. Adopting a baby, or conceiving one doesn't erase the pain you went through to get to that point. Your reality of infertility is just that, REALITY.

12. You can never do enough research. Seriously. Research EVERYTHING!!! The meds, the doctors, everything under the sun!! I have looked up countless things on the Internet attempting to gain some knowledge, and it has really helped. If you can't find it, don't be afraid to call you doctor, or find another infertile, and hit her up!

13. Always remember.. Infertility does not define you as a person. Although it has, and will create a huge impact on your life.. It doesn't mean you are that person. Break free from that mold. Become an advocate for infertility. It is a real disease, thousands and thousands of people are suffering from it. Don't be afraid to stand up and speak out. Someone else could be suffering in silence, and you could be their saving grace.

I wish I could hug you, and tell you that everything is going to be alright. But I can't make that promise. You are the maker of your life, and you can control the path you take. Knowledge is power. Don't lose hope, don't let infertility consume you. You are better than this, and some stupid condition isn't going to rule your life.

I hope this has helped. It was wonderful to be able to get some insight from the other ladies in my life that have, and or are in the same shoes as myself. Be brave in your journey, regardless of where it takes you.

I spoke too soon!

I got an unexpected call from my Gyno office today. Apparently my wonderful nurse practitioner changed her mind on plans we had made last week during my session of phone calls to the office asking about clomid. I was just suppose to call on the first day of my next cycle, have them write me a pretty prescription for hot-flash inducing clomid. But, we have decided to skip this cycle. We are going to test my progesterone levels on day 21 of my next cycle.. Ugh more waiting?!

I hate this part of infertility.. not so much the fact that I can't get pregnant by sneezing.. It's the fact I gotta wait to get pregnant. Or even test to see if I am ovulating..  This totally reminds me.

My sister just celebrated her birthday over the weekend and at the birthday party we played a game called 'What If?' You take a peice of paper and a pen, and write down a what if question. You then fold the paper, and place it in a hat, bowl, whatever. After everyone places their paper in the the bowl, you then devide the papers, hoping you down get the one you put in. If it happens just trade with someone. You then read the new question on your paper, and write down an answer. After everyone has written down their answer, the game really starts.

So say, I read my question. The person to my right read their answer. Sometimes it doesn't make any sense, other times it's hilarious. Any way, back to my story.

So, one of the questions someone wrote down was, 'What if it only took 9 days to have a baby and not 9 months?'. Could you imagine? lol, it would take out all of the waiting.. lol. The only down side is, thinking of how many periods you would have a year?! YIKES!

Alright off to go wait for af to visit me! I hope everyone had a great weekend, and as sad as I am that we will not be finalizing our adoption this week. We are excited to finalize by the end of the month, and hopefully be able to have even more good news! Woot!

Emergency Room Extravagenza

So, against my better judement.. I decided to go to the doctors yesterday.. Why you might ask? Well, I was under the impression that I cyst rupture, I was in a lot of pain, and really couldn't handle it any longer.. So off we went. We started at the insta care, cause lets face it. I hate the ER. Upon arriving at the insta care, we were told that they couldn't hep us because they didn't have an ultra sound machine, and it wouldn't do me any good to be seen by them... So, load back up in the car, cry because the thought of driving over ever curb and pot hole makes you cringe, and head over to the hospital.

Which, let me tell you.. My husband and I had already been having a bad day. You know the kind of day where you get poor customer service everywhere you go, people ar rude to you, and everyone seems to be driving the same speed, RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER!! So, that you cannot pass them. Yeah, it was already a bad day, spending the rest of my Saturday in the ER was not high on my list. We got there were only 2 other people in front of us.. So checking in, and getting my blood pressure and temp taken were relatively quick. Then, we were told that they were in the middle of cleaning rooms, and someone would come out and get us in just a min. Which we sat and waited for 30 min till someone came and got us. Upon which, 2 children came in with fevers. One little 18 month old came in wih a bump and cut on her fore head. One teenage boy came in for stiches, one little 12 year old came with a broken wrist-which we heard them setting like and hour later and the screams were so awful I made my husband shut the door to my room so I couldn't hear him.. It just broke my heart. Needless to say, the ER is a hopin' place on a Saturday night.

