Ova-October

Just Well, I thought my title was catchy enough. We are now 8 days into October, and since my last post I can now provide a few updates.. yeah! I can proudly say I started this cycle all by myself. Following my post on cd 34 I started without the assistance of Progesterone. The cramps were not as bad, and I was just grateful that my body did something! I spent the first portion of my cycle, coming unglued.

I called my Dr's office the morning after starting my cycle, to inform them I needed my next round of clomid, and the progesterone suppository we had had previously talked about. I then spent the majority of the day in bed, as working graves has been sleeping all day. However I woke up around 5, and good thing I did, cause my Dr's office called me back..

"Hello?"

"Is this Sarah?"

"Yes."

"Sarah, I spoke with K.P. and she told me that she cannot prescribe the 150mg of clomid to you as she had originally agreed to do.."

"WHAT?!"

"I'm am so sorry, you might be able to call tomorrow, and see if you can get in to see one of the doctors before cd 3, other than that, there isn't much we can do.."

"So you're saying, I just have to take the 100mg, and hope it works?! We are basically walking into October just wasting a cycle!"

This is when I started crying, and the nurse began to ramble. I was so mad, and I seriously dragged myself around the rest of the night, just devastated. I had 2 days to try to get in to see one of the doctors, or it was going to be a wasted cycle. I tell you what, the next morning I jumped outta bed so fast and was on the phone by 8:05.. I wasn't messin' around. By 9.. so much for being up early.. I finally decided to leave a message as they had not even turned on their phones. By 10:30, when no one called back, I called them. This time the receptionist answered, I gave her the low down, and as much as I could be on my knees over the phone, begged her to find an appointment for me. She asked if I would hold, so she could go talk to K.P., and one of the doctors. longest 5 mins of my life. She finally gets back on the phone, and declares that the doctors will make an exception this one time-PHEW!!- but the want to see me later this month. I can do that! Just give the crazy lady her pills!

After that mayhem, I then had the worst time getting my progesterone suppository from the pharmacy, as it needed to be compounded. I am not gonna say which pharmacy it was, but I can tell you this much. I am never go back to the place. It was awful! And I got the run around, and ended up paying more than what I wanted to, or even should have.. *Shakes fist*

It was like everything was working against this month. between the doctors office, the pharmacy, I didn't think I was even gonna get a chance to take the stupid clomid! Isn't it enough that I am infertile? Do we really have to make it that much harder?

Anyway, we are now at cd 14 into my cycle, and I can happily say I have officially Ovulated.

*THIS IS NOT A PREGNANCY TEST!!!! IT'S AN OVULATION TEST!!! *

So, this line isn't super impressive.. the camera didn't do it justice. But, Between the cervical mucus, and my cervix positioning, I think it's a safe bet. But cd 21 blood draw will be the deciding factor.. Here is hoping right?

As for the now sugar thing. It's going great! I have lost 12 lbs since I have started.. It was 14, but I had a little bit too much of the carbs variety the other days. So, I gotta do better about that. But, I feel really motivated to stick to this, and be healthy.. I can't wait!

Alright, I'll let ya get back to whatever you were doing, and I am gonna sit here, and twiddle my thumbs in my two week wait. Wish me luck!

Cd:32, and October plans..

Well as of two days ago, the pregnancy test was still negative.. I am pretty sure this cycle was another cycle my body is protesting getting pregnant. But, I wasn't expecting miracles. Well, I take that back.. the fact my body even got above a 1.0 on my progesterone blood draw, that is a miracle. I will tell you this.. I no longer trust opk's, my cervical mucus, or my cervix positioning.. really.. I feel like it changes every month.. And we tried the whole temping thing.. my husband wasn't very committed. lol. So, thank goodness for the blood draw, and then just being intimate every other day works for me. A lot less stress.. Alright coming back from my strayed conversation.

I plan on calling the dr office Monday, and asking for a progesterone suppository. I fear that with my progesterone being so low, that even if I did get pregnant my body would supply enough to sustain the pregnancy. So step one.

-Insure your body has enough progesterone all the time, to insure pain inducing death cramps..

Also, for the month of October, besides extensive hot flashes, and moods swing.. I have decided to stop eating bad sugar.. You know the kind from my coveted Diet Coke, *sniff* and my much needed grave yard shift energy drink *sniff, sniff*, and all the other really bad junk for your body. I have been doing a ton of reading, and I realized my body thrives off of bad sugars! It's true, I can be doing so well on a diet, and then my brain goes "Oh Brownie! You can have JUST one"-Fail. What most people fail to realize, like I was.. That brownie starts one nasty vicious cycle, and later on your body is craving it again.. So, I am gonna be committed. If you see me, and I happen to be holding a delicious maple bar donut, slap it outta my hand! So on to number two.

-Make sure you hate everyone by going through, caffine, and sugar withdrawals for the first week of clomid 150mg. -Great..

Sometimes I question my sanity. But, I now it's gonna be worth it. I have to change something.

Recently a few months back, maybe I told you.. I was diagnosed with Klippel-Feil Syndrome.. which you can read about HERE. I am pretty sure that this condition, along with my unicornuate uterus, play a role in one another existence. Basically, in a nutshell.. My spine is no bueno.. and I need to not be so dang fat, to improve my chances of being able to walk for the remainder of my life..Not to self: Don't go reading crap about syndrome during blog posting it just freaks ya out.

