My heart is healing..

We are just weeks away from being Sealed to Izzebel.. I called the temple, and have scheduled the event. We also have a couple of weeks under our belts of Izze officially being ours. It's been an amazing couple of weeks. We celebrated Izze's first birthday, which we will have an official celebration at the end of July following our sealing.. We also got Izze's ears pierced, and she did amazing. The gal who did it, was so impressed, Izze barely even cried.. So proud!

It's interesting how in the past year I have worked around what other people want or don't want in regards to Izzebel.. I no longer have to make arrangements for court ordered visitations, or make sure we don't do a single thing with out someones permission. We can do things with out asking a soul.. Just the way it should be. And now.. we are crossing the last thresh hold of being restrained.. I have avoided for a long time letting my personal life become public out of fear of retaliation from our birth mother, and also of fear of harassment. It is something that has plagued the back of my mind for weeks. Days following the birth mother relinquishment I feared picking up my phone, that the birth mother would text demanding to see Izzebel. Although I would not have obliged those request, it still is unsettling to get them..

This afternoon, I got an impression that I needed to search the Salt Lake County Jail records for our birth mother.. I had been doing it on almost a weekly basis the first few following weeks.. But that had dwindled after nothing came to fruition.. Upon discovering that the birth mother was not incarcerated in the SLC county jail, I decided to search for her in obituaries, in the off chance that heaven forbid she had passed.. When I googled her name.. and lo and behold.. the first result.. Her booking in the SLC jail, on June 5th.. I nearly fell over myself running to show my husband the words on the screen.. I finally felt vindicated..

For so long, I felt that the birth mother put on a facade and convinced everyone, that she could do no wrong.. I continually felt that no matter what I said, no matter what proof I had.. No one would believe me.. I finally feel for the first time, that she has no influence in our lives anymore.. I had attempted on several occasions to write about how I felt about our birth mother, and I just never felt like I could get those feelings across properly, especially since I still feared retaliation.. But now. I can breath, and acknowledge that this small piece I was holding on to.. it's gone. I could cry. I am so glad that there is finally relief, and now I can feel that I can truly forgive her, and have pity for her..

Everything has a time, and a season, and now, I can completely love my family, and no longer let her rent a space in my mind..

To our birth mother,

If you ever read this, which I am sure in time you may.. You continually fooled many people, including us. You strung us along, lying, and plotting in hopes to get what you want. DCFS gave you a power, where you felt that you would be victorious-shame on you. This is a little girl, a person. A human being! How dare you use her against us, how dare you toy with our emotions, and how dare you expect immediate forgiveness, for the real pain, and heart ache, you not only cause us.. but another family. You should be ashamed of yourself. Don't you ever blame us for YOUR unhappiness.

We offered you the world, even after you hurt us, and lied to us. We wanted to make it work, and you lied to us. To our faces. In our home! Have no worries about the things we will say about you in the future. We will not allow you to take up space in our minds, or energy into our words. When Izze ask, we will say you loved her. That will be that.. I will never lower myself to speak poorly on your behalf.

You were selfish, you hurt so many people, and I am so glad that I am finally done with you, and can officially wash my hands of you. I will say one last pray for you. To find happiness, to over come your addiction, and for you to have the best life you could possibly have.. and that day we walk into the Temple, and we are sealed to Izzebel.. I will never utter your name again..

The only way, you will ever feel forgiveness from me.. is when you can apologize with a truly humble heart, and identify that the things that took place in this past year, were a result of your actions.

and now.. I feel peace.

Infertility Bug..

It showed it's ugly head once again.. For the past few days it has really been snubbing it in my face.. You know that pregnancy cycle.. Where like every few months another group of ladies gets pregnant... Well it's that time again, and it just so happens to be the same time where it's practically every single friend on facebook... :( Don't get me wrong, I am so thrilled for all of my friends... but lets face it..

...it still sucks..

I hate this feeling more than anything, and I know that a lot of my friends went through infertility as well.. The only difference, they have all been able to get pregnant. I hope all my infertile friends reading this don't take this the wrong way, and I hope you don't think I am mad at you. I'm not. I am just having a pity party..:( it just came a little early this year.