We got back to our room, the nurse asked me to put on a gown and undress from the waist up.. I asked twice to make sure I had heard right, since it sounded like a strange request.. Later I found out, that it wasn't needed.. The doctor came up, poked at me for a bit, and then decided to have some blood work done, an IV put in some pain meds given, and an ultra sound. So, 30 mins later, one painful IV inserted, and I'm being wheeled into the ultra sound room. Mind you at this point we thought it was going to take a lot longer so my husband decided to run an errand, so I had to go sit through an ultrasound all by myself.


 

Following the ultrasound and finding nothing to be concerned.. no cyst.. and obviously no pregnancy...:( Is it sad that the only ultra sounds that I have gotten in my life thu far have never involved a pregnancy.

After the ultrasound showed nothing, I then got a cat scan. Which they ordered after they started to suspect that it may be appendisitis. Oh just FYI, the medicine they inject to your iv during the scan, it really makes you feel like you've pee'd your pants. Oh, and you know who have a bad spine if the ER doctor brings it up and that isn't even the reason you came in...

This is me after a round of pain killers, and more poking and proding... I am glad you can't tell how badly I had been crying..

Well... I am glad to tel you that after hours and hours of laying around taking test, peeing cups, and what not... They discovered... absolutely nothing... They couldn't find what was wrong.. So, I called them this morning, and no one called me back so.. 5 hours later I finally called her back, and thankfully they answered... They weren't able to get me in today, which sucks cause my side is still killing me, and I hadn't eaten all day since I figured that is what they would need. The only opening they had was for tomorrow afternoon, so I get to spend the day starving waiting for a test that is going to take 2 hours... wonderful. All I know is I deserve a good dinner after that! Ugh. Alright, I need to go back to bed, I'll keep you posted on the test.. Oh and also to follow in the next couple of weeks my appointment with the Orthopethic Doctor about my spine that's messed up! :)

birth control..

If you're wondering why on earth would an infertile talk about birth control on her blog... Well lets face it.. I haven't used birth control since highschool, to regulate my cycles... When I got married I throw out my little pink case, and said good bye to anything that would prevent me from conceiving.. 2 marriages later, and years of research, heart ache, and zero pregnancies... Birth control might be the only answer. Lately with my irregular cycle, I was starting to fear that the only solution would be birth control.. I finally made an appointment last week, and this morning I met with my nurse practictioner-Kelli Parker. Basically the coolest lady ever!

We went over the whole irregular cycle issue, and the fact that I had been into the hospital to get a pregnancy test, and all that good stuff. I then told her the words I had been treading to udder... gulp. Birth control.. Ugh. I almost whispered it. Like I was back in 7th grade and struggling to say the word sex.. without giggling. But, I swallowed the words as quickly as the left my lips.

-Rational moment- the words birth countrol, were quickly followed by the resonable person insdie me.. We have been trying for almost 3 years to get pregnant, what is a few months sacrificed to help my body.. Yeah, think what you will.. It made me feel a lot better.

Thankfully, Kelli listened to my plight, and recommended a course of action over the next 5-6 months to help me get knocked up. Starting with my Metformin, then if that doesn't regulate my cycles, birth control.. But, if my cycle does better with the Metformin, I can go in for a progesterone test, to see if I am ovulating on my own.. If I am not.. Ugh.. then a couple of rounds of clomid... If helps then I get to include a progesterone v.suppository.. You know a whole list of special procedure to help conception  and the possibility of sustaining said pregnancy...

This is the part that terrifies me... We have been here before.. But, this time, it's different. We have a different practitioner, someone who is more than willing to help us, and is sensitive to our situation. Which is reasurring... But, at the same time.. I am so scared.. I am scared of getting my hopes up, I am scared of failure.. and most of all I am scared of falling back into the dark place.. the place where my infertility took me the first time.. The nights I cried and carried on to my best friend B.. or the number of cycles of clomid I did and watched while everyone else got pregnant and I sat on the sidelines.. I would give anything to skip these next coming months. To be somebody else, and to not live that pain.. It likes be willing to jump off a cliff, only to land on the spears that are pointed up toward you... You know you're gonna die, that it will hurt. But for some reason you do it because this time it might work.. So, you don't give up. Because this could be it.