Alright, so here is to really changing how I eat, and getting knocked up in October.. I could totally handle another summer baby! Okay lover faces, hope this motivates you to eat less sugar. Or eat more, either way. I mean you could eat an extra cookie on my behalf, just saying..

my summer in a nutshell

So, recently I have greatly avoided blogging about myself. Especially my infertility journey, mostly because my journey had more or less hit a bump in the road, and there were pieces laying strewn about the ground that desperately needed to be picked up, and I had no idea where to begin.  As the dust has settled, and I am climbing back up to stand on my feet. I am anxious for this new journey. Especially since I now feel I am much more capable hands, compared to the last time we attempted anything in regards to our infertility.

Well the last time I left you with any details, we were just getting ready to do an un-medicated cycle. Which by the way, they drew my blood on cd:21.. my progesterone was a .2.. That's right. My body didn't even think about ovulating.. I only cried for a half hour. Put on my big girl panties.. waited 14 more days took a hpt to rule out a pregnancy-Waste of money. Then started progesterone.. which gives me the period from hell, including death cramps. The next cycle, so July. We started out with 50mg of clomid cd 3-5. Which, I wasn't anticipating any miracles with 50mg as I never even got a positive opk the last time I tried the 50mg.. but Kellie, wanted to start out slow.. STORY OF MY LIFE! Well.. cd:21.. progesterone. A whole whoppin' .8.. That's it.. my body barely nudged. I cried a bit longer that time.. waited another 14 days, took another hpt- more wasted money. Started progesterone, and my period promptly arrived the next day. Side Note: after informing the nurse of how quickly my period started after only one day of progesterone. She informed me, that means I was going to start on my own, and that the progesterone did absolutely nothing to help.. Okay so that was a little bit of good news.

Well, on to August, with 100mg of clomid. Have you noticed, both times I have taken clomid just happened to be in the two hottest months of the year.. I highly recommend you take clomid, or another other hot flash inducing medication during the winter.. So cd:21 rolled around on the 12th of Sept, so just about a week ago.. My progesterone.. drum roll please?! 5.6!!!!!! That's right! Not only did my body respond, it was a huge jump from the last month!! So, as my spidey Internet senses tell me... anything above a 5 on or around cd 21.. usually means you are currently ovulating.. Don't take my word for it, as almost every site I read on it, seemed to have a different answer. However, a late ovulation, is much better than no ovulation. Phew!

But, this explains so much! I really wish that I had made my previous doctor do blood work, instead of just assuming the 100mg was sufficient. We intend on doing another round or two of clomid bumping it up to 150mg next month. Which I am not thrilled about, but it makes me hopeful that we could potentially be successful on a higher dose. Although, at this point.. Lets be honest.. When you go this long trying to get pregnant, you laugh at the thought of it actually happening..

Alright, well I guess we wait and see what the next few days brings us.. hoping my cycle start all on it's own and I don't have to take the awful period inducing progesterone.. Alright, I am gettin' outta here, and goin' to watch my bestie deliver a baby! You should be jealous! Night ya'll

What to know, before you go!: infertility journey

Recently, I have been busy with a few things, especially regarding my infertility, and as I approach the near end of this year. I am confronted with the thought, I have been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years now.. 3 years of my life dedicated to getting knocked up, do you know how much sex that is?! Really I am sure that my husband isn't really complaining too much. But, we have hit a lot of bumps in the road, and I just know, that there are things that I wish I had known then, that I know now.. That could have saved me so much hassle.

I had a dear friend of mine, send me a message the other day, asking if I could give her some tips and suggestions as she and her husband start their process. That's when it dawned on me.. Everyone should know. I am pretty sure as your browse the Internet-FYI MOMENT: Most infertile are great at browsing the Internet. Seriously, I have some wicked skills. I know how to type in something just right to get the answer I am looking for. Any way, as I was saying. As you browse the Internet, you are bound to find a ton of suggestions and different ways to improve your journey, but this right here. This is a post with a great list, from different contributing infertiles such as myself.

1. Don't waste your time: True story, time is not always your friend. If you have been trying to conceive for a year or more without a pregnancy. GO GET CHECKED!!! If you are over 35 and have been trying for 6 months, GO GET CHECKED!!! Allowing more time, or thinking that you haven't given it enough time, is a recipe for more heart ache later on.

2. It is okay to grieve. Infertility is a real loss. It's a loss of your dreams, your wants for the future. When you hear those words your worlds come crashing in, and it is okay to scream, punch a pillow, and eat lots of ice cream.

3. Before you start with just any old physician.. Make sure you check their knowledge on infertility, if you have questions they can't answer, leave! I know not everyone is ready to jump into the Reproductive Doctors Office. So look into options. If you are seeking to just run some test, check your levels, or basic ultrasounds. A good OB can do that for you. They can even prescribe clomid- FYI MOMENT: If your Dr is willing to write you a prescription for clomid, but won't do a blood test to check for ovulation later in your cycle. NOT THE DR FOR YOU!!! I promise this will save you lots of time, and money if you can find an OB that is willing to do that. By the time you walk into an Re's office, you will have plenty of records and proof that you were running test, and hopefully have found out your issues, before you shell out the big bucks.

4. Research different ways of checking for ovulation, and for improving your chances of conception. Believe it or not, there are different things you can do. Ovulation Prediction Kits, Cervical Mucus, Temperature.. Timing sex just right, etc. Don't just assume that have sex will get you pregnant-Before you say anything, just having sex CAN get you pregnant, I mean thousands of people do it every year.. But you may need some more help..

5. Know the differences between a regular doctor, your OB, and an RE;Reproductive Endocrinologist. Just because your doctor has a medical degree from fancy college.. does not make him a specialist on infertility.

6. Know what kind of test SHOULD be performed in order to rule certain issues out. You can find info HERE and HERE. Remember knowledge is power, and lets face it. Some of the time, your will have more knowledge about your body, then your doctor.