We are fast approaching our 3rd year anniversary, and I fear that it may be the 3rd of many many annisersaries that we will once again not bare our own children. I know I am a mom, I know Miss Izz, is my little girl, but even that hangs in the balance.

I guess more than anything it feels like we have been pushed into the corner with few options, and that it doesn't seem to be getting any better...

I know with everything that is going on in my life, school, work, fostercare.. having more children should probably be the last thing on my mind. lol.. But, all I want is to be a mom, and to have more children, and nothing is more frustrating that not knowing if you will ever have your own family.

I've come along way since we started this journey.. I can actually go without having to test if my period is a day late.. in fact, I have a pregnancy test sitting in my bathroom that has been there for like 2 months now! lol. That probably seems like the dumbest thing ever.. but for me, it's a big deal! And if you know another infertile, or are one yourself, you know what kinda deal this is!

Alright, getting up and walking away from Face book, and the preggers..:( unless a pregnant woman wants to come sneeze on me in the hope of concieving.. I am just sayin'!



Feeling enlighted...

So, I was recently using 'doctor google', and it brought me across a site of women asking questions in regards to being pregnant, and examining every detail, and thinking that every little thing meant they were pregnant, and when other discredited their claims they always had a reason for why they could still some how be pregnant. For instance... the all to great, 'I think I started my period, but it was so light, I must be pregnant.' Or 'although the pregnancy test at the doctors office was negative, I must not be producing enough hcg to show a positive'. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to poke fun at these women. I simply want to express the joy that I have, that I am no longer 'that woman'. Yes, I will admit, I was once that bad. I would try to find any excuse to think I was pregnant... If I got a zit in a different spot on my face before my period started, I was convinced I was pregnant.

But, I can honestly say that I am now at a point where I don't feel consumed by this obsession. I know you are probably thinking-well duh, you have a baby now... No, I didn't just wake up one day, after we brought Izze home and change my opinion on my desire to bare my own children. This was something I had established before we even found out about her. But, only recently have I discovered that this is a full truth. I can finally be happy, not stress about counting days, laying on my back for a half hour after being intimate with my husband, or sitting in a doctors office waiting for my next perscription of Clomid.

Granted, having a baby helps, but it does not take away the desire to bare my own children/child. I still have that urning, but I no longer allow the depression to consume me, and I am so happy that I can finally feel pure joy for those around me who are blessed with children.

I know that my journey to parenthood was rough, and long at times, and shorter at others... But I am so grateful for the things that I have experienced. That being said, I would still never wish this upon my worst enemy. But, I am glad the Lord gives small mercys, and that we were blessed with Izzebel. I am also so grateful for being able to finally find peace, love, and patience. I pray for those living with infertility. That they too can find happiness.

come on down to Utah... bring your wives!!!

So this morning as I sat on my couch trying to calm my crying baby, I was touching away at my phone, playing on Facebook, when I happened across THIS post..
Needless to say I was a little shocked... Especially on what people had to say, I know that everyone picks on everyone, and I get that... but truly, some of the remarks did not need to be made about Mormons. I make it a point to not poke fun at others religious beliefs, so yes, it kinda burns my button to be reading those things, and sad that other would find it acceptable. So, reading the post, I came across THIS link....You have probably heard of this one, the 'Men on a Mission" The LDS 'returned' missionaries who posed with their shirts off for this magazine starting in 2008.


SOURCE
Okay- I won't lie, the men are a little hot... But, enough of that, really?! This was a huge controversy a few years ago, and the models used in the calendar were disciplined by the Church, but that only seemed to fuel the fire.. To make matters worse, they have come out with a new calendar called "Mormon Muffins", and it shows Mormon wives dressed like pin-up girls, with muffin recipes on it... Okay, so maybe I am over reacting, and perhaps a few years ago, I would have been first in line waiting to purchase the sexy Mormon Missionary calendar... But this whole thing has got me worked up.