Here is to months of trying, to babydust, and lots of luck.. I only hope this time the Lord hears our prayers and we are blessed with more children.

Hallelujah!!!

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!! you're not gonna believe it!!! I got my precious laptop up and running again.. for the second time.. I know, I know. I had issue with  the whole computer charger cord thingy, and thankfully that has all been resolved thanks to my in-laws. Love them!

On to other things.
*This part may be TMI, just sayin' you may wanna scroll all the way down to the bottom of the post. *

I finally decided to put on my big girl panties, and go in and have an annual done. Oh the joys of having your heels in stirrups, and a light shined at your crotch.. Thankfully this time, my best friend B recommended her nurse practitioner, Kellie, and I have to say. I really like having a female OB. I got a chance to sit down and talk with her before we decided to strip me naked. I got to express my concerns with my irregular cycles, and with my pcos, and potentially my thyroid. I had a whole list of concerns, and althought 8 weeks ago I was greatly considering using birth control to regulate my cycle. As of Monday this week, I had convinced myself to not do the birth control. We also talked about my diet, and losing weight, and managing my health issues to improve my chances of conception.

Then came the part, where she walked me to a room, pointed to the little paper cover, "put that on", and the paper sheet, "put that over your lap". Can I just tell you, I've never had an issue strippin' down to my bare bottom. But, really, being alone, in a new doctors office, stripping butt naked, and wrapping some thin paper around you, and then having to sit for 15 mins waiting for someone to come back in. Not, my idea of a fun morning. I will tell you however, the exam table I was sitting on, heated baby. I didn't notice it till I laid on my back, and thought to myself, wow my butt warmed this puppy up big time. Even though I spoke this thought out aloud, Kellie didn't even bat an eye, and shared that the table was heated for the comfort of the patients. THANK YOU!! Obviously a woman thought of this little feature.

Well, 5 quick mins later, I was told, I had no cyst or polyps in my uterus, and it was once again confirmed I have a tilted uterus. Then I was instructed to start taking prenatal vitamins.(free samples? Well don't mind if I do!) Then it was across the hall, to the lab to draw 5 viles of blood-UGH!- Where it took the sweet little gal about 5 mins to find a good vain, but man she popped those bad boys out fast. The next thing I knew, there was a 5 viles starring up at me from the equipment table. Thankfully I didn't faint, and my arm didn't hurt one bit.. It's moments like this, where I say to myself, why aren't there lollipops in the OBGYN's office?! I'm a big girl *refer to beginning of blog* I wore my big girl panties and everything! I treated myself to some granny smith apples. yum.

Now we wait. It's been over a year since we have actively have done anything about my infertility. I know that chances for me conceiving are still slim. I know that the forces of negative infertility are fighting us every step of the way. But, I am okay with that. I have excepted my infertility, and regardless of the fact that currently I cannot bare any children, or well at least I have yet to do so. It doesn't define me. I will be a mom.

I am excited for this new adventure, to be healthy, to finally get my body balanced, and to lose weight. It's time for a change, and to be happy.

This Nurse is an idiot

So, we went to our appointment, as scheduled.. We were ten minutes early, and anxious to get it done and over with. We waited for nearly 15 mins, the nurses are in charge of checking to see if they have any charts, and this stupid nurse failed to check. People who came in after us, to see the other doctor, were walked back into their rooms within 5 mins of getting there... HELLO??

We finally get back there, and she ask us what we were there to see the doctor for? Well obviously to follow up on the clomid, and to talk about the appointment, we had with the "specialist". She gave us this deer in the head lights look, and asked again, so you want to talk to the doctor about the appointment?.... Um.... Yes...

I then explained that we are intending to post pone any more cycles of clomid, and go on a break. She typed a few more sentences on the screen.. Then replied, and asked why we wanted to take a break? Is that really any of you business? I then shared that we wanted to live stress free for the next few months, not tracking anything, or planning when to make love. We wanted to just do something with our selves over the next little while...

She stood up, and with a half hearted smile on, said "Well I guess you don't need an exam today if you aren't going to do another cycle, but lets get a urine test to make sure" No, I don't think you understand, it's a little to early to test in my cycle. This shut her up, and she then proceeded to tell me then doctor would make the decision.. But she returned only to say the doctor said I didn't need to test!