7. Remember, it's okay to release your inner bitch! Becoming your own advocate will get you so far with infertility. Some doctors want to drag their feet.. Don't let them. Or find a different doctor. I wast 6 months with a doctor only to find out later, biggest waste of time and money!

8. Infertility is hard enough as it is, but if you can't become your own voice, and stand up for your needs. You will not be doing yourself any good. It is okay to be selfish in these time. If you need to skip a baby shower, or skipping out a family dinner cause your cousin is pregnant, again, for the 3rd time. Then do it. Your family, and your friends may not support you, and call you out on it. Who cares. You DESERVE HAPPINESS, and until you can cope with infertility, you are completely allowed to skip certain events.

9. Don't assume everyone will be compassionate about your pain. Some people might say they understand, or they are sorry. People will say THE DUMBEST things to you, assuming it will help. Let it roll off your back. There are support groups throughout the country, and support groups online. There will always be SOMEONE you understands. Don't be afraid to reach out.

10. Infertility takes a toll on everything.. Your marriage, your health, your relationships, your finances, It can at times become a complete obsession. Find different was of rekindling your romance, or different ways to celebrate small triumphs.

11. Having a baby, doesn't fix your sorrows and real pain of infertility. Adopting a baby, or conceiving one doesn't erase the pain you went through to get to that point. Your reality of infertility is just that, REALITY.

12. You can never do enough research. Seriously. Research EVERYTHING!!! The meds, the doctors, everything under the sun!! I have looked up countless things on the Internet attempting to gain some knowledge, and it has really helped. If you can't find it, don't be afraid to call you doctor, or find another infertile, and hit her up!

13. Always remember.. Infertility does not define you as a person. Although it has, and will create a huge impact on your life.. It doesn't mean you are that person. Break free from that mold. Become an advocate for infertility. It is a real disease, thousands and thousands of people are suffering from it. Don't be afraid to stand up and speak out. Someone else could be suffering in silence, and you could be their saving grace.

I wish I could hug you, and tell you that everything is going to be alright. But I can't make that promise. You are the maker of your life, and you can control the path you take. Knowledge is power. Don't lose hope, don't let infertility consume you. You are better than this, and some stupid condition isn't going to rule your life.

I hope this has helped. It was wonderful to be able to get some insight from the other ladies in my life that have, and or are in the same shoes as myself. Be brave in your journey, regardless of where it takes you.

No excuses!

Alright, alright.. I know.. I am bad..
I went almost the entire summer without blogging once.. and I bet you are all wondering what the heck I have been up to, or maybe even wondering if I was still alive.. No worries, I am still kickin'.

We have had such an amazing summer, and cannot believe it is almost over! We finalized our adoption.. Hurray! We celebrated Izzebel's first birthday.. We got to visit with family that we haven't seen in ages.. and last but not least.. we got to take our sweet baby girl to the temple and be sealed to her..
It was truly amazing.. I cried the whole time.. Like I do in everything else.. What can I say.. I am a big ol' cry baby!-ask my husband..

We also, went to the water park, one too many times, Izzebel took her first swimming lessons, her first steps, and started saying a few words. We adore her, and cannot imagine life without her. I will post a few pictures in the next few days of everything we got to do this summer!

Also, this summer.. I started a new job working graves, it's hard getting use to staying up all night, but I am liking it so far. We also started looking into regulating my cycle and getting my body to ovulate.. I am still taking my metformin, and I am currently on my second cycle of clomid.. I do however have to say, that journey is a whole other post just because there is so much to tell, that just breezing over it right now, just wouldn't be fair..

I am loving life right now. I have a wacky little family, and we aren't perfect by any means.. But I love them like crazy. I am so glad that we are finally over with our long ordeal, and that for the first time in a long time, I feel normal. Now I am wrapped up in looking forward to Holidays, snow, baking, making memories with my sweet little family. I love adoption, and I love what it has done for our family, and I am so grateful for this whole experience.

Thank you for reading, and for being patient with me, as I slowly get back into the swing of things. There will be more post, more FREQUENT post.. and lots of good things to come..


I can't wait..

Envious..

First off.. I have to explain my title.. I am having birth mother envy.. I see and read all the cute other posting on Facebook, and blogs about adoptive families, with amazing Birthmoms.. and I really wish that Izze's birth mom had been that awesome.. It makes me sad, to think that over a year ago, we had made so many plans, wanted to include her in so many things, and now.. all we have are broken hearts over the relationship we will never have.. I am just hopeful, and have learned so much for the future. The things we want for our children, and the relationships with their birth mothers are key.. We have definately made a list of things we want for the future and how we can better our relationships with birthmoms.. and always, always know that honesty is key.

Alright, on to more eventful things, now that I have gotten that off my chest. My husband and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary yesterday.. Needless to say it makes me one proud wifey to think I made it so far with my sweet husband!

He is my best friend, my gaming buddy, my sidekick, and the best person to take on adventures.. He keeps me grounded when I get a little out of hand, and I am so glad he takes me the way I am..

I love you baby with all my heart.

In other news, we have postponed baby making for now. We have both just come to a cross roads, and feel that having our own biological children will not be a possibility. Which I know for some people is disheartening to hear, espeically since we are still young. But, tomorrow is another day. Right? I am however working on regualting my cycle, and losing weight. If I can't have babies I might as well be fit and sexy right?

Here is to another year baby, of long talks, holidays with our daughter, and enjoying each other. To finishing school, starting our dreams, and improving who we are. So that way when 4 years comes around, we can look back and be proud of what we have accomplished.