Then, in the mist of abusing google, I decided to entertain myself, and googled, polygomist images... Which lead me to THIS website...Which, put me a better mode... If you don't really go read that blog you are missing out. It is creative, and unique that two individuals who come from different backgrounds can be friends.

Okay, I will get off my soap box..

SOURCE

For more REAL information on the LDS church.... please visit HERE.

what kinda jerk does that?

So I spent the day with my bestie J, I love her to death, and I seriously am so blessed to have both her and my friend BB in my life. When we all get together with our husbands, and it's just so much fun, I wish the night were a little longer..

So this afternoon, we spent some time taking photo's, I wish we had spent more time doing so, because I love my camera, and it's been a while since we have really gone out and taken photos. I will have to post some of those after this one, since they are already up on my other computer.

After taking photos, picking up some moving boxes for my friend J, who just informed today, that they got the apartment they were waiting for! Yeah for them! We then stopped for gas, which is where the title and the picture below come from... Yes, poor J, she went to go get gas, and someone had locked that little pin in place, the one that basically holds the handle to pump it's self... It was open, and sprayed all over the side of her car.. So although you can't see it, and it isn't nearly as funny as when she picked up the squeegy and was wiping off the side of her car. It still is entertaining, and we decided that karma will settle this.. really? what kinda jerk does that??


After getting gas, J got lucky and found this awesome Pram, and decided she had to have it, that and she has an awesome unnamed family member who was willing to gift her $100 for it.. But since we had to drive an hour to get there, we were able to get it for $80. SCORE!

It's super cute, and I cannot wait to see what she does with it!

Also, TMI moment, I am doing my lady business this week... I was thinking about it,all things considered, even if I am infertile, at least the Lord is being nice enough to grant me some peace of mind... No mood swings, pms, cramps, or bloating... ahh, yes. just perfect. Thanks God, for being so kind to me, well sort of.. But still, I appreciate it.

So for today... I am grateful for

*best friends
*long car rides
*yummy twizzlers
*moving boxes

and last but not least, moments of grace from God, it may be rather pathetic, but I am grateful, that my periods are not as miserable as they could be.

Oh I had a really great idea, I think it would be really awesome, if on February 1st all my bleeps, did one post on gratitude. I challenge you to find 5 things that you are grateful for, and blog about it. Let me know, cause I would love to know what you are grateful for!

Finding Gratitude

So... The past few days have pretty much been a drag. I haven't even really done anything. This includes getting out my pajamas. Don't judge. Along with feeling a little down in the mouth, it's rather a struggle to find things to be grateful for.

I do however need to rant, I seriously think that pregnancy ladies go in cycles. For every gal that's preggers, two more pop up, and then 3 months later 3 more ladies are pregnant. It is a never ending cycle. Maybe we should move to a state where people just aren't that pregnant that often. Suggestions are greatly appreciated it.

I know that I'm only human, so please don't hold it against me if I sulk over to the corner and have a temper tantrum.

Okay now that the rantings are out, and you know I am in a mood. We can get on with it.

For the past few days I have really felt like I have had nothing to do. I have been hoping and praying that I would be getting a phone call, or my husband would be getting one, asking us to come and work for them. But alas no such phone calls have taken place.So for today, yesterday, and every day that I sit here wishing and hoping. I am grateful for opportunities to work. To have something to look forward to every day, and know that you are supporting yourself and your family. I am grateful for satisfaction in a job well done.

I would never wish this situation upon my worst enemy, to be jobless, and feeling the strain. It has truly been a humbling experience, and I hope that jobs happen for us quickly.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. We are truly grateful for those willing to offer such kindness.

Baby, all I want for Christmas is you!

That is probably one of my favortie Christmas songs of all time. Mariah Carey, although I am sure that we have different meanings to this is song. I translate it it, that I litterally want a baby for Christmas.

This is not the second Christmas I have spent with my husband, and although we couldn't be happier, it kinda plan sucks, when someone ask you want you want for Christams, and secretly in the back of your mind all you can think is "I don't think they sale new uterus at Wal-mart" Okay so a little graffic on my part. But really, I don't think you could get much happier at least in my position.