Ha, stupid nurse... I hate this nurse, we get her seriously almost every time we go in, and she is just dumber than a door nail. Ugh, lucky the nurse our Doctor brings into the room with him, is awesome, and witty, so it makes up for the crappy service we receive before they enter the room.

We are still in limbo, and waiting for the last of this cycle to finish up, and we can finally begin to think about different things. Instead of a baby, I will be thinking about which apartment is better, or I will be thinking about what I want to do when I am finished with school next May... Oh the choices to make.

Hope you are as excited as I am, I know that making the decision to keep my blog going is a hard one, and I have not yet decided on this.. I guess if I keep it going, I need to do a blog make over, and make it look a little more awesome!

I'm paying you for what?

So, Jon and I got the "wonderful" opportunity to meet with yet another doctor today. Although this one was slightly different then the others, it wasn't any less eventful.. Seriously it was the worst hour I have ever wasted at a doctors appointment, period. Well next to the terrible HSG procedure.

The only pain I was in today was trying to decided whether or not to stab my eyeballs out. We were 15 minds early. But the doctor didn't even come get us til 10 mins after our appointment was suppose to start, so we spent almost a half hour in the waiting room.

We get back to his office, give him the run down of things, like Jon's seamen analysis, and my hsg and the clomid results, and yada, yada, yada.. The doctor then turns around picks up a book, and starts looking through it. The fertility "specialist", had never even heard of a unicornuate uterus before, and even tried correcting me when I said it.. *rolls eyes*

He then proceeds to tell us, that his partner would have a better idea for what we would be able to do from this point. IVF, surrogacy, or adoption.. Oh and then the best part, he tells us that because he referred us, we can get the consultation from this other doctor for a discounted price.. So an over the phone consultation, with the "real" doctor in California, is only going to cost us a meer $225...

Look, why can't you just tell me, "Yeah, you can totally carry a baby in that small uterus of yours". That's all I want to hear. Better yet, because I did the research I know that other women with my condition, can and do have healthy babies. I know I have risk, and I get that.. But seriously, I don't need a phone consultaion from a doctor, who I don't even get to see, to tell me what I should and or shouldn't do.

If in the end we get pregnant, and we are only able to have one child, then fine. I will love the crap out of that baby!!!

It wasn't any help. Needless to say we are very frustrated, and at this point are just so stinkin' tired of doctors visits. We will be taking a break after this cycle, and now we just need to find another doctor who is willing to give me drugs to help with ovulating..

Chapter 2 of HSG test...

Wow, that's all I can say.. I was talking to my friend earlier this evening, and I expressed to her, that knowing more about my fertility was like a breath of fresh air, after holding my lungs for so long.

We had our follow-up appointment today, I was way anxious to hear what the doctor had to say about everything, and nervous that they were going to tell me more than I wanted to hear.

But, he came into the room, and started asking how it went. I shared with him, that the pain was terrible, they should do more to offer comfort to their patients, and that the doctor who performed the test was an out right jerk! He was actually glad to hear my feed back, and informed me that in the future he would offer pain medication to patients who would be undertaking the procedure, that way they wouldn't have as much discomfort as I did.

He then proceeded to ask me if they had told me anything about how the procedure went. I then shared with him that they had only told me I had a unicornuate uterus, and one attached fallopian tube. He then asked the nurse to google a term that was in the report, and I proceeded to share all of the information that I had researched. He had this look of shock on his face, that I had done so much research. He then, told me, everything I knew, was what he knew. My fallopian tube can catch eggs, it's very possible for it to still do so. He also told me that many women get pregnant with one fallopian tube all the time. The only thing that came into question was the size of my uterus.

We meet with our fertility specialist on Thursday, who has more experience with things like this, and he will be able to tell us if my uterus is a factor. I know we would most likely be high risk, and that I would not carry to full-term. But as long as we are able to have babies and they can get to us healthy, and strong. I will take them no matter what.

Our regular doctor was pleased with the results, and glad that I was feeling so positive about things. He shared that we would keep doing whatever was necessary in order to help us accomplish a pregnancy, we just want the feed back from the other doctor, with the go ahead to keep doing what we are doing.