I spoke too soon!

I got an unexpected call from my Gyno office today. Apparently my wonderful nurse practitioner changed her mind on plans we had made last week during my session of phone calls to the office asking about clomid. I was just suppose to call on the first day of my next cycle, have them write me a pretty prescription for hot-flash inducing clomid. But, we have decided to skip this cycle. We are going to test my progesterone levels on day 21 of my next cycle.. Ugh more waiting?!

I hate this part of infertility.. not so much the fact that I can't get pregnant by sneezing.. It's the fact I gotta wait to get pregnant. Or even test to see if I am ovulating..  This totally reminds me.

My sister just celebrated her birthday over the weekend and at the birthday party we played a game called 'What If?' You take a peice of paper and a pen, and write down a what if question. You then fold the paper, and place it in a hat, bowl, whatever. After everyone places their paper in the the bowl, you then devide the papers, hoping you down get the one you put in. If it happens just trade with someone. You then read the new question on your paper, and write down an answer. After everyone has written down their answer, the game really starts.

So say, I read my question. The person to my right read their answer. Sometimes it doesn't make any sense, other times it's hilarious. Any way, back to my story.

So, one of the questions someone wrote down was, 'What if it only took 9 days to have a baby and not 9 months?'. Could you imagine? lol, it would take out all of the waiting.. lol. The only down side is, thinking of how many periods you would have a year?! YIKES!

Alright off to go wait for af to visit me! I hope everyone had a great weekend, and as sad as I am that we will not be finalizing our adoption this week. We are excited to finalize by the end of the month, and hopefully be able to have even more good news! Woot!

I should know better...

Ugh, You would think I would have learned my lesson the first time around.. but noo... I am once again finding myself counting days, and anticipating every movement my cycle makes.. Which as of late is getting harder and harder to do.. It never does anything it's suppose to do.. Shame on you cycle!

Sigh, anyway... This morning, I finally broke down and called to ask the nurse about possibly being proscribed clomid.. Something I am dreading greatly, especially since last time we did this, it was fruitless efforts. I am not looking forward to the next 4 months of possible hot flashes, mood swings-my poor husband, and the potential failure. Although this time, we have a plan. We know what we want to accomplish by the end of the year, and if those things do not happen, we will most likely shut down our efforts to conceive naturally.. At least at this time, since doing ivf, is not a possibility right now. We will most likely continue to journey down our road of adoption, and foster care. Which I am fine with. I know that our chances are slim, but I am willing to give it one last shot!

Alright, here is my kick off to May, more infertility happenings and what not. I know you are just so excited about this. I can tell. I will keep ya posted, since I will most likely start clomid in the next week or two.. Gulp.. not excited...

Picture this (Utah Readers should read this!)

So, I've been doing my little brain storming thing that I love to do.. and I've decided it would be way awesome and wonderful to do an infertility awareness photos series. I would love to find at least a dozen or two couples throughout Utah, and even in Idaho, since I will be traveling there in the next few months, or even California, since I will be there in June. We are also extending this offer to those located in the Houston Texas, as we have a local photographer there willing to volunteer her services! Thanks Bridget!!

We are looking couples who are living with infertility, or have dealt with it at least one point through their relationship. It doesn't matter what the issue was, it doesn't matter if you have children or not, it doesn't matter if said children are biological or not.. I would also like to add, we will offer this to couple who have experienced child loss.

I will be working with my best friend B on this, we hope to finish photographing our series by October.

Please note that we will strive to capture photos that represent your story, and helps others to realize that infertility is real. There are real people experiencing this heart ache, and living with this reality every day.

*We will have model realease forms, and want to remind you that these photos will not be used for profit.* Aslo, this a free to those that are interested. There is no charge what so ever!* 

For those of you willing to participate. As our thank you, we would like to offer you couple/family photos. Or you may save this gift for a later time to do something such as a pregnancy/adoption announcement, or even maternity photos. We can also do a version of "adoption maternity" photos. The ideas are endless.

Thank you for your time, and consideration in this task.

If you're interested in helping with this process, please leave a comment here with your email. I have changed the comment setting so that comments need to be approved before seen by everyone. So your email will remain private.

I need a life jacket..

There are certain laws in every state where there are body of waters that regulate that children of a certain age must always wear a life jacket, and there must be a life jacket available for every person on board. What happens when you don't have a life jacket? What happens when you're alone with no one to rescue you? This week we celebrate and stand as we honor those suffering from infertility, and prepare to pave the road for those yet to come.

In 2009 The World Health Organization officially recognized infertility as a diesease. A diesease which is defined by a couple having unprotected sex for 12 months without protection, and fail to accomplish a pregnany. I know, that for most infertiles, if you are as deep into the water of infertility as I am, this is not news to you. In fact, I attended The Utah Infertility Awareness Event last Saturday, and the thing that made me kinda a giggle, was that almost every represenative that I listen to speak, seem to be repeating the same things that I have heard over the past few years.. I guess, I am still waiting for new things to educate me on our little journey.

When we are little girls, we played house, and dolls. We dress them up, and carry them around, and whisper the same sweet little things our mothers did to us when we were still little. I catch myself sometimes looking at a group of girls, and saying to myself "one in three of you will be infertile". I think if my 5 year old self could see me now.. I'd like to she'd kick my butt for not believing that I will be a mom. But, lets be honest picking up a cabbage patch doll isn't gonna fix things, infact I am sure if I carried around a doll.. people might question my sanity.