I wish I could share more of the inter workings of my life at this current moment. There are things in the works that could drastically change our lives forever. (No worries, I'm not pregnant.) But, there is just so much happening, and it's hard to be excited when it's still hanging by a thread. All I guess I can really say, is please keep us in your prayers.

There is a song by an artist, If you have never heard of him, you should, Micheal McLean, I love his music. I've always love this particular song, and even though I heard it for the first time when I was about 14 years old. This song has made a huge impact on my life, and it just relates so much how I feel every year at this time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM7pXboXXv4

Okay... So I looked every where on the internet for this song, and this is the only thing I could find... Sorry, you have to listen to the first part, or skip through it a little... Don't hate me. It's not even the prettiest version of this song. The song is titled, Mary let me hold her baby. If you get a chance you should look it up. The CD is called the Forgotten Carols. Seriously good stuff!

now for kicks and giggles.

Merry Christmas!!!

reality... or something like it.

I spent this past Friday helping my mother with a classroom party at my little brothers school. Since it's Christmas time, we decided to kick Christmas vacation off with a bang.

During our little party, we did a craft, the kids got to make ornaments. Super cute, and the kids seemed to enjoy them. But, while they were putting them together I was up at the front of the class room, cutting some papers for my mom, I over heard a group of little 6th grade girls talking.

I only heard a few quick lines, but it was enough for me to drop my jaw, and ask "really?" The one little girl I heard, proudly shouted, " Well, when I have a baby, I am going to name her..." and then she was drowned out by the yelling and screaming of the other children.

Now, I know that girls have a stronger desire towards parenting, but really, does it start that soon? and honestly all I could think was, yeah that's what you think now, til you grow up and you find out your uterus isn't any good...

Man talk about being the Scrooge of fertility. I am even considering bashing the dreams of a 12 year old.

But let's face it, as another Christmas comes to an end, and the months continue to move by, I am growing accept the idea, that perhaps I am not meant to cut it as a parent.. I honestly have this thought going over and over again in my head, attempting to convince myself that I don't really like kids. That perhaps I am just meant to adopt a few small dogs, love them, let them love me, and live my life.

I know, I know, not really the most motivational speech to oneself.. But I think I deserve to vent for a minute, and bitch just a little bit, about my bitterness. You spend so much time putting on a face for the world, being happy. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for those in my life that are given such a great opportunity to become parents, but lets face it, we are still a little bitter about the whole thing.

I won' ever get to know that feeling of my baby kicking me from the inside, I may never even get the feeling of holding my own child. But, at least at one point in my life, when I was 12 I still believed that I was going to be a mom. Heck, I may have even been that little girl in the my sixth grade class talking about what name to give my babies... That's the crappy part of reality, it smashes your dreams, faster than it took us to imagine them.

Join Our Support Group

We are having another infertility support group this month! We are super excited and eager, considering this is our second meeting, and hopefully it will be lots more information, and a lot more going on! Hope you can make it!

Copy and paste the link below, and register! If you have any questions please feel free to ask!

http://www.ldsinfertility.org/forums/

I had to share!

I have this friend on Facebook, whom I actually met through a fertility forum, and I have loved getting to know her. She has just recently found out that she is pregnant, so it's kinda neat because she post the most amazing things sometimes. The best part, is she has the same parenting style that I do, and so in general I love her.

This evening when I got on Facebook, I noticed she had posted a video, I don't usually watch them since I think most of them are boring. But I couldn't resist merely because there was a baby in the freeze frame. So I watched it... Needless to say, it is now my all time favorite youtube video ever!

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gbke1GHsejQ&feature=player_embedded

copy and paste this link!

I had no choice, but to hear you.

You stated your case, time and again, I thought about it.

If you don't know the words to this song, you should. It's a wonderful song, and inspiring. Alanis Morissette, Head over feet. One of my favorites. The song reminds me that sometimes there are people around us, who know the truth about us, even before we know.