I am eager for the next step, I am so excited. I know it sounds weird, but I have so much comfort in my life right now. If we don't get pregnant after this round of clomid, that's fine, we will still be taking a break, and we will do things. I will lose the weight, make love with my husband without thinking about tilting my hips, or counting days. We will take adventures, make some memories, and just love being with each other.. Lol Jon doesn't read this blog, and I think he might be a little embarrassed if he knew I told they world we were going to make love. But I don't care, I love this guy. We are gonna make beautiful babies together. Eventually.

Thank you everyone for all of the support you have been giving us, and keeping us in your prayers. We wouldn't have made it this far without the support of everyone around us cheering us on.

Chapter 1 of HSG test..

So, I spent the entire weekend being nervous for the procedure, in fact I was so worked up, I managed to make myself sick..

So this morning, after I had tossed and turned all night. I got up, and Jon and I got ready, we headed out the door, and we were sitting in the waiting room by 9:40 this morning. Our appointment was at 10 and they asked we arrive early, which in doing so, they took us back early, had me change into a a gown, and some scrubs. That way I wasn't walking around all exposed, and thankfully they let me keep my undershirt, and bra on, under the gown.. Yikes..

This is me, before the procedure, little did I know, this feeling would not last..


They laid me down, and put my legs up, and moved this huge machine over my body.. I have a small pelvis, and the needless to say I have always hated exam's just because the whole business of getting my va'jayjay to work, doesn't always go over very well.

From the beginning of the procedure, it was terrible. I was in pain because of the speculum, which had to be twisted so the doctor could get to my cervix. Then, he inserted the catheter in, and filled the balloon, is what he called it. Oh man, I was terribly uncomfortable at this point. Then he proceeded to inject the dye. I won't lie, it sucked. Who ever said it was a walk in the park to have an hsg, was LYING! Well, at least for me, it was terrible. But, I have a feeling there is a reason...

So, the doctor, was studying the screen, and blurted out "how fascinating" two things. 1. Who says that to a patient during something like this, and 2. What the 'H' does that mean? Then between the x-ray tech, and the doctor, and the nurse. Everyone started whispering, and saying things I didn't really understand, and then the next thing I knew, the catheter had been removed, and the doctor was leaving the room, to see how my previous ultrasounds had gone.

At this point, tears streaming down my face, I looked at Jon, as I could tell panic was painted clearly across both of our faces. It took forever for the doctor to come back, and he walked in the room, and stated that my ultra sounds had said nothing about it. He then proceeded to tell me, what had caused the frenzy..

I have what's called a unicornuate uterus, a what? a unicornuate uterus. Yeah try saying that five times fast.. Only later after coming home would I discover that this condition only affect 1 in 4000 women, and that is basically means, I have half a uterus, and only one attached fallopian tube. The doctor was kind of a jerk, and brief on the information.

We also discovered, that the one fallopian tube that was connected, the fallopian tube stretches all the way up by my liver, and my ovary is hanging out there too. But that doesn't affect anything, so that was good news, and the tube was not blocked, I don't know about being damaged or not, the doctor didn't really say anything. But I figured had there been a problem he would have said something. He was more amused by the uterus..

I cried the whole way home, half from the pain, and half from what we had been told. I hadn't been told terrible things, but it was great.. I bled pretty bad after the procedure, and am still cramping as I type this. It's kind of strange actually because I can feel how my uterus and my tube are exactly feeling great right now, and it goes to my right hip and then up my right side. So we know, that my business is all to the right. Which we already knew I had a tilted uterus, so that wasn't new news.

I got home, and got straight to work on researching my condition, but since it's so rare, there wasn't a lot of information on it. But I did feel better after reading my findings. Women with my condition can and do have children, they don't always carry to full term, but can. Babies are generally smaller, it's believed that is caused by the confined space they have during developing. Some women, spend a good portion of their pregnancy on bed rest, and these women also have a higher chance for c-section. Most cases I read, the women had delivered via c-section.

So, like I said, it's not great, but it's not bad. I have an appointment next week, to get the actually results, next week. I am anxious to hear what he has to say, and what our chances are of conception. I am thinking conception is achievable, it's just more of the waiting game, and more prayers. I feel good thought, they performed the test twice, and the first time I didn't see the fallopian tube that clearly, and the second time I could see it great. So even if there was something there, it's not anymore. So that right there could have improved our chances.