I divorced my first husband in 2008. After 2 years of being married, I learned, I had irregular period and a tilted uterus. At this point I felt discouraged about my tilted uterus, especially when I read in books and online that it can cause issues getting pregnant.. I think back now, and laugh-Gee, if that was the ONLY issue I had.

In 2009, I married my best friend, I was thrilled. We already knew that a previous marriage had not given me any children, so we started with the doctors visits early. I was diagnosed with PCOS in October of 2009, and given Metformin. By our 1st anniversary, I still was pregnant. We sought assitance from a fertility specialist, and he referred us to an OBGYN, who could help us, and save cost before we went straight to the top. Between June and September of 2010, I would try 3 rounds of Clomid.. Good news! I ovulate.. bad news. not pregnant. In Late September, I would under go the procedure I like to call the death procedure.. an HSG test- or Hystrosalpingogram.. Yes, I know how to say this, given that I refer to it frequently, I'm a pro. Seriously. WORST. TEST. EVER!!! I am promptly diagnosed with a Unicornuate Uterus.. Ugh. Bad news- affect 1 in 4,000 woman.. Good news. Majority of woman didn't even know they had this issue til they went to have babies, and ended up having c-sections revealing said issue. By the end of October, I am one sad, depressed invidual.. I need to heal..

By the beginning of January 2011, I am starting to come to terms with the potential of being infertile.. I start to embrace my destiny. At this point, I stop taking Metformin, I stop counting days, or peeing on a stick every other day. I just live, and enjoy my life with my husband. Untill.. March 2011.. We get a phone call. My sister called to inform me she had a friend who was interested in placing her baby for adoption, and that wants to know if we would like to meet her... Between March and June, we meet our birth mother, fall in love with her, and on June 12th 2011, I hold my little girl for the first time.

In 2009 when infertility was finally being recognized as a diesease. I was just starting to wade myself into these waters. I felt like that although I had let the water rolls up onto the beach and over my toes.. I backed away, and then ran and leaped into the water, as deep as I could go. I didn't know where to go, or how to start. I felt so over whelmed.

Now in 2012, I am about the celebrate my 3rd wedding anniversary, I will watch my little girl distroy her 1st birthcake. I will kneel across the altar from my sweet husband and we will be sealed to our daughter for eternity. At the end of 2012, I will be grateful. I feel so blessed. I know that my life is still young, and I have so much more that I want to do, and accomplish. I know in my heart that I am a mother, regardless of how my children come to me. My infertility is just a diesease, it is something my body is failing to do. But, my body will never fail me of being able to love, and parent a child. Even if they are not biologically mine.

They are still mine...

Now, once again, I stand on the waters edge.. my toes rubbed down into the sand as the water rolls over my toes.. But this time, I notice something different.. the smell of salt breeze against my face, and the warmth of the sun against my skin. I no longer look at the endless possibilities of my infertility, and I now longer allow it to intimidate me, or make me feel weak. I no longer need a life jacket, because I found the life I was looking for all along.

Infertility is the worst things I have ever had to face. I wouldn't wish this pain upon my worst enemy, no one should ever have to hear those words. Infertile. For many of us, we have been on this journey for years. for others we are just starting out. But regardless, if you need a life jacket, if you feel over whelmed, please ask for assistance, find the support, and don't let your troubles weigh you down..

To the fertiles, infertiles, to everyone who reads my blog. I send you a big hug, and encourage you to hug an infertile this week. They need it. Thank you for the support.

My biggest fear...

Gulp...

Needles..

That's right.. I hate them.. I mean if you have been reading my blog thus far, you should know from the numerous blood draws and what not... I loath it... I swear, my veins roll even just thinking about it. I have a set of the worst veins ever to boot. Due to several poo iv's put in whie I was a baby, that distroyed my arms veins... they are so small. When I went to donate plasma... the guy laughed at me-true story.

I have a point to this I promise.. Today, I faced me fear.. or well, more so called upon my big girls panties once again.

I went and did my first round of acupuncture for my infertility...

I'll me honest, I was so nervous, I am pretty sure my feet were sweating. I know, gross. But, I was super nervous, cut a girl some slack.. Upon arriving the acupuncturist-Will call him Dan, cause that's his name. He had me fill out a form, I had to say if I was experiencing any pain.. Beside my caffine headache, I can't really conci... wait what was I saying..

Oh, and then he took me back into a room, asked me to remove my flip flops, and roll up my pants.. Just FYI, I did warn him, in advance that my legs were pasty, dry, and probably lacking from being shaven in like 3 days.. I laid down, and then he started swabbing my forehead my hands and parts of my legs, and my feet with a cotton ball.. I figured it was part of the ritual of acupuncture, I didn't wanna questions since it was my first time. I shortly realized it had rubbing alcohol on it, and it was for the needles.. I am not firing on all cylinders today folks!

First off, if someone ever tells you it's painless. They are liars! The first needle he stuck in my fore head, that was painful.. The good news is the following needles didn't hurt, and infact I thought he was just poking my legs, and as quickly as he was done, he told me to relax, sleep, whatever I wanted and he would be back shortly. Oh side note- having ADD, and being told to relax/meditate.. not happening. After almost forty mins, he came in checked on me.. this was the cool part-he flicked the needles in my legs. It was the coolest sensation ever!! In fact after he told me a few more minutes and left the room, I sat up and did it a couple of times myself.

All in all it was a good experience. I am anxious to see how the next few weeks pan out, and I would highly recommend acupuncture to anyone!!

Alright, now for the pictures. ignore the white flesh, you may wanna put on sun glasses.. Thank goodness for poor quality photos with cell phones so you can't see the hair on my legs.. :)

I promise there is one on my forehead.. the few people I sent this pic to didn't notice it at first... Ignore the strange look, I was trying not to make a lot of facial movements..

and just for kicks and giggles because this is all I could think about during the whole thing!!