Lately, that is truly how I have felt. That Jon, has known more about me, and has sat patiently waiting. While, I have been going through a rather dark moment in my life. I didn't want to admit it, and I truly didn't thing there was anything wrong. Til one day about two weeks ago, I woke up with a different energy, I was happy for once, and I just couldn't seem to get enough of Jon. I love my husband don't get me wrong, but the whole infertility thing, and trying to get pregnant, our love life had pretty much gone down the pooper, considering our evenings were spent more over the debate of whether or not I was ovulating and if we were really going to have sex that evening. It's hard to be romantic, and spontaneous when you need to make sure you have all of the right things, like right date, right position. Are my hips at the right angle. Yada, yada, yada. I know kinda graphic, but oh the joys of baby makin'!

Needless to say, I feel like a different person, I feel a lot more hopeful about this, I am losing weight, and feel a ton more energy. I am so grateful that I have such a wonderful husband, who loves me enough to stay, even when I am walking around completely empty on the inside. I love you Jon, thanks for being such an awesome husband!

Oh also as promised! I have the pictures for my dream board, ie; baby makin' board!



The next few pictures are little sayings I put on my dream board! It's all about positive thinking!!!





If you have any ideas on how I could make it better, let me know! I love suggestions!

A few brief statements..

I know I said I wasn't going to blog for a while, and I'm not, but I thought in passing an update, or milestone should be marked for the time being.

Like I shared previously, I had my follow up appointment, where the doctor was so kind to prescribe provera, to get my cycle started. It worked.. After only two days of taking the medication, I started my period.. It was awful the first two days, I thought I was going to end up in the hospital, and being anemic, I was bleeding that bad. I even called the nurse, who reassured me that was totally normal.. Oh man, I hope I don't have to take that ever again! I would never wish that on my worse enemy!

I started my second round of Clomid on Friday, which is good since I have the weekend to have the majority of my hot flashes. Ironically enough, my hot flashes are not nearly as bad as they were, during my first cycle.

We also, have the opportunity to use our new toy, our clear blue fertility monitor. It's kinda nifty, and even though I haven't started using the test sticks or anything, I am rather enjoying pressing the button every morning, and seeing that it is counting and keeping track of the days for me. Obviously who ever invented this thing, was a genius, and knows how exploit others to get a lot of money.. Luckily I never pay full price for anything like that, and so, that's my way of stickin' it to the man. I know, what a rebel, right?

I am trying harder to not be so over whelmingly depressed, I am started to feel better about a few things, and I feel in certain aspects my attention has been directed to other areas of my life. Perhaps my brain finally snapped, and said "ENOUGH!". Either way, I am attempting to be hopeful, even if on the inside I feel a little foolish to keep trying, after so many failures.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again
and expecting different results -Albert Einstein.

But, as a promise to myself, I have set some new guidelines for us trying to conceive.

1. I will keep trying, and taking the medication, if it does not work by the end of October, we are going to take a break.

2. I will actively keep trying til I am 25 years old, before I consider adoption, unless, I am informed sooner, that a pregnancy would be unachievable.

3. I will longer doubt that the Lord has a plan for me, that he hasn't forgotten about me, and that he wants me to be a mother.

I feel better putting it in writing, instead of just saying these words to myself, over and over again in my head.

I am making a dream board to better center myself. Perhaps when I am finished I will post it.

Thanks for the support, sorry that my post have been rather negative the last few times. I am working on it, and hopefully sometime in the near future, I will have the privilege of typing the words out "finally".

How do you?

How do you keep fighting, when all of your energy is gone? How do you see through all the clouds, and the never ending rain?

I seriously don't even know what to say, what to think.. I can feel this thick sheet over whelming my life, I don't know if I can try anymore..

I agreed to do one more cycle of clomid, but after that, I don't think I am willing to fight. I've lost my will, and my heart can't take much more.

I don't think I ovulated, my period is almost a week late, several confirmed NEGATIVE hpt, including a urine test at my clinic, and my body hates me.

that being said, pretty sure, I hate my body...