We have an appointment this Friday to meet with our fertility specialist, and then my appointment with my regular physician is on Monday, and we will get the results from him.. Oh the joys of endless doctors appointments..

My recent trip to the doctors...

Well as wonderful, and excited as I was that the clomid, finally helped me ovulate, I am sad to say we did not get pregnant this cycle... :( But that is okay, because this morning things started to look a little brighter.

I went to the doctors office, as it is suppose to happen, so the doctor can check for cysts and make sure everything is okay. I was excited to tell him that I had indeed ovulated, and that I should be either getting my period soon, or be pregnant. Well, when I went into the bathroom to get my urine sample. I was spotting. So that right there was enough to say that this cycle wasn't successful.

So we sat down with the doctor, and we decided to ask some questions, like if I needed a blood draw to check my FSH levels. This would tell us if my eggs were good quality, and if I had any. But since I ovulated, we don't need that test. Then I asked him about getting an HSG, or a Hysterosalpingogram... Yeah try saying that word five times, fast.

The doctor kind puzzled asked why I think I would need that done, and I started to tell him what I had told my previous doctors.. But this time it was different because of his reaction kinda caught me off guard.

I shared with him, that when I was 18 months old that I got really sick with a viral and bacterial infection that when it escaped my body it left, right at my pubic bone, and left a moon shaped scare right above my labia major, and since he was performing a vaginal exam to check for cysts he took a gander at it.

He said "now that's interesting" and quickly turned to the nurse and said lets get her HSG scheduled, and when the nurse asked for the reasoning, he said for history of pelvic infection..

I didn't really listen to those words when he said them. But after we had left the doctors office, I kept hearing the words play over and over again in my head. I had never thought of it like that. Meerly because no other doctor had ever approached my history in such a way. Also due to the fact that infertility has not been an issue since now..

As I drove, I was thinking about the event that will take place in just a few days, how I would find out very shortly whether or not my fallopian tubes are blocked, if they are, then this could fix it. Or if they will tell us that I am damaged beyond repair. Then the healing process can begin.

I exited the freeway, and as I sat at the red light, it hit me. I have been spending the past few years thinking that the reason I wasn't conceiving was because I had done something wrong, that the Lord was punishing me because of something I did. But, because my illness took place when I was 18 months old, there was nothing I could have done to avoid it other wise.

It was kind of a huge relief, and a weight seemed to be lifted off my shoulders. I could breath again, and for once, I cried in joy over infertility. I have faith that what ever the problem is, it can be fixed. That through my faith, and the blessings I receive the Lord will not allow me to go through this life childless. Whether it's my own means or through the blessing of adoption. I will be a mother. I am so close to this promise, I can taste it.

Monday will be here soon, and I will have a ton of new knowledge in less than a week.
It's amazing to see how far we have come, and I am excited, and eager for the next steps we need to take.

I know that there is a small chance there may be something wrong, and I am fully prepared to hear the words that I am dreading most, it doesn't mean I would be sad, it just means that I will have closure on something that I have struggled with for a long time. I am excited to finally come up for air to be able to breath again.

The results are in!

So after waiting three days to hear back from the doctor.. Jon and I just decided to get online and look up the results of the SA...


We are pleased to announce that Jon's "boys" are perfectly normal!!! Hurray, *grumble, grumble* That means we have absolutely no reason to worry about Jon and his capabilities to conceive a child.. Great.... Since it was what I pretty much figured from the beginning. It wasn't much of a shock to me, it is a sense of relief and a sense of disappointment. Now the problem we know, which we have known the entire time, is with me. But, at the same time it's comforting and a blessing.

With this we only have one challenge, not two. With this we know that we only need to concentrate on what is happening with my body, and we know that Jon is healthy.

A lot to digest, but the Clomid is kicking my butt, and giving me great hot flashes. I hope it finally works for us, and the secret fertility key that no one wants to share with us, will finally be ours.

Lost Labs, and Sterile cups..