3rd annual Infertility Awareness

I won't lie.. I am super excited about this event.. I have never attended, but I am going this year a long with my good friend M, and hopefully my little sis. It is an amazing event from what I hear, and read. People really find the support, and comfort that only comes from talking to someone who has "been there". Or as one blogger put it-It's fantasitc to be with your species... It's so true. Most fertile people look at me awkardly when they start talking about thier pregnancies, and then I chime in, oh yea.. Well, I used ovulation kits, pillows under my butt, clomid, and painful test... only discover that my body is broke... Wanna talk about my dead dog now?

No?

My bad- any way, back to the event. If you live in Utah, I hope that you take advantage of this opportunity, and really awesome once you find there are others, every one deserves a voice, no one chooses to be infertile..

You can check out more information HERE You can check out the line up for the speakers, and I hope to see you there..

PS. If you happen to go, and you see me... don't be like the creepy stalker lady at the hospital.. you know who you are!! lol. I am a nice person and it won't weird me out that you know my name,  or my whole life story.. promise.

gettin' down with my bad self!

Those are the words I say when I ever I happen to make my white-girl-self, pretend to "back it up".. Or better known as my happy dance.. If you have been fortunate to witness my happy dance... I'm sorry. Wait, what?

No, but really. I have been happy dancing the past couple of days for a few reasons. The following is a list of said reasons...

1. I wanted to make a list today, and this is how I achieved my goal.
2. I can tell my Metformin is working.
3. I took an ovulation test, cause I got it in the mail, and I was anxious to see why my period of was late-which I am aware that you don't take an ov test to check for pregnancy... I was secretly hoping I was ovulating... Ovualtion test came up negative. See test below.

   4. I FINALLY started my period!!

I know which is super strange for me to even consider being excited about starting my period, usually I am curled up in the fetal position, with a box of tissues.. Or attempted not to float away from being so dang bloated.. But, alas. It happened. Lets talk about this for a moment, so I can prove to you that I am not crazy...

If you remember.. my obgyn is trying to get me pregnant.. assist my husband and myself to get knocked up.. Well, the things take time for the infertile people such as myself, and thus the need to my cycle to start, so that we can start keeping track of all the gross things that are needed to be looked after in order to insure ovulation is taking place.. Well a few days ago My husband and I started taking my BBT, ugh... at 5:30 every morning when my husband gets up to go work out... Thank goodness we started when we did or we would have missed day one.

So, now that my cycle has started, the metformin is in my system... Now, lets go back to the ov test. I wanna explain why I am so excited about it being negative... not only was it negative, it was COMPLETELY negative! Before you go saying 'DUH!' let me just tell you how much of a big deal this is for someone with PCOS... I cannot remember. EVER. In all my attempting to conceive years have I had an ov test this negative, usually the test line is still a little faded and that comes from the small levels of  LH-which is what the ov test detect- that are always in my body, thus making it hard for my body to ovulate regularly on it's own.. that means.. my body is being normal.. for once-Knock on wood.

This is great news to me as we start this journey once again. I feel more motivation, and I feel way more in-tune to my body, especially since we started doing the bbt, and I keep track of my cervical postitioning, and cervical mucus.. I told you, gross things that need to take place..

Alright, I am done with my rambling, I am gonna go pop a midol, and curl up with a heating pad! 

Help us make a stand

Alright folks, I am calling on everyone to help with this. They are trying to pass a bill to mandate that states cover for testing and infertility treatments. We are far from reaching our goal of the needed signatures in order for this bill to move forward!! Please follow this link HERE. Tell your friends, your family, everyone who will listen.

You may not need this coverage, but thousands and thousands of individuals are suffering with infertility, and many will never find peace, or joy of being a parent even through adoption. You're helping dreams come true.

Please, blog this, post it on Facebook, email everyone. Help us make a stand, if not for you, for the person in your life who is suffering in silence, help give us a voice!!

Thank you for all of the support and love.

birth control..

If you're wondering why on earth would an infertile talk about birth control on her blog... Well lets face it.. I haven't used birth control since highschool, to regulate my cycles... When I got married I throw out my little pink case, and said good bye to anything that would prevent me from conceiving.. 2 marriages later, and years of research, heart ache, and zero pregnancies... Birth control might be the only answer. Lately with my irregular cycle, I was starting to fear that the only solution would be birth control.. I finally made an appointment last week, and this morning I met with my nurse practictioner-Kelli Parker. Basically the coolest lady ever!

We went over the whole irregular cycle issue, and the fact that I had been into the hospital to get a pregnancy test, and all that good stuff. I then told her the words I had been treading to udder... gulp. Birth control.. Ugh. I almost whispered it. Like I was back in 7th grade and struggling to say the word sex.. without giggling. But, I swallowed the words as quickly as the left my lips.

-Rational moment- the words birth countrol, were quickly followed by the resonable person insdie me.. We have been trying for almost 3 years to get pregnant, what is a few months sacrificed to help my body.. Yeah, think what you will.. It made me feel a lot better.

Thankfully, Kelli listened to my plight, and recommended a course of action over the next 5-6 months to help me get knocked up. Starting with my Metformin, then if that doesn't regulate my cycles, birth control.. But, if my cycle does better with the Metformin, I can go in for a progesterone test, to see if I am ovulating on my own.. If I am not.. Ugh.. then a couple of rounds of clomid... If helps then I get to include a progesterone v.suppository.. You know a whole list of special procedure to help conception  and the possibility of sustaining said pregnancy...