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to..

I had one of those days.. You know, the kind where you want to get upset over the simplest matters, just so you can yell about something... Yeah, I have one of those days. I had been feeling a little down, and depression was starting to show it's ugly face, and I kept running the "What ifs" through my head. I kept trying to put these thoughts out of my mind, and not willing to acknowledge the fact that I was feeling so down.

Jon and I got in an argument about the dishes, and then Jon brought up how I seemed to be acting funny, and that I seemed depressed. I of course, told him to finish the dishes, and I shouted as I stormed towards the bedroom, I would finish dinner when I felt like it. I then went and laid on our bed for a few minutes, and got up and striped the bed, and started folding laundry.. I didn't want to admit that the infertility was making me depressed, and I really didn't want to admit this to my husband..

Jon came in a few short minutes later, to apologize and to talk.. this is where I burst into tears, and told him I felt worthless, and that my body was retarded and I wasn't any good, due to the fact that I couldn't do something as simple as making a baby!

We sat on the floor, for a good hour, me crying, and Jon attempting to comfort me. I expressed that I didn't know if I had enough faith to believe that getting pregnant could actually happen for us. I know, it's foolish, and I should probably have my hand slapped for thinking such thoughts.

Jon reassured me that he believed, and that I shouldn't beat myself up so much. But, why stop if that's the only thing I seem to be good at?

So we sat some more, and I cried... some more.. Then Jon offered to give me a blessing, that the clomid would work, and that I would find comfort. I can honestly say it is moments like this where I am so grateful for the priesthood. After wards, we sat some more, then Jon told me he loved me, and after a few more minutes of last minute crying. I composed myself and made dinner.

So now a few hours later, I have puffy eyes, and a better feeling about things.. I am not sure really what lies ahead, I don't know if I will even get pregnant. I just know that I am at peace at the moment. What exactly that is, I am not sure. I just wish I knew that it would EVENTUALLY happen. That I really could get pregnant, and we weren't playing the guessing game.

I hope the clomid is worth it, the hot flashes, and the mood swings.. I just want to know that I can be normal like everyone else, and that I can be a mommy too.

Waita minute Mr. Postman!

I am so excited! I won my second bid on Ebay, and I would like to announce that I am the proud owner of a Clearblue easy fertility monitor!!! YEAH!!! Don't worry, it's never been opened and it came with the plastic wrap still on it!

It came a couple of weeks ago, but not in time for me to use it this cycle. Which I will find out next week if the Clomid worked or not, and if I even have to use it!

Wouldn't that be the best thing ever, if I didn't have to use my fertility monitor, and the clomid worked! I freakin hope so!

So here I am just a few days shy of Dooms Day a.k.a. Aunt Flows pending arrival, and I would greatly much appreciate it if she would not show her ugly mug. Is it to late to send her a postcard. "Wish you were here...NOT"

I will keep you updated, as for now I am crossing my fingers!

to bring a dream to life....

I want this blog posting to be different. To the women who suffer in silence, with broken hearts, from difficulty conceiving, or having been able to conceive and miscarried.



To ALL of my friends who have had their life's changed, even if for a brief moment. I love you and care about you. I am so sorry that the sorrow, and burden you are carrying is one that I cannot fully relate.

I keep you in my prayers, and are mindful of your sorrows. I'm here if you ever need me.

BABY PANDEMONIUM!!!

That's right.. BABY PANDEMONIUM!!! I can't even escape the whole baby scene when I get on to blog.. Ugh. My list that I follow, the last person who recently updated is a gal that I know, and she just announced that she is only 9 weeks pregnant.... grrreeeaaat.

I want you all to know, I'm happy, I am happy for all my friends who are blessed to be parents.. I'm just slightly annoyed that I'm not a parent yet.. I am really starting to think that this Clomid better work, or I am not gonna be a happy camper.

On another note, I am having ovulation pain. I can feel it in my ovaries.. yuck, it hurts.

I hope this is worth it.