So It's been only a few days, but it's been kinda hectic the past little while. Jon and I went down to the Lab in Provo Yesterday so we could get a sterile cup from them.. Plus it came with a whole bunch of other instructions including keeping it in the biohazard bag, getting it to them within 30 mins, and keeping it body tempeture. That meant the whole drive back to Provo this morning, I was keepin' Jon's boys (as he kept callin' them) warm. In fact, Jon kept shouting "Hang in their boys"!

We got there in time, then the receptionist informed us we still needed to check in and sit, just like all the other patients.. I know I'm not special or anything, but really? You want be to just sit here.. with my husbands "stuff" you guys were the ones who stressed about how quickly we get it back to you, and now, you want me to wait? Great...

Then to top it off, we had forgotten the prescription at home, in our rush, the prescription was the last thing on my mind.. But, thankfully we were able to fax the prescription to them.

On another note, I called the Doctors office wanting to know the results of my test.. You know the one that left a huge bruise on my hand, cause the failed to get it from my arm.. Yeah, that one.

So I called the doctors office, and after talking to two different people, the couldn't find where my labs had gone to.. Well after an hour or so, I finally got a call back.. The nurse politely, but matter of factly told me I was not pregnant.. I lost it. I cried in the car ride on the way home, and I laid in bed for about a half hour.. crying.. then I took a shower.. and cried. I was bummed to say the least.

So starting tomorrow, I start my Clomid. I don't really feel overly confident about this. I am getting to a point where I just want to throw away all of my TTC crap, and never think about having kids again.

I think I need a pick-me-up. I need something to give me new energy, new hope. I need something to help me keep going. I just don't know what that is yet.

Bring on the Clomid!

So it's been kind of crazy around here for a few days.. We were anticipating going to the doctors, which was yesterday as I type this. Within the time leading up to the doctors however.. I took it upon myself to pee-on-a-stick.. I'm officially an addict. But, as I did this my attempts seemed to not be in vain. I had taken 4 or 5 test within a three day period, and they were all POSITIVE! I was beyond thrilled..

It didn't last that long..

When we arrived at the doctors office, we had to fill out a ton of paper work, I was so anxious I could hardly contain myself. When we finally got back to the exam room, they asked what we were being seen for, I stated we had been referred by our fertility specialist so we could start clomid, and so my husband could have an SA done. Then, I proceeded to tell the nurse about my 5 positive pregnancy test, and the immediately pushed me into the bathroom, and instructed I once again, pee into a cup. I was more than happy to oblige.

The doctor came in, and I actually had known him while I was growing up. Though it had been many years since I had seen him. We told him why were there, and about the pregnancy test, and that they were performing a urine test as we spoke. Moments later the nurse brought in a hot pink posted note, and handed it to the other nurse sitting in the room, who sat it on the counter. I hate having good eyes- because before the doctor could even tell us the results I could read it. NEG -, that's all it said. But I let the doctor finish what he was saying, and then he picked up the posted note, and puzzling looked at me, with the response I already knew.

He said he wasn't convinced, especially since I had so many test say positive. So they decided to draw my blood. The doctor said we should be prepared anyhow, and wrote out a prescription for my clomid, and for Jon's SA. He then instructed us pending the blood test results we could either put in the prescriptions, or we have the privilege to rip the prescriptions up..

Well here I sit, Wednesday morning, rather sure I'm in fact NOT pregnant. I have started spotting a little, and although I have gone online and researched that early spotting in pregnancy is normal, and that a lot of women go to the doctor after receiving a positive HPT, and the doctors test is negative, but the blood test is positive. I am pretty much expecting the worst.

You try for so long, that you just kinda get use to being the failure every single time. I explained it like this to Jon, it's like standing in line with a ticket number, but instead of a number it just says the word "NEXT". And I'm just standing and waiting, while women behind me step up to the line, and their number is instantly called. It's just never ending, and never achieving cycle.

I am not thrilled about my pending cycle of clomid, the hormone swings, not to mention I will be doing this cycle in July, when it's super hot. Blah! It pretty much sucks, I was that close, or so I thought, and now I am 4 steps back from where I was.

Here is looking up. Jon, and I are going to be having a BBQ at the end of the month, I am looking forward to that! Here is to July, to Clomid, and to hopefully future pregnancies!