This is the part that terrifies me... We have been here before.. But, this time, it's different. We have a different practitioner, someone who is more than willing to help us, and is sensitive to our situation. Which is reasurring... But, at the same time.. I am so scared.. I am scared of getting my hopes up, I am scared of failure.. and most of all I am scared of falling back into the dark place.. the place where my infertility took me the first time.. The nights I cried and carried on to my best friend B.. or the number of cycles of clomid I did and watched while everyone else got pregnant and I sat on the sidelines.. I would give anything to skip these next coming months. To be somebody else, and to not live that pain.. It likes be willing to jump off a cliff, only to land on the spears that are pointed up toward you... You know you're gonna die, that it will hurt. But for some reason you do it because this time it might work.. So, you don't give up. Because this could be it.

Here is to months of trying, to babydust, and lots of luck.. I only hope this time the Lord hears our prayers and we are blessed with more children.

She poked me!

First of all, I just have to share in the past two days I have had 3 different people compliment me for a few different things, and it has seriously made me feel amazing. Espeically after recent events in my life. Also, sorry this is kind of a long post..

Recently I been experiencing some irregular bleeding, and pain so I decided to give my obgyn, on the urging of my good friend B. Upon calling and bleeding my case to the nurse, and expressing my concern of a potential ectopic pregnancy, especially since I only gots the one tube-wouldn't that just be my luck that I get pregnant and the little champ decides to take a pit stop and start growing in my fallopian tube. Seesh!

Anyway, the nurse requested that I promptly go over to the hospital and have my blood drawn so they could get the results back right away.Ugh... fine...

I run over, spend 25 mins waiting for registration and then waiting to have my blood drawn. The lady of course only take two mins to draw my blood... Have I told you how much I freakin' hate having my blood drawn. I hate needles, and I am not good at it. I revert to a child, and half wanting to throw myself on the ground and have a good tempertantrum! But alas-deep breath- big girl panties...
I forget about it for a few hours, and decide it's time to call the doctors office and get the results... Of course I have to wait for the nurse to call me back.. I have pray inside that she doesn't call... sigh.. five minutes later.

"Hi this is the nurse from *** obgyn, we have your results back" yes... "The results were negative.. if nothing changes with your bleeding please call us back next week" Alright... thank you..

Alright, first of all.. I knew it was gonna be negative.. But, like always I fell back into infertility trap, and believed that for a moment it might be possible... This is like the worst thing ever.. it's like telling a kid you're going to get him a bike, take him to the store, have him pick it out, buy it, take it home, and throw it in the garbage!

Really that's what it's like every time my period is a day late, or the times I decide to take a pregnancy test, and while I am waiting for the time to end so I can stare at my big fat negative... I get lost for just a moment in my own thoughts and start thinking of  the names I will have choosen out, or how holding my baby for the first time will be amazing... and then it's negative, and those thoughts are once again pushed to the back of my mind.

It's hard, I'll be honest, this part sucks. I hate feeling in limbo on whether or not I will ever be a mother, but I will say, that yesterday at wal-mart a woman and her daughter stopped me to make baby faces at Iz. Of course Iz was all smiles, and the lady asked if she was always this happy. I responded and told her yes, and that considering how she started her life withdrawling, and spending a lot of time crying and screaming, her being happy now, is wonderful. This woman looked at me, and told me thank you. She thanked me for being willing to love a child with such hardships, and giving her a better life.. Yes, I got choked up. I had never once thought of it like that, I had only ever thought of it like that. I just knew that I loved Iz the first time I laid eyes on her, and I knew that she was mine regardless of how she got here.

It's that right there that makes this all worth it. I love that little girl, and I know that the other children we will be blessed with, I will love just as much.. I just hate not having any control, or insight to this aspect of my life.

Thank you to those individuals who have sent me messages, and to those who have left comments, I cannot begin to tell you how much they help me. I will keep you posted on the whole doctor follow-up I am calling tomorrow to set up an appointment for Monday.. We will see.

I didn't realize that.

So, today I was talking a good friend of mine, who is going through her own infertility process. She has been blessed with a beautiful little boy. But, like more woman in our situation. When you know the pain of infertility, having a baby in your arms never changes the fact that you know additional children may be a challange.

As I was attempting to comfort her, I started to think about our journey through this whole process. The things that I have learned and experienced, and of course the heart break that followed every time.

But since we started this journey almost 3 years ago, things have changed. I went through somethings that I never have could have imagined. I witnessed things that should never have occuried. This changed how I saw the world, and how I chose to deal with my inferility.. I knew I had felt this way, but it wasn't till today when I typed these words on the screen of my computer, that I finally realized that I am okay with my infertility.


"There is a reason you cannot have children. The Lord has other plans. But if your heart is open, the children that are meant to be in your family will come to you. Everyones journey has a reason, and sometimes the journey your children take to get to you may not always be the one you had planned. But, regardless they are yours and love you just as much. An eternal family is made up of people who love each other, not if they are biologically related"

A huge impact has been made on me. I embrace my infertility, and take pity on it.. I count every blessing that adoption brings into my life, and I know that there are more children who are waiting to come to our family. I know that the power of the priesthood, and through temple sealings, we are an eternal family. I am so very blessed to know this.

Everyone has a different journey, and story that is waiting to be written. Coming to terms with your trials is something that must be done in your own time. Don't force it, and beautiful things will happen when you can be healed.