Day Dreams, and Aunt Flow..

So today while I was at work, standing at the counter, being bored out my mind.. I started to day dream, but it wasn't really a day dream, it was a random thought that came to me, something that was forced into my thinking. After said day dream, I came to the conclusion it was more of inspiration, verses day dreaming.

As my mind wondered, I was taking back to a memory I had of a few months ago, when I had a cyst rupture and I was taken in for an ultra sound. As this played in my head it switched from the dark room we were in while during our procedure, and to a bright room, with my husband sitting next to me. Also in the room I could see the doctor, whom I didn't recognize. I was laying on an exam table, holding Jon's hand, while the doctor placed the monitor on my lower stomach, then in my vision, it echoed.. I heard my baby's heart beat. I heard it.

I blinked and the vision was gone, I was bluntly pushed back into my reality, but I could still feel the pure joy of that moment. I know it will be real. I could feel it in the very pit of my stomach.I know that it may not be tomorrow, and it may not be next month, or next year.. But, I know I'll get there.

This only reminds me, that I am a few days away from Aunt Flow gracing me with her presence. Here's to hoping that this is the last or close to. I hope the Clomid works for us!

Pitty Party, Table for 1

So I have decided that I am going to move away, where there isn't a Facebook, or family, or friends, or anyone for that matter who will remind me that they can get pregnant and I can't. It gets going good, you know, where you haven't had a birth announcement, or an expecting declaration. But today it was the straw that broke the camel back. The one girl, whom one have guessed would wait 5 years after being married to have kids.. Yep, you guess it, even she's pregnant. She just shared the joyous news via Facebook.

Is this joke? Am I really the only person, I know, that can't get pregnant. It's like other women sneeze, and POOF! their pregnant.

I'm thinking about having a burning party, for those of you who have no idea what this is. You basically sit down, get a pen and paper, and start writing down everything that makes you mad, upset, sad, or any other jumble of feelings, in list format. Then, being responsible, lite a fire. Make sure nothing around you can catch on fire, or it might end very badly. Then rip up your list, throw it in the fire, and you can cry and get it all out, just as long as you let your emotions go. There you have it, one way to visibly see that your problems are nothing, and you can get over it.

Yeah, I wish it were that simple too.

Well, I'm done ranting. I just needed to get it off my chest.

*P.S. Not responsible from injury, or damaged sustained during 'burning party'*

Today, I want a baby..

Do you ever have one of those days where you just really want a baby? I am having one of those days. I get on Facebook, and there is nothing but pregnant woman, that yes, are friends of mine, talking about their pregnancies. I go grocery shopping, I chat with my sister. Everyone, is getting pregnant, having their babies, and here I sit feeling about as big as a mouse. I feel like it's this movie that is playing and I am just walking through the scenes.

I felt good a couple of days ago, when I attended my support group. It was nice to feel like I wasn't the only one going through this. Even though I saw the woman sitting there, looking, and probably feeling the as much despair as I am. It's still isn't that comforting to me. It's like a slap in the face, making me acknowledge the fact that the rest of my life may be spent in support groups, and infertility forums.

I know one thing, that this whole infertility thing would really suck if I didn't have such a supportive husband. He even came to the support group with me. He was the only guy, go Jon! He even offered to give me a blessing yesterday, something that I know I truly needed it. Feeling over whelmed by my pending doctors appointment. I know, I know. I probably sound like a broken record, but I am so so so scared. I cannot not shake these feelings. It's like, I am setting myself up for failure. That I am building the climax, to the appointment where my doctor tells me, that we are infertile.

I think the most frustrating part is not knowing. Like, if we were told that we can, and will get pregnant. I could relax. But I still feel like it's in Limbo, and I don't know if it's good news for us, or bad news. Really, can't I just get a sign? Can't I just have a smack in the face that says " Sarah, Shut up! Relax, it is going to happen for you." I know any person could walk up to me, and tell me that. But, it's different when your doctor tells you.

I truly hope we get there. One way or another, I want nothing more then that. Is that to much to ask?