I don't usually do this, and for those of you who want you're welcome to skip this part-

But, I want to bare my testimony, I believe in the Lords plan, and although sometimes I am weak, and I get frustrated with the things in my life that I feel are unfair.. I have the understanding in my heart that the Lord gave me this trial for a reason. I am capable of loving any child. This I know. I also know that the Lord always keeps his promises, we must be patient enough to receive them. I am so grateful for my family, regardless of how it's made.

We may be imperfect, our family may be patched together, and have different people and faces. But we are beautiful, and we love each other.

I hope the things in your life that you feel are missing, you can find peace for the reason. Or lack of reason.

Infertility Bug..

It showed it's ugly head once again.. For the past few days it has really been snubbing it in my face.. You know that pregnancy cycle.. Where like every few months another group of ladies gets pregnant... Well it's that time again, and it just so happens to be the same time where it's practically every single friend on facebook... :( Don't get me wrong, I am so thrilled for all of my friends... but lets face it..

...it still sucks..

I hate this feeling more than anything, and I know that a lot of my friends went through infertility as well.. The only difference, they have all been able to get pregnant. I hope all my infertile friends reading this don't take this the wrong way, and I hope you don't think I am mad at you. I'm not. I am just having a pity party..:( it just came a little early this year.

We are fast approaching our 3rd year anniversary, and I fear that it may be the 3rd of many many annisersaries that we will once again not bare our own children. I know I am a mom, I know Miss Izz, is my little girl, but even that hangs in the balance.

I guess more than anything it feels like we have been pushed into the corner with few options, and that it doesn't seem to be getting any better...

I know with everything that is going on in my life, school, work, fostercare.. having more children should probably be the last thing on my mind. lol.. But, all I want is to be a mom, and to have more children, and nothing is more frustrating that not knowing if you will ever have your own family.

I've come along way since we started this journey.. I can actually go without having to test if my period is a day late.. in fact, I have a pregnancy test sitting in my bathroom that has been there for like 2 months now! lol. That probably seems like the dumbest thing ever.. but for me, it's a big deal! And if you know another infertile, or are one yourself, you know what kinda deal this is!

Alright, getting up and walking away from Face book, and the preggers..:( unless a pregnant woman wants to come sneeze on me in the hope of concieving.. I am just sayin'!



Hallelujah!!!

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!! you're not gonna believe it!!! I got my precious laptop up and running again.. for the second time.. I know, I know. I had issue with  the whole computer charger cord thingy, and thankfully that has all been resolved thanks to my in-laws. Love them!

On to other things.
*This part may be TMI, just sayin' you may wanna scroll all the way down to the bottom of the post. *

I finally decided to put on my big girl panties, and go in and have an annual done. Oh the joys of having your heels in stirrups, and a light shined at your crotch.. Thankfully this time, my best friend B recommended her nurse practitioner, Kellie, and I have to say. I really like having a female OB. I got a chance to sit down and talk with her before we decided to strip me naked. I got to express my concerns with my irregular cycles, and with my pcos, and potentially my thyroid. I had a whole list of concerns, and althought 8 weeks ago I was greatly considering using birth control to regulate my cycle. As of Monday this week, I had convinced myself to not do the birth control. We also talked about my diet, and losing weight, and managing my health issues to improve my chances of conception.

Then came the part, where she walked me to a room, pointed to the little paper cover, "put that on", and the paper sheet, "put that over your lap". Can I just tell you, I've never had an issue strippin' down to my bare bottom. But, really, being alone, in a new doctors office, stripping butt naked, and wrapping some thin paper around you, and then having to sit for 15 mins waiting for someone to come back in. Not, my idea of a fun morning. I will tell you however, the exam table I was sitting on, heated baby. I didn't notice it till I laid on my back, and thought to myself, wow my butt warmed this puppy up big time. Even though I spoke this thought out aloud, Kellie didn't even bat an eye, and shared that the table was heated for the comfort of the patients. THANK YOU!! Obviously a woman thought of this little feature.

Well, 5 quick mins later, I was told, I had no cyst or polyps in my uterus, and it was once again confirmed I have a tilted uterus. Then I was instructed to start taking prenatal vitamins.(free samples? Well don't mind if I do!) Then it was across the hall, to the lab to draw 5 viles of blood-UGH!- Where it took the sweet little gal about 5 mins to find a good vain, but man she popped those bad boys out fast. The next thing I knew, there was a 5 viles starring up at me from the equipment table. Thankfully I didn't faint, and my arm didn't hurt one bit.. It's moments like this, where I say to myself, why aren't there lollipops in the OBGYN's office?! I'm a big girl *refer to beginning of blog* I wore my big girl panties and everything! I treated myself to some granny smith apples. yum.

Now we wait. It's been over a year since we have actively have done anything about my infertility. I know that chances for me conceiving are still slim. I know that the forces of negative infertility are fighting us every step of the way. But, I am okay with that. I have excepted my infertility, and regardless of the fact that currently I cannot bare any children, or well at least I have yet to do so. It doesn't define me. I will be a mom.

I am excited for this new adventure, to be healthy, to finally get my body balanced, and to lose weight. It's time for a change, and to be happy.

I'd like to thank the acedemy..

First off, I wanna thank my mom, for being so supportive, and my husband for still loving me.. even after he found out I was crazy.. I have been featured on a blog. Yup. ME!! My blog, this thing you're reading right this very minute. It was featured on another blog!! I didn't even have to bribe any body! So, If you would like to go check out my featurette, you can check it out HERE.

Try to contain your excitement. I am pretty stinkin' proud of myself. If you could also take a moment and look to the left of the screen, I got a little decal to display announcing my feature! Also, I was given an award. For talking about myself...lol. Talk about giving me a big head. Alright back to reality!